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Boyfriend Chooses Friends Over Me

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Chooses His Friends Over Me

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'd like people's opinion on this matter — I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months, and our relationship is great. We get on really well, can talk for hours on end, and he treats me with respect and is very caring. We've even discussed about spending the rest of our lives together.

However, on a couple of occasions, when I have suggested that we meet up, he has said that he doesn't feel too well/is tired from a busy working week, and asks if we can reschedule. But on that same day that I suggest we meet up, he ends up going out with his colleagues. The first time he did this, I wasn't really bothered and we ended up meeting the following day. But the second time, I got really pissed. I don't know what to make of the situation — do I have a right to be pissed or am I over reacting?

My biggest worry is that is this something that is likely to cause a problem in a long-term r'ship/marriage? Is he putting his friends before me and will he always do this?

Any useful advice would be appreciated (no haters please).

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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blitzmr blitzmr 5 years
I came across this searching for something else. But, in your situation are you happy just being alone? Do you have your own circle of friends? Your a woman asking advice and getting it from other woman. (Men don't understand woman and vice versa.) Seriously, he's doing it because he wants his own time with his pals. He says he tired w/e because if he tells you and you ask if you can come along he doesn't want to say no. (Which would make you more upset, and it would.) He wants his friends as HIS friends, he's not blowing you off. It is healthy to keep a part of your life for yourself and using this "lie" (even though wrong.) to not hurt your feelings which means he does care. As more time passes maybe he'll include you as you become more and more important. Also do yourself a favour and stop talking about marriage and the future for now, especially if things don't work out it'll make things harder. I wonder what the outcome was, i hope you didn't overreact! Invest some of your own time with your friends.
blitzmr blitzmr 5 years
I came across this searching for something else. But, in your situation are you happy just being alone? Do you have your own circle of friends? Your a woman asking advice and getting it from other woman. (Men don't understand woman and vice versa.) Seriously, he's doing it because he wants his own time with his pals. He says he tired w/e because if he tells you and you ask if you can come along he doesn't want to say no. (Which would make you more upset, and it would.) He wants his friends as HIS friends, he's not blowing you off. It is healthy to keep a part of your life for yourself and using this "lie" (even though wrong.) to not hurt your feelings which means he does care. As more time passes maybe he'll include you as you become more and more important. Also do yourself a favour and stop talking about marriage and the future for now, especially if things don't work out it'll make things harder. I wonder what the outcome was, i hope you didn't overreact! Invest some of your own time with your friends.
proveit proveit 5 years
I like Helen Dangers answer re; 'the lie'. 'Weasley' behavior is no bueno. The other ladies have a valid point about the 'clingy' thing. You don't want to be viewed as THAT ! Plus, it's just not healthy for the person BEING smothered,nor is it healthy for the person DOING the smothering.You definately need to have a heart to heart with him.Honesty & trust are HUGE in the success of a relationship.Just remember to remain even tempered.....EVEN if it turns out that he's a sphincter-boy ! Going'balistic' is NEVER constructive.......it only pushes people further away.Also, try not to break down in tears about it(in front of him, anyway).Guy's tend to cringe when we do that.Ya gotta BE STRONG, GIRL !
proveit proveit 5 years
I like Helen Dangers answer re; 'the lie'.'Weasley' behavior is no bueno.The other ladies have a valid point about the 'clingy' thing.You don't want to be viewed as THAT !Plus, it's just not healthy for the person BEING smothered,nor is it healthy for the person DOING the smothering.You definately need to have a heart to heart with him.Honesty & trust are HUGE in the success of a relationship.Just remember to remain even tempered.....EVEN if it turns out that he's a sphincter-boy ! Going'balistic' is NEVER constructive.......it only pushes people further away.Also, try not to break down in tears about it(in front of him, anyway).Guy's tend to cringe when we do that.Ya gotta BE STRONG, GIRL !
Girly-in-pink Girly-in-pink 5 years
Yes you do have a right to be pissed because he is pretty much blowing you off and hanging out with friends. If i was you the next time does that just find something else to do, or even better cancel plans at the last minute on him.
karlotta karlotta 5 years
I don't understand what the problem is. Why can't he go out with his friends and coworkers? Maybe you're a bit smothering and clingy and he didn't know how to tell you he felt like hanging out with them those couple of times instead of hanging out with you. Which is 100% normal. He certainly shouldn't have made up an excuse, but if you've been nagging, I understand the impetus to protect himself. In my experience, the more freedom you give a guy to hang out with his friends, the more awesome he'll think you are. Stop tightening that leash.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I'm not cool with the fact that he lied. He could have said he didn't want to go out with you, but instead he said he was tired. That's weasily. Weasily gets real old real fast. He'll use it on other things too. Have a discussion with him about honesty and ask whether he finds you too intimidating to talk to. If it's ever going to work between you two, he has to feel he can tell you what he really thinks.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I'm not cool with the fact that he lied. He could have said he didn't want to go out with you, but instead he said he was tired. That's weasily. Weasily gets real old real fast. He'll use it on other things too. Have a discussion with him about honesty and ask whether he finds you too intimidating to talk to. If it's ever going to work between you two, he has to feel he can tell you what he really thinks.
