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Boyfriend Won't Say I Love You

"Four Years and No I Love You"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!


I've been with my boyfriend for four years. We see each other often, though we don't live together (we each have our own kids from prior marriages). We have a lot in common, enjoy each other's company, etc. We're in our 40s, so I hope that by now, we have a better idea of what makes a relationship last.

However . . . I find myself getting hung up on the fact that he hasn't said the magic "I love you." Also, he only recently brought up the idea of meeting his mom a few months ago, but it hasn't happened yet. And now, I told him I'd like to take a vacation to Hawaii and he basically said, "Have a great time!" There was no hint of worry that I might meet someone there, and no "Can I go with you?" We went on two vacations last year and had a great time — one of which I had planned on my own, and he said he wanted to go, too (it was an overseas trip with a lot of difficult cycling, so I didn't ask him at first).

Other than that, he's loyal, and acts like we're practically a long-married couple. Still, should his lack of worry about me vacationing alone, his lack of "I love you" declarations, be a sign that it's time I move on?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Casey111 Casey111 4 years
I am going to have to second Dazzle above me. When a man really loves you, I feel like the words are important enough to say. Actions don't always speak louder than words. Someone who did something nice for me, then dissed me behind my back wouldn't be somebody I'd call a friend (or a lover). Have you ever told him that you'd really appreciate the validation of him telling you that he loves you? If it's difficult for him, or he skates around the answer, maybe it's time for you to re-evaluate your relationship.
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
I think you should ask him...noone answering on this site will know the answer...Ask him what's going on and if there's anything you should be worried about. Good luck!
DazzleDe DazzleDe 4 years
I'm sorry to say this hun, but when a man loves you he isn't afraid to say it - and he would love to go on a vacation with you because he wants to spend all his time with you. a man in love will move mountains to be with the women he loves. I'm not saying your bf doesn't care about you. Obviously, you don't spend 4 years with someone and not have feelings for them, but it sounds like you are in two different places in the relationship and want 2 different things. I would have an honest conversation with him - but be prepared for what he may say.
friendlyfriend friendlyfriend 4 years
for me, this reminds me of how i have dropped and stopped doing things that i enjoy because i just want to come home to my man. now i'm thinking, what can i do to regain, reclaim and keep my independence? I think you're on the right track roundwot88. You have learned how to maintain a healthy relationship because you've already lived through other relationships. Good luck with everything. You are a lucky lady.
roundtwo88 roundtwo88 4 years
Please forgive the grammatical/spelling errors--typing on a tablet.
roundtwo88 roundtwo88 4 years
Have to say, as I wrote the post I was thinking I am actually very lucky to have this guy. I have never been shy about owning up to my insecurities and letting him know it was my problem, not his. After I made the original post, I thought about what I wanted (some sort of display of possessiveness--so lame), how I went about it (dropping weak hints/bait), and how it made me feel later on (disappointed that I behaved like in such a misleading way). Of course, since I acted like it was no big deal to me that he didn't ask to tag along, he has no idea how made I was--poor guy! So, I decided I would call him tomorrow, explain what was going on in my head, and just tell him I would like to set up a vacation together. I do want to take another one solo, though, because I do need some time alone. And then I read your post, which confirmed for me that this is the right course of action. I normally tell him exactly what I want/need, and he always likes that. As for actions speaking louder than words--that fits. He is not one to verbally express his feelings, and frankly, neither do I. So, thank you for the e-wake up call!
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
You're upset because he trusts you, knows you're a grown woman and can take care of yourself, and that you're free to go on your own vacations without him? Wow. It seems that you two have different attachment styles. Whereas he is the more laid-back type, easy-going, trusting, independent, but loving, you are more dependent, analytical and romantic. He may not have said 'I love you' because he was burned in a past relationship, and is having a hard time bringing himself to finally saying it again. But don't make the mistake of assuming that his lack of 'I love you's' means he doesn't love you or that you should be worried. Actions speak louder than words. Do you tell him you love him? Are you assertive in this relationship, or do you wait for him to 'take a hint'. In the case with you dropping small hints about wanting to take a vacation, what you really wanted was for him to jump in and say 'Hey, I want to go with you! You shouldn't go alone lest other men steal you away from me!'...But you know what? He can't read your mind, and didn't know what you truly wanted. Next time, make it known what you want. Don't just expect him to act a certain way, and then be disappointed when he doesn't act that way.
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