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Boyfriend Is a Former Pot Head

Group Therapy: How to Get Over a BF's Past

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm having a tough time with my BF’s past. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting, or being completely normal with my feelings.

He spent from 14 – 25 smoking a TON of pot. His entire high school days were spent getting high. High in class, after school, weekends. Which continued into his 20s. He now is unable to smoke due to his job, but he speaks about it regularly, how much he misses it, how much he wish he could etc, etc. If we are at a concert, and kids light up, he comments about how he loves the smell and gets this grin. . .

I was not a pot smoker. Did I try it? Yes. But only a handful of times and didn’t enjoy it. I never saw the draw, and paying attention in school and being involved in other activities was how I spent my time. I'm having trouble with his "love" affair with the stuff. That he spent his formative years high as a kite, and how he speaks about it now like a long lost friend.

I cringe when he tells me stories from his high school days that start. . . .”I was so high and. . . .” I literally tune him out because I'm not amused and don’t think that it's cute, or okay that he spent that much time stoned out of his mind.

He doesn’t speak very openly about it when I ask, if I ask how often he was smoking, or why, or how it was okay for him to do that. Then I get upset that his parents didn’t know and didn’t do anything to stop it.

I spent my years studying hard, working, and doing extra curricular activities, I took what I did seriously. I had a ton of fun, but drugs weren’t part of that. Even in college, grades were too important to sit around getting stoned and wasting time. I should note — he didn’t do well in high school (big surprise) and he never went to college.

Find out more after the jump!

I think people do smoke, but grow out of it and realize it was something from their youth, a time of experimenting — not something carried into adulthood as a regular activity. Am I nuts for being this upset about it? That he still talks about it so much and it was such a big part of his life. I'm almost positive if his job didn’t prevent him from being able to smoke, he still would regularly.

