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Boyfriend Is Too Comfortable After One Month

Group Therapy: Dating For a Month and Now What?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been seeing someone for over a month now and things were going really great. We talked every day, from morning till bed. Hung out at least twice a week. It was fun getting to know each other. We really hit it off. We act like a couple in front of his friends and mine. But just last week after spending a whole night and day together, things seemed to change a bit. He still talked to me as usual, it just seemed like there was laziness behind it. Almost like he got comfortable and felt like he didn't have to put in as much of the effort anymore.

After hanging out with his friends one night last weekend and not inviting me, I felt kind of weird, normally he would invite me. The next morning he asked when he would see me again. He ended up coming to a friend's briefly late the following night when he got off work, but that was only for about 30 min (mind I was a little intoxicated) and then he opted to spend the Fourth with his friends and barely spoke to me at all that night. The day after he apologized for not talking to me very much in which I kind of snapped (but nicely) at him (over a text) and just said he didn't need to apologize for not talking to me when we werent really chatting anyway in which he was a little taken aback but then avoided it.

I think I snapped because I got a little insecure about the change in behavior from him over the last few days. Now things haven't really been normal. He still texts me every day and we talk a whole bunch, have plans to see each other tomorrow night at a friend's bbq, but I still feel like there is an underlying awkwardness. I also am unsure of where we stand in our relationship right now.

Usually he and I express how we can't wait to see each other and call each other lovey dovey names (still do to an extent, just nowhere near before) but I feel like I put my guard back up and he might sense it so he backed off?

