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Boyfriend Jealous of Guy Friend

Group Therapy: Boyfriend Says It's Him or My Best Guy Friend

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year. At first things were great, but six months into our relationship I’ve noticed that he was starting to get jealous of my best friend (he is a guy). I have reassured him that there is nothing between my friend and me, and that there is nothing to worry about.

To make the long story short, the other day he said he didn’t want me to see my friend again and stormed out. We haven’t spoken since. This has made me reevaluate our relationship. Do I really want to be with a guy who can’t trust me? The relationship I have with my friend is a brother-sister relationship. I can assure you he has no reason to be jealous of my friend.

While I understand having your girlfriend be so close to someone of the other sex can be intimidating, I have done my best to make sure he feels sure about our relationship and about my commitment to him. I can’t help but think that this is more about him not trusting me than my friend. Am I wrong to think this?

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Lenay Lenay 5 years
Umm, watch the movie "Just Friends" starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart. It might give you a fresh perspective.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 5 years
You're definitely not wrong for thinking it but that doesn't mean you wouldn't do the same thing if his bff was a female. I'd think about what you would do in that situation. I'm not saying what your bf did was right or that you shouldn't be pissed off about it but really, what would you do? If it were me I'd try to get my bf and my bff to spend time together, not spend time alone with my bff (always in a group setting or with your bffs girlfriend if he has one). If your bf will not give in when you calmly talk about the situation and make compromises you have to decide if he's more important than your bff to you. Hope that helps.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
When I first found out that my current boyfriend had a bunch of girls who were just friends, I was a little weirded out by it. But then I met the girls and 90% of them were totally friendly, nice and cool. In short, meeting them assured me that these girls were in fact just friends, and good friends at that. There were two girls who I could tell had bad intentions (not close friends, girls he dated briefly a bit before we met) and I asked my boyfriend to stop talking to them. I'm not controlling but those two were bad news. I agree that if your best friend has been welcoming to this guy, and if it really is a "just friends" situation, then your boyfriend is overreacting and controlling. But, if there's something else going on, maybe a long standing flirtation or maybe they are both jealous of eachother, then it's really on you and not his fault.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
When I first found out that my current boyfriend had a bunch of girls who were just friends, I was a little weirded out by it. But then I met the girls and 90% of them were totally friendly, nice and cool. In short, meeting them assured me that these girls were in fact just friends, and good friends at that. There were two girls who I could tell had bad intentions (not close friends, girls he dated briefly a bit before we met) and I asked my boyfriend to stop talking to them. I'm not controlling but those two were bad news. I agree that if your best friend has been welcoming to this guy, and if it really is a "just friends" situation, then your boyfriend is overreacting and controlling. But, if there's something else going on, maybe a long standing flirtation or maybe they are both jealous of eachother, then it's really on you and not his fault.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
As Joe said, I wouldn't really dig this if I was in your boyfriend's position. However, since this is your best friend, you may have to cut your losses and say Tata to your boyfriend. It's odd that it took 6 months for your boyfriend to flip about this. Either a) you are doing something disrespectful (in his opinion) to make his worry or b) he's been playing it "cool" till now to see where your relationship is going. Regardless, if you are just going to begrudge your boyfriend, this won't work
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
As Joe said, I wouldn't really dig this if I was in your boyfriend's position. However, since this is your best friend, you may have to cut your losses and say Tata to your boyfriend. It's odd that it took 6 months for your boyfriend to flip about this. Either a) you are doing something disrespectful (in his opinion) to make his worry or b) he's been playing it "cool" till now to see where your relationship is going. Regardless, if you are just going to begrudge your boyfriend, this won't work