Is there any way to feel better about this? Or is it really just a difference in moral standings and this is just where I stand and I'm never going to be okay with it?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Well Ryan if you saw me on the street I would gladly take a toke off your joint, no need to blow it in my face! What the hell are you talking about?
Auburn68 Auburn68 5 years
OP, I think you know the answer to your dilemma. Often, we know the answers but just need the opportunity to vent in order to uncover them. You wrote: "Or is it really just a difference in moral standings and this is just where I stand and Im never going to be okay with it?" I'm thinking, that maybe neither of you are right or wrong, just different from each other. What you must ask yourself is what you are willing to put up with in this relationship. What are the "deal breakers" for you? You mustn't make the mistake of compromising your own value system; to do that is to "lose yourSELF". A practical point to ponder: If you really know who you are, why threaten the sense of self and autonomy by choosing a partner who's basic value system conflicts so directly with your own?
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
Sunshine, I've gathered from the bulk of your comments that you really don't seem proud to have this guy as a boyfriend. You have used your comments to defend your beliefs/values and counter his lifestyle and choices. You should really consider ending the relationship, in my opinion.
Sunshine1980 Sunshine1980 5 years
Yes his bragging about doing very little is bothersome as he seems more proud about how very little he needs to do…and seems to belittle me for the hard work and long days I put in essentially telling me that I got the raw end of the deal and its dumb to work as hard as I do. Do I secretly wish that I could slow down? Not in the least. I do relax, don’t get me wrong, but I couldn’t spend an entire day in bed doing absolutely nothing and be okay with that. To me that’s wasting time and not living life. I wont even do that when sick! Im unhappy even sleeping in on the weekend, would rather get up and get out and enjoy the fresh day….and sit down around 2 or 3 for a bit. What attracted me in the first place (nearly 2 years ago) was his incredible sense of humor, and how on top of life he came across. He was motivated, and into things----hobbies, interests, had lots to talk about, took initiative to call and make plans with me…..and DO things when we made plans. Then I guess he got comfortable, and he doesn’t do any of that anymore----he doesn’t partake in his hobbies or have much to talk about. I live my life of do it today, as you don’t know if you have a tomorrow. Every day at work is a whirl-wind for me…and every night after work I have a list of things that Im working on, or things that need to get done-----but that also includes stopping for a bit for myself. But generally my days FLY by…..when I speak with him, his days drag and he doesn’t like it and is bored most of the time----well, he had hobbies---what happened to those? He bought a house that needs SERIOUS work…..but he drags his feet to accomplish that----he bought the house in April-----he hasn’t moved in yet….he doesn’t have floors, he cant live there—and its probably another 2- 4 months until its in a spot where he can move in-----who does that?
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
Janine22 here, if my name is not coming up...still having issues. Ok, I get your point. It sounds to me that you are unhappy with his lack of motivation/laziness (which you seem to connect with his pot smoking). I think that he is just a lazy person in general, perhaps he is so attracted to/interested in smoking pot because it makes him feel relaxed and it is easier to not do things if you are constantly stoned. I just wanted to point out, as I more or less said earlier, that not all people that smoke pot are lazy, unmotivated individuals. There are many that are motivated, have full time jobs, work hard, have kids and are responsible and educated. Just as there are many people that do not smoke pot but are lazy and unmotivated. Sunshine1980, I think that you should be with someone who is just as motivated as you are and wants to do more in their life. Obviously the fact that he is happy and bragging about doing very little at his job bothers you. His past behaviors bother you, it seems that his general worldview bothers you. On the other hand, sometimes two individuals that are opposite like that can be positive influences for one another. I have a friend who is a very A type personality, very motivated, and her husband is relaxed and pretty easy going. They compliment one another because she helps him to get motivated to take action and he helps her to calm down and relax. But it sounds like you are not happy with the way that your bf lives or has lived his life in general. Do you secretly envy the fact that he can slow down and enjoy life without always feeling that he has to accomplish things? Do you wish that you could learn how to do that more often? I am asking this because I am wondering exactly what about his personality attracted you to him since now you sound disapproving and almost disgusted with him. What did you like about him in the beginning??? (I am not sure how long the two of you have been together). Due to the fact that you seem to look down and disagree with his perspective on life and his past, I can't see you two having a future. I think that you would be irritated with him for not seeking to achieve more in his life and he would be confused by your constant running around or realize pretty quickly that you are not impressed by his lack of motivation. Sounds like a recipe for disaster in a marriage to me. I think that a fundamental difference in life perspectives can work if the two people can understand, appreciate or admire the others unique perspective. But it does not seem to be the case for your relationship so I suspect that you two are not a good match. Good luck.
Sunshine1980 Sunshine1980 5 years
