My partner and I have been together, on and off, for ten years. Most of that time was spent apart, but we've been living together in a long term relationship for the last three years. During our 'off' times, we encouraged one another to date other people, which I did, but he never really managed to get another relationship going. A couple of my past relationships became sexual, so I was exposed to different techniques, styles, etc., and so over time built up a pretty good idea of what I like. My sexual attitude has changed quite a bit since he and I were each other's first, but it's becoming a lot more apparent that his hasn't.
I know it's probably because he never really had a sexual relationship with anyone aside from me, but even when I share (outside of a sexual encounter) the things I like now, he struggles to see where I am coming from. It makes things ever more complicated when I ask him what he likes, and he can only shrug and mumble 'I don't know'. For the last two years, I've offered him suggestions, asked him questions, showed him porn I like, guided him in bed, gave him material to read...and not very much has changed. He says he needs time...but we're both nearing our 30s, and we still can't get our sex lives together.
There are other confounding factors as well. We both recognize that he has a problem with coming too quickly, which is a major source of his timidity in bed. I work with that fact as carefully and sensitively as I can, but in the end, I really feel like he's not working on it alone as much as we do together. We both have body issues that come and go, and it is a source of unhappiness that can get us both down at times. I've been working out a bit more for the last year and look a bit better nowadays (he compliments me on it), but even when I tell him he looks wonderful to me and I love him no matter what, it's not enough to inspire him to feel at least a little better when we're physically together.
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