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Boyfriend Dumped Me, Now Won't Stop Emailing

Group Therapy: Boyfriend Dumped Me, Now Won't Stop Emailing

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me on Sunday, and then wrote me an email on Monday morning explaining why he wants to be single — he needs to grow and mature and hang out with friends.  I obviously didn't reply.  

I have had an excruciating week, as anyone who has been through a breakup can understand.  We had been together for a year.  Anyway, on Wednesday night he wrote me a Facebook message saying, "You just want me out of your life?" I then blocked him on Facebook, only to wake up this morning to find he had written me yesterday twice but through my email.  

He asked me if I had read his first email, and then said something along the lines of, "Did you delete me from your life permanently?  I never meant for all these bad feelings to happen . . . I just realize that I can't be in a relationship right now and I need to grow where I'm at and discover new things.  I hope we can still hang out and be friends. I want everything to be okay."  

To me, this doesn't make any sense.  How can you be friends with someone who you have been intimate with?  I was with him for a year.  To me it seems like a bad joke.  I haven't replied and I just want to get over him.  A part of me wonders if he is still interested because he keeps contacting me, but he contacted me to say that he can't be in a relationship, so I don't know what his deal is. Is he pretending?  Is he just waking up now that he realizes I'm actually trying to move on?

Sorry for the pathetic situation. I do want to move on with my life.  It is just terribly difficult and he is confusing me.