l-dot l-dot 5 years
I had this same issue with my ex, and basically, you just have to decide if you are okay with this. In my experience, I kept hoping it would change, and that the longer we were together, he would "grow up" and start putting our relationship first as his friends all grew up also and got into serious relationships. Four years later, we were still arguing about it. He made it a priority to always go out with work friends or with his friends whenever they wanted, but never made the effort with me. Your experience may be different, and hopefully it is, but I think it's something you have to decide if you can deal with, because in my experience, guys that are like this do not change.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Well of course it's different if the OP and the bf hangs out on daily basis. I thought you guys have just been dating casually (meeting around 1-2 times a week) for the past few months. If you guys been acting like siamese twin, then I totally understand why he wants to hang out with his boys from time to time. As for his excuse, he may not too bright to not realize that his excuse will be found out by you or he thinks it's better to give fake excuse than telling you that he wants a little bit of space. If this is the case, just let him know that you won't be too pissed off if he just told you the truth (and don't get pissed off or sulk when he does tell you the truth in the future).
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Well of course it's different if the OP and the bf hangs out on daily basis. I thought you guys have just been dating casually (meeting around 1-2 times a week) for the past few months. If you guys been acting like siamese twin, then I totally understand why he wants to hang out with his boys from time to time. As for his excuse, he may not too bright to not realize that his excuse will be found out by you or he thinks it's better to give fake excuse than telling you that he wants a little bit of space.If this is the case, just let him know that you won't be too pissed off if he just told you the truth (and don't get pissed off or sulk when he does tell you the truth in the future).
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
The best way to handle it is just ask him about it. Everyone here has made very good points and there is no way to know which one needs to be applied to your situation. He may need some guy time- we all need to hang with our buds. HOWEVER, it's not cool he is saying he is too tired to hang with you THEN goes and hangs with his friends. I would talk to him and tell him that while having his friend time isn't a problem, putting you last IS. If he doesn't take what your saying well, you need to ditch him. BUT if he responds well to what you are saying, or at least expresses that he understands where you are coming from, then you should give him a second chance. Just know this- the stuff that you ignore in the beginning will come back to haunt your butt in the end, so be upfront now about your needs.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
You need to talk to him and ask him why he goes out with his colleagues after work but doesn't have the energy to go out with you. There can be several reasons for it. I personally have gone out a few times after work with co-workers despite being tired because it can be beneficial to my career. It could be the same for your boyfriend.
anon85 anon85 5 years
Thanks for your opinion. It's not so much he cancelled at the last minute, when I asked him if he's free to meet, he said no but then ended up going out with his colleagues. But to me, this still feels as if his priorities lie with his boys and yes, he very well maybe taking me for granted.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
My first impression is he's 'taking you for granted' as in, he can't say no to his friends, but when it comes to you, he won't make the same attempt/put out the same energy... Another possibility is he doesn't find you as 'fun' or activity you guys do on dates isn't as fun as activity he does with his friends. Or he doesn't find going out with you to be 'relaxing' or 'fun' so going out with you feels more like a 'chore' unlike going out with his friends. Do you have the right to be p1ssed off, well, only if he stood you up or cancel on you the last minute in order to go out on impromptu boys night out. I mean it's not cool of him to cancel last minute because his friend suddenly 'texts' him with another offer... Do I understand why you're mad, of course I do. It's upsetting to see your bf to prioritize his boys more than you. And his action may also show that he may not like you as much as what he's told you so far/his words. Action always speaks louder than words. Frankly, if a guy does this to me only after a few months of dating, I'd say he's losing interest in me and I'd be moving on. Of course it's your life, and you can definitely have a talk with him, and tell him that it's not cool/respectful to cancel on you last minute with lame excuse just to go out with his friends. Or just ask him (without getting angry) why he does what he does... Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
My first impression is he's 'taking you for granted' as in, he can't say no to his friends, but when it comes to you, he won't make the same attempt/put out the same energy...Another possibility is he doesn't find you as 'fun' or activity you guys do on dates isn't as fun as activity he does with his friends. Or he doesn't find going out with you to be 'relaxing' or 'fun' so going out with you feels more like a 'chore' unlike going out with his friends.Do you have the right to be p1ssed off, well, only if he stood you up or cancel on you the last minute in order to go out on impromptu boys night out. I mean it's not cool of him to cancel last minute because his friend suddenly 'texts' him with another offer...Do I understand why you're mad, of course I do. It's upsetting to see your bf to prioritize his boys more than you. And his action may also show that he may not like you as much as what he's told you so far/his words. Action always speaks louder than words.Frankly, if a guy does this to me only after a few months of dating, I'd say he's losing interest in me and I'd be moving on. Of course it's your life, and you can definitely have a talk with him, and tell him that it's not cool/respectful to cancel on you last minute with lame excuse just to go out with his friends. Or just ask him (without getting angry) why he does what he does...Good luck.
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