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Boyfriend Acting Distant After Having Baby

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend's Grown Distant Since Baby Came

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Well me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years and we have a two-month-old baby together. Ever since I had my baby, my boyfriend seems to be spaced out. He doesn't seem to want to spend alone time with me or talk to me like he used to.

We were each other's best friends before our baby came along. It feels like he would rather be with his friends all the time. I also keep on finding out new things he has done behind my back. He hides stuff and it makes me even more curious about just how serious he thinks our relationship is.

It means a lot to me, it feels like I'm losing my best friend. I text him a lot and he texts back but when I want to talk on the phone he will make an excuse why he can't. Or when we are on the phone he will say "I got to go" or take a shower or something like that.  Please someone tell me what to do! Should I give him some space for a while or what?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Any woman who expects a fair 50/50 partnership with a two month old is going to get an eye opener. I don't mean to sound sexist but its an unfortunately fact. To me, men are able to play a more significant and positive role as the baby gets older around one and two. I would relax and take care of the baby and give him just a little breathing room becuase he's the typical male. Its not fair, its not right, but that's how it plays out sometimes. I would relax, focus on the happy healthy baby you have, count your blessing and hope he straightens out his act. But soon, and use your best judgment. Also give him some things to do, like get diapers, or help with cleaning, or whatever you can think of to keep him on track.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 5 years
i like what comment 3 said. also like others, i can't tell from what you wrote if you two live together? if you had a baby and dont live togehter isnt that like a red flag?hope everything is ok. agree with #3, you have a lot (or work and TRYING and probably arguments and patience) in front of you to make this a happily ever after.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 5 years
i like what comment 3 said. also like others, i can't tell from what you wrote if you two live together? if you had a baby and dont live togehter isnt that like a red flag? hope everything is ok. agree with #3, you have a lot (or work and TRYING and probably arguments and patience) in front of you to make this a happily ever after.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I was not blasting marriage! Just what typically happens IN marriage, lol. I agree with traditionalist ^^ sad to say, but looks like interest of your baby daddy is low. And as
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I was not blasting marriage! Just what typically happens IN marriage, lol.I agree with traditionalist ^^sad to say, but looks like interest of your baby daddy is low.And as
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Fallen/SBT, you're awesome. Love your advice :D (Btw, I was nevaeh, changed my name here).I gotta say that I'm a little curious too, how old are you guys and do you guys live together--it's implied that's not the case.I can see the stress of being a father can play into this (again, as a mother, I'm not discounting YOUR stress too because for first time mother it can be very overwhelming THEN you have to deal with a distant partner=not good combination), esp. if the guy isn't ready to be one, so he uses his friends and going out to escape the 'stress'. I'm wondering too what kind of things he's hiding from you, OP. Unless we know more details, more likely, I can't really be sure if he's going to leave or not. Anyway, if I were you, I would also take some of Helen's suggestion that you need to be specific in your requests and requests him nicely. If you want him to stay home and have take-outs, etc, go ask him that. Give him a little chance to prove himself too, while venting at him is probably good (for you), but yelling at him at a stressful time may not get him to do what you need from him = togetherness.When things calmed down some, you do need to discuss more relationship issue, but yah, take care of your little one, focus on being a parent...it's not just the two of you now.P.S. If you guys aren't living together, I'm more inclined to urge you to go and file for Child support. Good luck!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Fallen/SBT, you're awesome. Love your advice :D (Btw, I was nevaeh, changed my name here). I gotta say that I'm a little curious too, how old are you guys and do you guys live together--it's implied that's not the case. I can see the stress of being a father can play into this (again, as a mother, I'm not discounting YOUR stress too because for first time mother it can be very overwhelming THEN you have to deal with a distant partner=not good combination), esp. if the guy isn't ready to be one, so he uses his friends and going out to escape the 'stress'. I'm wondering too what kind of things he's hiding from you, OP. Unless we know more details, more likely, I can't really be sure if he's going to leave or not. Anyway, if I were you, I would also take some of Helen's suggestion that you need to be specific in your requests and requests him nicely. If you want him to stay home and have take-outs, etc, go ask him that. Give him a little chance to prove himself too, while venting at him is probably good (for you), but yelling at him at a stressful time may not get him to do what you need from him = togetherness. When things calmed down some, you do need to discuss more relationship issue, but yah, take care of your little one, focus on being a parent...it's not just the two of you now. P.S. If you guys aren't living together, I'm more inclined to urge you to go and file for Child support. Good luck!
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
If he wanted to be with you forever at this point he would ask you to marry him. You already have a baby. The hold up is he's not in love anymore and now he wants out because of the baby and responsibility. It's a cowardly thing to do but that's what men do - they stay with women they're comfortable with and when the going gets tough they get going! Anyways, I'm sorry that you're in this situation. This relationship is probably over - the most you can do is maintain your pride and everything - don't beg, don't whine to hang out with him, don't constantly text him. Just let him know you'd like to spend more time together but after that let him come to you and start looking for a place for you and your baby to move in to.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