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Your guy is out of line in trying to forbid you to see anyone. But if you wanted to, you could influence the situation to make things easier. It simply involves showing your boyfriend preference over your friend. And that's different than just reassuring with words. When there are two guys and one girl in a situation, the guys can't help but compete for the girl's attention. It's instinctive, not personal. Whichever guy gets the most attention, wins. When you're in a committed relationship, the boyfriend needs to win most of the time. Otherwise the situation gets confused. You set the hierarchy. (I find it kind of empowering.) Just put bf first. So for example, don't announce that you're getting together with your friend this weekend. Instead, ask the bf first if he wanted to do something at that time. If you enter a room with both men, smile at and go to your boyfriend first. Answer your boyfriend's calls (to a reasonable and polite extent) when you're with your friend and aren't in the middle of something. Little things like that. If you're already doing all the above and it still isn't enough, then yeah, bf has problems and you should drop him. Also, if you find you enjoy being around your friend more than your boyfriend, that should tell you something important.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Your guy is out of line in trying to forbid you to see anyone. But if you wanted to, you could influence the situation to make things easier. It simply involves showing your boyfriend preference over your friend. And that's different than just reassuring with words.When there are two guys and one girl in a situation, the guys can't help but compete for the girl's attention. It's instinctive, not personal. Whichever guy gets the most attention, wins. When you're in a committed relationship, the boyfriend needs to win most of the time. Otherwise the situation gets confused. You set the hierarchy. (I find it kind of empowering.)Just put bf first. So for example, don't announce that you're getting together with your friend this weekend. Instead, ask the bf first if he wanted to do something at that time. If you enter a room with both men, smile at and go to your boyfriend first. Answer your boyfriend's calls (to a reasonable and polite extent) when you're with your friend and aren't in the middle of something. Little things like that.If you're already doing all the above and it still isn't enough, then yeah, bf has problems and you should drop him. Also, if you find you enjoy being around your friend more than your boyfriend, that should tell you something important.
JennyJK JennyJK 5 years
I do not think it is at ALL out of line for your boyfriend to have a problem with your best friend being a guy, and I also do not think he is acting this way because he is a guy. He is being realistic. I am assuming you spend lots of time with your best friend and you probably talk to your boyfriend about the other guy a lot more than you realize. You've been going out with this guy for a year and at this point it's not usual for many couples to feel like they are each other's "best friend" (not always spoken and held out as such, but the close feeling nonetheless). I would talk to him about this again and really evaluate how you are holding out this best friend to your boyfriend. It's likely he is just questioning the future for you two, because it may seem to him that you already have a man in a role he would primarily fulfill. You probably haven't done anything to make him jealous, but guys also need to feel needed. If you really do want to keep him around maybe try to point out the things that only HE does for you and the way you love only HIM. I honestly don't see his behavior as a red flag or dealbreaker at all, I think it's normal and he cares about you.
JennyJK JennyJK 5 years
I do not think it is at ALL out of line for your boyfriend to have a problem with your best friend being a guy, and I also do not think he is acting this way because he is a guy. He is being realistic. I am assuming you spend lots of time with your best friend and you probably talk to your boyfriend about the other guy a lot more than you realize. You've been going out with this guy for a year and at this point it's not usual for many couples to feel like they are each other's "best friend" (not always spoken and held out as such, but the close feeling nonetheless). I would talk to him about this again and really evaluate how you are holding out this best friend to your boyfriend. It's likely he is just questioning the future for you two, because it may seem to him that you already have a man in a role he would primarily fulfill. You probably haven't done anything to make him jealous, but guys also need to feel needed. If you really do want to keep him around maybe try to point out the things that only HE does for you and the way you love only HIM. I honestly don't see his behavior as a red flag or dealbreaker at all, I think it's normal and he cares about you.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
Be stormed out You haven't spoken since Doesn't that mean it's already over? And after 6 months of this (half the time you were together) haven't you had enough?
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
Be stormed outYou haven't spoken sinceDoesn't that mean it's already over?And after 6 months of this (half the time you were together) haven't you had enough?
LaProfesora LaProfesora 5 years
I see what the guys who have posted are saying, that it is a "guy thing" and that it is difficult for them to share your attention and intimacy with another guy, because being best friends does allow some form of intimacy. But as a woman, and one who has many guys friends, I dont think its an excuse. I have male friends who I went through medical school with - who are to this day closer than family - and if my bf asked me to choose, it would not be him. But that's me, I just would never give up my friends, who came before him, for something I know I am not doing wrong. How fair is that to your friend, and really what would that say about next time he has an issue with someone else in your life? It's a little worrisome, and I would talk at length about this, because if it is a control issue, it is a really steep step into isolation. But if it's just this one issue, there are many things you need to consider - for one, could you forgive yourself and him, if you do drop your friend? Would you resent him later? Would you not miss the friend, and then what? Sneak around and see him? See, its a rule of thumb for me, never drop friends for guys.
