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Bisexuality in Marriage

"I'm Married to a Man, but I'm Attracted to Women"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been happily married for a year, been with my husband for 3 years total. He's always known that I'm bisexual and it hasn't been an issue for years. I've been able to kind of ignore it so it's been a non-issue with him.

But for the last couple months all I can think about is women, and being with another woman. I'm worried that this is going to cause an issue between my husband and I, and worried about how long I can keep this from him. I feel horribly guilty because I feel like since I honestly love my husband I shouldn't have such strong feelings and urges. I just don't know what to do.

Do I tell him or try to struggle through with a secret that's eating away at me?

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Berlin Berlin 5 years
I think the most important issue here is that you speak openly to your husband. Bisexuality is a complicated and lonely way to live if you keep all of your feelings within (I myself am bisexual so I truly understand!). But just as if you were having an attraction to other men which would cause similar conflicting feelings and it's why so many couples have issues...they feel that just because they are having a struggle that they must keep it to themselves...BE OPEN!! If you can't talk to him without him judging you or getting angry, then that's a separate thing you should also work on. If he will be loving and understanding and talk with you about it, then you have an amazing person that you should share all of you with. We are all human and everyone has their own urges (as far as you know, he could have his own secret urges that he's hiding from you out of shame or embarrassment or just denial to himself. Look at fetishes after all...) Be open with each other and calm and in a 'no-judgement' conversation and you can open up a bond that will be stronger than you ever dreamed. When people think of cheating in the first place (or are just having an attraction to another person) and keep it inside, then it just causes tension and resentment and usually if you are able to speak about it, you will realize it isn't something you may actually want to do other than fantasize about it. But just talk to him about your feelings and let him in...
Jezebell Jezebell 6 years
I am bi in a five-year relationship with a man. I feel the same way. I asked him if I slept with a girl would he consider it cheating? He said no, but I think it would bother him deep inside. He just wouldn't admit it, since it's hot to him. But I do think a 3-way is a good idea as long as you make clear boundaries on all fronts. Is it just sex? No strings attached? That kind of thing. Good luck. ;)
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
Some couples can come to arrangement whereby having a girlfriend in this situation is not seen as a threat to the relationship as the needs are very different. This may not work for everyone though. If this happens it is important that your primary relationship remains just that and can be tough on emotions if not handled correctly but it is possible. As for comment 8 above, I suspect this is meant to be flippant but I would suggest you avoided this becoming entertainment for him. You are not alone with your feelings; good luck! x
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
What Vanonymous, tls, and spacekatgal said is exactly what I was going to say (although I couldn't have written it as wonderfully as they did). :)
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
I know the feeling because I am bi and I sometimes want to be with woman although I love my bf there are times when I fantasize. Maybe you should do a 3 way. lol. jk. No but on the serious side, do you want to be with a woman or man for the rest of your life? If you chose a man then maybe you're just having urges. And that is ok. But if you chose a woman, then you really need to let your husband know what you are feeling. Hopefully you guys can work it out.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
And what Vanonymous said too :)
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
It sounds a bit more like there are issues in your marriage that are leaving you unfulfilled, period, rather than it being an issue with your bisexuality. I'd look at your relationship and see if there's anything missing - are you satisfied with your sex life? Are you missing companionship? Do you feel like you didn't take enough time to be single prior to settling down? If there's something that you can work out with the relationship you have now maybe you won't fantasize as much about something else.
Vanonymous Vanonymous 6 years
I'm no expert, but I think you should treat your urges to be with a woman the same as an urge to be with a man. You are married. You are committed to one person. Everyone has urges to be with other people, but you should not act on them... because it's unfaithful. Maybe you can go to couple's counseling? Maybe your husband would be into a three way (however that might open a whole new can of worms as far as problems go). Either way, I think you should look at this the same way as if you're husband told you he wanted to hook up with other women. You're in a committed relationship now.
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