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Busted! - I Found My Boyfriend's Porn Stash

Busted! - I Found My Boyfriend's Porn Stash

Dear Sugar
I just found a folder filled with pornographic pictures of Asian girls in my boyfriend's computer. I'm already openly and admittedly insecure, so finding this stash has only made me feel fat, ugly and bad about my self image.

I know that it's normal for guys to have porn, but I hate the way it makes me feel. Am I psychotic if I ask him to get rid of it? What should I do? I don't want to seem too controlling. Horrified Helena

Dear Horrified Helena
Just to give you a little bit of perspective let me "guy-speak" for a moment.

Men don't understand why girls freak out about porn. They think that no matter what - you won't be able to stop them from thinking about other chicks; all you can hope to do is contain them.

They see the porn as a release. It's not a slight to you, and it doesn't mean that they have any desire to cheat on you. It's just fun - and guys like to "sin with themselves".

On the other hand, seeing as I am a woman, I understand, but I don't agree. When I find porn it looks like this big flashing sign to me, I think, "oh gross!"

Porn should only be used as an arousal tool for couples. When guys are sneaking it alone, I view it as an offensive objectification of women and it makes me feel like I'm failing at being able to satisfy my own man.

But for arguments sake - guys and gals need to agree to disagree on this one. Men are either going to hide it from you or be honest with you about it - but all guys do it. And any one who says that they don't, is lying.

So ladies, I am sorry to say, this is likely one battle not worth fighting. Setting limits is OK, but demanding that he go cold turkey is like trying to keep Paris Hilton out of the tabloids - it just ain't happening.

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Join The Conversation
Kratsina Kratsina 9 years
I don't understand why women get so upset over this. Unless the porn is morally objectionable (children, animals, unwilling partners ) I haven't a problem with anyone viewing it, male or female. I only think that if it's in your house and you have children or young adults in your home, it should be locked away.
J-Dunk J-Dunk 9 years
I dont mind if my man watches porn or has any. As long as it doesnt take away from us being able to get intimate.
PoohBare PoohBare 9 years
When my hubby and I started dating he had a whole drawer full of porn mags that he had been given from a friend who just got married. When we were moving in together before getting married, he asked me if I wanted him to get rid of them. I said "no, I might want to read them." He got rid of them pronto, LOL! Men are visual creatures and looking at porn has nothing to do with their partners. I don't take it personally because he and I both know that those chicks wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole in real life.
PoohBare PoohBare 9 years
IMCurly - me too!
chinycjo chinycjo 9 years
I like to pick on my husband about it since I first found his stash in a folder marked "US Census Graphs" - hahahaha. He's never lived that one down. Everyone's got their "thing" and like most guys, he enjoys porn. So? Of course, if he was looking at some twisted/violent/creepy porn there'd be issues. But large nasty fake-breasted women... whatever. I find them disgusting. He finds them a turn on. To each their own. There's also the issue of those nasty fake-breasted women turning him on in photos, even though he'd find them nasty in real life. It's much the same way that the idea of exhibitionism turns me on, but when I've actually tried to go through with anything remotely risky... I freeze up. Fantasy and real life can be two completely different things, and sometimes that's for the best :)
colormesticky colormesticky 9 years
I think my husband is far more repulsed by my collection of Disney movies than I am of his porn stash. I'm just glad he doesn't watch cannibal movies or something.
lacoste1 lacoste1 9 years
I'm not going to lie; I snoop. If I found porn in my b/f's closet, you can bet I'd say something about it.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 9 years
She ended up having 4 pups~ oh and the whole 'porn' thing., what makes it disgusting on either male or female, I'm not dude bashing, is when one or the other sneaks and hides and lies to see it or do it or watch it, that's when it's just plain nasty~and makes the one hiding look so desparate, couples should be upfront and honest about everything or not be a couple at all, cause everything surfaces eventually and then you'll just be left with, 'damn I wasted my time.......again..'
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
Bonkers and some other posters, regardless of how you feel about the porn thing, your boyfriend's role isn't to make you feel pretty. You have a right to set standards for you own relationships, but I think it's pretty silly to be threatened by porn or your man's use of it. He's not watching porn because your sex is bad or he thinks you're ugly. He's watching porn because, well, sometimes (generally, at least once a day), men need release. It helps them relax when they're stressed out. Now if you were there and up for quickies whenever he wants it, he'd probably use a lot less porn. Your function in life isn't to please him so let the porn serve it's function. Now if he's watching porn all day or needs it to climax, THEN you have a problem. All you know really is that he has porn. Again, I look at porn (the tame stuff, no midgets, trannies, rape scenes, etc). Sadly, it is how men learn to have sex, and watching porn in a casual way (just like watching Oprah or Dateline) while commenting on things that are simply wrong technique wise can help men unlearn some of the stuff they've learned through porn.
MissSixty1 MissSixty1 9 years
Well we are all human, we all get horny...many of us watch and look at porno, its normal, ...but if it makes you uncomfortable then tell him about it for sure.... : )
FB1977 FB1977 9 years
Aww Jamie, how cute!!
snowflake snowflake 9 years
Jamie, if she keeps looking at her behind, she is not done. You need to watch her for atleast 2 hours. My josie had 12 puppies on her firrst litter and it tok thw whole day. Bless you and your new babies.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 9 years
Hey anubiss01~ what's up hun? My german shepard has had 4 puppies tongight so far....well now that it's 1:20 a.m., I guess it would make their birthday yesterday, cause it was around 11:00 p.m. they are sooooooooooooo cute!!! I'm pretty sure she's done cause it's been awhile now...
snowflake snowflake 9 years
JennyJen, they are our speechless children. They give us so mush unconditional love. My heart is with you too!
JennyJen2 JennyJen2 9 years
Anubiss01 - your lovely cooper was a very lucky dog and you will get through this. I completelyunderstand how tough it is to lose a loved pet. We just had the death of my teenage/adult life pet that was my sister/parents dog not to long ago and we are all still grieving him. He was 13 and was honestly a part of our family. Pets are very important!
snowflake snowflake 9 years
Thank you cine_lover!
snowflake snowflake 9 years
Oh, my husband saids that is a first.
snowflake snowflake 9 years
You all are the best. I don't know what to say. i am rerally speechless.
snowflake snowflake 9 years
Thank you JennnV, need to change my avartar pic back because the pic upsets me even more, I just wantedd yal to see was a beautiful baby I loved soo mush. I could not figure out how to upload them to the site.
cine_lover cine_lover 9 years
anubiss think of all the wonderful time you had with him. He was blessed to have you!
JennaV JennaV 9 years
You don't have to explain anything anu....I have lost dogs and of course am devastated. I don't understand how anyone could not understand the love you felt for your baby and the grief that comes with the loss. Cooper was beautiful! He was very lucky to be rescued by you.
snowflake snowflake 9 years
I just hate it Princsspixie. He died at 6 years old. I will get strong soon.
PrincessPixie PrincessPixie 9 years
Oh Anubiss im so glad you found him! whenever i'm struck by grief i always think 'Its better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all' hugs to you!
snowflake snowflake 9 years
If anyone cares, Cooper was 1 year old when we adopted him, he was 30 pounds (very underweight for a golden.) had bald patches all over his body, and scars around his neck from a tight chain. I swear to god. His original name was prozak(that drug) I changed his name of course. to Gary Cooper. So if anyone can see why it is taking me along time to get over this, thank you. And thanks for being so many nice ears out there.
snowflake snowflake 9 years
Just wanted yal to see a pic of my Cooper that passed away.
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