LaProfesora LaProfesora 5 years
I see what the guys who have posted are saying, that it is a "guy thing" and that it is difficult for them to share your attention and intimacy with another guy, because being best friends does allow some form of intimacy. But as a woman, and one who has many guys friends, I dont think its an excuse. I have male friends who I went through medical school with - who are to this day closer than family - and if my bf asked me to choose, it would not be him. But that's me, I just would never give up my friends, who came before him, for something I know I am not doing wrong. How fair is that to your friend, and really what would that say about next time he has an issue with someone else in your life?It's a little worrisome, and I would talk at length about this, because if it is a control issue, it is a really steep step into isolation. But if it's just this one issue, there are many things you need to consider - for one, could you forgive yourself and him, if you do drop your friend? Would you resent him later? Would you not miss the friend, and then what? Sneak around and see him? See, its a rule of thumb for me, never drop friends for guys.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Alright ladies, let me tell you how it is from the male perspective. This guy is NOT out of line. Not at all. And I will explain why.First, an example to clarify my stance - let's say I'm dating someone who has a sister. The sister doesn't need to be a supermodel or Ms. USA, she could be only moderately attractive... it actually almost doesn't matter. It doesn't matter for one simple reason - she's forbidden. She's off-limits. She's untouchable.That automatically makes her hot/desirable. Guys think about stuff like this - and a lot of them are looking for the right opportunity. Yes, they're using the brain between their legs, but that's how it is. That's how men are wired, especially for most men under 25.So, to the OP, your BF is right to have a problem with your best friend situation Oh man, any guy would. From your best friend's perspective, you are forbidden... and both he and your boyfriend know it.Before you start going on about trusting each other and all that, let me head you off at the pass. Trust doesn't matter - this is not about trusting him or him trusting you. Even the most solid relationships have broken in the face of temptation. This is about a situation he has every right to feel uncomfortable about.Put yourself in his shoes. What if he spent a lot of free time with a girl best friend, who is sexually compatible/available? Even if you trusted him 100%, you'd have the same concern and you'd feel justified in having them.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Alright ladies, let me tell you how it is from the male perspective. This guy is NOT out of line. Not at all. And I will explain why. First, an example to clarify my stance - let's say I'm dating someone who has a sister. The sister doesn't need to be a supermodel or Ms. USA, she could be only moderately attractive... it actually almost doesn't matter. It doesn't matter for one simple reason - she's forbidden. She's off-limits. She's untouchable. That automatically makes her hot/desirable. Guys think about stuff like this - and a lot of them are looking for the right opportunity. Yes, they're using the brain between their legs, but that's how it is. That's how men are wired, especially for most men under 25. So, to the OP, your BF is right to have a problem with your best friend situation Oh man, any guy would. From your best friend's perspective, you are forbidden... and both he and your boyfriend know it. Before you start going on about trusting each other and all that, let me head you off at the pass. Trust doesn't matter - this is not about trusting him or him trusting you. Even the most solid relationships have broken in the face of temptation. This is about a situation he has every right to feel uncomfortable about. Put yourself in his shoes. What if he spent a lot of free time with a girl best friend, who is sexually compatible/available? Even if you trusted him 100%, you'd have the same concern and you'd feel justified in having them.
fuzzles fuzzles 5 years
Unless your relationship with your best friend is unhealthy is some way-and it doesn't sound as though it is-I would question the motives of ANYONE that tried to interfere. I do agree that you should talk to your boyfriend to get an understanding of where he is coming from, though. That is only fair. Then, the ball is in your court and you can make an informed decision as to where to go from there.
