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Caution - Bumpy Road Ahead

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about five months but we have already done the break up/make up thing a couple of times. He was in a rotten three year relationship before he met me. When we fight, he says some pretty awful things to me, threatens to leave me and goes back to his ex, etc..., but we always seem to work it out because deep down we really care about each other.

Last week my boyfriend borrowed my iPod and said he left it in a friend's car and would get it back as soon as he saw his friend again. I know that checking his e-mail isn't the right thing to do, but I did it anyway and saw an e-mail addressed to his ex asking for my iPod back. I was shocked to find out that the friend he was talking about was her.

I know I can't say anything because he doesn't know I checked his e-mail, but I don't understand why he didn't just tell me the truth. Is it worth investing any more in this relationship if he lies to me and I can't trust him? Now I am left wondering if they are just friends or if there is something more between them. Snooping Sydney

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Snooping Sydney
Trust is essential in any relationship. I feel like a broken record every time that I say that! If you feel the need to snoop behind your boyfriend's back only to discover he has been lying to you, then you might want to reconsider staying with him.

It must make you feel terrible when he says awful things to you during your arguments. Why do you stay? His threatening words and his lies are red flags that he is unstable and you are invading his personal space! This is a big betrayal and a huge indication of your lack of trust in him.

If you already know of his tendency to lie to you, you need to open the lines of communication with your boyfriend and decide once and for all if you think you have a happy, satisfying and loving future together. If not, I would put this guy behind you and move on.

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clarapl clarapl 9 years
You can try to "communicate" until you're blue in the face, and it will never change a damn thing--you know why? Because this guy is abusive, and I'm surprised that DearSugar didn't call him out on it. Saying "nasty" things, especially name-calling, is NEVER okay--it is verbal abuse! Repeatedly breaking up, or threatening to break up with you, is emotional abuse, as is threatening to go back to his ex. It is a control tactic, to keep you in line. (If you don't believe me, go to a bookstore and browse through any relationship book, especially ones on abusive relationships.) The fact that you're even considering staying with him shows the toxic effect he's had on you in only a few months--he will continue to chip away at your self-esteem, so get out now, while you still have some left. I promise you, you will start to feel better almost immediately!!
kittycat kittycat 9 years
this is unacceptable. your sneaking in his email is awfully wrong on your part. lending your stuff to his ex?!?!?!?! how dare he? i say leave ur iPod, and go find another man who you trust, respects you and nurture your feelings.
Marci Marci 9 years
I have go go with the general concensus here: Turn and walk away from this guy and never look back, not even for an instant.
Luna13 Luna13 9 years
ok he shouldnt of lied but most men have this ' i didnt tell you because i knew you would be upset' theory going on, which is a load of rubbish but no matter how many times i explain to my fiancee id rather hear it from him, he has slipped up a couple of times, ok the matters were not as serious as yours but men do think this. I would discuss the matter with him and tell him u didnt mind but id rather hear it from you and see how he reacts. If you think he might still be with his ex then break up with him and then you will know where u stand (if he seems upset and wants u back kind of thing). Going out with someone who has had a long relationship before u is hard as men find it difficult to move on rather than women, but before u give him the boot discuss it.
lolak lolak 9 years
left YOUR property in HER car? NO WAY!!! I wouldn't think about it twice, he would be a GONNER. why are you even wondering what to do it seems pretty simple what seems to be done. I agree with Kh, if you wait any longer it will only get more difficult.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
Not a relationship u need to be in
paigesweetkisses paigesweetkisses 9 years
Sounds like you are just his rebound.. seems to me that he's still focused on his ex. If I were you, I'd end it immediately. He doesn't care about you, no matter what he says... You know what you need to do.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
This relationship is doomed. If you've already broken up several times in the first 5 months, give up! Relationships shouldn't be extreme roller coasters.
SaRaH-22 SaRaH-22 9 years
if you feel its necessary to check his emails than there isnt the trust there and NO relationship can survive with out there being trust!
tina_marie tina_marie 9 years
End it NOW. He obviously doesn't know what he wants and you do deserve better. And anyone who "threatens" to go back to his ex (heat of the moment or not) is just rotten.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
Personally, I wouldn't give him another second of my time. You deserve only the best...move on, and put this j*rk behind you. The best of luck to you. :HUG:
kh61582 kh61582 9 years
It doesn't sound like this guy has much regard for your feelings. I say dump him. I know that's easier said than done but if you wait too long to do it, it will get harder to go through with.
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