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Boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriend Won't Go Away

Group Therapy: His Ex Won't Go Away Indefinitely!

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!


I'm 32 and my boyfriend is 31. My live-in boyfriend for the last year has an ex that I really just can't stand (I think that's all exes though right ladies?). So he dated this girl for two years, however for more than half of their relationship they lived in different states. He broke up with her a year and a half ago. Summing it up. Apparently they never fought, so she's either a pushover or just they never fought because they were never by each other. ANYWHO . . .

When he and I first started dating they talked every day, multiple times a day. She calls herself his "best friend," though he said his best friend is not her (he doesn't tell her that though). I shut that daily chatter down real quick and now a year later, they talk about once a week for not too long, on average about 10 minutes. Sometimes they talk a few times a week because he's in the car a lot for work and gets bored.

He and I had a blog about our lives and she can't read it because she doesn't know if it will upset her, those were her words. Seriously, it's been a year and a half since he dumped her and she's STILL not over it. And I'm supposed to be ok with him being friends with this chick and talking to her at all? I don't like this because she still has the hots for him, so how do I know her intentions when he talks about our relationships are in the best interest of us, not her. He still has pictures of her on his computer, and some are from when they lived together and are of them in the process of hooking up!

To make matters worse, we're going to visit his friend for Thanksgiving who lives close to her and I guess we're going to dinner with her while in town. I'd rather eat poo off a shoe but feel I'm being childish and untrustworthy if I say no. And well let's face it, I'm not going to let him go without me so I have to say yes!

Ugh, am I being jealous for no reason? OR should I keep a pair of binoculars on this chick cause she might be trouble. She lives two hours from here, but that's too close in my opinion. And this weekly chatter because she's his ex of two years they were together (they broke up in may of 2010) still chaps my hide.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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lizlee89 lizlee89 4 years
Exes can be friends, but it depends on the situation whether or not the platonic element is real or a front. I have a group of friends, many of whom wierdly dated one or more members of the group and later ended up marrying one of them. We are all friends from church and we still remain very close, despite the fact that some of them are each other's exes. However, there is no heat or remaining feeling between any of them - it's a lot different when one of the exes is saying she is jealous. I would definitely be concerned, but your responsibility is to communicate your feelings. His responsibility, even more important, is to address those feelings and terminate the relationship. If he refuses to respect you and your feelings, then you might need to reevaluate the relationship - I know that sounds drastic, but part of true love is putting the other person's needs before yours and certainly your friends as well as respecting your loved one's concerns...
Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine 4 years
I don't think there's anything wrong with staying friends with exes, but both parties need to be totally over the relationship, and she clearly isn't. Explain to your boyfriend that you don't feel comfortable with him keeping such close contact with her, not because you don't trust him, but because she clearly has ulterior motives for staying in touch. He should respect you over her, and I think you're justified in getting upset over this.
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
I'm curious why he allows this contact. If he's that attached to her that he feels he has to answer her weekly calls and keep pictures of them in the process of hooking up....he definitely needs to check his motives of keeping contact with her...and you need to call him out on it. I think your jealousy is justified in this instance....but don't let it rule your actions and thoughts. Talk to him about it calmly. I would suggest you cancel your dinner plans with her over Thanksgiving. See how he reacts...
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
It's understandable you're annoyed. It's ok. From time to time, some people get annoyed with the exes. . Your situation reminds me of my husband and her ex of 7 years, but the only difference was, she didn't mind playing the third wheel on most of our dates (she claimed that my husband is like her brother due to their past commitment, but I digress). In your case, this ex is not physically everywhere in your life, he's only got contact with her occasionally , you're making it that she's a big topic in your head and perhaps in your relationship with your bf. Stop doing that. It's going to drive YOU nuts. It appears that your bf is committed to you. You get him to write a blog with you? That's commitment! LOL, j/k, I can't even get my husband to take me to IKEA, for god's sake, he'd rather keel over he said. Anyway. If you haven't talked to your bf about still being uncomfortable with her liking him, do talk it out, it's important to see his reaction/feedback. A suggestion I'm throwing out : If you can get a change of thanksgiving plan, do so, try to cut out the part where you guys have to hang out with this girl and see how your bf reacts to it, see if he's going to 'fight' to be able to see her. Normal friends would be a little disappointed if they can't meet during Thanksgiving but won't fight too much (bending themselves backward) to see each other this time, they'll say 'hey, maybe next time' and perhaps talk about meeting some other time but there's not that sense of urgency. Do watch things as it unfolds without getting too paranoid, after all, there's nothing wrong with being observant and cautious. Good luck.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
Sometimes jealousy is totally justified. Go ahead and tell him him you don't like him hanging out with her. Let us know what he says. Are you willing to admit to him you are jealous? Do you think your jealousy is justified? (I do.)
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