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Boyfriend Won't Take Dating Profile Down

Group Therapy: Boyfriend Won't Take Dating Profile Down

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I have been dating a man exclusively for nine months, and he still has his online profiles visible but not active.  We met online; however, I made my online profiles not visible after three months, but I noticed that he still has his visible.  His profiles are not active.  I know I can talk to him about it; however, I really want him to want to remove them without me having to tell him.  Since he has left them up, I assume he is still keeping his options open or perhaps he forgot (doubt it) or perhaps there is a way he is still active on the sites (without it showing as active), and I am being lied to? We have discussed being exclusive and it is understood that we are only dating each other.

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postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
If his profiles aren't active, he probably just forgot or hasn't thought about it. I'm not sure why you think his forgetting is unlikely (has he showed a lot of signs of not being trustworthy already?). Once he met you and wanted to be exclusive with you, he probably never thought about logging into any of the sites he had profiles with. Hence, they are not active. I'm sure if you just asked him, "Hey, hon, now that we're in an exclusive relationship, why don't you take down your online dating profiles?" If he refuses to take it down, then there might be an issue. But before you ask him to take down inactive profiles, there isn't really any issue here at all except your inability to ask him. Jumping to conclusions can be a very bad thing in any relationship. Actually, pretty much in any facet of life. When you jump to conclusions, you completely skip the step of communication, getting questions answered, getting facts, and building trust. And I agree with mix tape... if you've been dating for nine whole months, you really should be able to talk to him about this. Miscommunication leads to all sorts of problems, so before jumping to conclusions about him not being into you and keeping his options open, you gotta talk to him!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
If his profiles aren't active, he probably just forgot or hasn't thought about it. I'm not sure why you think his forgetting is unlikely (has he showed a lot of signs of not being trustworthy already?). Once he met you and wanted to be exclusive with you, he probably never thought about logging into any of the sites he had profiles with. Hence, they are not active. I'm sure if you just asked him, "Hey, hon, now that we're in an exclusive relationship, why don't you take down your online dating profiles?" If he refuses to take it down, then there might be an issue. But before you ask him to take down inactive profiles, there isn't really any issue here at all except your inability to ask him. Jumping to conclusions can be a very bad thing in any relationship. Actually, pretty much in any facet of life. When you jump to conclusions, you completely skip the step of communication, getting questions answered, getting facts, and building trust.And I agree with mix tape... if you've been dating for nine whole months, you really should be able to talk to him about this. Miscommunication leads to all sorts of problems, so before jumping to conclusions about him not being into you and keeping his options open, you gotta talk to him!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Damnit. I've been married for more than 5 yrs, and I've not taken down my profile. True, I've not checked on it in more than 5 yrs... Talk to the guy if this bugs you that much.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Damnit. I've been married for more than 5 yrs, and I've not taken down my profile. True, I've not checked on it in more than 5 yrs...Talk to the guy if this bugs you that much.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 5 years
mix tape, every time I see your pants are not tights shirt I smile.In any case, I also agree with your advice. It's been nine months. Just bring it up.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 5 years
mix tape, every time I see your pants are not tights shirt I smile. In any case, I also agree with your advice. It's been nine months. Just bring it up.
Arctic-Cat Arctic-Cat 5 years
Maybe he does not realize he has the profile up and has completely forgotten about that dating scene. My partner gave me a hard time about old pictures I had on facebook of me with my ex. I honestly did not even remember they were there and had practically forgotten his name until my partner mentioned it. I did not appreciate being asked to remove the pictures but I did. So I think it is good that you are trying to avoid asking him to delete the profile for you but I also find it strange that you are logging on just to check up on him and you are being a hypocrite by not deleting your own profile. I think it is time to explore your trust issues. Good luck!
Arctic-Cat Arctic-Cat 5 years
Maybe he does not realize he has the profile up and has completely forgotten about that dating scene. My partner gave me a hard time about old pictures I had on facebook of me with my ex. I honestly did not even remember they were there and had practically forgotten his name until my partner mentioned it. I did not appreciate being asked to remove the pictures but I did. So I think it is good that you are trying to avoid asking him to delete the profile for you but I also find it strange that you are logging on just to check up on him and you are being a hypocrite by not deleting your own profile.I think it is time to explore your trust issues. Good luck!
mix-tape mix-tape 5 years
I will never understand why two people dating, especially for this amount of time, can't discuss the issue. Really, just ask him about it.
GregS GregS 5 years
Back in my travelling days, I had a dial-up account that I paid for. I quit travelling in 07. I closed the account that I was PAYING for last year. I hadn't use the account in over 5 years. It wasn't significant to me.If it's important for you to be checking up on him, you'll always be questioning him. Is that a way to live? What if he goes out to dinner with a friend that happens to be female? First, would you allow him, and second would you tail him? If your trust in him is that low, you shouldn't be dating him.