I didn’t know that being the DD meant you couldn’t have a single drink. Last I checked being the DD means that you’re the one who drives and don’t get drunk. If over a 6 hour period Im having 3 drinks….and water….Im perfectly FINE to drive. So no I don’t claim to be PERFECT-----but I do have a high standard for what I find acceptable and not acceptable. But yes, I have a hard time with someone who is ‘serious’ about their job, yet all they talk about is how they nap while on the job, and being paid by taxpayers money and how easy they have it, and how they watch movies and sit around… Id have much more respect if while he was at work being paid with the taxpayers money----if they were training, and working on drills or making sure items on the trucks or at the firehouse were in good working order….. He sleeps till 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and is up for about an hour before needing another nap. He has a large amount of time off due to his schedule (and trust me things he ‘should’ and ‘needs’ to be getting done, but he just doesn’t do anything to get those things done…… Yet he has no understanding for how I work 8+ hours a day, how I run around at night…and maybe have 2 hours to sit and just relax before going to bed and doing it all over again 5 days a week…. Sorry I don’t exactly have prime examples of those I know who have social drinks or smoke cigs not doing well or not performing a their jobs. I do, however, have PLENTY of examples of those who smoke pot underperforming and not doing well. That isnt to say that there are people who can smoke it and not have issues---its just that the examples in MY life, demonstrate otherwise. I have a strong belief system of what is right, appropriate, what is immature and wrong…..I don’t think that is a terrible thing. Some people are more liberal with these views, and on some topics Im more liberal than most (generally about relationships and what is okay and not okay)---I accept that my views on relationships is not always shared. I just have a very strong sense of principle, and what Im okay with and those have been molded from people Ive met, experiences Ive had, and also that I put in much hard work to get to where I am, and lazy people to me, well----they’re just not my style. My close group of friends are hard working, achievers, we all do well for ourselves and encourage the others to do well for themselves, it’s a great support system. None of us have much down time, we’re all in many directions and constantly have things to do, places to be and things we want to accomplish. We’re driven to say the least. So its difficult to sit and care for someone who has so much potential but isnt doing anything to actualize it, and speaks of their love affair with pot and all their happy times and fun stories are linked to a substance….not people, or hard work, or desire----but a drug that altered their mind.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
"Do you also believe all of the other crap that the government feeds you or do you actually have the ability to think independently and educate yourself by reading accurate scientific information?" Amen Janine! I knew there was a reason I always liked you!
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
All the people who think you are rediculous for being concerned are rediculous themselves. And to call you a nerd shows ignorance. You did well, worked hard for what you got, and you expect the same from the person you want to be with. Ignore SB's comments and others like hers because they speak from ignorance. It sounds like the first chance he gets he will smoke again, and go back into the haze of his youth. You have to decide if it is worth the risk. If you ask him outright, he might lie to get you off his back, so I wouldn't trust if he told you, no he wouldn't if he had the chance again. But you already know he would. Personally I think you can do better that this guy, but only you can decide for yourself if he is an appropriate guy to be with.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
Sorry for the double post having issues with my account right now! It says I am not logged in when apparently I am but it will not show me my account. ARG.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
Ok, I am not anonymous, this is Janine22 but for some reason the site will not allow me to log in lately. Frustrating! Anyways, I felt the need to comment. I agree with BettyWayne, Kurniakasih, LicketySplit. I live in British Columbia, Canada and almost everyone I know smokes marijuana, at least occasionally. That includes my wonderful, energetic, 66 year old mom who works in an elementary school, her friends, nurses, engineers, professors, etc. Older people, younger people, athletic people, most people that I know smoke it at least once in awhile. I vaporize pot probably about once a week (less when I was in school or some weeks I don't feel like doing it). I personally take offense to the comment that you made saying that it is no surprise that your bf didn't do well in high school and did not attend college. At my University, there was pot activists smoking up and talking about legalization every week in plain view of everyone. My point is that many educated, intelligent individuals that contribute to society, hold down important jobs and attain higher levels of education with good grades may smoke marijuana occasionally or regularly. Just the same as the many people that regularly or occasionally drink. I am so flabbergasted that many people believe that pot is wrong or bad simply due to the fact that it is illegal. Seriously are you all sheep's? Do you also believe all of the other crap that the government feeds you or do you actually have the ability to think independently and educate yourself by reading accurate scientific information? -Have any of you looking down on those who smoke marijuana actually studied the disturbingly high rates of disease and deaths associated with drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes as compared with the comparatively low rate of problems associated with marijuana? Ok, rant over for now. :) -By the way, I get irritated with the level of judgement of people that believe all of these stereotypes about individuals that smoke pot. Yet those same people regularly use or abuse alcohol or smoke cigarettes but look down on those who smoke pot? Can you say hypocritical? Sunshine 1980: You come across as very judgemental and condescending with an air of moral superiority. Perhaps that is why you ignited such a strong reaction in people. The reason that I responded is because yes, I felt judged by you. I would imagine that you make many people in your life feel this way. Also, I wanted you be more open minded about things instead of looking down on behaviour that you cannot relate to or understand. Marijuana effects people differently and just because you did not like the effects of it, does not mean that it makes other people feel the same way as it did you. In regards to your bf, I think that, judging by his comments if he changed jobs that he would likely start smoking it again. I think that is at the heart of why you are upset. The two of you have different morals, and this can often be a big problem in relationships. Do you think that he has some addiction issues? Personally I think that being dependent on a substance to make you feel better or cope with your emotions or daily life is different from recreational use. Maybe the thing that really bothers you about your bf is that he did not really seem to care about school the way that you did. You seem to look down on him for not attending college, despite the fact that he has a successful career now. Yes I think that you are being unfair. It is unfair to judge someone for their past because they cannot change it. I would suspect that the big problem that you have with him is because he continues to talk and reminisce about it now. If this bothers you, you should just tell him that you don't like to hear it and that you hope that he does not start smoking it again. Whenever he brings it up, just tell him that you don't want to talk about it. If you think that he was or is likely addicted to pot, then maybe you should tell him that you are concerned that he talks about it so much and ask him if he thinks that he was addicted? Good luck.