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Boyfriend Told Ex My Secrets

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Told His Ex My Secrets

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been with my current boyfriend for the past five months. During that time, my ex had a personal crisis and started acting strange. He started sending threatening emails to me and called my current boyfriend to ask him about his relationship with me and emailed him twice. I told my boyfriend not to tell him anything because it would only upset my ex. My boyfriend has a personal blog, and his ex is mentioned on it. He said he felt he should contact her and warn her about my ex. He promised he would only give vague details. I was pretty sure my ex wouldn't try to contact her at all, but I said OK.

Yesterday I found out that he told her very specific things about my past relationship that were extremely private. I found out because he made an offhand remark "that's what (ex's name) said about your relationship." I asked why he would tell her those things, and he said she asked and he's used to telling her everything. He also said I was overreacting and made a mild apology.

I am a very private person, and the things he told her were not things I would tell most of my closest friends, let alone his ex-girlfriend, who probably hates me already and likely told all of her friends. The one thing I cannot tolerate, even more than lying or cheating, is having my privacy violated. I feel really betrayed and I am thinking about breaking up with him.

Am I overreacting? Should I try to make this work or should I leave?

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somekindofmagic somekindofmagic 4 years
That is grounds for a breakup. He broke the trust boundary BIG TIME. Hit the road, Jack. It would be funny if his name was actually Jack.
awesomepants awesomepants 4 years
Please, it's only been five months. Might as well be an hour. Find someone new.
chucktownchick chucktownchick 4 years
His actions show a complete lack of boundaries, respect for your privacy, respect for your relationship with him as a couple and a desire to maintain inappropriate contact with a former partner. If he has already violated your trust this early on in the relationship, I can only imagine where his line is drawn. If you feel that you can't trust him and are already considering breaking up with him because of these actions, I think your gut is sending a waving red flag/flashing lights/siren-wailing warning. Also, keep a record of ANY contact your ex has had with you. Print it out. If it continues to escalate go to the police and consider a restraining order. It's always better safe than sorry and that way you'll have a record of your ex's threats. Good luck.
chucktownchick chucktownchick 4 years
His actions show a complete lack of boundaries, respect for your privacy, respect for your relationship with him as a couple and a desire to maintain inappropriate contact with a former partner. If he has already violated your trust this early on in the relationship, I can only imagine where his line is drawn. If you feel that you can't trust him and are already considering breaking up with him because of these actions, I think your gut is sending a waving red flag/flashing lights/siren-wailing warning. Also, keep a record of ANY contact your ex has had with you. Print it out. If it continues to escalate go to the police and consider a restraining order. It's always better safe than sorry and that way you'll have a record of your ex's threats. Good luck.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
He felt the need to contact his ex to warn her about your ex? How many degrees of separation is that? Seriously, what a lame excuse to be in contact with his ex...agree with previous comment that there are probably unresolved feelings between the two of them. Add his complete lack of respect for your privacy, and I think you have your answer.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
He felt the need to contact his ex to warn her about your ex? How many degrees of separation is that? Seriously, what a lame excuse to be in contact with his ex...agree with previous comment that there are probably unresolved feelings between the two of them. Add his complete lack of respect for your privacy, and I think you have your answer.
Kishall Kishall 4 years
I KNOW THIS ONE! First, let may say that most current partners don't want to meet your ex., nor do they approve of you maintaining a friendship with you ex., either. I personally find this pathetic, but reality has proven to me, good or bad, it often ends in disaster.In answer of your question, if you want to be with him, I think you should try to make it work. Of course, now you've learned, no matter how close or trustworthy of a relationship you have with a partner or any other person, there was no need to share everything about yourself. That is, is was ok to be selective in what secrets you want to share.I can assure you that with all of my eight ex-girlfriend's, not one of them kept their word. Every one of them betrayed my trust by sharing some of my most embarrassment or deepest secrets I revealed to them in confidence. In fact, I wasn't sure anymore why I once thought it was necessary to tell them everything in the first place. Someone explained it this way: she never wanted to know or see her boyfriend masturbating, whether he actually did or not. There was simply no bennefitting of him admitting things like this to her.
Kishall Kishall 4 years
I KNOW THIS ONE! First, let may say that most current partners don't want to meet your ex., nor do they approve of you maintaining a friendship with you ex., either. I personally find this pathetic, but reality has proven to me, good or bad, it often ends in disaster. In answer of your question, if you want to be with him, I think you should try to make it work. Of course, now you've learned, no matter how close or trustworthy of a relationship you have with a partner or any other person, there was no need to share everything about yourself. That is, is was ok to be selective in what secrets you want to share. I can assure you that with all of my eight ex-girlfriend's, not one of them kept their word. Every one of them betrayed my trust by sharing some of my most embarrassment or deepest secrets I revealed to them in confidence. In fact, I wasn't sure anymore why I once thought it was necessary to tell them everything in the first place. Someone explained it this way: she never wanted to know or see her boyfriend masturbating, whether he actually did or not. There was simply no bennefitting of him admitting things like this to her.
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
It's not for us to tell you what to do but if it means that much to you that he betrayed you and made some half ass apology, and your already thinking of dumping his ass then you already know what to do. It's too soon for this ass clown to be doing crap like that. If it were me, I would bounce. His ex should be a thing of the past. I'm sorry but your boyfriend sounds like an ass.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
This is a big red flag so soon in the relationship. If he can't see the boundaries than he may not really be over his ex. It also sounds like he wanted an excuse to open the lines of communication with her again. Going behind your back like that to tell secrets is a huge break in trust. Sounds like maybe you need to move on and find someone who has moved on from their past relationship and can honor and respect you.
strippedlove strippedlove 4 years
if it was me in this situation i would break up with him. If he doesn't see that this is making you uncomfortable he's a dick. If you really liked someone then they shouldn't do the one thing you told him not to do.
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
Break up with him. Any guy who says his ex is entitled to hear whatever she wants is either lying or insane. Either way, it's not something you should put up with.
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