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Will Boyfriend's Friends Talk Him Out of Marriage?

Group Therapy: I'm Afraid My Boyfriend Will Be Talked Out of Marriage

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend is going to a bachelor party in a few months. I can't help but think that when a bunch of guys get together for these things, they're celebrating the "end of freedom." My boyfriend told me when we first started dating that he wants to wait a while to get married (as in, 4 years). I think part of this is due to the fact that he was engaged, and was hurt very badly by that ex. I'm hoping that because he's now over that hurt and we are more serious, that he will consider proposing to me sooner than 3 years from now. Still, anytime I tell him one of my friends is getting married, he says "blech, why?" Do you think what guys say to each other about marriage being "death" for a man really affects their views on it?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
The question you have to ask yourself is this: Do you want marriage OR a relationship with him? Because, clearly, you will not get both.He has been clear about how he feels. If he wanted to marry YOU, he wouldn't say blech to your face when he hears the word marriage. Only you can decide how much of your life you want to waste sitting around hoping that he will "change his mind". Women that want to marry men like this have the inaccurate belief that if they hang in there long enough, they will be eventually be rewarded for their years of effort with a ring.....this rarely happens, and if it does, the relationships don't usually last, because it is not what the guy truly desires. The man you marry should want to run down the aisle to have you before anyone else can get you. This is not your guy.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
The question you have to ask yourself is this: Do you want marriage OR a relationship with him? Because, clearly, you will not get both. He has been clear about how he feels. If he wanted to marry YOU, he wouldn't say blech to your face when he hears the word marriage. Only you can decide how much of your life you want to waste sitting around hoping that he will "change his mind". Women that want to marry men like this have the inaccurate belief that if they hang in there long enough, they will be eventually be rewarded for their years of effort with a ring.....this rarely happens, and if it does, the relationships don't usually last, because it is not what the guy truly desires. The man you marry should want to run down the aisle to have you before anyone else can get you. This is not your guy.
lickety-split lickety-split 4 years
You're spinning your wheels. If marriage is what you want; move along. How much more clear can he be? As far as the reason for his position; who cares. You aren't his therapist, you're his gf. Suggest you eiher accept that marriage isn't going to happen, or break up. In your best case senerio you will wait 4 years to get where you want. That's a pretty big investment of time. Maybe tell him that as great as he is, you see your future differently. You're entitled to go after what you want. If it's marriage be realistic.
lickety-split lickety-split 4 years
You're spinning your wheels. If marriage is what you want; move along. How much more clear can he be? As far as the reason for his position; who cares. You aren't his therapist, you're his gf. Suggest you eiher accept that marriage isn't going to happen, or break up. In your best case senerio you will wait 4 years to get where you want. That's a pretty big investment of time. Maybe tell him that as great as he is, you see your future differently. You're entitled to go after what you want. If it's marriage be realistic.
colouryourself colouryourself 4 years
i think it is important that you let him know that being married is not an option for you. But that you are not requiring it now, but that in the future, you do need it. When he makes those comments about being married it scares you. And that if he never wants to be married he should tell you. Be open about how important it is to you and require that he is open with you about how he is feeling. If he indicates that right now he doesn't see marriage in his future, he most likely will not change. and then you have to decide if that is okay with you.Good luck
colouryourself colouryourself 4 years
i think it is important that you let him know that being married is not an option for you. But that you are not requiring it now, but that in the future, you do need it. When he makes those comments about being married it scares you. And that if he never wants to be married he should tell you. Be open about how important it is to you and require that he is open with you about how he is feeling. If he indicates that right now he doesn't see marriage in his future, he most likely will not change. and then you have to decide if that is okay with you. Good luck
HelloAnia HelloAnia 4 years
It seems as though someone is in a rush to the altar. I would suggest to just enjoy each other's company in the present. Why does it matter what your formal title is as a couple, whether it is boyfriend&girlfriend or husband&wife? This is why the divorce rate has been so high, because people put time constraints and pressure on things that are not so simple such as feelings and emotions such as love. Enjoy the present with him, you know, there isn't a rule against the woman proposing either, since you feel so strongly about spending the rest of your life with him.
Pistil Pistil 4 years
A lot of people wait more than a year of dating to get engaged. I know a few people in 2-4 year relationships, myself included, who aren't engaged yet. Marriage might be in the future, but just not yet. No hurry. Most guys don't really get suckered into marriage. Some of them actually enter it willing. One of his friends is. If anything his friend might even inspire him to follow suit.
