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Breaking Up Because He Doesn't Want to Get Married or Have Kids

Group Therapy: Should We Break Up Because He Doesn't Want to Get Married?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm 25 and my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We were debating something meaningless this past weekend when we both decided we should just drop it because it was ridiculous, and I made the joke, "I know I joke about waiting for a ring, but honestly, I wonder if we're even close to being ready for an engagement!!" He countered with, "Yeah, I know! I don't even think I could live with you!"

We've been talking for about 6 months now about getting our own place and how exciting it would be. I brought the topic up the next day and he maintained that he was being honest, he wants to live on his own. So I brought up the "Our Own Place" line he's used, and he said he meant one of us getting their own place, which would mean that we would have our own space to be alone.

We talked about that for a bit, until he brought up marriage and launched into a speech on how he thinks it's meaningless and he won't ever get married. He said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, but he doesn't believe in marriage so why bother with a ring, a ceremony, and an expensive reception if we're planning on being together anyway. I said that marriage was important to me, that I've dreamt of getting married for a while now because it's an important symbol in religion as well as as a couple.

Read the rest on Group Therapy.

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tangoprincess tangoprincess 5 years
Break up with him now! You can't assume he's going to change his mind when he's told you he's not, and this gives you more time to rebuild your life.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 5 years
i have good news for you: meeting new guys is going to be fun and exciting. and when you find someone you like who likes you too and wants the same things it will be so much sweeter than this. dump him now. there's a slim chance in him crawling back and if it happens hear him out (he might be turned on by your strength and confidence in leaving) but if you dont dump him now i think you'll regret it.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
Why would the news be a men's only forum? Anyways, he's not going to marry you. He's comfotable with you but not going to marry you However, you could always wait another 3-5 years to find out if he does propose but I can guaranteee you that if you do stick around after how he pretty much spelled out that you guys are not on the same page at all you will not be happy. you will constantly be thinking about this. You woul not be foolish to break up with him.
lawdawg08 lawdawg08 5 years
Spacekat, I think the impetus should be on EVERYONE to be polite. And its not just a "woman's forum". Anyone should be able to come here to get advice. Does that mean that ABC News, CNN, CBS and Fox News are fora for men only?
lawdawg08 lawdawg08 5 years
To call this guy immature...is immature. There are a lot of people out there his age and older that don't have the desire to get married. Its his choice, it does not mean that the person is immature. You don't need an elaborate and expensive wedding or a piece of metal to express your love for someone. Its really just pomp and circumstance. However, I do realize that those things are important to some people. And, I also agree that if you want to get married now, and want children now, then you should probably think of other alternatives. At some point most people get bitten by the baby bug and marriage bug and he probably will too. But, then again he may never get the desire to get married or have children and that could be a lot of time wasted if those are things that you definitely want.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I agree, but I'm curious as to why she's just finding out about this 4 years later. I have a feeling he either changed his mind or has always told her this, she just hoped he would change. I'm not saying he should just go along because she wants to, but if he wanted to be with her forever, he would want to do what makes her happy. I can't find the statistics I've read, but I've heard that if he hasn't proposed after 3 years, he'll likely never do it. Readiness is a factor too, read this in Cosmo: “Being ready,” says Gratch (clinical psychologist Alon Gratch, PhD). “In my 25 years of experience working with men as a relationship therapist, it’s 49 percent the right woman, 51 percent his readiness to commit.” That means that compatibility is hugely important. But if he’s not in a marriage mind-set yet, he’s not going to commit to anyone...not even Gisele.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I waited for 5 1/2 years for my ex to propose to me. He knew I had wanted it since day one and he lied to me on and off, saying it would happen and 2 months before HE broke up with me, he had me picking out engaged rings and trying on wedding dresses. If he truly doesn't "believe" in marriage, then it shouldn't matter to him if you get married because it's what YOU want. If you're going to be together forever, why not take the tax breaks and be able to make medical decisions for the other in case of an accident? Something just doesn't sound right about him, there are numerous red flags going up.
misskimberly misskimberly 5 years
He did NOT say he doesnt want a family and doesnt want to be with you. Im not sure why all the posters are attacking him as being immature. It's not immature to feel that marriage is really a useless institution and that two people can have a lifetime commitment without it. I feel the same way, and I'm 31. I don't need a diamond ring and a wasteful ceremony to know someone cares about me or to feel secure they wont abandon me. If you do feel that way, obviously you need to find someone who shares your traditional values.
