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Breakups are the Worst

Dear Sugar
I need some uplifting words. I was in a relationship with the love of my life for a year. He was mildly abusive but I loved him so much I would have done anything for him. We did the make up break up thing a few times until he left me for good and now I am utterly crushed.

I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings and my thoughts are consumed with everything him. I wish I could remember what it was like before I knew him, before my spirit was bruised. While I am home crying, he is out drinking and hanging out with out mutual friends who no longer talk to me.

I have had opportunities to date men that seem extremely kind, but I just can't imagine being with anyone else, it just feels so forced, yet I am struggling being by myself. I don't know why I love someone who has been so cruel to me. I am hoping you have some words of wisdom to help me get through this time. Wounded Winnie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Wounded Winnie
I am sorry you are hurting. It sounds like the end of your relationship was a long time coming and although love can be blind, try to remember that abuse, no matter how severe is never OK. Breakups are extremely painful and any way you slice it, they stink, but try to remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you have a friend you can confide in and spend time with when you are lonely? Do whatever makes you feel good and keep busy. Time is an amazing healer and the only thing that will make your pain go away. There is nothing wrong with not being ready to date, again that will take time, but don't kid yourself by thinking this abusive man is the only one for you. Be strong, keep your chin up, and lean on your friends and family, that's what they are there for!

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honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I know its hard to move on after such a crushing blow. You did everything to make this relationship work and in the end he still left you. And you probably feel powerless because he ended the relationship even though he was abusive. You gotta look at this as a positive. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't treat you like you deserve? You are a good person and you were a good girlfriend to him. He's the one who lost here not you. Until you meet the right man who will make you happy you gotta love yourself and treat yourself right. And expect nothing less from anyone. Try to keep your mind as busy as possible. Start taking care of yourself. And try to find true friends who will stand by you no matter what. We're here for you!
martini-queenie martini-queenie 9 years
It is one thing to let yourself feel sadness in these situations, but it sounds to me like you are wallowing in the painful past rather than looking towards the future. Why are you staying at home crying? How long have you been doing this? In my personal breakup philosophy, I allow myself a day or two to be sad, but then make myself get back into life full force. Maybe not dating, but exercising, going out, and planning for my new future. I'm a huge cheerleader for volunteering as well; it will get your mind off your own problems and give you an opportunity to meet new people! Chin up, buttercup. Life goes on.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Repeat after me: I am worth something, and the love of my life will not be someone who abuses me. My heart goes out to you after reading your letter. You seem to be suffering from extremely low self-esteem and that would compound the sadness of any breakup. I think that before you jump into another relationship, you need to do some serious work at finding yourself and becoming a complete person in your own right. Only then will you find true love. If you don't start getting out of bed and living your life, you will continue to feel worse. It's a bad spiral. I know it's not easy, and you should seek help if you find you are continuing to have problems performing basic daily chores/tasks. You WILL make it through. Like everyone else said, it just takes time and there is nothing you can do to speed it up. Wish there were...
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 9 years
You have to go on with your life. You are smarter, wiser, more experienced, and better now that you have gone through this. You have to take what knowing him has taught you and move on with your life. Time will prove this to be a good thing. Trust me! You also sound a bit depressed and/or really insecure, like he was all you had going for you. You have so much more. I think you need to reach out to friends/family for help, maybe a professional. You don't need to be alone. Sometimes we need a little PUSH to get out of a rut. Just know that you aren't alone. People feel the same way every day, and it eventually passes for everyone. Take care of yourself.
Lindsb Lindsb 9 years
I know how you feel Winnie.. you've just got to think about who you are and who you want to be.. (WITHOUT thinking about who you were with him). You did exist, happily, before him and most definitely will now that he's out of your life. Get back to the basics and spend some time reconnecting with yourself.. love yourself before trying to move forward. There's not a painless way of breaking up - ever, what you are feeling is normal. I hope it gets better soon.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 9 years
Consider this a blessing Wounded Winnie. You got out of an abusive relationship, instead of MARRYING him. You would have been miserable! Believe me. Now you are free from his abusive ways...many girls aren't that fortunate. Embrace what life is going to throw at you next...you'll meet someone who will think you are the greatest person in the world. He will take care of you and make you smile, not cry. You will go through the whole, "beginning to know you" stage with this man, and you WON'T settle for anything less. Really think about how you are no longer with this "man" (if you can call him that) and how much better off you are. You weren't happy with him and I think deep down you know that. Trust me, once you find the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, you'll REALLY know what happy means. :) I hope you get through this, because life is too short to waste your time on your ex. Take care and be happy! :)
nicachica nicachica 9 years
can anyone follow the great advice Grl in the World just gave??? :) i won't even try but i'll just say that i feel your pain because i went through something similar a few years ago. trust me, it WILL get better. Give yourself time and try and distract yourself. good luck!
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
Wounded Winnie, I feel bad that you are going through this hard time, but remember you will get past it. Have you considered that your ex-boyfriends abusive may be what is making you feel so worthless and that it is what is keeping you from pursueing guys who would treat you better? A lot of abusive guys like to build themselves up by tearing down your self esteem, and after a year you probably started to believe some of the things he was telling you. He also probably told you that he was the best you would ever have and that without him you would always be alone. He said those things so that you wouldn't break up with him, and so that when he finally broke it off with you (at his convenience) he would still have the upper hand and feel powerful. So basically he has you in a negative thought pattern and it's time for you to talk to a therapist about changing those thoughts. Obviously you are a fun and lovable person, you said you have had oportunities to date again but have turned them down. You have to start taking nice guys up on their offer to go out. This guy was NOT "the love of your life", he only made you think he was. The real love of your life would want to protect you from pain and would never have treated you as your ex did. Also, your so called mutual friends are not worth two thoughts if they sided with him in the breakup, you'll make new friends and go on to live a fabulous life without these cruel and thoughtless people. So get some help with your depression, go out there and meet some great guys, and make yourself available to meeting new friends, there is a wonderful future waiting for you.
kittycat kittycat 9 years
make a list of all the reasons why u guys broke up, fought, and all his weaknesses and flaws. this should turn u off no matter how much u love him. think of the times where he hurted u etc..am saying think of him only negatively. that should speed up the process. in the meantime, also nurture urself and focus ur energy on u. go out with ur girls, eat wotever u want. how can anybody love a man who abuses u?
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