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Boundaries With a Guy Friend

"Did I Overreact to My Ex's Comments?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Admittedly, I don't have a lot of guy friends. I'm not really sure of normal guy behavior unless they are trying to date me. I've been talking to an ex for a few months now and I don't think either of us are really sure what's going on between us, but we are both going with it. We've never had a talk about what's happening, but I'm a big fan of labels and boundaries and until we have that talk, we are strictly friends. We generally have really fun, flirty conversations that last for hours, and we hang out every once in a while. We are both pretty open people sexually and have a similarly dirty sense of humor, so sometimes we'll touch on our sex lives, but we don't mention anything too deep or intimate.

Last night he was very drunk and started texting me. We were having a normal, banter-filled conversation about politics that suddenly turned into a conversation about a girl he had sex with one time 10 years ago. He started going into vivid detail. It was not a general thing. He was giving me the total play by play. I interjected and asked him to slow down on the details and made a joke that we aren't that close of friends to be sharing all that. That just egged him on and he kept going further and further, so I got a little more straight up about it and told him he was making me uncomfortable. He acted like I was crazy. I told him there are three types of people I'm comfortable hearing that much detail from: a guy I'm sleeping with, a guy I want to sleep with, or my best girl friends.

Turns out, he may have been a bit upset about a story I told him last week about a crazy guy I was kind of seeing. Sex was mentioned during my story, but it was just a small part of a bigger story — definitely not the focus and there were no details mentioned. But his text read "You can talk about a guy you slept with LAST WEEK but I can't talk about 10 years ago?!?!?"

The conversation ended on an okay note and we both said good night to each other, so I don't think either of us are really angry about it. Still, I'm wondering if I overreacted? Is this normal guy behavior towards a female friend, or am I right in thinking it's a little inappropriate? I feel a little disrespected that he thinks I'm a girl that he can talk to like that just because we've been chatting for a few months. That level of intimate conversation actually requires some intimacy in my opinion. Am I being a diva here?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
You are being such a tool. Why are you doing this to him? You know you two are crossing lines. Re-read your 3 types of people rule and stick to it. Stop the sex talk. And that line about him not fitting in any of them? Low. If you're so done with him, don't encourage him. He fits no where in it, so why are you talking about sex? Wild guess -- you like the sexual attention. That's as common as the cold. But it has consequences. A frustrated person held on the line and being sexually humiliated with this game is going to get aggressive, no way around it. If you're lucky that's as far as his aggression goes. Playing with fire...
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Yes and no. The thing is I kind of can understand your ex's pov. You guys are that kind of 'cool about sex' buddies and joked about sex often, then you've mentioned that you've had sex with a guy you're dating. So of course, he'd think talking about his sexual past will not be a big deal with you. Sometimes, it doesn't matter about how much details you decide to share, you were talking about a personal sexual experience of yours so he thought it was a green light for him to share his (and he happens to favor more details). He didn't get why you would find his discussion to be offensive to your sensibility, the gal who's joked about penises and vaginas and sex, talked about sex with her current partner(s). The boundaries have been blurred for awhile now. But I think that he should've backed off quicker once you told him you're seriously not interested in listening to more information/details about sex that happened 10 years ago--which I totally believe that his story must've been totally embellished--then again, if he's drunk and was having way too much talking his head off; he'd probably not very good at listening to you, he was expecting you to be the listener. And it seems you guys already made up after that incident. If you want to keep on talking to him, you probably should tell him you'd rather not have details in sexual encounters, as in green light in mention of sex, but red light in talking about details. Or don't talk about sex anymore with him. Then see if he's go for that type of limitation in your friendship with him. Good luck.
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