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Caught My Boyfriend on Escort Websites

"My Boyfriend Lies About Escorts and Doesn't Trust Me"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

So I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years, and we have a one-year-old together. Things were great before we had my daughter. He somewhat changed when I found out I was pregnant. Anyways, before all of this I found a text message to a girl that he wants to have sex with who was an escort.

Let's fast-forward now: it seems as if since my daughter came into our lives things aren't how they use to be, which I understand after having a baby. So the night of my baby's birth he found out I activated my Facebook again. I denied it, but he caught me in that lie. Yes, I was wrong for lying about it but I didn't think he would have gotten so uptight about it. I just wanted to let the world know I was having a baby. So he forced me to give him my password, which I did, and he snooped and read some messages I had with a friend about how fun it was hanging out when I was single (way before my guy now). He freaked out about the message thinking I was reminiscing about the past, when it was just a message about how it was cool we hung out as friends. Yes, we got drunk at a friend's and kissed. My guy flipped. 

That's where I want to start now. After that whole ordeal, things were OK, and he wasn't really a dad figure much. He smokes weed and goes out to his friends until 2-3 am, while I am at home with his baby. I don't think there has been a day where he spent the entire day with our daughter. I went to get my hair done once in the Summer, and he got super mad and called me while I listened to my child cry into the phone because he didn't know what to do.  

Keep reading for the rest of this reader's dilemma.

In the past 6-8 months I've caught him watching porn a lot more and going on to escort websites! I'm not sure if that's a sign of him wanting someone different. It was almost a daily thing — actually it was daily. My daughter was playing with his phone one time and opened a message that read I'm available all day, price, etc. I confronted him about it, and he lied about what it was. Another time was when we hung out and a message had popped up saying she was available all day, and he had lied about it and said his friend is free all day. His story changed. If it was his friend it would have his name on it. Anyway so he logged on to my Facebook, started snooping and read a message between me and a friend. We went into talking about my past, our daughter, and our relationship. I was vulnerable and needed a friend to talk to with what was going on — I needed advice. Since that message he read, he accuses me of cheating, meeting up with him, texting and calling him, which I never did! He logged onto my email accounts and viewed my phone records to see. So I changed my password because I had found another text message from an escort. 

A few days ago, I felt something wasn't right, did some digging and found that he had sent some personal photos to random girls I don't know. He sent pictures of himself, signed up for an escort website and viewed tons and tons more escort websites. I confronted him, and he lied about it. I showed him proof, and he blamed me because I had changed my Facebook and email passwords. He wanted me to sync my iPhone in to see what I've been up to. I did try syncing it and followed the instructions on how to recover old data, but while backing up my phone it made my iPhone restore itself to factory default. I've explained to him what happened, but he thinks I did it on purpose, which I didn't. He still thinks it's fishy. 

Anyways he tells me that the reason why he's doing what he is doing (sending nude pics / signing up for escort websites ) is because I'm not giving him my password. It makes it hard for me to trust him after he keeps texting escorts. The reason I don't understand is, why does he say that but he did it before I ever got my Facebook back? He wants my passwords and thinks I'm hiding something when I'm not. I refuse to give it to him because he convinced me he was going to put effort into being a dad and a better boyfriend, which he hasn't. I'm tired of getting hurt and my boyfriend being gone 12 hours a day, not including work. I feel I'm to blame for everything. He was never honest with me from day one of meeting each other 

Should I give in and give him my passwords or should I stand my ground?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice.

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JCam786 JCam786 3 years
Oh my God! The only "fishy" behavior here is your boyfriend's. He is trying to flip the situation around on you and it sounds like it's working. You have no reason to feel guilty! He is a master at manipulating and shifting blame. Only one person has done something wrong here and it's not you. Changing your password for privacy from your overbearing controlling boyfriend (not wrong) vs neglecting his girlfriend and daughter in favor of soliciting prostitutes (not "escorts," let's call it what it is), smoking weed, watching porn, and sexting other women (categorically wrong)! The question here should NOT be whether or not to give him your passwords but rather whether to allow him to stay in your life. And I think the fact that you wrote in shows that deep down you do know the answer is a resounding NO- he should not be in your life, at least not as your boyfriend. Please do yourself AND your daughter a favor and end things with him. You may always have to have some contact with him because of your daughter together but please keep it at a minimum. You should also be conscious of whether being in her father's custody at all is in your daughter's best interests. If he continues this behavior it most certainly is not a safe environment, and any judge would agree (you may want to start collecting evidence such as screen shots from his phone). I'm sorry if my advice seems callous but I feel very strongly that this is an extremely toxic situation that you MUST leave, for yourself and for your daughter. And again, if I'm reading between the lines correctly I think you already know that. You can do it, you're strong enough.
JCam786 JCam786 3 years
Oh my God! The only "fishy" behavior here is your boyfriend's. He is trying to flip the situation around on you and it sounds like it's working. You have no reason to feel guilty! Only one person has done something wrong here and it's not you. Changing your password for privacy from your overbearing controlling husband (not wrong) vs neglecting his gf and daughter in favor of soliciting prostitutes, smoking weed, watching porn, sexting other women (all categorically wrong)! The question here should not be whether or not to give him your passwords but rather whether to allow him to stay in your life. And I think the fact that you wrote in shows that deep down you do know the answer is a resounding NO-
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