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Boyfriend’s Weight Is Ruining Our Relationship

Group Therapy: Boyfriend’s Weight Is Ruining Our Relationship

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. I meet him in a time where I was lonely and need it affection and love from someone. He is a great guy and from the beginning he treated me like a princess, he pleases me in everything he can. The problem is he have gained a lot of weight, I will say he is over 50 pounds; I don’t find him attractive any more.

I spoke to him several times regarding the problem, most of the time we end up arguing. Some other times he promises me he is going to lose weight and he takes care of himself for a couple of days then he stops and doesn’t do anything to solve the problem. He has time for the gym but honestly I don’t know why he doesn’t go. I know he loves me and he is a great guy, but I feel I cannot be with someone like that. I feel attracted to other guys and I think constantly about the problem. On the other hand, I am skinny and I always take care of myself, I have many guys who are attracted to me, but I have been trying to be good and not leave him but it got to the point that I don’t know what to do.

Please advice,

Thanks,

Rose

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HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
I've read the majority of the comments on here, and I have read the replies from the original poster. As someone pointed out, you have not talked about loving him or anything like that. As you have already said, the relationship probably is something you don't really want to be in and this is the final straw. I think its great that you are being honest with yourself about this. As you have probably learned, sometimes teaming up with someone just because you need love certainly doesn't equal a match made in heaven. End it as peaceably as you can. I recommend that you do not say you are leaving because of his weight. Just say you are no longer happy and you do not want to work on it, end of story.
Mysterious Mysterious 5 years
Hello all. Once again thanks for all the comments and advices, I understand this is very sensitive subject. As I mentioned before I had try everything to let him know how I feel but he doesn’t seems to understand the gravity of the problem. I spoke to him several times in every possible way, I have been sweet, I have been supportive, I advice him, I encourage him I asked him to do it for himself and many other things. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t do anything. I understand is hard to lose weight but is even harder when nothing is been done. If he put some of his effort and I am sure he can do it, the problem is that he doesn’t want to do it. I had done many of the things many of you already advice me to do but none worked. I am so desperate that I feel there is nothing else for me to do. Unfortunately he has to make the decision and the change for his own good not me. I think is clear that this relationship is not going to work out, we are very different, I set goals and I reach my goals and he doesn’t. Thanks again I appreciate your advices.
Mysterious Mysterious 5 years
Hello all.Once again thanks for all the comments and advices, I understand this is very sensitive subject. As I mentioned before I had try everything to let him know how I feel but he doesn’t seems to understand the gravity of the problem. I spoke to him several times in every possible way, I have been sweet, I have been supportive, I advice him, I encourage him I asked him to do it for himself and many other things. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t do anything. I understand is hard to lose weight but is even harder when nothing is been done. If he put some of his effort and I am sure he can do it, the problem is that he doesn’t want to do it. I had done many of the things many of you already advice me to do but none worked. I am so desperate that I feel there is nothing else for me to do. Unfortunately he has to make the decision and the change for his own good not me. I think is clear that this relationship is not going to work out, we are very different, I set goals and I reach my goals and he doesn’t. Thanks again I appreciate your advices.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
Don't move in with him. It will make the situation so much worse and you won't change him. You can't change him. Losing weight is a tough battle but it is possible. You need to decide if your bf is right for you at this weight. Can you live with that? If you can't, you should leave because he won't change for you, or himself.
misskimberly misskimberly 5 years
I agree with previous posters who have suggested it's best to be supportive and encouraging as opposed to critical and demeaning (not that you were). I have been on the receiving end of weight comments which were very hurtful, so there is a danger there. What I think is useful is making it a team effort and, like others suggested, going to the gym with him or even modifying the way you eat when you're together to something healthier. Once you are in your late twenties it is very hard to lose weight and it really does take a life change and more than just slightly cutting back what you ate or changing what you eat. Losing weight for me is a tooth and nails thing, and because it takes so long to do it is incredibly stressful - having it be less of an ultimatum and more of a supportive thing is important for it to be successful, because it really is such a hard and draining process.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
You can't make someone get motivated to change bad habits. You can try to make suggestions, threats, etc, but the bottom line is, the person has to be motivated to change for his own reasons, not yours. Unfortunately, what happens is that when people start putting on tremendous amounts of weight in their 20's, unless they address it quickly, it just escalates as they get older. The metabolism slows down as you age, and it gets harder and harder to keep the weight off. The guy may be 70 or 80 pounds overweight by the time he is thirty. You just need to tell him that his weight is affecting your relationship, that you are there to give support if he wants to address it, and that is ALL you can do. The rest is up to him. If he chooses to ignore your concerns, this says something in and of itself, and I think you should find someone else.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
