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Boyfriend Has Three Kids

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Has Three Kids

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So, I met my boyfriend at work and we have been dating for almost nine months now. I knew walking into the situation everything about him. He got married when he was 19 and had three kids with his wife. She cheated and they are now in the process of getting a divorce. They aren't legally divorced yet because it seems the process takes forever, but that is over — 100 percent. I haven't met his kids yet because we wanted the timing to be right. They're 5, 6, and 8. Also, when he was married they decided they didn't want any more kids together so he had a vasectomy. We have talked about it many times and he said he's 110 percent willing to get a reversal and try and have kids with me if I want them, which is something I really want. I have always wanted kids and I'm scared the reversal wouldn't work. 

Aside from all of that, I love him so much. I can't imagine being without him. A little over a year ago I got out of an eight year relationship and I feel more sad thinking about this coming to an end than I did with the other guy. We're both 28 and going to school, still living at home. His ex has the kids and he has them whenever he can take them. We are both working two jobs to pay our own separate bills and I'm worried that we won't really have the money anytime soon to get a reversal (I'm only saying that because the sooner you do it the better the odds, not because I want one right now). We've talked about marriage and I can really see myself being happy with this man, I really do love him a lot. Another side note . . . it's been really hard because I know my family and friends don't really approve and they're always asking me what I'm doing and blah blah . . . and I know they're just keeping my best interests in mind, but it really hurts my feelings.  I really do like him as a person but know that I could do better. I know that I could, but that doesn't mean I want to.

I just feel so torn on what I should do. We were talking about it the other day and he thinks I really need to take it in the gravity of the situation, that I may never be able to have kids with him and could I still be happy with him if I couldn't?  I think I could, there's always adoption and other options available.  But then I think, there's so many other men out there, ones who are already established in their lives, with good jobs, and no kids that I could possibly be happy with, too . . . I just really need some unbiased advice because it's so hard to talk to anyone I know because I know what they're going to tell me.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
What a tough one. I think you should meet his kids, but NOT as the girlfriend. I understand the whole "right timing" thing but there's no reason daddy can't introduce his kids to a "friend" of his. Maybe meeting them will help you figure out if you're ready for that big of a commitment. As for the vasectomy... how mush longer will you two be in school? I think that's something you should deprioritize money-wise. I think you should both graduate, get semi-established in your carers and THEN set a date and get a ring on your finger before you drop money on having him unsnipped. The part that really stood out to me was, "They really do like him as a person but know that I could do better. I know that I could, but that doesn't mean I want to." You mean, better financially? Listen $$$ is something you should always consider before marrying, but love is more important. Life with this guy might mean more family movie & pizza nights in, and less romantic couples trips to Maui. If you truly love this guy and that's something you're okay with, your family will just have to learn to respect your decision.
tigr3bianca tigr3bianca 4 years
I find it odd that you haven't met his kids yet, but you are already thinking about having kids with him. Combining families takes a lot of work and time. I suggest you move on or become content with the fact that 3 kids maybe enough for him and you. Those children may not be "yours" but they are his and if you're in his life, they become your kids too. Also, considering that you are working 2 jobs, it doesn't sound like you are financially stable enough to bring a child into the world.
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
The pathetic thing does sound harsh. I meant it more from the mental state where she admits she is settling a bit with this guy. Like, don't think your life is so pathetic that you have to nab the first guy that's interested in you, and he comes with a bunch of deal breakers.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
jen in her defense... she's not acting like her life is pathetic, she legitimately cares about this guy and she's asking for advice.
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
There are so many jacked up things going on with this post the short advice I have is to move on. It's not worth the multiple hassles there are going on here, and your not totally into this guy anyway. You admit it in your post. Get honest with yourself and stop acting like your life is so pathetic this is the only guy out there so your just setteling. You deserve better than a co-worker with a brood of children without the ink even dry on a divorce who is broke etc.
mrscharles-2007 mrscharles-2007 4 years
If you love him like you say you do, you wouldn't be thinking that you could do better. The fact that you feel that way probably means that something is lacking that you are looking for. While having kids is definitely important, there's a chance that you could meet someone else, get married, and find out that he's not able to have kids either. Children are not guaranteed to anyone, but there seems to be something lacking in this relationship.
BrownEyedBabe BrownEyedBabe 4 years
I don't really have any advice bc I'm in sort of the same situation. I can only sympathize with you. I knew from our first date that my boyfriend has two kids with two different women. He's sweet, smart, thoughtful, caring, helps me out around the house, everything I could ever ask for...except for those kids. Right now I can't even see them because it's just a slap in the face that he's already experienced parenthood with two other women and that because of them we probably can't afford a child of our own. I have thought the same thing as you, "are there other men out there with good jobs and no children" but I remember all the great qualities about him and tell myself that we'll figure it out and make it work. If you truly love him, you guys will figure out a way to make it work. Have you talked to him about this? If not, you guys need to have a serious talk. When you say you know you could do better that makes it sound like you're settling. If that's the case, you need to move on.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
What a tough one. I think you should meet his kids, but NOT as the girlfriend. I understand the whole "right timing" thing but there's no reason daddy can't introduce his kids to a "friend" of his. Maybe meeting them will help you figure out if you're ready for that big of a commitment. As for the vasectomy... how mush longer will you two be in school? I think that's something you should deprioritize money-wise. I think you should both graduate, get semi-established in your carers and THEN set a date and get a ring on your finger before you drop money on having him unsnipped. The part that really stood out to me was, "They really do like him as a person but know that I could do better. I know that I could, but that doesn't mean I want to." You mean, better financially? Listen $$$ is something you should always consider before marrying, but love is more important. Life with this guy might mean more family movie & pizza nights in, and less romantic couples trips to Maui. If you truly love this guy and that's something you're okay with, your family will just have to learn to respect your decision.
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