I realized it's healthy for people who date to not talk all the time, but it just makes me wonder. Should I address how I have been feeling to him?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
bluestar bluestar 4 years
It is possible to keep up the texting ALL DAY long every single day for the rest of your life? It HAS to die down at some point....there's no way anyone can keep that up forever or why you would even want to. Chill out and back off...see what happens.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
Agree with the above. Texting/talking from morning until bed? Ugghhh.This relationship is like a shooting star...fast burn initially, then fade, then nothing. If you want to try to have something longer lasting, you need to back off. If he doesn't come after you once you pull back, he is over it. Lesson learned.It is way too early to have "the talk" with him...that is a guaranteed relationship kill at this point.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
Agree with the above. Texting/talking from morning until bed? Ugghhh. This relationship is like a shooting star...fast burn initially, then fade, then nothing. If you want to try to have something longer lasting, you need to back off. If he doesn't come after you once you pull back, he is over it. Lesson learned. It is way too early to have "the talk" with him...that is a guaranteed relationship kill at this point.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 4 years
A guy should like you more than you like him. This guy probably just needs some breathing space which is alright but why do you guys always text each other? That jst kills the romance - there's no chance to miss each other with constant communication and constantly having to pick up the phone and type out a message when you're in the middle of something. Lay off the texting all the time and try and see each other alone - group dates are for 13 year olds.
karlotta karlotta 4 years
I think you should back off and chill out and let the guy AND the relationship breathe. Guys don't get comfortable when they lose interest, they get comfortable when they're happy with someone. Let it go before the drama ruins it. And I don't mean, keep quiet, stew in silence and don't tell him how you feel (because that will come out in passive agressive behavior or comments whether you want it or not) - I mean, ACTUALLY LET IT GO IN YOUR HEAD. I know it's hard to be rational when you're in the first stages of love, but try and keep the crazy thoughts away, be sweet and calm, and take it one day at a time. If you make a big fuss over this, you're just going to push him away even more. And that may just be the final stroke.
juicebox07 juicebox07 4 years
It's natural for guys to get comfortable in a relationship and not put in as much effort. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years, and he definitely doesn't put in the amount of effort as he did in the beginning. But after a month? That seems a bit soon to start getting comfortable. It's possible he is losing interest, or maybe he just likes a lot of time to do other things.
divinedebris divinedebris 4 years
You're jumping in and want to have the conversation about where the relationship is going, after only a month? That's insane. You need to focus on yourself and not worry that he hasn't called, or text messaged you. Do something else, hang out with your friends or what have you, and let the relationship form in it's own time. If you're getting clingy like this after a month, he probably won't want to stick around and see how you are after two. And another thing, how old are you? You sound like you're a teenager that's not quite ready to grow up but who also wants that fairy tale romance and happy ending. I feel like you're trying to jump from step one, to marriage (see: commitment) too quickly.
divinedebris divinedebris 4 years
You're jumping in and want to have the conversation about where the relationship is going, after only a month? That's insane. You need to focus on yourself and not worry that he hasn't called, or text messaged you. Do something else, hang out with your friends or what have you, and let the relationship form in it's own time. If you're getting clingy like this after a month, he probably won't want to stick around and see how you are after two. And another thing, how old are you? You sound like you're a teenager that's not quite ready to grow up but who also wants that fairy tale romance and happy ending. I feel like you're trying to jump from step one, to marriage (see: commitment) too quickly.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
While I think it would be unwise of you to talk with him about your feelings right now (I mean, you're only dating a month in), I think it would be wise to ask him about your relationship. Just ask him what you two are. Are you two exclusive? Do either of you date other people? And then once you get your answers, and have talked it over a *little* (and I really stress the little part. Don't linger over the topic for more than 10 minutes), you can go onto your regular, normal lives. Don't be clingy. You can control your negative feelings by either thinking positive or occupying your time with something awesome. And honestly, I feel that you're just more jealous that he's hanging out with his friends instead of you (and not inviting you) more than he hangs out with you. First of all, why should there always be an invitation? Secondly, where are your friends? What do you do to occupy yourself when you're not with him? And also, it doesn't seem like there was a huge change in behavior. You sense a small (infinitesimally small) difference in the "amount" of his affections for you, and putting in an effort, etc etc. And this may or may not be true. You could just be looking into it too much. Or perhaps you're more ticked off that you don't know what you two are, and you're expecting way more of an improved difference in the relationship by now. Maybe he is getting lazier b/c he's comfortable with you. That's not such a bad thing. Or maybe he's really busy right now in his life with lots of other things that have nothing to do with you, and he's struggling to make time for friends and you (but still doing it, just lesser on all sides), and you haven't taken the time to figure that out. Just open your eyes to the possibility that IT'S NOT YOU, it's his life going on. And don't be so insecure, or needy or clingy or whatever. That's a surefire way to scare a guy off.
myhousemd myhousemd 4 years
I think it's nice to get comfortable. I know a couple who just got married yesterday, who are literally made for each other, yet they only saw each other once a week and almost never talked to each other otherwise. I know I would be incredibly unhappy in a relationship like that, which is why I am not in a relationship like that. But my friends are completely happy with their relationship, and completely in love with each other. You just have to decide if you're happy with this relationship, and whether you're happy with this guy. (You have only been dating him for a month.) Let him know if you are unhappy with his behavior. He may not have even realized that his behavior was different, or that his behavior bothered you.