GregS GregS 5 years
Back in my travelling days, I had a dial-up account that I paid for. I quit travelling in 07. I closed the account that I was PAYING for last year. I hadn't use the account in over 5 years. It wasn't significant to me. If it's important for you to be checking up on him, you'll always be questioning him. Is that a way to live? What if he goes out to dinner with a friend that happens to be female? First, would you allow him, and second would you tail him? If your trust in him is that low, you shouldn't be dating him.
ShaynaLeah ShaynaLeah 5 years
I agree with much of the above - You really can't be too angry with him if you haven't asked him to take it down. We all have odd bits of ourselves floating out in cyberspace, forgotten but not deleted. If you have other insecurities (or reasons behind this insecurity) then maybe he is still playing the field - So talk to him. If you can't trust him enough to talk about something this important then I would rethink whether he's worth your time.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
You must be logging on if you are checking up on his profile. Are you keeping your options open, too, or are you just logging on to check on him? Either way, there is a problem. If you're keeping your options open, then don't fault him for doing the same. If you're logging on just to check up on him, then there are obviously some trust issues in your relationship. It's one thing to say you're committed to someone, it's another thing for you to decide that you are going to trust someone. A healthy, committed relationship must be grounded in trust. If you want to be in a healthy relationship with this man, you must decide to trust him and stop checking up on him behind his back. The issue isn't his profile, it's in your lack of trust in him. If you are checking up on him online, then my guess is that if it wasn't the profile, you would be secretly trying to check his email or his phone to see who he's communicating with besides you. A better use of your time would be to determine why you don't feel like you can trust him and to work through those issues.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP,Yes, it is possible that he is intentionally doing all of this to keep his options open, just as you say. However, it is also possible that he has just completely forgotten about it. Which do you think it is?You said, "I really want him to want to remove them without me having to tell him."--> If he is truly doing this because he wants to keep his options open, then I agree with you. However, if he is doing this because he just forgot about it, then this is a case of you being emotional and him not being emotional. You sound like you are an emotional person. I am also emotional, so I know exactly where you are coming from. Some people are not emotional, and some people are downright dense. I am wondering which kind of person your boyfriend is. If he is not the emotional type, then he probably has no idea that this is bothering you. If so, then you have to tell him. He may have no idea that you want him to delete his profile or make it invisible. (Non-emotional people sometimes have no idea the suffering that we emotional people go through. The only way they will know is if we tell them.)Which do you think he is?
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, Yes, it is possible that he is intentionally doing all of this to keep his options open, just as you say. However, it is also possible that he has just completely forgotten about it. Which do you think it is? You said, "I really want him to want to remove them without me having to tell him." --> If he is truly doing this because he wants to keep his options open, then I agree with you. However, if he is doing this because he just forgot about it, then this is a case of you being emotional and him not being emotional. You sound like you are an emotional person. I am also emotional, so I know exactly where you are coming from. Some people are not emotional, and some people are downright dense. I am wondering which kind of person your boyfriend is. If he is not the emotional type, then he probably has no idea that this is bothering you. If so, then you have to tell him. He may have no idea that you want him to delete his profile or make it invisible. (Non-emotional people sometimes have no idea the suffering that we emotional people go through. The only way they will know is if we tell them.) Which do you think he is?
imLissy imLissy 5 years
He probably hasn't logged into the sites for nine months. Maybe he doesn't even remember his password. I definitely wouldn't assume he's keeping his options open.
imLissy imLissy 5 years
He probably hasn't logged into the sites for nine months. Maybe he doesn't even remember his password.I definitely wouldn't assume he's keeping his options open.
jenni5 jenni5 5 years
If it bothers you that much talk to him ask him to delete it. You should delete yours as well.
starbucks2 starbucks2 5 years
*and get rid of anything ex- or single-life related they own.
starbucks2 starbucks2 5 years
He's a man, he forgot. Women expect men to act like them and get rid of anything ex- or single-life related they. They don't think that way. You wouldn't believe the stuff I found in his appartement after I moved in. Bra straps, socks and yeast infection pills (ewww) that were all not mine. It doesn't mean he kept them because he's not over his ex, he just doesn't care if they're there or not. He didn't even think about.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 5 years
As my sistas in the hood would say (ah hell to the nah). If you've been dating 9 months both of your profiles should have been deleted. Since neither of yours are I would say you're both keeping your options open.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Most dating sites say how long it has been since people logged in. How long has it been since he logged on? If it has been a long time, then he probably just forgot about it.
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