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Boyfriend Doesn't Know What He Wants in Bed

Sunday Confessional: He's Doesn't Know What He Wants in Bed

This week's confessional is an excerpt from a post in our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to weigh in with your advice in the comments.

My partner and I have been together, on and off, for ten years.  Most of that time was spent apart,  but we've been living together in a long term relationship for the last three years.  During our 'off' times, we encouraged one another to date other people, which I did, but he never really managed to get another relationship going.  A couple of my past relationships became sexual, so I was exposed to different techniques, styles, etc., and so over time built up a pretty good idea of what I like.  My sexual attitude has changed quite a bit since he and I were each other's first, but it's becoming a lot more apparent that his hasn't.

I know it's probably because he never really had a sexual relationship with anyone aside from me, but even when I share (outside of a sexual encounter) the things I like now, he struggles to see where I am coming from.  It makes things ever more complicated when I ask him what he likes, and he can only shrug and mumble 'I don't know'.  For the last two years, I've offered him suggestions, asked him questions, showed him porn I like, guided him in bed, gave him material to read...and not very much has changed.  He says he needs time...but we're both nearing our 30s, and we still can't get our sex lives together.

There are other confounding factors as well.  We both recognize that he has a problem with coming too quickly, which is a major source of his timidity in bed.  I work with that fact as carefully and sensitively as I can, but in the end, I really feel like he's not working on it alone as much as we do together.  We both have body issues that come and go, and it is a source of unhappiness that can get us both down at times.  I've been working out a bit more for the last year and look a bit better nowadays (he compliments me on it), but even when I tell him he looks wonderful to me and I love him no matter what, it's not enough to inspire him to feel at least a little better when we're physically together.

