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Boyfriend Is Drunk Texting Other Girls

Group Therapy: He's Drunk Texting Other Girls

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been with my boyfriend for about eight months. We are both in our mid-twenties and live together.  We also work together, which may seem like a lot of time together to some people, however, we honestly always get together and at least I know I miss him when he is not around.  He says the same about me.  I have met his parents and vice versa.  We have both talked about how this relationship is different compared to the previous ones we've been in.  

I recently discovered that him and a couple of his girlfriends have endearing terms for each other. I feel positive that he hasn't cheated on me; however, I did mention it to him that I didn't care for the fact that they drunk text him at 3 am calling him endearing terms.  We are on the same phone bill and I recently discovered that he constantly texts these three girls when I am not around. I recently went out of town and found out that he was texting two of them till about 4 a.m. Should I be concerned? I don't care if they talk, I just want some limits. Opinions? Advice?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I agree with kurnia. The reasons for his actions are more likely to be innocent than evil. I think the issue might be that his idea of a fun lifestyle is a bit different than yours. For him and his friends, drinking and drunk texting are normal. You aren't going to change that about him anytime soon.Sure, when he hits 40 at least, it'll lose its appeal. But who knows how long it'll take between now and then for him to reprioritize? If it's worth it to you to stick it out, figure out what is most important to you and hold firm about it. I assume you want zero drunken hookups or even any sexually explicit texting, right? Start there. And learn to put up with the Stud Puppy and Sugartits nicknames for now.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I agree with kurnia. The reasons for his actions are more likely to be innocent than evil. I think the issue might be that his idea of a fun lifestyle is a bit different than yours. For him and his friends, drinking and drunk texting are normal. You aren't going to change that about him anytime soon. Sure, when he hits 40 at least, it'll lose its appeal. But who knows how long it'll take between now and then for him to reprioritize? If it's worth it to you to stick it out, figure out what is most important to you and hold firm about it. I assume you want zero drunken hookups or even any sexually explicit texting, right? Start there. And learn to put up with the Stud Puppy and Sugartits nicknames for now.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
What is it with all this "it's most likely innocent" stuff that everyone is espousing! Who texts someone at 4 in the morning calling them sweet little nicknames if they don't want to get something from them? Tell him to stop. I really don't understand this "we're just friends" stuff that some people say when they know that what they're doing is wrong. How would he feel if you did the same thing to guy "friends". The reason him and those girls do it is that there are sexual feelings between them.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
If you've not met these gals, then it's time for your bf to introduce you or at least involve you in some of their friends activity. It sounds to me that it can be a complete innocent thing while it can get rather inappropriate as well (I see it both ways now). It seems that these 3 girls have been in his life before you're around so they have already formed a habit on how to communicate with each other,. When I was in college, me and my friends would talk all hours until late in the morning, no wonder we were so sleep deprived. It can be debates (yes, political, religion, what-have-you), or just plain BS-ing. I even had my male friends (some had gfs at the time) stay over with me and my friends at my apt b/c they were too drunk to drive home. There really was no hanky panky involved although it was easily misinterpreted by outside party. We were just good buddies and yes, we called each other sometimes endearing names, I even called one of my male friends 'my no.1 hubby,' and believe me, there was no romantic spark (he even scored himself an awesome gf--of course, I barely called him that after that, well not in front of his gf anyway). There's also a reason why he texts them all the time when you're not around: 1) it'll be rude to be texting them all the time while you're around because he needs to be paying attention to YOU first 2) he thinks you're not going to appreciate it if he 3) He may be thinking you're 'too insecure'/not to pleased if you knew that he's texting them in front of you, so he does it behind your back (kind of out of sight, out of mind mentality). Or he's actually flirting with them? I don't know your bf, so yah, it can be unintentionally inappropriate or really inappropriate to your relationship. Talk to him about it, if you're insecure about their friendship, he needs to at least compromise to make you feel more secure. I know he doesn't owe you that but if he's a good bf, he sohuld try to meet one of your needs. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