Pistil Pistil 4 years
A lot of people wait more than a year of dating to get engaged. I know a few people in 2-4 year relationships, myself included, who aren't engaged yet. Marriage might be in the future, but just not yet. No hurry. Most guys don't really get suckered into marriage. Some of them actually enter it willing. One of his friends is. If anything his friend might even inspire him to follow suit.
searching-soul searching-soul 4 years
If he's pro-marriage a bachelor party can't talk him out of it. Right now he is telling you flat out that he has no interest in getting married, at least not now. You have to decide for yourself if this is a deal breaker. It could be a matter of timing, you guys have only been together for about a year if I read your post correctly. If you both are relatively young, what's the rush? Let things happen organically and enjoy your relationship. So many women push for marriage early on and they forget to ENJOY their relationships.Enjoy and see if YOU actually want to be married to this person. Remember you? It does not mean that somewhere down the line, maybe six months from now, that you can't revisit the topic. It has not even been two years. All is not lost. He may ultimately feel that he can't see his life without you in it, if you give it some time. Focus on being the loving, fun, great gal he fell for. I know you want an answer now but guys hate a nag.
searching-soul searching-soul 4 years
If he's pro-marriage a bachelor party can't talk him out of it. Right now he is telling you flat out that he has no interest in getting married, at least not now. You have to decide for yourself if this is a deal breaker. It could be a matter of timing, you guys have only been together for about a year if I read your post correctly. If you both are relatively young, what's the rush? Let things happen organically and enjoy your relationship. So many women push for marriage early on and they forget to ENJOY their relationships.Enjoy and see if YOU actually want to be married to this person. Remember you? It does not mean that somewhere down the line, maybe six months from now, that you can't revisit the topic. It has not even been two years. All is not lost. He may ultimately feel that he can't see his life without you in it, if you give it some time. Focus on being the loving, fun, great gal he fell for. I know you want an answer now but guys hate a nag.
njau njau 4 years
I know the advice from above sounds harsh from one perspective but they all are very true. Take it from me, I was in a relationship for 3 years and basically same thing as you, he'd always down talk marriage and say he won't want to get married for years and years. THe relationship stopped for several other reasons. Fast forward to now, I"m happy in a new relationship, the ex is as well. Him and I did chat a little while ago after I had just gotten engaged. He has now been with this new girl for about 3 years, she is pushing him for marriage and he is still like "no, not yet, not ready yet". A guy will know when he is ready there is no switch. You definately need to think about whether or not you really want marriage in your future (with or with out him), if you are willing to wait for something that may never come from this man, and just like above, a bachelor party is not going to change his view on things whether it be pro-wedding or not.
njau njau 4 years
I know the advice from above sounds harsh from one perspective but they all are very true. Take it from me, I was in a relationship for 3 years and basically same thing as you, he'd always down talk marriage and say he won't want to get married for years and years. THe relationship stopped for several other reasons. Fast forward to now, I"m happy in a new relationship, the ex is as well. Him and I did chat a little while ago after I had just gotten engaged. He has now been with this new girl for about 3 years, she is pushing him for marriage and he is still like "no, not yet, not ready yet". A guy will know when he is ready there is no switch.You definately need to think about whether or not you really want marriage in your future (with or with out him), if you are willing to wait for something that may never come from this man, and just like above, a bachelor party is not going to change his view on things whether it be pro-wedding or not.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 4 years
At least your boyfriend is being honest with you. He's not making you believe that he wants to marry you just to keep you around. He's being honest : if he ever gets married, it'll be in a long time. It's now your choice to accept this and stay with him, or move on.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 4 years
"Still, anytime I tell him one of my friends is getting married, he says "blech, why?" " .. He sounds pretty convinced he doesn't want to get married. I don't think anyone can really be talked "into" our "out of" marriage - it's a personal choice. You might be waiting for awhile; my guess would be longer than 4 years from the sounds of it. Is he worth waiting for is what you must ask yourself.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 4 years
"Still, anytime I tell him one of my friends is getting married, he says "blech, why?" " .. He sounds pretty convinced he doesn't want to get married. I don't think anyone can really be talked "into" our "out of" marriage - it's a personal choice. You might be waiting for awhile; my guess would be longer than 4 years from the sounds of it. Is he worth waiting for is what you must ask yourself.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
The woman who hurt your boyfriend is much more to blame for his feelings on marriage than his buddies are. (And I'm sure he made several mistakes that pushed her away. So it's not like she was evil or anything.) His upbringing probably has something to do with it too. A mere bachelor party is not going to tip him over into one camp or another. At the same time, when a guy KNOWS he wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman, he just does it. Being consistent with previous statements doesn't matter. The problem for you is that this realization happens deep inside him, in a place you can't get at or influence. You can't help him with it. Just live your life as if he'll never propose. Do whatever you'd do if you knew that about him for sure. If it means sticking around and enjoying his company for what it is, fine. If it means moving to another country and making yourself over as an entirely new and different creature, brava to that too.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
The woman who hurt your boyfriend is much more to blame for his feelings on marriage than his buddies are. (And I'm sure he made several mistakes that pushed her away. So it's not like she was evil or anything.) His upbringing probably has something to do with it too. A mere bachelor party is not going to tip him over into one camp or another.At the same time, when a guy KNOWS he wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman, he just does it. Being consistent with previous statements doesn't matter. The problem for you is that this realization happens deep inside him, in a place you can't get at or influence. You can't help him with it.Just live your life as if he'll never propose. Do whatever you'd do if you knew that about him for sure. If it means sticking around and enjoying his company for what it is, fine. If it means moving to another country and making yourself over as an entirely new and different creature, brava to that too.
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