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RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 6 years
Are you sure he's not just happy with what he has? I have trouble defining what I like best too.. I just like everything. I really dislike when people ask me during sex what I want to do, because I'm a very submissive person and I like things done to me. Of course I don't know the guy, I'm just saying that maybe he's perfectly content where he is,and you can stop worrying about him.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 6 years
Are you sure he's not just happy with what he has? I have trouble defining what I like best too.. I just like everything. I really dislike when people ask me during sex what I want to do, because I'm a very submissive person and I like things done to me.Of course I don't know the guy, I'm just saying that maybe he's perfectly content where he is,and you can stop worrying about him.
hexentanz hexentanz 6 years
I can forsee if this guy is dumped he is going to have far more issues than he already does.WAKE UP maybe he is happy SIMPLY by being with you!
hexentanz hexentanz 6 years
I can forsee if this guy is dumped he is going to have far more issues than he already does. WAKE UP maybe he is happy SIMPLY by being with you!
chequettex chequettex 6 years
I can sympathize with the guy - neither myself nor my husband has ever really been with anyone else. Most of the time I don't really know what I want either. But I'm a girl, and I'm on birth control that really curbs my libido. I remember being a lot more horny all the time before I started taking it 3 months before we got married... then when I went off the pill for awhile, I still wasn't all that interested in sex. Now I don't know if there's a real biological problem or if I'm just so disillusioned with sex that I can't enjoy it.It is an odd problem for a guy to have, but I would say that your continued love, understanding, and patience with him is the best thing you can do.
chequettex chequettex 6 years
I can sympathize with the guy - neither myself nor my husband has ever really been with anyone else. Most of the time I don't really know what I want either. But I'm a girl, and I'm on birth control that really curbs my libido. I remember being a lot more horny all the time before I started taking it 3 months before we got married... then when I went off the pill for awhile, I still wasn't all that interested in sex. Now I don't know if there's a real biological problem or if I'm just so disillusioned with sex that I can't enjoy it. It is an odd problem for a guy to have, but I would say that your continued love, understanding, and patience with him is the best thing you can do.
Miss-Infamous Miss-Infamous 6 years
I cant be with a man who didnt know what they were doing in bed but then again Im 29. Dont women hit their sexual peaks in their 30s?
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
Exactly! In a relationship how can sex not be important if it is going wrong?
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
Huh, I'd say sex is pretty darn important, especially in a committed relationship.
kaylei-h kaylei-h 6 years
Part of me is asking this - when in bed, when you're giving him tips, does he respond and attempt to try the things you say? If this is the case, maybe try to get to a point in bed where he is feeling confident and slowly ask to introduce new things. As discrete as it could be, it might work?!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
It sounds like this might be an issue of self-esteem. He sounds a little unconfident (and embarrassed) to me. If he feels embarrassed about his prematurity, his body (despite your attempts to let him know you find him attractive no matter what), and is quick to just shrug off questions about his sexual preferences, it just sounds to me like he's not very confident in himself. I agree with tlsgirl about relationship/sex therapy. I always think it's important in therapy situations to go both alone and together. There's always something an individual can do to make a relationship better, as well as something the two of you can do together to make it better. So if you choose that route, I suggest solo sessions and joint sessions. But in a nutshell, I think it sounds like your man just needs to feel a little better about himself :) Good luck.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
It sounds like this might be an issue of self-esteem. He sounds a little unconfident (and embarrassed) to me. If he feels embarrassed about his prematurity, his body (despite your attempts to let him know you find him attractive no matter what), and is quick to just shrug off questions about his sexual preferences, it just sounds to me like he's not very confident in himself. I agree with tlsgirl about relationship/sex therapy. I always think it's important in therapy situations to go both alone <i>and</i> together. There's always something an individual can do to make a relationship better, as well as something the two of you can do together to make it better. So if you choose that route, I suggest solo sessions and joint sessions.But in a nutshell, I think it sounds like your man just needs to feel a little better about himself :) Good luck.
hexentanz hexentanz 6 years
Why not back off a bit? Perhaps if you are not in his face all the time about what he likes in bed etc, he will feel a bit more relaxed and then come to you on his own when he is ready.
hexentanz hexentanz 6 years
Why not back off a bit? Perhaps if you are not in his face all the time about what he likes in bed etc, he will feel a bit more relaxed and then come to you on his own when he is ready.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
This is tough, since you're pretty clear on wanting to stay together despite the lackluster sex. Otherwise I'd tell you to leave since it's been such a long time and nothing has changed. But, since you appear to want to stay together I'd suggest seeing a relationship or sex therapist together, or urge him to go to one on his own so that maybe he can get past these hangups that he has.
bellavita214 bellavita214 6 years
This is a hard one... I don'y have a lot of advice. I can only say I would not be comfortable being with a guy who has never been with anyone but me. I don't want a man whore lol, but experience in general makes a person so much more well rounded. Not only in the bedroom but in relationships in general.
bellavita214 bellavita214 6 years
This is a hard one... I don'y have a lot of advice. I can only say I would not be comfortable being with a guy who has never been with anyone but me. I don't want a man whore lol, but experience in general makes a person so much more well rounded. Not only in the bedroom but in relationships in general.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
It sounds like he has some serious hangups and is uncomfortable with his sexuality in general. Especially since he seems uncomfortable telling you what he is interested in. Maybe he is concerned that you will think he is too vanilla or boring or alternately, maybe he has some outlandish sexual fetish that he is too afraid to tell you about?? In terms of his premature ejaculation, he can work on that when alone by prolonging his orgasm, as in he gets himself excited and then stops himself before he comes. If he increases the amount of time that he can wait before coming when masturbating, he will learn how to gain more control over his body. I am sure that there must be some good books out there on this subject as it is a common problem. He needs to understand and prioritize the fact that your pleasure is just as important as his. If he is unable to do this, then perhaps sex therapy could be a good option? Otherwise you may need to find a different partner because no one wants to be married to someone who is a dud in bed. Good luck with everything.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
I have been watching this post and the lack of responses with interest.I can't help but wonder if your lover (almost inappropriate word there) is deliberately playing this game. Some people need guidance but most learn along the way too. Clearly help is needed if you wish to continue but I'm afraid I have no idea where to suggest.I'm sorry this response is not more helpful but I thought it was better than looking totally ignored.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
I have been watching this post and the lack of responses with interest. I can't help but wonder if your lover (almost inappropriate word there) is deliberately playing this game. Some people need guidance but most learn along the way too. Clearly help is needed if you wish to continue but I'm afraid I have no idea where to suggest. I'm sorry this response is not more helpful but I thought it was better than looking totally ignored.
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