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Boyfriend Wants to Wait Until We're Older For Marriage

"Live-In Boyfriend Wants to Get Married in Our 40s!"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

He's 26 and I'm 28. We've been living together for 4 years. Since day 1 I told him I wanted to get married by 30. He just told me he thinks it's something that people should do in their 40s, even 50s.

I really love him, I don't want to lose him, but to me it is very important to get married sooner bc I don't feel comfortable just living together with him. I don't know what to do, I think I'll never find someone like him if I lose him, but it is a big deal to me to just live together. He says he doesn't want to lose me either but he just don't want to do it yet.

Is this a deal breaker?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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jaan_black jaan_black 4 years
unfortunately, I don't think playing house is appropriate and this is often the end result...sleepovers are fine but I have always been against living with someone prior to commitment (whatever that may be)...people will tell you different but this is how I lived and for whatever reason, I was engaged by 26, married by 27 and just celebrated my 5th anniversary on 4/27...of course, that's not WHY I'm married but I think some men get veeeery comfortable and lazy - just my 2 cents
modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie 4 years
Has he given you reasons for wanting to wait so long?  By the time you reach your 40s, you two would have been together for nearly 2 decades.  Is he afraid of marriage?  Is he afraid of divorce? Most people have reasons for why they feel they way they do, so you need to learn why it's important to him to wait.  Also, if you both want children and you can't bear the idea of having them out of wedlock, that is something you two need to discuss.  If talking brings you two no closer to an agreement of some sort, then perhaps a counselor can help you two sort through these things.  You can't know if this is a deal-breaker if you two haven't discussed it in a way that enables you to see each other's side.  
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Eh, philosophy isn't what we're after here. Let's get down to brass tacks. Why do you want to get married? What specifically is on hold that you want to pull the trigger on? That's what you need to talk about. If its starting a family, a shared mortgage, or a gorgeous ring you don't need to have a ceremony but you should put the very thing you want from the paper on the table and say: I want this by 30. Anything holding you back from doing that with me in the next two years? Then the real issues are on the table. And if it's kids and that's exactly what he wants to think about beginning at 40 get the hell out asap instead of some power struggle because you've invested too much time already. Those eggs are precious.
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
When we define words to suit our own desires, nothing can be taken as true. Relativism is dangerous to all, not just to those who play that game. Sorry, I haven't read your bio, but, if you were bi "before you left the church," you have defined being in the church to suit your ends. Historically, it is not a building, but is the body of Christ. Open, notorious, unrepentant sin (such as sex outside of a God-vowed marriage) means you never were in the church, so, you could not have left.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
I was poly long before I left the church, if you actually read my bio, you'd know this. I also think it is horribly demeaning and derogatory to tell me that my marriage is not a real one because it doesn't fit your definitions of fidelity, marriage, etc. You have your (failed) marriages, I'll keep my one and only.
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
BiWife, I think you are a great person as I read your caring advice to OPs, and even in political posts. However, polyamorous is not a relationship beyond sharing a roof and sex, which is not beyond what you share in other hook-ups, and, perhaps, a budget, which is not beyond what office workers share. Culture and society can only grow based on strong relationships, such as the family. I know that God's common morality is written on your heart, but your heart is just calloused from years of anger or dealing with un-Christian Christians or un-Jewish Hebrews. Despite the culture, the marriages of Christians who are serious about following Jesus have much less of everything bad that the culture otherwise ignore. To Him be the thanks and glory.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
People have an "open door" regardless of whether or not they are married. It is wholly possible (and does happen) that a married partner will take off and not honor their commitment. Do you think that all the marriages done drunkenly in Vegas will turn out to be an unbreakable commitment? Hardly. Most of those marriages last a number of hours or days, while there are committed cohabitating couples that have been together for decades. I listed statistics (they aren't paid studies, they're an analysis of the census and similar information) because it shows a big picture rather than some anecdotal references to marriage being unbreakable and a bastion of morality. If we are going off just what is in our hearts, not everyone comes up with "one on one for life is best". Personally, I came up with polyamory as my best ideal. My spouse and I have been together for over a decade now (polyamorous the entire time). You can actually read my blog on what it's like to be poly and how I came to be such: We cohabitated for a couple of years before we got married, and even then it was mostly for insurance/tax purposes and to get our families off our back. Since then we have had multiple additional loves/sister-wives/girlfriends that have only served to help us be our most authentic self and grow to be the best persons we can be. In my heart, I know that we'll be together forever and not because of a piece of paper we signed at the DMV - we'll be together forever because every day we choose to be with that other person, we choose to share our life daily and each day that we make that choice, our bond becomes stronger.
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
Rather than on "studies' that will always reach the payor's result, in your heart you can feel that one on one for life is best and that with all the commitment activities possible. When people have an open door when problems arise, they are more likely to take it than not. If the exit is made difficult and the community supports and expects people to stick together when things get sticky, common sense and heart-founded morality say full, unbreakable commitment MAKE things work.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
Just to clear up a factual inaccuracy: living together before marriage is not an indicator of increased likelihood of divorce later on down the road. A growing majority of people are cohabitating before marriage and putting marriage off until their mid to late 30's. Also a growing number of people are having children in cohabiting but unmarried relationships. Meanwhile, the overall divorce rate is going down in the US (granted, this is linked to the economic downturn as well), so the attempts to link non-marital relationships to divorce is simply a religious tool intended to help control women (especially where sex is concerned). some of these articles may need library or college subscription to access, since the journals they are published in generally charge for online access.
Starling123 Starling123 4 years
Sounds like by saying he doesn't want to get married until 40 is just a way of putting the conversation off for 10 years. I've had this issue come up a lot with my guy friends where their GF's are talking marriage and they are slow to pull the trigger. What I always ask them, and what you have to figure out with your BF, Is he against marriage (until a certain age) or is he just against marriage with YOU, and is using the age thing as a deflector. I know everyone has their own opinions about marriage but I feel that the majority of people, if they truely love their significant other and want to spend the rest of their life with them, then they have no issue with getting married. You have to decide if he's worth taking the gamble on spending your young, prime child-bearing (if you want children) years with.
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
You are essentially married now, so, why worry about making it legtimate? If you are both faithful now, the only reason he could have for not marrying till later is so that he can be with other women and not feel like he's breaking any vow to you. In other words, as he sees your relationship now, it is not binding, not for life and something that he can play as he wants. Living together increases the chance for divorce because you played "married" so real marriage changes nothing. The door to go is open in living together, and he won't feel any different if you ever do get married.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
This is a tough one, because a lot of guys who end up getting married in their 30s start out saying "I'm never getting married and never having kids." Like 30% of those guys never do marry or have kids, and then like 70% end up changing their minds... eventually. Does he say he can see himself marrying you someday? When you talk about marriage and the future, does it sound like you are a part of his? If he doesn't want marriage until he is 40, will you be willing to stick it out?
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
I agree with BiWife. Also, you've been living together for four years, but you don't feel comfortable with it? If you didn't feel comfortable with the idea of living with him, you shouldn't have moved in with him to begin with. If you are wanting to get married in your 30's, for a good reason such as fertiity issues, then you should explain that to him. When it comes to children, it's easier for me to be in their 40's than women.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
whether or not it's a deal breaker is up to you. Why do you feel the need to be married by a certain age? Why do you feel that you need marriage in order to be happy with the man that you love? Are you worried about what your parents think? That little bit of paper doesn't change anything unless you intentionally change it. It should be your love and affection for one another that keeps you together, not a legal obligation, imho.
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