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Boyfriend Has a Bad Mouth

Group Therapy: I Love Him, but Not His Mouth So Much


This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

 

Ladies,

Do any of you have great boyfriends/husbands who are supportive in many ways, but at times has diarrhea of the mouth? Sorry for the gross analogy but I'm being serious here. My boyfriend is wonderful in a lot of ways, and there is no doubt that he loves me due to all he's done for me and how supportive he is. The problem is his mouth. Sometimes he speaks without thinking, and I'm flabbergasted as to what comes out of his mouth. Then he regrets saying it when he sees it was insensitive or hurtful, and I'm like if he just thought about what he was saying before he said it a lot of conflict would be avoided. I don't want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me but I want him to be a bit more sensitive and aware of what he's saying. Any suggestions?

I would love to hear your stories. FYI — He's not socially inept, most people comment on how nice he is. He's just a little too blunt sometimes with the jokes or comments toward me (when we're one on one, not around other people). He does compliment me too. At times he turns around and ruins it by saying something uncalled for. Thanks for your feedback. Please let's keep it light and positive. I just want to know if some of you can relate and if it's a guy thing in general because they relate to each other in such a raw way.


Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

 

 

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soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
Isn't it amazing that he can control his mouth around everyone but you? You know what that says? That he can control what he says to you but he won't. He's being disrespectful and vulgar and doesn't care how it makes you feel. Tell him that he is capable of controlling his mouth with you just like with everyone else and if he doesn't then show that you won't stand for it. Because you may not realize it but this is verbal abuse, which can escalate in a matter of time to physical abuse and hurt you both mentally and physically.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
Whether you call it honest or blunt, doesn't matter.....it hurts you. Getting upset obviously isn't changing the situation. You have 3 options: 1) Deal with it 2) Sit him down for a heart to heart and see if that helps, or my preference 3) Give it back to him. Sometimes guys are really dense and only understand things when they happen to them . So, next time he insults you, make a "blunt' or "honest" comment about his driving ability, his receding hairline, or his spare tire, and see how he likes it. It make take that 2 x 4 across the head to get him to understand. I am not a big believer in the whole "he's just a clueless guy" argument. if he is aware that he is hurting you, and if he cares enough, he can work on his "filter".
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
Whether you call it honest or blunt, doesn't matter.....it hurts you. Getting upset obviously isn't changing the situation. You have 3 options: 1) Deal with it 2) Sit him down for a heart to heart and see if that helps, or my preference 3) Give it back to him. Sometimes guys are really dense and only understand things when they happen to them . So, next time he insults you, make a "blunt' or "honest" comment about his driving ability, his receding hairline, or his spare tire, and see how he likes it. It make take that 2 x 4 across the head to get him to understand. I am not a big believer in the whole "he's just a clueless guy" argument. if he is aware that he is hurting you, and if he cares enough, he can work on his "filter".
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
There's a difference between being honest and being mean. Not every situation calls for someone's every thought to be said out loud. If he's insulting your appearance, your intelligence, your self (anything like that) then he's an asshole. End of story. I don't care if he's blunt. He's a blunt asshole. If he's saying mean things about other people then it's up to you to decide if it bothers you.If he gives you more hurt then happiness he's not for you. A guy who truly loves you won't feel like he's walking on eggshells around you-he just honestly will not want to say something cruel Honesty is not always necessary. Especially when it wasn't sought out.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
There's a difference between being honest and being mean. Not every situation calls for someone's every thought to be said out loud. If he's insulting your appearance, your intelligence, your self (anything like that) then he's an asshole. End of story. I don't care if he's blunt. He's a blunt asshole. If he's saying mean things about other people then it's up to you to decide if it bothers you. If he gives you more hurt then happiness he's not for you. A guy who truly loves you won't feel like he's walking on eggshells around you-he just honestly will not want to say something cruel Honesty is not always necessary. Especially when it wasn't sought out.
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 5 years
