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Boyfriend Always Wants to Hang Out

Group Therapy: Boyfriend Wants to Spend Too Much Time Together

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and have been living together for 1 1/2 years. Our relationship is going well, and recently we have begun talking about marriage and children more seriously.

But I have a bit of a concern. We both work long hours, but when we're not working, we spend almost all of our time together. I have more of an active social life than he does, as most of his friends before we met were single party guys — obviously they have little in common these days so many of them have fallen by the wayside. He hasn't made many new friends since we got together, so most of his social life revolves around me and my friends now. I've tried encouraging him to do more hobbies and to build friendships with his colleagues, but he always says he hasn't met anyone that he really clicks with and that he's too tired from work to have more hobbies.

I like to be alone every now and then, but he seems to always want to be with me. Even when he has a random errand to run that has nothing to do with me, he gets upset if I don't want to come along (not angry, just kind of sad). I don't think I need to go with him to pick up his contact lenses or buy a new cell phone — it's not like we share a car (we live in a city so use public transportation) so it's just a waste of time and money for me to go, too. I feel like we don't need to spend every single second that we're not at work together, but if I say so, he takes it the wrong way.

I'm afraid we are going to get sick of each other if we don't spend more time apart, but I don't know how to say this without him getting upset, as he is very sensitive. I think he'd also be happier in general if he didn't rely on me so much as his only buddy/social outlet. Any advice?

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bumrushme bumrushme 4 years
Oh, and also - is your boyfriend into running or any sort of sport? One thing that helped my boyfriend and i was his training for a marathon. It was something he trained for, and he was doing it with a group so he was spending time on something he felt good about and was an accomplishment for him. I was able to be supportive while he met new people and we could spend time apart in a healthy way.
bumrushme bumrushme 4 years
I can totally relate! We seem to have the opposite problem that a girls have with their significant others. Like you, my bf doesn't have many friends and loves being around me and doings things with me almost at all times. I also have an active social life and a lot of friends - and on top of that, i really enjoy spending time alone. It can be tough to juggle all of it. It was a source of a lot of arguments and hurt feelings for a bit in the beginning of our relationship (we have been together for about 2 years), so I know exactly what you're feeling - guilty, annoyed and sometimes angry. You really just need to sit him down and explain that you are the type of person that NEEDS time alone to reset and function for your mental heatlh. I'm sure you also have other obligations going on in your life other than your relationship (school, family, work, other friends, etc) that make you feel tired or wanting some time to relax by yourself. Let him know that you need a break from time to time and that it has NOTHING to do with him - this is just how you are as a person. His feelings may still be hurt, and he still might pout or whatever he does to show you he's unhappy, but you MUST stick to your guns - eventually he'll get used to it when you tell him you want some alone time. He may still pout, but he will get over it quicker. He will start to see that your time alone or away from him isn't negatively affecting your relationship or making you love him any less - it may actually have more of a positive effect on your relationship, and hopefully he will sense that. Just make sure when you see him after spending time away from him to be enthusiastic about seeing him and doing things with him. Eventually, he may even ask YOU: "babe, do you need some alone time?" You guys have been together for 3 years - if he can't accept that everyone needs some time to themselves, then it's going to be a problem. I considered breaking up with my boyfriend several times in the beginning of our relationship. I just started putting my foot down and not giving in to his guilt trips and pouty ways. He still does it from time to time but I just ignore it and he gets over it. It sounds like you're doing all the right things in encouraging him to meet other friends and find hobbies, etc. Just keep doing that, and as you continue stressing your need for free time, he will see that he wants to develop other interests and make new friends. He may even realize he likes his alone time too. It may take time, but be strong and don't give in! You can get past this. Good luck!
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Like you, I like to have some alone time. I can see why you're frustrated. And yet he can't help wanting to be with you either. You need to talk with him and express that while you love him, love hanging out with him, that sometimes you just need a little breather and it has everything to do with you and nothing to do with him. Good luck.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
www.5lovelanguages.com His love language is clearly 'Quality Time'. The way he expresses love is through the time spend with someone, and I believe that you turning him down sometimes makes him feel less loved. If you guys can't get your hands on this book, I say have a chat with him, and try to figure out what your love language is. Once the two of you get a better understanding of what each others' love language is, and the more fluently you can speak it, the better for your relationship.
Sherrilee Sherrilee 4 years
You've suggested everything to your boyfriend that I can think of. Maybe in time he'll find his way back to his friends or new friends.Most women complain that their boyfriends or husbands like to go out and be with the guys too much and don't spend time with them. I'd just be patient and you may have a good man here.
Sherrilee Sherrilee 4 years
You've suggested everything to your boyfriend that I can think of. Maybe in time he'll find his way back to his friends or new friends. Most women complain that their boyfriends or husbands like to go out and be with the guys too much and don't spend time with them. I'd just be patient and you may have a good man here.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
It sounds like you are already sick of him. He is really dependent, and a bit controlling. His pouting about you not wanting to run random errands with him is concerning, and it tells me that he will continue to have these kinds of expectations after you are married, probably worse. He sounds exhausting.Everyone needs alone time and things in her life that are just for her. You already resent him acting like a baby. I think you just need to have a frank talk to him about it, and if he has a fit, I think you really need to consider how far you want to go in this relationship. Some couples love to spend all of their time together, others don't. You guys just might not be compatible for the long haul.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
It sounds like you are already sick of him. He is really dependent, and a bit controlling. His pouting about you not wanting to run random errands with him is concerning, and it tells me that he will continue to have these kinds of expectations after you are married, probably worse. He sounds exhausting. Everyone needs alone time and things in her life that are just for her. You already resent him acting like a baby. I think you just need to have a frank talk to him about it, and if he has a fit, I think you really need to consider how far you want to go in this relationship. Some couples love to spend all of their time together, others don't. You guys just might not be compatible for the long haul.
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