fuzzles fuzzles 5 years
Unless your relationship with your best friend is unhealthy is some way-and it doesn't sound as though it is-I would question the motives of ANYONE that tried to interfere. I do agree that you should talk to your boyfriend to get an understanding of where he is coming from, though. That is only fair. Then, the ball is in your court and you can make an informed decision as to where to go from there.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Talk to your current bf about him storming out all of the sudden. Why the sudden asking you to choose? Do you talk about your best friend so often in front of your bf, do you guys have some sort of 'secret language' or 'private joke' between you best friends and he felt excluded and suddenly he blew up? Something must've happened (or something must've been said) to cause his jealousy to escalate to that extreme point. It IS intimidating to have your bf/gf having a bff of the opposite sex, and your bf either was burnt by similar situation or he's got got work on his insecurity. Put yourself on his shoes, would you be comfortable if he has a bff who's so close to him, and to make it 'worse,' you find her to be an attractive girl and you will wonder why your bf doesn't 'hook up' with her or how everytime you guys are having problem, will he run to her to complain/talk about it? If you are comfortable with having a spouse who's got a really close female friend, then you need to seek out someone more on your wavelength too. Now that you're reevaluating the whole relationship, good for you, decide for yourself if you want to make the effort to compromise and possibly lessening your intimacy with your male best friend for the sake of your bf or do you find your bf to not worth that effort at all. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Talk to your current bf about him storming out all of the sudden. Why the sudden asking you to choose? Do you talk about your best friend so often in front of your bf, do you guys have some sort of 'secret language' or 'private joke' between you best friends and he felt excluded and suddenly he blew up? Something must've happened (or something must've been said) to cause his jealousy to escalate to that extreme point.It IS intimidating to have your bf/gf having a bff of the opposite sex, and your bf either was burnt by similar situation or he's got got work on his insecurity. Put yourself on his shoes, would you be comfortable if he has a bff who's so close to him, and to make it 'worse,' you find her to be an attractive girl and you will wonder why your bf doesn't 'hook up' with her or how everytime you guys are having problem, will he run to her to complain/talk about it? If you are comfortable with having a spouse who's got a really close female friend, then you need to seek out someone more on your wavelength too.Now that you're reevaluating the whole relationship, good for you, decide for yourself if you want to make the effort to compromise and possibly lessening your intimacy with your male best friend for the sake of your bf or do you find your bf to not worth that effort at all.Good luck.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, There are two issues here: Quite frankly, if I had a girlfriend who had a best friend who was a guy, I would have a problem with that. You are going to have to find a boyfriend who has enough self-confidence and maturity to handle such a situation. (Unfortunately, I think most people are not mature enough to handle such a situation.) When you find another guy who might be your boyfriend, you will have to make it clear that you have this ‘special situation,’ and that it will be something he has to be able to deal with. If he is not able to handle it, then you need to move on, and all of this must be discussed before you and this new guy become intimate. The other issue is your present boyfriend. Is he the jealous type? If so, would he be willing to talk about it? Have the two of you ever sat down and discussed jealousy, both in a general sense and his jealousy specifically? Most couples treat jealousy like it is a forbidden topic, and that is a big mistake. Find a guy who can handle the more-than-usual challenge of your unique situation. Sit down with your present boyfriend and see if he is even willing to talk about jealousy. I hope all turns out well for you. Keep us posted as to how it is going.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP,There are two issues here:Quite frankly, if I had a girlfriend who had a best friend who was a guy, I would have a problem with that. You are going to have to find a boyfriend who has enough self-confidence and maturity to handle such a situation. (Unfortunately, I think most people are not mature enough to handle such a situation.) When you find another guy who might be your boyfriend, you will have to make it clear that you have this ‘special situation,’ and that it will be something he has to be able to deal with. If he is not able to handle it, then you need to move on, and all of this must be discussed <I>before</I> you and this new guy become intimate. The other issue is your present boyfriend. Is he the jealous type? If so, would he be willing to talk about it? Have the two of you ever sat down and discussed jealousy, both in a general sense and his jealousy specifically? Most couples treat jealousy like it is a forbidden topic, and that is a big mistake. Find a guy who can handle the more-than-usual challenge of your unique situation. Sit down with your present boyfriend and see if he is even willing to talk about jealousy.I hope all turns out well for you. Keep us posted as to how it is going.
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