You can't make someone get motivated to change bad habits. You can try to make suggestions, threats, etc, but the bottom line is, the person has to be motivated to change for his own reasons, not yours.Unfortunately, what happens is that when people start putting on tremendous amounts of weight in their 20's, unless they address it quickly, it just escalates as they get older. The metabolism slows down as you age, and it gets harder and harder to keep the weight off. The guy may be 70 or 80 pounds overweight by the time he is thirty.You just need to tell him that his weight is affecting your relationship, that you are there to give support if he wants to address it, and that is ALL you can do. The rest is up to him. If he chooses to ignore your concerns, this says something in and of itself, and I think you should find someone else.
goddessru goddessru 5 years
Offer to show him some good habits- go to the gym with him, go walking or hiking, eat good meals together. Ultimately though, if you're not attracted to him and obviously that's an issue for you in the relationship, don't string him along. But when you do cut it off- don't make it about his weight. I think it's more of a lifestlye and self caring thing- would be a nicer way to put it. To tell him you're breaking up because he gained too much weight and you're not attracted to him anymore would be heartbreaking.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Give him a little vacation from the weight discussions. If you are on his case all the time, he doesn't have a chance to form his own ideas about it. It is natural to resist another person when they keep pushing an idea at you. Especially when you know they are right. If you gained 50 pounds, wouldn't he need to tread carefully to avoid hurting your feelings? Focusing on this one flaw too much might seem uncaring. And I know you are trying to communicate exactly the opposite.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Give him a little vacation from the weight discussions. If you are on his case all the time, he doesn't have a chance to form his own ideas about it. It is natural to resist another person when they keep pushing an idea at you. Especially when you know they are right. If you gained 50 pounds, wouldn't he need to tread carefully to avoid hurting your feelings? Focusing on this one flaw too much might seem uncaring. And I know you are trying to communicate exactly the opposite.
vabeachbum vabeachbum 5 years
Unfortunately this is something that he is going to have to do for himself...unless he decides to make some lifestyle changes for his own benefit I do not see the situation changing. That being said... I would try to get him to a doctor especially if the weight gain is fairly sudden. I have a relative who put on A LOT of weight and then found out it was because of diabetes... basically her body never sent out the "I'm full" signal, so she would just eat and eat and eat and never feel full... which of course meant she just kept eating more and gaining more weight. If everything checks out with that, I would try to tap into the male ego a bit... maybe find a marital arts class or something you're interested in and feed him the "I really want to go, but I don't want to be the only girl... maybe if you went with me I'd feel better" line. Yes it's shameless and somewhat demeaning but if it works, I say go with it.
vabeachbum vabeachbum 5 years
Unfortunately this is something that he is going to have to do for himself...unless he decides to make some lifestyle changes for his own benefit I do not see the situation changing. That being said... I would try to get him to a doctor especially if the weight gain is fairly sudden. I have a relative who put on A LOT of weight and then found out it was because of diabetes... basically her body never sent out the "I'm full" signal, so she would just eat and eat and eat and never feel full... which of course meant she just kept eating more and gaining more weight. If everything checks out with that, I would try to tap into the male ego a bit... maybe find a marital arts class or something you're interested in and feed him the "I really want to go, but I don't want to be the only girl... maybe if you went with me I'd feel better" line. Yes it's shameless and somewhat demeaning but if it works, I say go with it.
weffie weffie 5 years
I agree that 50 lbs is significant, especially because of the effect it could have on his health, but just a reminder that you should try to be EXTREMELY sensitive whenever you bring it up to him... Having been on his end of this conversation in the past, I can tell you it seriously rips your heart in half to hear that the person you love doesn't find you attractive anymore. And I'd only gained about 10 lbs (yeah, my ex was an ass lol) so it's probably even more hurtful to him. Just be gentle.
Mysterious Mysterious 5 years
Hello Ladies, Thank you for all the comments and the good advices. It is very hard to deal with this situation especially at such a young age. We’re only 25 years old; if he can’t work on his problem now he will never do. We were thinking on getting an apartment together, for one moment I taught it was a good idea because I could help him by cooking healthy food, but it takes more than just eating healthy food at home. He needs to have de desire of losing weight, to go to the gym and to stop eating the bad things he likes. If we move together and he doesn’t work on his problem I will have to settle with his weight and I don’t think I can do that. This is not only causing me to lose attraction towards him but we don’t even have sex any more only once every other week and it’s not even a good sex because he is so big and I am so much smaller that is uncomfortable. I have tried so many things, I have told him in many ways that he needs to take care of himself but he doesn’t do it. I will do anything to keep my lover happy but he is not doing that, I feel he doesn’t care, he wants me to get used to but I can’t. Is not only for me but I know he doesn’t feel good like that I know that he feels unsecure so why doesn’t he do anything to solve the problem? I love him and that is why we’ve been together for so long, I keep hoping that things are going to change but I don’t know what else to think and to do. Anyways, once again thank you very much all.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 5 years