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
Ok, I am not anonymous, this is Janine22 but for some reason the site will not allow me to log in lately. Frustrating! Anyways, I felt the need to comment. I agree with BettyWayne, Kurniakasih, LicketySplit. I live in British Columbia, Canada and almost everyone I know smokes marijuana, at least occasionally. That includes my wonderful, energetic, 66 year old mom who works in an elementary school, her friends, nurses, engineers, professors, etc. Older people, younger people, athletic people, most people that I know smoke it at least once in awhile. I vaporize pot probably about once a week (less when I was in school or some weeks I don't feel like doing it). I personally take offense to the comment that you made saying that it is no surprise that your bf didn't do well in high school and did not attend college. At my University, there was pot activists smoking up and talking about legalization every week in plain view of everyone. My point is that many educated, intelligent individuals that contribute to society, hold down important jobs and attain higher levels of education with good grades may smoke marijuana occasionally or regularly. Just the same as the many people that regularly or occasionally drink. I am so flabbergasted that many people believe that pot is wrong or bad simply due to the fact that it is illegal. Seriously are you all sheep's? Do you also believe all of the other crap that the government feeds you or do you actually have the ability to think independently and educate yourself by reading accurate scientific information? -Have any of you looking down on those who smoke marijuana actually studied the disturbingly high rates of disease and deaths associated with drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes as compared with the comparatively low rate of health problems associated with marijuana? Ok, rant over for now. :) -By the way, I get irritated with the level of judgement of people that believe all of these stereotypes about individuals that smoke pot. Yet those same people regularly use or abuse alcohol or smoke cigarettes but look down on those who smoke pot? Can you say hypocritical? Sunshine 1980: You come across as very judgemental and condescending with an air of moral superiority. Perhaps that is why you ignited such a strong reaction in people. The reason that I responded is because yes, I felt judged by you. I would imagine that you make many people in your life feel this way. Also, I wanted you be more open minded about things instead of looking down on behaviour that you cannot relate to or understand. Marijuana effects people differently and just because you did not like the effects of it, does not mean that it makes other people feel the same way as it did you. In regards to your bf, I think that, judging by his comments if he changed jobs that he would likely start smoking it again. I think that is at the heart of why you are upset. The two of you have different morals, and this can often be a big problem in relationships. Do you think that he has some addiction issues? Personally I think that being dependent on a substance to make you feel better or cope with your emotions or daily life is different from recreational use. Maybe the thing that really bothers you about your bf is that he did not really seem to care about school the way that you did. You seem to look down on him for not attending college, despite the fact that he has a successful career now. Yes I think that you are being unfair. It is unfair to judge someone for their past because they cannot change it. I would suspect that the big problem that you have with him is because he continues to talk and reminisce about it now. If this bothers you, you should just tell him that you don't like to hear it and that you hope that he does not start smoking it again. Whenever he brings it up, just tell him that you don't want to talk about it. If you think that he was or is likely addicted to pot, then maybe you should tell him that you are concerned that he talks about it so much and ask him if he thinks that he was addicted? Good luck.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
My comments got deleted... hilarious. Which one of you flagged me? I've said much much worse than that and not been deleted. "Maybe it really boils down to the 2 sets of people that seem to exist…those that smoke pot and think its okay….and those that don’t smoke and don’t think its okay." No, there are more than two types of people. There are those who don't smoke it but think it's okay... one minute you claim to be that type of person, the next you claim there's no such thing as that person... and you think pot has dulled *my* ability to think clearly. "Ive tried pot---lets be honest. I didn’t like it, it scared me and I cant understand how someone would ENJOY feeling like that... Im against it---because it seems like such a time suck." "Ever notice those who have a glass of wine or who go out and have drinks don’t get like that with people who don’t drink??" Because people who don't drink UNDERSTAND why others choose to drink. They don't go around talking about how scary drinking is, saying they're against drinking and it's a 'time suck.' And if a non-drinker did go around talking like that, yes, I would say something about it. The main reason though, that I'm so *venomous* (really?), is that it annoys me when someone posts in group therapy and then pops up three times a day with these drawn out posts- addressing each comment individually- trying to prove a point. One minute you're sitting outside the counselor's office, the next minute you're queen of the debate team. It's obnoxious, and for your sake I hope it's a trait that doesn't carry over into your personal life.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