Elizabeth-Grey Elizabeth-Grey 4 years
Believe me, I understand this feeling. I'd venture a guess that most people in relationships have felt something similar at some point. But the best way to deal with it is to take a breath and let things be. There will be times in your relationship when you're lovey-dovey and romantic and all about wanting to see one another. There will be other times when you're more distant. The thing you have to remember is that this often has very little to do with how your partner feels about you - it's much more dependent on outside factors in both of your lives. Since you're not yet in an solid, established relationship, though, of course there's a chance that you two are actually growing apart. But if this is the case, being clingy and obsessing over the details of your relationship is not going to win him back. Give each other some space, and have confidence that he feels as warmly toward you as he always has until you've been proven otherwise. It will save you a lot of anxiety, and will do wonders for your relationship. I promise.
Elizabeth-Grey Elizabeth-Grey 4 years
Believe me, I understand this feeling. I'd venture a guess that most people in relationships have felt something similar at some point. But the best way to deal with it is to take a breath and let things be. There will be times in your relationship when you're lovey-dovey and romantic and all about wanting to see one another. There will be other times when you're more distant. The thing you have to remember is that this often has very little to do with how your partner feels about you - it's much more dependent on outside factors in both of your lives. Since you're not yet in an solid, established relationship, though, of course there's a chance that you two are actually growing apart. But if this is the case, being clingy and obsessing over the details of your relationship is not going to win him back. Give each other some space, and have confidence that he feels as warmly toward you as he always has until you've been proven otherwise. It will save you a lot of anxiety, and will do wonders for your relationship. I promise.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 4 years
You don't need to be up eachother's butts all the time. Chill out and remember to maintain a life of your own beyond him.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
You did mention that you two were just 'seeing each other'. From my understanding, that usually means that the both of you have agreed to 'test out the waters', and haven't officially crossed over to the dating side of things just yet. Definitely something to talk to your man about. Which brings me to my next point: the Rubber Band effect. I've mentioned this a couple times in my other posts, and it's fairly simple. The closer you try to get to someone, the farther away they get from you, as a rubber band would function. Now, if you stretch a rubber band, what happens? It bounces back. So, I suggest you give him whatever room he seems to be looking for, and wait it out. Find thngs to occupy yourself with, like a new project, or hanging out with your girlfriends. Be happy. People are naturally drawn to happy people.And if your rubber band seems to be broken and he doesn't end up comnig around, then he's not worth hanging around for. He probably did his water testing, and changed his mind about going for a swim. Just remember, let him come to you. It's the harder part about being in a relationship, but it's like the Greek story of Orpheus: as long as you don't turn around and you keep walking, you'll be fine.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
You did mention that you two were just 'seeing each other'. From my understanding, that usually means that the both of you have agreed to 'test out the waters', and haven't officially crossed over to the dating side of things just yet. Definitely something to talk to your man about. Which brings me to my next point: the Rubber Band effect. I've mentioned this a couple times in my other posts, and it's fairly simple. The closer you try to get to someone, the farther away they get from you, as a rubber band would function. Now, if you stretch a rubber band, what happens? It bounces back. So, I suggest you give him whatever room he seems to be looking for, and wait it out. Find thngs to occupy yourself with, like a new project, or hanging out with your girlfriends. Be happy. People are naturally drawn to happy people. And if your rubber band seems to be broken and he doesn't end up comnig around, then he's not worth hanging around for. He probably did his water testing, and changed his mind about going for a swim. Just remember, let him come to you. It's the harder part about being in a relationship, but it's like the Greek story of Orpheus: as long as you don't turn around and you keep walking, you'll be fine.
MrsShort MrsShort 4 years
First off, my question is, do you guys ever spend time alone with eachother? It sound slike you always hang out with friends when you see eachother. I think you may need to spend some time alone with eachother and see if that makes things still awkward.I do remember this feeling though, when all of a sudden someone backs off and isnt as attentive as they used to be, he may be getting comfortable in your dating relationship to feel as though you could spend sometime apart and still be in the same place.I am a firm believer that you shouldnt play games wiht someone, but in the dating world you need to at first usually to figure someone out. So maybe you should pull away a little yourself and not respond with the cutsie names or try and hang out every day or talk everyday, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Also this could tell you if hes not feeling it he"ll leave, and if he comes after you he does like you and maybe he is just egtting comfortable in your situation and you can then talk to him about it. Just some ideas...
MrsShort MrsShort 4 years
First off, my question is, do you guys ever spend time alone with eachother? It sound slike you always hang out with friends when you see eachother. I think you may need to spend some time alone with eachother and see if that makes things still awkward. I do remember this feeling though, when all of a sudden someone backs off and isnt as attentive as they used to be, he may be getting comfortable in your dating relationship to feel as though you could spend sometime apart and still be in the same place. I am a firm believer that you shouldnt play games wiht someone, but in the dating world you need to at first usually to figure someone out. So maybe you should pull away a little yourself and not respond with the cutsie names or try and hang out every day or talk everyday, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Also this could tell you if hes not feeling it he"ll leave, and if he comes after you he does like you and maybe he is just egtting comfortable in your situation and you can then talk to him about it. Just some ideas...
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