First, how old are you? I'm assuming you don't live together and the baby wasn't plan. So taking these factors into account, a baby can bring a lot of stress into a relationship. Men can feel neglected and even jealous of the new baby. I will recommend you to talk to him and ask him what's wrong and to try to spend some time with him. I know that your baby is your priority, but don't let him feel as if he is at the bottom of your list. Communicate, tell him how you feel.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
You just had a baby. So your hormones are all over the place. Don't make any drastic decisions or announcements for a little while. Just relax and be with your baby.It sounds to me like you need more face time with your boyfriend. There's no text replacement for his arms around you. Don't waste your breath complaining about his absence, though. None of it will get through to him if you present it that way. It might feel good to vent, but it will never get you what you want. Instead, tell him what would feel good for you, what he can do that will make you see him as amazing.So ask for specific actions from him. For example, tell him you'd love to have takeout with him and watch a DVD the two of you like. Ask for simple things that require his presence. And make sure he feels welcomed into you and your baby's little world. Sometimes guys can feel shut out because the bond between mom and babe is so strong. You'll be okay. Things are changing, like they always do when a family grows, but you'll be fine.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
You just had a baby. So your hormones are all over the place. Don't make any drastic decisions or announcements for a little while. Just relax and be with your baby. It sounds to me like you need more face time with your boyfriend. There's no text replacement for his arms around you. Don't waste your breath complaining about his absence, though. None of it will get through to him if you present it that way. It might feel good to vent, but it will never get you what you want. Instead, tell him what would feel good for you, what he can do that will make you see him as amazing. So ask for specific actions from him. For example, tell him you'd love to have takeout with him and watch a DVD the two of you like. Ask for simple things that require his presence. And make sure he feels welcomed into you and your baby's little world. Sometimes guys can feel shut out because the bond between mom and babe is so strong. You'll be okay. Things are changing, like they always do when a family grows, but you'll be fine.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
OP I was wondering how old you two are and if you two live together?
Silly-Btch-Therapy Silly-Btch-Therapy 5 years
You guys were barely together a year before you got knocked up. Relationships are hard ass work. There are many different stages you must go through before your relationship would be considered long term and stable. As the kids say" A + B sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G. First comes love, then comes marriage, THEN comes the baby in the baby carriage!"Unfortunately, you two skipped past a whole bunch of steps and went straight from kissing in a tree to the baby carriage. While this is definitely not a death sentence for your relationship, it IS a major road block to perfect happiness. You need to build your relationship strong before it can support someone else. It's very difficult to built a table when there is already a full dining set on top of it. But, with both of you working very hard, it can be done.It sounds to me like your man is overwhelmed. It's hard enough having a new baby, nevermind when you're not 100% ready for it. He is trying to escape the stresses of home by hanging out with his friends but unfortunately for him, that's not an option anymore. If he wanted to be single and f*ck around for a while then he shouldn't have taken the wrapping off of his present.Sit him down, talk to him and make it clear that you can not do this alone. You need his help, you need him answering your calls and you need him to spend more time at home. You love him, you appreciate him but you do not like who he is slowly turning in to. If that doesn't work, consider counseling. You need an outside source looking in and telling him what he is doing.Either way, there is no easy fix here. So get ready for some hard work and make sure he's on board.Good luck!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Check out my blog at www.sillybitchtherapy.com for more advice and information.
Silly-Btch-Therapy Silly-Btch-Therapy 5 years
You guys were barely together a year before you got knocked up. Relationships are hard ass work. There are many different stages you must go through before your relationship would be considered long term and stable. As the kids say" A + B sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G. First comes love, then comes marriage, THEN comes the baby in the baby carriage!" Unfortunately, you two skipped past a whole bunch of steps and went straight from kissing in a tree to the baby carriage. While this is definitely not a death sentence for your relationship, it IS a major road block to perfect happiness. You need to build your relationship strong before it can support someone else. It's very difficult to built a table when there is already a full dining set on top of it. But, with both of you working very hard, it can be done. It sounds to me like your man is overwhelmed. It's hard enough having a new baby, nevermind when you're not 100% ready for it. He is trying to escape the stresses of home by hanging out with his friends but unfortunately for him, that's not an option anymore. If he wanted to be single and f*ck around for a while then he shouldn't have taken the wrapping off of his present. Sit him down, talk to him and make it clear that you can not do this alone. You need his help, you need him answering your calls and you need him to spend more time at home. You love him, you appreciate him but you do not like who he is slowly turning in to. If that doesn't work, consider counseling. You need an outside source looking in and telling him what he is doing. Either way, there is no easy fix here. So get ready for some hard work and make sure he's on board. Good luck! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Check out my blog at www.sillybitchtherapy.com for more advice and information.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
What kind of things is he hiding from you? Drinking, gambling, drugs, cheating? Assuming it's just having drinks after work or otherwise escaping the house to be with friends and party, then it sounds like classic new dad syndrome. He may not have adequately prepared himself for the baby and is now panicking about the responsibility. You definitely need to talk, new babies can really mess with people (men and women) and the two of you need to be on the same page if you're going to be raising your child together.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
Talk to him! Tell him how you have noticed a change in the way he has been behaving and tell him how it makes you feel.
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