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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Dear Sugar
I live with my boyfriend of a year and a half. We are trying to mend our relationship after he was unfaithful with my former best friend. When I found out about his infidelity, he told me he was in love her. I was beyond devastated but I begged him to give our relationship one more try.

Lately I have realized that this incident has changed me into someone I really don't like. I have become very angry and am always picking fights with my boyfriend. He has been very vocal about my behavior but I can't seem to stop myself. I love him so much but am afraid my bitchy ways are going to push him away. I feel trapped, what do I do? Angry Alyssa

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Angry Alyssa
I give you credit for trying to work out your relationship with the man you love, but it sounds like his infidelity has taken a real toll on you. Do you trust your boyfriend now that you've found out that he's cheated on you? Is he still in love with your former friend? I understand you want this relationship to work, but isn't your gut telling you to run for the hills?

If you are not happy with the person you have become - then make a change! Perhaps you should take a break from your boyfriend for a while and get yourself strong and centered again. Holding onto a one sided relationship is bound to leave you with a broken heart. You say you love him but you need to love yourself more.

You are most likely picking fights with him for attention because deep down, you know he isn't giving you his all. Your anger could be stemming from unresolved feelings from his infidelity, we all know that cheating with your best friend is not something to take lightly. If you decide to stay together, I recommend couples therapy to help you both manage and release your anger.

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Join The Conversation
RCLdesigngirl RCLdesigngirl 9 years
The truth of the matter here is that the infidelity changed your relationship forever. Your trust has been violated, and that will always dull your perception of him. If you find that you do not like the person you are when you're around him, you should re-evaluate things. I know that you love him, but the person you really love is the man you were with before he cheated. Once he did that, you realized he was not the person you thought he was, and that's why this is so hard for you. Your relationship with this man will never be like it was before he was unfaithful. You have to ask yourself if you're willing to live with that, and if you really think you can be happy with that decision.
lolak lolak 9 years
Oh my!!!! first of all this relationship has been long over honey! sorry to tell you, but staying with him was your biggest mistake. Even if he was the last man on earth what comes first is your dignity and you have helped him step all over it by begging him to stay with you! You need to move on and let him go, he's just going to end up leaving regardless of what you do at this point. Even if you hide what you really feel and act like all is well he has already bailed out and you would do yourself a favor to go with the dignity you have left in you. For all you know he is still seeing her or someone else and is only with you out of pity, save yourself now and find what is meant for ONLY YOU. I'm sorry this happened to you, I've been there too and it was no picnic, I was devastated and cried ONE night and then I never cried again cause I knew I deserved better. I always prayed that if things between us were meant to be that they be blessed and well and if they weren't then I asked God to give me the courage to accept it, make me stronger and move on. Godd luck with this
L7amiguita L7amiguita 9 years
I really don't think there is anyway to forgive him. He is in Love with someone else...there is nothing to forgive. You need to move on and leave this jerk.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
I agree that you deserve someone better that you know is truly going to love only you. How long has it been? When you asked him to stay that was pretty much saying hey I forgive you. But a part of forgiveness is forgetting. If you cant seem to let that anger go, its not going to work out and you should save yourself more heartache and leave him out to dry now. If you keep this going and the anger doesnt subsided and it "pushes him away" the break up is going to feel like your fault when its not at all. This is all his fault and it should in no way be the on ur shoulders. Take a step back and think about it seriously if you really love this man you have to let this go but if you cant and your not going to trust him then you should do your self a favor as much as it may hurt and let go.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 9 years
The only thing that stood out to me was that he said he "was in love with your bestfriend!" Why on God's green earth would you want to stay with a man who is in love with someone else? He cheated on you and you are begging HIM to stay? You DESERVE to be with someone who is "head over heels" for you, not your bestfriend. You need to break up with him NOW. Sorry, but when someone is not in love with you, there is no working through that. It will be hard at first, trust me, but time really does heal all wounds. You WILL find someone else. The only positive thing was that he was honest about loving your bestfriend. Get rid of him and her and embrace what the future holds for you. Leave him and move on with your life...he is only going to hurt you more.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
he told you he was in love with someone else and you begged him to come back. well i can see where that would leave you with some hard feelings and a bruised ego, i think some anger is appropriate. if your "best friend" cheated on you and your boyfriend had to be guilt tripped into continuing the relationship i'd say you have some boundary issues. ask yourself why you have people in your life that treat you so poorly? if you have a history of family dysfunction there might be a pattern that is worth exploring. i think counseling at this point might be helpful. it's almost a new year; a good time to make a new start. you deserve better than feeling bad about yourself and worrying about trusting those close to you. i'm bringing naughty back :naughty_elves:
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