If you've not met these gals, then it's time for your bf to introduce you or at least involve you in some of their friends activity.It sounds to me that it can be a complete innocent thing while it can get rather inappropriate as well (I see it both ways now). It seems that these 3 girls have been in his life before you're around so they have already formed a habit on how to communicate with each other,.When I was in college, me and my friends would talk all hours until late in the morning, no wonder we were so sleep deprived. It can be debates (yes, political, religion, what-have-you), or just plain BS-ing. I even had my male friends (some had gfs at the time) stay over with me and my friends at my apt b/c they were too drunk to drive home. There really was no hanky panky involved although it was easily misinterpreted by outside party. We were just good buddies and yes, we called each other sometimes endearing names, I even called one of my male friends 'my no.1 hubby,' and believe me, there was no romantic spark (he even scored himself an awesome gf--of course, I barely called him that after that, well not in front of his gf anyway).There's also a reason why he texts them all the time when you're not around: 1) it'll be rude to be texting them all the time while you're around because he needs to be paying attention to YOU first 2) he thinks you're not going to appreciate it if he 3) He may be thinking you're 'too insecure'/not to pleased if you knew that he's texting them in front of you, so he does it behind your back (kind of out of sight, out of mind mentality). Or he's actually flirting with them? I don't know your bf, so yah, it can be unintentionally inappropriate or really inappropriate to your relationship.Talk to him about it, if you're insecure about their friendship, he needs to at least compromise to make you feel more secure. I know he doesn't owe you that but if he's a good bf, he sohuld try to meet one of your needs. Good luck.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
I agree with others. Your concerns are perfectly within reason. Just tell him exactly what you told us about wanting some boundaries around his communication with his lady friends. If he's a good guy, he should respond positively.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I agree--tell him what you told us, that you don't mind him having these friends but that the secrecy of their relationship bothers you. Tell him you'd feel more comfortable if you could meet these girls and hang out with them.
sahieszhya sahieszhya 5 years
It is perfectly normal to stay in touch with exes, after spending so much time together, a friendship does sort of grow despite the relationship screwing up. But it may just be a case of his exes persistently drunk texting him and him replying because he is a nice guy. However during those times of the night, and consistently doing it when you're away.. that is actually odd. I wouldn't like for my boyfriend to do that. And you are right to tell him straight.Things should get better, now that he knows, he's aware of what's happening and how it looks. I wouldnt be too concerned.
sahieszhya sahieszhya 5 years
It is perfectly normal to stay in touch with exes, after spending so much time together, a friendship does sort of grow despite the relationship screwing up. But it may just be a case of his exes persistently drunk texting him and him replying because he is a nice guy. However during those times of the night, and consistently doing it when you're away.. that is actually odd. I wouldn't like for my boyfriend to do that. And you are right to tell him straight. Things should get better, now that he knows, he's aware of what's happening and how it looks. I wouldnt be too concerned.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I would tell him what you just told us. You don't mind if he has these friends but that you don't think it's necessary for them to be texting all hours of the night. A few messages is fine, but if he wants to chat for hours, suggest you all get together in person to do dinner or something. If he loves you he'll be willing to do that for you. If he balks, I'd start getting suspicious.
Girly-in-pink Girly-in-pink 5 years
Well I am currently in a similar situation, I was with my ex for seven years and he meant a lot to me and I never imagined a day without him but things didn't work out because we both were on different pages. Since I am the one that broke things off, it's kind of crazy at times I miss him and we talk and text and of course sex comes up from time to time. I call him things like baby or honey because it's what I been calling him for years. The thing is this, we both are in new relationships but from time to time we talk about getting back together or what ifs; yes I ran into him and touching and kissing occured. Im sure if things got out of hand we might have had a sexual encounter but I had to get a grip. But i would say this, you never know where his mind or heart truly is, speaking from my own personal experience I would say that I would tell him to stop completely, if he has a problem with it then you know where his heart is. I have fallen for my current boyfriend but I know that my ex is Always there for me and I'm the same for him. It's easy finding yourself in new relationship after you break up. Just say no to contact with exs that is always bad, trust me I know first hand.
txturtle txturtle 5 years
He was drinking when they were up texting late and I havent asked about it, not sure if its worth it. When I explained why i didnt like the drunk texting with endearing terms he said he was sorry. That they had always called each other these names since they met and that he didnt know how to stop them. Which I can understand. my concern is why only talk to them when i am not around and not tell me? I
BiWife BiWife 5 years
I've been up to all hours debating or discussing things with friends, especially when I was working a late shift or having trouble sleeping. So I don't think the timing is that big of a deal. As for his response, you forgot to mention what that was. Was he apologetic? Indignant? Indifferent?
RiaFoxx RiaFoxx 5 years
I haven't been in this situation personally. A friend of mine was, and it ended up being that the guy was actually cheating on her. It's not to say that the same is going on here, but seriously texts till 4 in the morning? I'm sure they're not talking politics or government.
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