@ OP I understand the point your trying to make. My boyfriend likes a good cocktail or a nice glass of wine or two. He's a moderate drinker. He used to smoke weed on occasion too. I would be annoyed if every time he mentioned a great experience from his past somehow weed or alcohol had to be a part of the story. The two should not have to always be tied together, like he never had a great time unless he was stoned or drunk. Good luck with that because you two sound very different.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Whoa. For a bunch of stoners, ya'll can get pretty upset! ;) Although I don't partake of the weed, myself, I'm not always punctual...How can this be? I also had no idea so many of us were experts on firefighters. At least we all have that in common.
Sunshine1980 Sunshine1980 5 years
@ likethedirection: I havent met ANYONE like me yet. It always seems that people are lazy, not punctual---things don’t matter much to them etc. It really makes me start to think that there isnt someone out there because in all my years, I havent crossed paths with them yet. @ Anonymous: I asked because I thought maybe in talking about it he would shed some introspective light on it that it was something he did, and what he thinks about it now----but all it did was show more that it was a love affair and one which he misses very much. I asked early on to understand his thinking about it, its not something I do regularly…I think I may have asked some introspective questions 1 or 2 times since. As for laughing at some funny high stories….not so much. I don’t understand what is so funny about it, and so stories told that start with I was so high are just lost on me. I don’t buy into the boys will be boys crap. Yes I know they do an honorable thing-----but I think its funny that they find it entertaining that the hang out on the lazy boy watching TV>…and look down and say how stupid people who work in an office are because they have to look busy and cant nap if they’re tired…. I guess I take being in reality quiet seriously….and being responsible….and seeing that its ILLEGAL…..would outweigh the fun that it could be----plus I don’t find it fun…..the times I did it, it wasn’t fun----just like being drunk isnt fun….I don’t understand that either.
likethedirection likethedirection 5 years
Sunshine!! There ARE people out there like you...punctual, take things seriously, effort, etc. My fiance is a perfect example. Even my exes were great with those things too. There ARE guys out there that share your EXACT feelings on this issue. You just have to keep looking for them. Don't settle!
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
So now smoking pot is immoral? Tre' hash. I agree with the above post of you being "buzz kill". This thread is actually making me laugh. Here I am, married mom of 3 and I'm the one with the relaxed attitude on pot. You kids today :foggy:
Sunshine1980 Sunshine1980 5 years
The comment about his parents is how can you have a child living in your home, and not know that they’re getting high most of the time----sometimes IN your home. It’s a harsh stench…how can you not smell it?....or know that you’re kid is stoned, no one can hide it THAT well especially when 15 or 16 years old. So yeah, part of how I feel comes from the fact that his family didn’t notice, or knew and didn’t take any action to STOP it. That to me also indicates why he approaches things as he does, and how he possibly might be as a parent himself. As for the ice cream example----I guess I pay attention to when something Im talking about upsets another person or irritates them and if I thought it was, or they told me it bothered them, Id keep quiet about it. I have told him how much it bugs me…..he just keeps doing it. @REDLEATE: EXACTLY!! Appropriate choices---will power…..he doesn’t look back on his pot use and see it was a waste of time, or he could have done something better with his time----he sees it as something that he should still be doing and wishes he was….telling me that he hasn’t ‘grown out of it’ and still sees it as something that he should be doing---- @postmodernsleaze: the irresponsible firemen feeling comes from knowing many over the years and knowing how they act in and out of the firehouse, and how yes they are good in an emergency, but the ones that I knew spent more time goofing off and acting like they were still in high school than actually working----they laugh at how much time they have off, and how when at work they’re paid to sleep when on an overnight….or to sit in the lazy boys and watch tv….all while being paid with taxpayers money. @lauraxtc: I don’t hate on peoples good times. We all had them…and yes I spent most of my time working hard and making appropriate choices to get to where I wanted. That doesn’t mean that someone else shouldn’t enjoy if they were able to. I guess I look at his life and how he barely graduated high school, and didn’t go to college as his lacking the desire to do those things for himself----and those were things that I wanted and made sure happened for me. Maybe as it has been pointed out its about morals and common ground. But my harder issue, is I don’t think that there is someone out there like me----that is punctual and takes things seriously and puts in the effort as I do. That isnt tooting my own horn, its that really I havent met someone like that yet….at least not a guy. So I don’t know that someone is out there similar enough that I could have enough common ground with them to make something work….how horrible is that?
Pistil Pistil 5 years
Wow. Some of you need to chill. out. I can't even be bothered to read all this... so my initial impression is that this isn't really about the pot, your personalities just clash. You need some kind of common ground in a relationship; to be able to carry on a conversation. Why bother otherwise?
lauraxtc lauraxtc 5 years
I think you are just hating on his good times. You had to work had for what you wanted and he didn't so much, Sadly. That happens. Good for you, that you stayed away from it and worked hard for what you wanted. He didn't have to. If it bothers you so much I don't think you could be with him. My bf also smokes and I don't. I use to, plenty of times, but I out grew it. Every now and then I think about the good times I had though with my friends. And that Is OK. My bf smoking is ok with me. He works hard and if coming home and smoking a joint helps him unwind then kool. Why not? Anyway, your bf isn't even smoking anymore, so get over it and be thankful you have a good guy with you. And if he isn't a good guy, then what are you doing with him anyway??
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