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Boyfriend Changed His Mind About Wanting a Baby

Group Therapy: After Convincing Me to Want a Baby He Changed His Mind

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple years and at one point in our relationship he brought up the idea of children. He said he "wants life with me and to just let whatever happens happen." After looong nights of talking and discussing the changes it would make in our lives, I agreed we are where we should be in to just let it happen if it happens.

Well after 4 months I got pregnant. I was elated! I didn't know how much I DID want this and was so thankful he made me realize how badly I want to be a mother. Then disaster struck and I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and lost the baby at 10 weeks. This has broken my heart in a way I never thought it could. So I was getting a form of chemotherapy treatment to rid my body of the pregnancy which made me extremely ill and an emotional wreck. But he was there reassuring that as soon as we get the go ahead we can try again, that we'll have a family and we can do this together.

Those were the thoughts and words that I hung onto to get me through the grueling process. And now FINALLY after being pricked and poked and doctor appointments, we get the "go ahead!" I was ecstatic and talked with him how excited I was to start trying again and how happy I was and how much I really want this. Then all of a sudden he tells me "I don't want it". . . "I don't want a baby."

I don't know what to do! I want this so bad and he's the one who made me realize this and now after all I went through, I feel he wants to take it away from me. I've always wanted to have children and be a mother but I never knew how bad I truly wanted it until I had it. Why would he say he wanted something and tell me we would try again and have me go through that if he "doesn't want it?" I understand people change their minds and have a change of heart sometimes, but why fill my head and put hope in my heart when you had no intention? I don't know what to do.