Torbach Torbach 5 years
Women who prioritize a ring on their finger between 18-26 with men in THAT age range are going to have a select group to choose from. It will be a guy who is desperate for you, or a self absorbed troglodyte. You are either not worth it, or he is not ready, but both are equally plausible. Also from many guys point of view we see the ceremony as overstatement, unnecessary, and even insulting. Why should we "show-off" if we are in love with one-another? Men often avoid showing off...after all showing-off is compensation.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
I agree with pretty much everyone. There is no hope here for you two. I'm sorry, but the sooner you accept it the sooner you can move on and find someone who wants the same things out of life (no waiting 4 years for that convo, though). Besides, even if he did eventually "compromise" (things like kids and marriage should never have to be compromised, by the way... both people need to really want them) do you really want to be the woman who had to twist her boyfriend's arm into marrying her and having kids??
MissSushi MissSushi 5 years
There really is no revisiting on this. He doesn't want those things, and will not want them anytime soon if ever. You want different things, a different life, and have way different ideas about whats important. You need to just walk away now before you waste years of time and emotion on a dead end situation.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I don't think he's giving you a line. But he is being honest. He says he wants to be with you forever but doesn't want to get married. Why is one part of that sentence more believable than the other? People get divorced all the time, marriage is not a garentee of forever. The thing that I find most worrisome is the no child stance. After the holidays I suggest revisiting that. Really important to be on the same page as your partner in that area.
snarkypants snarkypants 5 years
ugh. enough with these ultimatum questions. doesn't anybody have any other problems?
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
Look, he told you how he feel. Waiting for a miraculous change is big risk and who knows, and at the end will be a big waist of your time. And I completely disagree with mallorycurtis, marriage and kids is something that people should not compromise, if they don't want something they shouldn't be force to do it, the same goes for you. Don't waist more of your time on a relationship that has no future.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I have a friend who dated a guy who had a girlfriend for over TWENTY YEARS before her. He gave the 20 year girlfriend all the same lines "I want to be with you forever" "I just don't believe in marriage" "I don't want kids" "We're basically married anyway and it's just a piece of paper." and then left her for my 25 year old friend. (They broke up later too for all the same reasons.) My point is, get out now, before you are 45 and back on the singles scene after 20 years of a lack of real commitment.
Epicdoodle Epicdoodle 5 years
Also after four year if he can't even live with you how do you expect him to be married to you? Anyways hopefully you'll make the right decision :) good luck
allyk717 allyk717 5 years
I disagree with what the guy above said. We don't know how old this guy was. Fact remains you were 21 when you started dating. It's entirely normal to NOT discuss huge issues in the first year. If you're really having doubts you need to get out, but what it comes down to is that no one here on this online community knows your relationship history. So take these suggestions with a grain of salt. It's possible that you threw him off guard with the topic and he spoke out of anger/fear. I think it's a topic that should be revisited before you decide to axe the whole thing. Perhaps on a second, calm round you guys can communicate better and figure out what all of these things mean. If you're still not in agreement or unwilling to compromise? Then yes. It's probably best to move on.
brindey brindey 5 years
This is a terrible, terrible time to do this but the girls are right. You want different things. Every wedding you get invited to, every engagement you hear about, and every couple moving in together will remind you of what he doesn't want with you- and that is going to hurt you a lot. I think you are really responsible talking openly and honestly about it, and not issuing ultimatums. And you must love each other, and I feel really badly for you. But I promise you will find someone awesome who does want to wake up to you every morning, wait for you at the end of the aisle, and fight over furniture with you. I am so sorry, and try to be good to yourself this holiday.
Epicdoodle Epicdoodle 5 years
As long as your with him you might never get married, and reading your post it seems like marriage is important to you. Don't wait around for something that will or will not happen. If you give up on something thats important to you because of someone else you'll start to regret it later on and this will put as strain on your relationship. Its been 4 year, if he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with you he would have already proposed, especially if he knows that marriage is something important to you. Theres no point waiting around when clearly the two of you want different thing out of life. Don't force him into doing something he doesn't want to do and you don't have to give up on marriage just because he doesn't want to get married. In my opinion I think its best that both of you separate and find a partner that wants the same things as you and can make you happy.
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