I'm surprised people didn't jump on you for being honest about this particular issue. A lot of people have brought up similar problems on here (about weight gain) and people tore them apart. The truth is, I can totally empathize. My husband went through a phase where he gained about 50 pounds (and he's not at all a big guy), and it affected our relationship A LOT. It was depressing. It wasn't even so much the weight that interfered with my attraction to him or our sex life, it was the way it changed everything about him. He just lost any drive for life and all his passion. He was like most women are when they gain weight, and just completely lost interest in having sex. It was CRUSHING to me, especially since we'd just gotten married (literally). We did find out, though, that he had some MAJOR hormonal deficiencies and discovered a tumor. He was so deficient in testosterone that his body was going through a borderline sex change!!! He had developed a lump in his breast and everything. His testosterone was a 10th of what MINE is. Not to mention, there were other hormonal deficiencies. It may be nothing that big for your boyfriend, but when my husband started realizing it was a health issue everything turned around. Of course, getting him to get up and take charge of his life and turn things around (even getting him to see a doctor) was a HUGE PAIN IN THE BUTT. But, since he did, he's been back to himself. I can say, though, that as much as Americans view excessive weight gain (even to the point of obesity) as a normal part of life, in my experience it's really not to the rest of the world. It isn't healthy and can understandably affect your relationship. You're not married, which makes it less irking, but I can say that one thing I definitely came to understand when I got married is that when you truly love someone and commit to them, part of that loving responsibility is wanting to take care of yourself so you can be the best you can be for your loved one. Plus, when I found my husband and realized how wonderful he is and how great our lives are and how much I have to be thankful for, I wanted to live the fullest life possible with him, which includes taking care of myself. I especially don't want to end up a burden on him later, if it's at all avoidable. I want us to live happily ever after. Maybe you could express that to him? Maybe you could explain that you want the two of you to be as happy together as possible so you can live fulfilled lives.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 5 years
I'm surprised people didn't jump on you for being honest about this particular issue. A lot of people have brought up similar problems on here (about weight gain) and people tore them apart. The truth is, I can totally empathize. My husband went through a phase where he gained about 50 pounds (and he's not at all a big guy), and it affected our relationship A LOT. It was depressing. It wasn't even so much the weight that interfered with my attraction to him or our sex life, it was the way it changed everything about him. He just lost any drive for life and all his passion. He was like most women are when they gain weight, and just completely lost interest in having sex. It was CRUSHING to me, especially since we'd just gotten married (literally). We did find out, though, that he had some MAJOR hormonal deficiencies and discovered a tumor. He was so deficient in testosterone that his body was going through a borderline sex change!!! He had developed a lump in his breast and everything. His testosterone was a 10th of what MINE is. Not to mention, there were other hormonal deficiencies. It may be nothing that big for your boyfriend, but when my husband started realizing it was a health issue everything turned around. Of course, getting him to get up and take charge of his life and turn things around (even getting him to see a doctor) was a HUGE PAIN IN THE BUTT. But, since he did, he's been back to himself. I can say, though, that as much as Americans view excessive weight gain (even to the point of obesity) as a normal part of life, in my experience it's really not to the rest of the world. It isn't healthy and can understandably affect your relationship. You're not married, which makes it less irking, but I can say that one thing I definitely came to understand when I got married is that when you truly love someone and commit to them, part of that loving responsibility is wanting to take care of yourself so you can be the best you can be for your loved one. Plus, when I found my husband and realized how wonderful he is and how great our lives are and how much I have to be thankful for, I wanted to live the fullest life possible with him, which includes taking care of myself. I especially don't want to end up a burden on him later, if it's at all avoidable. I want us to live happily ever after. Maybe you could express that to him? Maybe you could explain that you want the two of you to be as happy together as possible so you can live fulfilled lives.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 5 years
Very good point. You should need the person because you love them, not love them only because you need them.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 5 years
Very good point. You should need the person because you love them, not love them only because you need them.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Well, I don't blame you for your lack of attraction toward your bf but in a way, I have to point out that you never really love him to begin with. You never once write how much you love him or how you care about him, you just made a point that you got together with him during the time you NEED to be loved and you know how he LOVES you. Those are bad combination to be in a relationship. I strongly suggest you LET HIM GO. So you'll go and meet up guys more your type while he can find himself a gf who loves him truly and really is attracted to him from the beginning, not just someone who accepted him because she needs him in the beginning.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Well, I don't blame you for your lack of attraction toward your bf but in a way, I have to point out that you never really love him to begin with.You never once write how much you love him or how you care about him, you just made a point that you got together with him during the time you NEED to be loved and you know how he LOVES you. Those are bad combination to be in a relationship.I strongly suggest you LET HIM GO. So you'll go and meet up guys more your type while he can find himself a gf who loves him truly and really is attracted to him from the beginning, not just someone who accepted him because she needs him in the beginning.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 5 years
The fact that you aren't married to him helps you out in this situation a lot. You haven't vowed to love him for better or worse yet. I'm not saying you should dump someone when they gain weight, but in your case, it sounds like you've really tried, and if you aren't attracted to him, infidelity is just around the corner. You say you work hard to stay in shape, so you have different lifetyle choices. If I wasn't attracted to my boyfriend anymore, I wouldn't see the point in prolonging the inevitable. I would try and meet someone who takes care of themselves and someone I am attracted to that I can see a long last future with, marriage included.
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