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Boyfriend Won't Have Sex With Me

Group Therapy: Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Have Sex

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!


Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years, and we have lived together for almost a year. We're both in our early 20s, and he prefers to masturbate than have sex with me. Masturbation doesn't bother me at all, but what bothers me is that he will masturbate every day and every time I'm not home or am not paying attention, and the big problem is we have sex every three weeks or even every two months.

It makes me feel very insecure as well as very unwanted. He knows this as well — I have told him about my feelings — but every time I try to bring it up, he becomes very angry. I have even offered to watch porn with him, and he just goes around the idea. This is really making our relationship difficult to handle; we can't even connect anymore. And I know he's not cheating, but I just don't know how to fix this. He supports me and my ideas and feelings with everything else, but just not with sex.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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lovingcatwhisperer lovingcatwhisperer 4 years
Just in all kinds of thought with this issue...thinking if I was in this situation and laying there when I know he's masturbating - I think I'd just start masturbating myself, and get more intense than him and maybe the distraction would distract him to the point where you've captured his complete curiousness and attention. I'd continue without his help...maybe get really kinky and not let him help at all...just watch and see how he likes that! If he wasn't interested or just didn't respond, that fact alone would tell you he ain't for you and this has no bearing on YOU!!!! If he was interested and was trying hard to either help or be more interested than what he was watching - perhaps maybe he is for you and initiating nice intimate chats about lust and desire may open up experience and experimenting with each other might break all insecurities and open the sensual "floodgates" (no pun intended)! Spontaneity will drive feelings of intimate desire and there is no set order...ENJOY!!!
letijay letijay 4 years
It sounds like your boyfriend has some intimacy issues. I just got out of a four and a half year relationship where I had similar issues with my ex. Even though we started of pretty hot and heavy, we eventually got to the point where he told me that my even trying to initiate was a turn off, and I got so frustrated by our sex life being solely on his terms that I became resentful when he tried to initiate (it took me a long time to get to that point). Ultimately, I came out of thinking, never again! Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship, but it can act as the glue that holds you together. Yes, it's pleasurable, but it's also fundamentally about shared vulnerability and intimacy. If you're with someone who can't share that with you because his hangups, and who refuses to acknowledge and address what's going on, I say move on. Don't waste your time in a relationship that leaves you frustrates and unfulfilled.
karlotta karlotta 4 years
He's getting angry because he's embarrassed, I think. He's probably developed some sort of insecurity about his performance and knowing that you want it, he feels pressured even more and retreats. I think, before throwing in the towel, you should try to tell him that you understand something's off, so you're going to let him deal with it and give him his space. Then don't mention sex for weeks. Don't even look like you want it. See where that takes you.It worked for me. My BF got overwhelmed by my libido, and it killed his. After I backed off for a couple of months, he felt secure again - sometimes men need to feel in control, like THEY are chasing you - and we've never had that problem again.
karlotta karlotta 4 years
He's getting angry because he's embarrassed, I think. He's probably developed some sort of insecurity about his performance and knowing that you want it, he feels pressured even more and retreats. I think, before throwing in the towel, you should try to tell him that you understand something's off, so you're going to let him deal with it and give him his space. Then don't mention sex for weeks. Don't even look like you want it. See where that takes you. It worked for me. My BF got overwhelmed by my libido, and it killed his. After I backed off for a couple of months, he felt secure again - sometimes men need to feel in control, like THEY are chasing you - and we've never had that problem again.
cutiepie30 cutiepie30 4 years
My ex and I fell in love and were together for almost two years, and this became a problem only a few months into our relationship. What I figured out was that he watched porn on the computer and his iPhone and masturbated whenever I wasn't around. Also when I brought this up to him, he became very angry. The problem was that he had developed a compulsion for internet porn and would neither talk about it with me or admit it was an issue. I broke it off with him and actually met a former GF of his and she told me they had the same issues...so know that it's NOT YOU! And more than likely, if he's like this in his 20's, he's only going to get worse. For your own happiness and sanity, do whatever you can to move on. There is someone waiting for you who's healthy in his head and will think the sun rises and sets on you. And remember: this is HIS issue, and it has nothing to do with you or your appeal. Wishing you the best.
lickety-split lickety-split 4 years
ime to move on. you've made you point w/ him; he doesn't car. its easier for hin to beat off than make an effort w/ you.
megliz megliz 4 years
Straight up -- guy sounds like a jerk. And to be honest, it also sounds like he's not attracted to you anymore. I'm really sorry. If I were you, I'd look for someone else.
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
I'm going to keep my points simple. *You are both in early 20's. You both have ample time to meet new people who you will have a great relationship with. Trust me! *Do you honestly see yourself marrying this guy or being with him for a long time, especially considering this problem that may NEVER go away? *When you bring this up to him he gets very angry and upset. Not a good sign. If he gets mad about this, what future issues will you not be able to communicate about? Going back to how long do you see yourself realistically being with this guy? He may be a nice guy in many aspects- many people are. But he is not the full package. This masturbation thing may never change. You might want to move on. Also this guy may never enjoy regular sex because maybe the only way he can get off is by masturbating really roughly, spanking the monkey quite hard if you get my drift. It might not be possible for this guy to get off from a vagina the way his dick has become accostumed to with his hand choking the hell out of himself.
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
I'm going to keep my points simple.*You are both in early 20's. You both have ample time to meet new people who you will have a great relationship with. Trust me!*Do you honestly see yourself marrying this guy or being with him for a long time, especially considering this problem that may NEVER go away?*When you bring this up to him he gets very angry and upset. Not a good sign. If he gets mad about this, what future issues will you not be able to communicate about? Going back to how long do you see yourself realistically being with this guy?He may be a nice guy in many aspects- many people are. But he is not the full package. This masturbation thing may never change. You might want to move on. Also this guy may never enjoy regular sex because maybe the only way he can get off is by masturbating really roughly, spanking the monkey quite hard if you get my drift. It might not be possible for this guy to get off from a vagina the way his dick has become accostumed to with his hand choking the hell out of himself.
GoodLuckCharm GoodLuckCharm 4 years
He might just be feeling a little insecure about himself too. Maybe he just wants you to initiate sex with him more. Sometimes as women we just expect men to do most of the work in that department. I'm sure he'll appreciate that the pressure is not always on him to make it a night for the both of you and you'll be just as satisfied.
mnp mnp 4 years
You have a right to have your needs met. And, if it's him not meeting your sexual needs and expectations, it might not make a lasting and fulfilling relationship. // I think if this is bothering you to the point that it makes you insecure, maybe you should go to couple's therapy? You and your bf have to meet halfway for compromise. And, the resentment is only going to grow and fester. // Good luck!
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