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henna-red henna-red 4 years
Lots of good observation here. I'm so sorry that you've had to go thru so much awful stuff. That's a horrible loss, and a really difficult way to lose. I have to agree with the so many others, that there are red flags here. A lot of people don't want therapy, because they don't want to face their feelings, or face the difficulties of saying ok, something isn't right or even something could be better. That doesn't mean, tho', that you can't get some counseling. I absolutely believe, with others, that you should not consider marriage with the "maybe if you marry me" line. That is absolutely no way to look at the beginning of a relationship, no way to continue one, no basis for a marriage. Good luck to you, and I hope you find a good professional to talk to about your feelings and your situation.
danakscully64 danakscully64 4 years
No opinion here, just wanted to give you a virtual hug *hug*
mnp mnp 4 years
@onlysourcherry. I second your opinion. Very few men would "plan" to have a child and when he does, he is usually aware with all the possibilities of what is to happen if it can't happen.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
In general, i think that the type of man who decides to *try* to have a baby without being married is not thinking about what it means, realistically, to raise a child. I would guess that he had a rosy picture of what it would be like to have a little baby that looked like him to pass his family's name on to, and didn't think about things like ectopic pregnancy, the massive financial obligations, the possibilities of having a disabled child, or the many, many, many other possible complications. Now that he faced this reality, he is probably reacting to how scary and not fun the prospect of child rearing is. I don't know if i would say that he has a lack of empathy necessarily, he just may be more impulsive of a person and less of a long-term thinker. I'm sorry that this happened to you. However I think your boyfriend's hesitation is something of a blessing as this doesn't sound like this is the ideal time to have a child.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
In general, i think that the type of man who decides to *try* to have a baby without being married is not thinking about what it means, realistically, to raise a child. I would guess that he had a rosy picture of what it would be like to have a little baby that looked like him to pass his family's name on to, and didn't think about things like ectopic pregnancy, the massive financial obligations, the possibilities of having a disabled child, or the many, many, many other possible complications. Now that he faced this reality, he is probably reacting to how scary and not fun the prospect of child rearing is. I don't know if i would say that he has a lack of empathy necessarily, he just may be more impulsive of a person and less of a long-term thinker. I'm sorry that this happened to you. However I think your boyfriend's hesitation is something of a blessing as this doesn't sound like this is the ideal time to have a child.
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
I'm sorry you have been through such a hellish experience. Reading your post there are so many red flags. I hope you look on the bright side that you have not had a child with this guy because I don't think it would help matters. What if you did pre-marital counseling? If you even consider getting married to this guy you need to be on the same page. But honestly if this were Vegas I would not be putting any $ on this relationship working out.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Don't get married until you guys are in the same page about what your future life is all about. Sure, things can change in the future; but it's better to not jump in when you guys don't share the same goal. I think he's saying all those because he's being stubborn, most guys think going counseling (FOR THEMSELVES, not for other people) are no good. i.e. my husband, who has positive view about counseling unless it's about him attending it (he didn't need it, he's just fine, etc). It's not your job to convince him anyway, it has to be his decision. I think he's downplaying the whole distress that you suffered through. Or he just thought your body couldn't handle it although your mind was determined. Yah, good luck though. Try again to talk it through, hopefully he'll be honest about why he's changing his mind like that in your next talk.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Don't get married until you guys are in the same page about what your future life is all about. Sure, things can change in the future; but it's better to not jump in when you guys don't share the same goal.I think he's saying all those because he's being stubborn, most guys think going counseling (FOR THEMSELVES, not for other people) are no good. i.e. my husband, who has positive view about counseling unless it's about him attending it (he didn't need it, he's just fine, etc).It's not your job to convince him anyway, it has to be his decision. I think he's downplaying the whole distress that you suffered through. Or he just thought your body couldn't handle it although your mind was determined. Yah, good luck though. Try again to talk it through, hopefully he'll be honest about why he's changing his mind like that in your next talk.
snh24 snh24 4 years
Thank you for the comments! I asked him if it was because of what happened and he says it's just that he "doesn't want it". And I love him so much and couldn't picture my life or any thing without him. I just don't understand why he would say he wanted to try again or even try in the first place if he didn't want it. He says he just cant. I have talked to him about counseling and says there's nothing wrong with him so he doesn't need it. He says the loss doesn't "effect" him like it does me. I ask what that means and all he does is say he doesnt know and changes the subject. Im afraid he was just telling me he wanted all these things to keep me around. Because it was during a rough patch in our relationship. I just can't help but think "what if the baby would have been fine? would I be with someone who really didn't want it?" He talks about marriage and getting married, but I'm unsure I can be with someone who doesn't want children. He says "Maybe if you marry me, I'll think about it." I don't want it to be another trap.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
I'm sorry for your loss and what you've been through with the chemo. Honey, I think your bf is being this way because the bad experience you went through, losing the baby and your sickness. I know you suffered it more (it's your body), and as a bystander who got to see you in that situation, it's probably traumatize him as well. You barely mentioned him in your post beside your heartbreak, I'm pretty sure that he's as heartbroken as you were and he probably felt as if he couldn't risk the chance to lose you (what if you get sick when you get pregnant, what if you..god forbids..pass away b/c of the pregnancy, etc), I think it's more because he's scared of losing you and the upcoming baby. But Idk for sure, so can you guys go to counseling and such? It's good that you guys get some grief counseling and perhaps he can get over his fear of losing you and possible future baby too. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
I'm sorry for your loss and what you've been through with the chemo.Honey, I think your bf is being this way because the bad experience you went through, losing the baby and your sickness.I know you suffered it more (it's your body), and as a bystander who got to see you in that situation, it's probably traumatize him as well. You barely mentioned him in your post beside your heartbreak, I'm pretty sure that he's as heartbroken as you were and he probably felt as if he couldn't risk the chance to lose you (what if you get sick when you get pregnant, what if you..god forbids..pass away b/c of the pregnancy, etc), I think it's more because he's scared of losing you and the upcoming baby.But Idk for sure, so can you guys go to counseling and such? It's good that you guys get some grief counseling and perhaps he can get over his fear of losing you and possible future baby too.Good luck.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
It's very possible that the last pregnancy and it's problems scared him, and he is too afraid of losing you and another baby to go through another pregnancy.
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