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Anne26 Anne26 5 years
Just let go and ignore him. I had a really needy ex-bf too that I dated in 2007 for about 2 years. I had no life while I was with him. It took 1 more year after I broke up with him to get back to what I really wanted in life and ohh many things have changed. I moved away to a wonderful city, got a great job and now going to law school while he is the same old him, doing the same old thing, living the same BORING life. I never thought I would say this but I definitely outgrew him in MANY more ways. If he only knew. Some people will just bring you down. Live life and don't let someone like him ruin it for you. Trust me, you will look back and be so glad you moved on and became a better person while your ex most likely stayed stalled in the same place. :-)
makenna1 makenna1 5 years
Follow your gut! Please don't take him back. A gf of mine was dumped by her bf of 2 years + and then he wanted her back after a few weeks. She had all sorts of clues that he was cheating during their relationship and yet she took him back. I know personally from my bf that her bf was not the "faithful" type. Find a man ready for the committed relationship that will fill your heart. You can never regain lost time and after a year of love invested can you honestly say that you have any confusion about the fact that he wants to "be out there" experiencing other things. Stay busy and flirt a lot! Give yourself time to heal before entering a new relationship. They call it rebound love for a very good reason. Also it hurts your self esteem to have some tell you that you are not what they want.... REMEMBER only you can give someone else permission to make you feel less than you know you are ...
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
It sounds to me as if he thought that he could break up with you, but you would still want/ask for him back. He expected that he could break up with you but perhaps still hang out as friends and maybe have some ex sex as well. He is giving you the whole 'let's be friends' thing because he probably did not want you completely gone from his life. He does not want to feel like the bad guy or feel guilty for breaking up with you and also he does not want to miss you. So he figures if you are there for him still whenever he wants to see you, then he can have sex with other girls and possibly have sex with you too (I kind of agree with anon19). Basically, he sounds like a jack@ss. I am sure that you can get over him and meet someone waaaaaaaay better than him. You are under no obligation to contact him or talk to him, he has made this decision therefore he can miss spending time with you. You are doing the right thing, just keep being strong and you will get over him more quickly if you can avoid seeing/talking to him as much as you can. If you know that he is going to be somewhere, get your friends to pull you away from him if he tries to talk to you. Good luck.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 5 years
Well first of all it is easier for men to be friends with x's than it is for women having said that your relationship or lack there of post break up is obviously largly determined by why it ended. His reason for ending it is perfectly vallid on every level. He realized he is not in a position to be in a serious relationship and he needs to be on his own. It sucks for you because you've invested emotionally for a year but your pain does not change the fact that he made the right decision for him self. As for contacting you if you really want to shut the door answer him directly and shut the door. Contemplating a continued friendship with him at this time is not something you should even be considering. Allow your self time away not just physically, but email, phone etc. to be out of his life and heal. If a friendship continues that may or may not happen on its own trying to cultivate it now in the midst of your hurt only ads insult to injury. I'm friends with or on friendly terms with all of my x's mainly because we didn't really do anything bad to each other. It just didn't work and that's all there is to it for us but we do enjoy each other as friends.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I don't know if that was it, Anon 19. It's possible, but I didn't get that vibe.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
No contact. You need to do what is best for you to get over this situation, and making him feel less guilty and lonely is not it. If it is "meant to be" for you to be friends, it will happen in the distant future, when you couldn't care less about who he is with and what he is doing. For him to expect that now is ludicrous. BTW, there is NOTHING pathetic about you....I highly commend how you are handling this situation, and you are doing the right thing, Trust me.
alittlebitofsun alittlebitofsun 5 years
I agree. Another thing to know about the situation is that the month before he broke up with me I had been letting him treat me very badly. For example, when he told me I would have no right to get over him if he dumped me, I told him through tears that I would still be there if he dumped me. I'm not anymore... I don't know why I said that. I was just putting up with him.
alittlebitofsun alittlebitofsun 5 years
I thought I would add a little bit more to my situation. It doesn't matter to me that it isn't anonymous anymore. I don't know if it's okay for me to do this or I should set up a new post or what. The week before he broke up with me, he told me that if he ever broke up with me, I would have "no right to get over him" because I have dumped him in the past and he has always waited for me. It was only for a couple of weeks. Before the breakup, we had been in a 3 month long distance relationship. He was at college and that's when all this new stuff started happening with his friends, even though he has never been social before. I decided to move back to the States for him, and a couple days after I had changed my ticket, he broke up with me (Sunday). Now he knows I am returning in a few days. He also knows he will see me at an upcoming retreat for college students over Thanksgiving. He is younger than me and immature and also has very deep struggles with bitterness. Also, he hasn't emailed me again, but he DID email my twin sister yesterday asking if he and her are still friends (they were never close). :/
Chelsea25 Chelsea25 5 years
I think a short email is probably best as the lack of a response will probably cause him to keep trying. After the email, no contact as everyone has said. But my opinion is slightly different as to motive. I disagree that him trying to be your friend is def a simple case of wanting to ease his guilt or have his cake and eat it too. Sometimes you can still care about a person, love them even, but can see that for whatever reason its not going to work for you. Its unpleasant and heartbreaking, but it happens. Explain to him that you cant be friends with him and he needs to respect that. But no need to go around thinking hes a scumbag who wanted to add salt to the wound or make you suffer even more. Hes selfish for sure but It is just possible that he does still care about you and is genuinely missing you which is why hes doing this. That DOESN'T make a difference to the bottom line because youre doing the right thing.. Hes let you go and its his loss and he'll realise that in time. No need to add any more negativity to the situation and feel even more anger and bitterness at what he has put you through. You sound like a strong person, hope things feel a bit better soon
Carri Carri 5 years
No contact. Sounds like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
I agree with others-- no contact. You're doing what you should be by ignoring it. I'm sorry he's deciding to rub salt in the wound by not giving you some space to breathe and heal. I totally agree with Anon 8. Guys have this weird ego thing sometimes that makes them act like jackasses. He wants you to reply with, "Omgz the pain I need you back!!!" I've encountered this kind of behavior in many guys in many different scenarios. A less emotional reaction seems to really rub their machismo the wrong way.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
I agree with the other comments. Don't contact him back. I think that he feels bad and wants to know that you don't hate him--I know I feel like that when I breakup with someone. If the e-mail upset you, don 't read them, send them to span.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
Good advice, ladies. I must confess, I'm going through something very, very similar right now and I'm trying to figure out what to do. If you want to move on, don't let him stop you. Really.
MySecondLife MySecondLife 5 years
I'm in the "no contact" camp. You've been given a lot of great advice so far. However, if you DO decide to send a response, my suggestion would be something like: Ex: You need to move on, as you said. We are not in a relationship anymore. Perhaps we'll be friends someday, but not today and not tomorrow. Please stop contacting me. I'm fine. I WOULDNT say, "I'm hurting...." or any such thing. I agree with the comment that he is imagining you dressed in black, pulling your hair out, etc. Don't feed into his fantasy. While he was/is important to you, don't let him KNOW how badly he's upset you. You sound like you are a very strong person in spite of the pain, that you instinctively know the best course, and I suspect that you'll wind up with Mr. Right in good time. A person as strong and smart as you doesn't need Mr. Needy.
Girl-Jen Girl-Jen 5 years
I've been in a similar situation. I sent an email sort of like this: Dear Ex, I appreciate the explanation and the well wishes, but I am feeling very hurt and raw right now. I'll be okay, eventually, but this contact from you is upsetting me. Please don't call or email right now. Thanks. After that, no contact.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
He's whiney. Don't contact him back. He's a silly little man who is feeling guilty and wants attention. if you don't want to be friends with him you don't want to be friends with him! It's that simple - if he wanted you to be his girlfriend again he would ask you. but if you're not comfortable being friends you don't have to - afterall he broke up with you so he wouldnt' have any obligations, so he could still be single - so let him be single! I'm glad you haven't replied yet though! keep it up it will get easier over time!
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
Do not respond!!! You've been really smart so far (plenty of women who come here asking for advice aren't so strong). What he's doing now as far as contacting you is simply an attempt to ease his own guilt. You two are not together anymore, so in his mind he has no further obligation towards you (isn't that what he himself said he wanted, after all?) and from now on anything he says or does will be purely for his own benefit in some way. Stay strong, don't contact him at all for a while. You won't be able to move on if you get sucked into that back and forth, does he or doesn't he "friends" thing. Maybe one day it will be possible, but not until you are completely ambivalent about him and your relationship. Good luck.
Pauladeanliveshere Pauladeanliveshere 5 years
I am so sorry for all the confusion. Guys can be so weird sometimes. Here is the thing: he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because he is too selfish. But he cares about you and wants you in his life. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. And he is most likely missing you a lot. If you dated for a year then you guys are likely very close. He is in shock that you are not talking to him and is most probably hurting. However, stay strong and ignore him. Do not hope he wants you back and realizes his loss unless those words come from his mouth. You need to move on and be strong for you!
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