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Can You Call "Dibs" on a Guy?

Group Therapy: Can You Call "Dibs" on a Guy?

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My friend and I have joined a softball league together, not only to be active and have fun, but to make friends and meet people. We are both single, though she has been single for a lot longer than I have. There is this one guy that it turns out we are both attracted to, and when we first saw him she initially called “dibs” (well, not literally, it was more like “ooh he’s cute!” in a hushed whisper and I agreed).

I’m not saying that either of us has a chance, but what would happen in a situation such as this if the guy turned out to be interested in me, and not her? Would I have to tell him "thanks, but no thanks" just because she expressed her interest in him first, even though I’m interested too?


Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Source: Flickr User laura padgett

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dexaholic dexaholic 6 years
Joe, my dog's name is Dexter, so I call myself a Dexaholic!Thanks for all the advice everyone! It's really nice to know that I'm not crazy for thinking she is being unreasonable. I will keep an eye on how things go, and if this keeps up, or I feel she's not treating me with the respect I deserve, then I'll have to break it off.
dexaholic dexaholic 6 years
Joe, my dog's name is Dexter, so I call myself a Dexaholic! Thanks for all the advice everyone! It's really nice to know that I'm not crazy for thinking she is being unreasonable. I will keep an eye on how things go, and if this keeps up, or I feel she's not treating me with the respect I deserve, then I'll have to break it off.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
No matter what happens with the guy, bail on the friend....she sounds like a bitch. If the guy is interested in you and ask you out, date him. If she dumps you as a friend, you have lost nothing.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
No matter what happens with the guy, bail on the friend....she sounds like a bitch. If the guy is interested in you and ask you out, date him. If she dumps you as a friend, you have lost nothing.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
Dexaholic (What does dexaholic mean? You love numbers?), If it is not worth losing her as a friend over this, then that answers your question. But you are right, you have to keep watching her, and see if she does other things that show that she is too childish to be a close friend. It is important to distinguish fair-weather friends from friends, good friends, close friends, and best buddies. She may turn out to be only a fair-weather friend, which is fine. But do not let a fair-weather friend influence who you date and do not date. Keep an eye on her, find out if she is a fair-weather friend, etc., and then treat her that way.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
Dexaholic (What does dexaholic mean? You love numbers?),If it is not worth losing her as a friend over this, then that answers your question. But you are right, you have to keep watching her, and see if she does other things that show that she is too childish to be a close friend. It is important to distinguish fair-weather friends from friends, good friends, close friends, and best buddies. She may turn out to be only a fair-weather friend, which is fine. But do not let a fair-weather friend influence who you date and do not date. Keep an eye on her, find out if she is a fair-weather friend, etc., and then treat her that way.
dexaholic dexaholic 6 years
The funny thing about all this is that, like I said before, he hasn't shown any interest in either of us, aside from being friendly. Joe, to answer your question, no, I don't think this is worth losing her friendship over. At least not this time. But if she continues to be like this then I might have to reconsider.
dexaholic dexaholic 6 years
The funny thing about all this is that, like I said before, he hasn't shown any interest in either of us, aside from being friendly.Joe, to answer your question, no, I don't think this is worth losing her friendship over. At least not this time. But if she continues to be like this then I might have to reconsider.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
wow. Amazing how childish your friend is. Uh, yeah, next time, tell her that all is fair in love and war if she threatened you again. Geez. The guy isn't even showing any interest in either of you and she already acts nuts, how can you be friend with someone like that anyway? That doesn't sound like a good friend at all, imho. If I were you, I won't even bother with people like that. There are traits in people (as potential mate or friend) that I consider as dealbreakers, and that's one of them.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
wow. Amazing how childish your friend is. Uh, yeah, next time, tell her that all is fair in love and war if she threatened you again.Geez. The guy isn't even showing any interest in either of you and she already acts nuts, how can you be friend with someone like that anyway? That doesn't sound like a good friend at all, imho. If I were you, I won't even bother with people like that. There are traits in people (as potential mate or friend) that I consider as dealbreakers, and that's one of them.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
Your friend sounds like a jerk for the whole 'if you hesitate then the friendship is over thing.' If you like the guy and he likes you (and not her), then she needs to just get over it instead of being petty and jealous. If she really is willing to throw away your friendship over something so petty, then perhaps she was not such a good friend to begin with? Good luck with everything.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, No, it does not give her veto power over who you ae allowed to be interested in, and who is allowed to be interested in you. This may come down to you making a choice, either him or her. She sounds rather shallow and insecure. But the worst result of all of this would be that nothing would develop between him and you, and you could lose her as a friend in the meantime. Is it worth losing her as a friend over all of this? I think it may be, but I am curious as to what you think.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, No, it does not give her veto power over who you ae allowed to be interested in, and who is allowed to be interested in you. This may come down to you making a choice, either him or her. She sounds rather shallow and insecure. But the worst result of all of this would be that nothing would develop between him and you, and you could lose her as a friend in the meantime. Is it worth losing her as a friend over all of this? I think it may be, but I am curious as to what you think.
Lyv Lyv 6 years