You didn't specify whether his comments are abusive or not. For what it's worth, being blunt isn't necessarily bad. We all say things that might be offensive sometimes...including me, and I tend to be very careful of what I say.Have you considered telling him how you feel? I'm sure he doesn't mean to be hurtful or insensitive but you should still talk to him about it. My husband is pretty blunt. He has said things that are very insensitive but I know that he would never intentionally hurt me. With your boyfriend, I believe that it is the intent behind the words that really matters.If you know that he is not trying to belittle you or put you down in any way, you should learn to accept that this is simply part of who he is. As long as he is not being overly critical or hostile or cruel or abusive, you can simply see his behavior for what it is...he doesn't think before speaking. Not the best way to move through life, but it could be a lot worse.No one in this world is perfect. We all have flaws and this happens to be one of his. I'm sure it's annoying, but a bit of tolerance and a sense of humor can make this problem easier to deal with.
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 5 years
You didn't specify whether his comments are abusive or not. For what it's worth, being blunt isn't necessarily bad. We all say things that might be offensive sometimes...including me, and I tend to be very careful of what I say. Have you considered telling him how you feel? I'm sure he doesn't mean to be hurtful or insensitive but you should still talk to him about it. My husband is pretty blunt. He has said things that are very insensitive but I know that he would never intentionally hurt me. With your boyfriend, I believe that it is the intent behind the words that really matters. If you know that he is not trying to belittle you or put you down in any way, you should learn to accept that this is simply part of who he is. As long as he is not being overly critical or hostile or cruel or abusive, you can simply see his behavior for what it is...he doesn't think before speaking. Not the best way to move through life, but it could be a lot worse. No one in this world is perfect. We all have flaws and this happens to be one of his. I'm sure it's annoying, but a bit of tolerance and a sense of humor can make this problem easier to deal with.
karlotta karlotta 5 years
My boyfriend is the same. I used to get hurt, but I've come to understand he's just very honest, and it's quite refreshing somehow. I've lowered my sensitivity levels with time and it doesn't bug me anymore - it's just who he is, and as long as I hear "you're so beautiful" more than I hear "what's that? a fat roll?" then I'm fine with it :D
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I don't think it's a guy thing. I think it's an emotion management thing. Some people think they aren't responsible for what they say when they're upset. It's just "blowing off steam." But the steam hurts if you're the one it's blown onto! If he really believes what he's doing is normal, it'll be hard for you to convince him otherwise. But it's worth trying. If demonstrating a basic level of respect at all times feels like walking on eggshells to him, I say too bad for him.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I don't think it's a guy thing. I think it's an emotion management thing. Some people think they aren't responsible for what they say when they're upset. It's just "blowing off steam." But the steam hurts if you're the one it's blown onto! If he really believes what he's doing is normal, it'll be hard for you to convince him otherwise. But it's worth trying. If demonstrating a basic level of respect at all times feels like walking on eggshells to him, I say too bad for him.
lury313 lury313 5 years
I'm in your same situation. I know that my boyfriend loves me because he does a lot of things for me but the problem is that from time to time, he does comments of other girls or of my clothes and I'm tired of that type of comments because when I get angry and I tell him why, he says that I always get anoid and that it was only a woke and when he says that, I get more anoid!
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
His bluntness is probably a natural part of his personality. He's probably always been like that. How much does it bother you? Do the positive things about him outweigh his thoughtless comments? When we're in a relationship, I think we all make stupid, hurtful remarks at one time or another. It's human nature. But if this guy is doing it enough to hurt your feelings, you two need to sit down and figure out how to handle it.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
Do you think he recognizes what he's saying is hurtful, but blurts it out anyway? Or is it like a slip of the tongue/in hindsight that was a dumb thing to say? Like, spiteful vs thoughtless. Either way, all you can do is ask him to communicate in a more effective manner... Wait 5-10 seconds before responding; say it to yourself before saying it out loud; if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything. Does he apologize? Regret is at least some form of acknowledgment that he needs to think before he speaks, which is a start. I don't know if it's a guy thing, more just a personality/self-control thing.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
Do you think he recognizes what he's saying is hurtful, but blurts it out anyway? Or is it like a slip of the tongue/in hindsight that was a dumb thing to say? Like, spiteful vs thoughtless.Either way, all you can do is ask him to communicate in a more effective manner... Wait 5-10 seconds before responding; say it to yourself before saying it out loud; if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything. Does he apologize? Regret is at least some form of acknowledgment that he needs to think before he speaks, which is a start.I don't know if it's a guy thing, more just a personality/self-control thing.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
He needs to start giving 'full' apologies. Are you ready to teach him how to give 'full' apologies? (I have lots of ideas on how to do this.)
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