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Can't Get Over a Breakup

"How Do I Move On After a Breakup?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

First I would like to say that I'm very hurt that my boyfriend broke up with me. I can't even describe how I'm feeling right now. I feel alone, scared, bored, hurt, confused, sad, angry, anxious and more! He says that he wants space and he keeps acting like he wants nothing to do with me. Even though I love him, I want to show him that I don't need him. I don't know how to move on. We were together for almost three years. This isn't an easy thing to get over. We spent so much time together. How do I transition from being with someone 24/7 for almost three years, to spending all my time alone?

I keep wondering what he's doing and if he's thinking about me, when I should be worrying about myself. I keep wanting to call and text him because that's what I'm so used to doing. I'm just having a bad time adjusting to this. I want to move on but I don't know how! I don't remember how it is to be single because it's been so long, and I don't know how to show men that I'm available. I'm just anxious about dating. I'm 22 years old and I need to live my life. I don't like the way I feel right now. I lost so much of myself in this relationship. How do I recover from all of this?

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
You need to respect your hurt, let it work itself out as you busy yourself with other things. And do not date until you're truly into some other guy, not just running away from loneliness. This sounds like your first big break up and I'm so sorry. Hopefully your last too -- that's very possible. But this is probably one of the biggest heartaches you'll experience in your life and deserves solid respect. The person who has the ability to take their mind completely off a recent ex-boyfriend either wasn't that into them, has something they could sell and retire off of immediately, or they're inhaling substances that will only create problems of their own. It's not reasonable to expect of anyone. Cutting off your feelings, they'll pop up again in terrible ways like Whack A Mole. When I went through my first break up I rebounded about six months later. He was very handsome, sexy, kind and fun. But I wasn't that into him, not like my ex. The heart will not be fooled. The break up with rebound guy was ugly and I ran to another state to get away (I wasn't in danger, just the best boundary I could come up with). That was a very long time ago and he still is hurt over my lack of caring for him and how I ended it, and I all I have are apologies. Don't use someone else, so tempting right now though to mask the pain. The reality is you'll be dragging the ouch of this around for a long time. If you really loved him it will be for the rest of your life, although the emotions won't be invasive and they'll acquire a sweet quality over time as you look back and probably realize how lucky you are you are with your someone else. I'm not advocating make him your new religion though. You *need* to meet new people based on your interests and passions. The fact you have no one else to turn to is probably a sign of your past relationship's (really your) weakness, you were overly dependent upon him. Write a list of all the things you enjoy. Not what you think you should enjoy, but really makes you happy. And start doing them. Do them with others whenever possible. And I promise, you will fall in love again. Nature built you for the task and nature always wins.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 3 years
Give yourself some TLC right now. You need to let yourself feel all of these emotions and do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. Hang out with friends, hire a DVD and order your favorite take away food. Be really good to yourself, be your own best friend and focus on taking care of you. Right now I know how much it sucks and how much it hurts, but remember it is something everyone goes through, and it will take some time to heal from this. I agree with what Henna said, you really do need to make the focus completely about yourself!! and don't try to make him see what he has lost, because that never works. Trust me it makes it harder if you start to think about proving points to him about how much you don't need him and how much of HIS loss it is. You just need to take your mind off him completely and make this about you and your recovery and your life getting better. I hope this helps you in some way.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Well, first, you've suffered a loss, and that hurts, and it's going to hurt for a while. Losing someone from your life, whether it's a breakup or a death, the loss of a friendship, requires mourning. And that's the hard part...letting yourself feel all of those feelings....the anger, the frustration, the pain, the confusion, that sense of abandonment. This is a time when friends and family support can be very important....you need to vent, to cry, to lean on other people. Just because you're not spending all of your time with him doesn't mean you can't spend time with people, other people who care about you and will listen, and commiserate. Listen, girl, you're not available right now.....you're not emotionayl disconnected from your ex yet......and it's much too soon to start thinking of being available. Hooking up, or dating right now is not fair to yourself, or to any man you go out with. And it's really not a good distraction....that's what dating now would be, a distraction from the pain of rejection. Now is the time for you to focus on you, and who you are....not who you are as part of a couple, but who you are in your life, right here and right now. Learning how to be single again, takes some time, and when you're recovering from a breakup, it's completely natural to feel like your floundering, and can't find your footing. It takes a refocusing on your part, an intentional decision to stop thinking about what your relationship was, and how your ex is doing. This is something you do gradually, after you've wallowed a bit in those feelings of loss....after you've listened to angry and sad music, and eaten the Haagen Daz, and cried in your pillow and on your friends' shoulders....after you've mourned this loss, you start to turn your attention away from the pain, and refocus. This is when a good workout can help....maybe a new gym or a new class....I usually recommend something very new and very physical, to get those endorphins going and to engage your mind in a totally different way....boxing or some kind of martial arts or self defense can be great, because it gives you an outlet for all of that intense emotion. A a new class or gym can introduce you to new people, new friends or acquaintances. A makeover is a great idea.....a new haircut.....a new look and feel. One thing you need to do is to stop focusing on showing your ex anything. You need to learn to do without him for yourself....not to prove to him that he's losing something great in his life. This focus is about you, not him. And that also takes some real intention and work.....it's hard to get past that anger and hurt, but ultimately, he's decided, for whatever reason, that he can't make this work, and it doesn't matter how wonderful you were to him....he's made another choice and you need to respect that, for your own sanity. I'm sorry you're hurting so much....it's a feeling like no other....losing your primary relationship....it just sucks! Finding yourself spinning and angry and resenting, and aching....we all go through it, and that's one reason it's so good to lean on family and friends now....because everyone has been through it at some point, so everyone knows, on some level, what you're going through. Good luck girl. Hold tight to yourself, and don't feel like you can't wail and rage and punch the couch. The sun will come up, and you'll feel like it shouldn't, that you don't want to face that new day, but each day you face it makes it easier to face the next, and the next. take good care, blessed be
Sherrilee Sherrilee 3 years
This is a bad time. Believe me you'll come out of it. It seems as if you are all alone . However if you try to move on you'll make friends and meet other guys. Get therapy if you don't have friends to take you out. That'll get you over the bad part. Sometimes a therapy group with other people helps. You'll come out of this bad alone time but sometimes it takes time. Maybe you can do things to make yourself feel better. Try a makeover, a new hairdo. Good luck.
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