Well yeah, I think there's such a thing as a friendly dibs when you *humbly* let your girls know you're really into this guy and would like to have a shot at making the first move first. But the way your friend did it, actually threatening to end the friendship over a guy she's barely got a chance with, is just not right.... not to mention it sounds so desperate and insecure. My friends and I don't really have that problem because we don't mind hooking up with each other's past hook-ups, sometimes they even help make it happen LOL. Of course serious relationships are the exceptions, but you don't risk a good friendship because of exceptions. Sisters before misters! (:
dexaholic dexaholic 6 years
(they really need to find a way to allow the original poster to comment anonymously in group therapy... but since I can't, I guess I have to take credit for this post, as embarrassing as I may find it, especially since my friend and I are 30 year old woman, and not 16 year old girls!)Here's an update: My friend and I were playing in a softball tournament this weekend, and the guy in question happened to be there. When he saw me (I was standing up, she was sitting on a picnic table hidden by people) he came over and said "hey! You made it to today!" I forget what I said, something about the first team forefitting, then she got up and talked for a second before he had to go back.So my friend and I decided it was time to warm up before our game, and we went to throw the ball around. She came out and asked me what I would do if he turned out to be interested in me and not her. I hesitated, then said "I don't know. I know what I would like to do, but I don't think I would go for him because you like him". She then said "I knew it. You hesitated. If you do, that's friendship over. Over!" and I reassured her that I wouldn't. And she said "good, cause I called dibs, and I didn't think you liked him". I told her I did, I just didn't go on about it like she did. And part of the reason I didn't say much about it was because I knew she'd react like that. I'm not saying that there is any way he could or would be interested in me, but part of me thinks she is being unreasonable. Just because she said he was cute first and is far more vocal about her attraction to him, does that mean that I am automatically out of play? This is all so knew to me! I know she has been single a lot longer than me, and I've only been single for 4 months (after coming out of a 14 year relationship), but does that give her veto power over who I am allowed to be interested in, and who is allowed to be interested in me?Obviously this is all hypothetical because it will never happen, but what if it did. He is genuinely a really nice guy, with a great attitude that is also really, really nice to look at. I would be ecstatic if he liked her and wouldn't begrudge her a thing. But she would end our friendship over it?
dexaholic dexaholic 6 years
(they really need to find a way to allow the original poster to comment anonymously in group therapy... but since I can't, I guess I have to take credit for this post, as embarrassing as I may find it, especially since my friend and I are 30 year old woman, and not 16 year old girls!) Here's an update: My friend and I were playing in a softball tournament this weekend, and the guy in question happened to be there. When he saw me (I was standing up, she was sitting on a picnic table hidden by people) he came over and said "hey! You made it to today!" I forget what I said, something about the first team forefitting, then she got up and talked for a second before he had to go back. So my friend and I decided it was time to warm up before our game, and we went to throw the ball around. She came out and asked me what I would do if he turned out to be interested in me and not her. I hesitated, then said "I don't know. I know what I would like to do, but I don't think I would go for him because you like him". She then said "I knew it. You hesitated. If you do, that's friendship over. Over!" and I reassured her that I wouldn't. And she said "good, cause I called dibs, and I didn't think you liked him". I told her I did, I just didn't go on about it like she did. And part of the reason I didn't say much about it was because I knew she'd react like that. I'm not saying that there is any way he could or would be interested in me, but part of me thinks she is being unreasonable. Just because she said he was cute first and is far more vocal about her attraction to him, does that mean that I am automatically out of play? This is all so knew to me! I know she has been single a lot longer than me, and I've only been single for 4 months (after coming out of a 14 year relationship), but does that give her veto power over who I am allowed to be interested in, and who is allowed to be interested in me? Obviously this is all hypothetical because it will never happen, but what if it did. He is genuinely a really nice guy, with a great attitude that is also really, really nice to look at. I would be ecstatic if he liked her and wouldn't begrudge her a thing. But she would end our friendship over it?
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I agree with skigurl.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I agree with skigurl.
cotedazur cotedazur 6 years
I have NEVER understood this concept, nor that of not going out with friends' exes (except for that very sensitive period immediately post-break-up). If you and the guy have a mutual attraction, why would your friend want you to be unhappy and alone? If the guy doesn't like her, what claim does she have on him?
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
No, you cannot call dibs on a person, and you have every right to go after him if he expressed an interest. You're not in middle school anymore, and you cannot claim people.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
if your friend had outright said "oh he's cute" and then made any attempt at all to build a connection with this guy, and in any way possible indicated that she would appreciate if you would let her do her thing and not try to also woo the guy, then yes, her dibs would be okay but from what she said (saying he's cute, ending the conversation) i don't think she has dibs, and whoever has a connection should pursue it
skigurl skigurl 6 years
if your friend had outright said "oh he's cute" and then made any attempt at all to build a connection with this guy, and in any way possible indicated that she would appreciate if you would let her do her thing and not try to also woo the guy, then yes, her dibs would be okaybut from what she said (saying he's cute, ending the conversation) i don't think she has dibs, and whoever has a connection should pursue it
Miss-Infamous Miss-Infamous 6 years
NO! People are not objects you can call dibs on thats ridiculous. I agree with the above poster there has to be some sort of mutual attraction/chemistry www.theinfamouslife.com
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