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Cheaters Never Prosper

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I have been together for four and a half years. We met in college and most of our relationship was long distance since we are from two different cities. After graduation, he moved to my home town so we could be closer together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but I love him and want to be with him forever.

Since his move, I have cheated on him twice. I didn't feel much guilt after it happened because I told myself it would never happen again, that they were both mistakes, that I had been drinking, and other forms of denial to make myself feel better.

In a discussion I recently had with my boyfriend, he mentioned that he knows I would never cheat on him and ever since, I have had this overwhelming feeling of guilt that I can't get rid of. After doing some soul searching, I realized that I cheated for the excitement and the passion of a new relationship - issues I am currently working on. Since my guilt won't go away, should I tell my boyfriend what I have done? Two Timing Tilly

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Two Timing Tilly
It sounds like you have gotten yourself into quite a situation here. I happen to feel that honesty is the best policy and since you're so overwhelmed with guilt, it won't be long before your boyfriend realizes something isn't right. You say you love your boyfriend but something tells me your relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Four years is a long time to be with someone, but if you are still interested in looking for the excitement of a new relationship, being committed to him might not be the best scenario right now. Your boyfriend deserves to hear it from you first, but since you essentially made your bed you have to be willing to take a chance with his reaction.

What are his opinions on cheating? What made him bring up the topic of conversation in the first place? All in all, telling your boyfriend about your infidelity is a very personal decision. Take some time to figure out what you really want and do what is best for both of you. Guilt can wreak havoc on your mind and body, and I strongly feel that the truth will set you free.

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vmruby vmruby 9 years
IMHO honesty is the best policy because lies always have a way of catching up to you in the end and hurting people much more.......
sabrinad2122 sabrinad2122 9 years
I don't think she should tell him. I told my bf that I dated his cousin almost 3yrs before I was with him and he cried! He can't even stand to see us both in the same room! I wish I had never told him, because he just gets so upset whenever I bring up any of my ex's, because he thinks of me with his cousin. If you never do it again, and there is no chance of him finding out through the grapevine, don't burden his thoughts with you cheating on him.
flutterpie flutterpie 9 years
the fact that you cheated on him twice after he moved out there for you is what concerns me. are you sure your not staying with him out of guilt? its easy to get caught up in the longing and needing of a long distance relationship, the excitement of seeing each other and the hurt when you have to leave. now that he is close, you may feel bored and desire those highs and lows again. i think in a way you wanted to get caught so that you do not have to be the one doing the breaking up. i strongly suggest re evaluating your relationship ask yourself is this the person you truly want to be with, dont allow yourself to think "well he moved for me" that shouldnt even factor into the equation. if you decide that you dont want this relationship anymore then tell him why, dont bring up the cheating, there is no need to add insult to injury. if you do want this relationship, then you need to explain your feelings and your actions. you need to start a new chapter in your relationship and you cannot possibly do that with a guilty conscience. and please please please if you decide to marry this person, you guys should really get relationship counseling. its sooo beneficial and will help to ensure a long lasting marriage. good luck! Tanning is not a skin color, Brian, its a lifestyle.
Brittany14706805 Brittany14706805 9 years
ive been with my bf for 5yrs and he cheated on me once and told me, it nearly killed me but we got thru it then i ended up cheating on him once cuz i thought i was just sick of the relationship and wanted out. Come to find out i missed him horribly though and at first when i left him i didnt want to admit that it was for some other guy i had sex with, but i felt guilty as hell and told him about it. This was all like 4 months ago and he still has some trust issues every now and then but i cant say i blame him. It took me almost a year to get over him cheating on me. I guess if things are meant to work out though they will.
Community-Manager Community-Manager 9 years
2 comments were removed from this thread. No attacking others.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
dating and being married aren't the same thing. the couple in question doesn't have the life time commitment that marriage has, they aren't even engaged. heck for most of the time they didn't even live in the same city. how much more casual can you get? marriage changes the expectations, responsibilities and the day to day involvement. for those of you that aren't married this might not be something that you agree with, but it's kind of like having a child, you don't really understand what it means and how you feel until it happens. here we have 2 college kids living in different city's with no real talk of making the relationship permanent. after 4 years there's obviously a reason for that (???). the comment about cheating was made by the boyfriend well after the affairs were over. who even knows how he would have felt back then. so why find out now? if you want to "come clean" go to confession. then ask yourself why this relationship is dragging on so long w/o a formal commitment. is there really something worth sticking around for? maybe not. maybe that's why you've been looking around.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
Catfight! let me get the tub of jello!
DearSugar DearSugar 9 years
Hey Guys. I love the banter about this topic, but please be nice to each other. I have to agree and stand behind my opinion that honesty is the best policy...however, it is still your choice. There are plenty of women out there who wouldn't want to know if their partner was cheating on them, I am just not one of them.
travelgirl travelgirl 9 years
ilove2ski- i find your comments disturbing as you are sounding very judging and not very forgiving. i think that you have good points to make. but as for you judging everyone who disagrees with your opinion-You should do unto others instead of pointing the finger and telling them they that they are wrong because they don't share your opinion. I am glad you are done posting on this subject. get off your high horse
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
Thank you there are sane people in this world!!! I thought I was living in the twilight zone listening to their "advice" I have been reading dearsugar for a LONG time, and I have never heard anyone give that kind of advice. What happened to Arthur, he was always a smart one!
L7amiguita L7amiguita 9 years
BLUEJEANIE, your last comment said that she deserves FORGIVENESS, right? How in the world can she receive that if she DOESN'T tell her boyfriend what she did??? She committed wrong-doing to HIM, shouldn't HE decide whether he wants to forgive her or not? You are contradicting yourself...
getstinko getstinko 9 years
Wow a lot of really convoluted responses. 1. if you have long term interest in staying with this fellow you'd better come clean - the worst thing that could happen is that you end up together longer with this unresolved and he finds out that you were cheating and lying to him about it. This is why bluejeanie's recommendation is so offbase, lies of this magnitude need to be dealt with not swept under the rug 2. You should most likely not be with this fellow if you are that easily swayed to cheating on him multiple times for "excitement" 3. By not coming clean, you are basically establishing a model you can repeat in the future. If you accept that you can get away with cheating and not coming clean now, you will most likely repeat that pattern later. 4. Do unto others, as you would have done to you.
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
Angelbaby2.. Yeah life is not what you expect; however you should EXPECT FOR YOUR PARTNER WHO LOVES YOU TO STAY FAITHFUL. And if for some reason they are unfaithful you should EXPECT THEM TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. You are saying its ok to cheat once, just don't tell you partner. Sorry.. I don't need to talk to you in 10 years. I have 7 brothers and I have seen a lot about relationships. And my parents have been married for 33 years. I have seen what it takes to be in a faithful relationship if you put god first, and then your partner. You are supposed to be honest no matter what happens. I am sorry you live your life thinking that she shouldn't tell her partner, and its ok to live a lie. Whatever that’s your prerogative. I am done posting about this, because in this world few people have morals. Whatever happened to the golden rule? Did they not teach you that when you were younger, or do you not live be that any longer? I don't understand the if she cheats again she should get out. She has already cheated twice. I think if she gets out of the relationship now, then don't tell him. But, if she is going to stay with him, then he has a right to know. How would you life if this was happening to you? Or your best friend was the girl, and the guy had cheated on your best friend. You would probably be really upset.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
i love to ski-talk to me in 10 years when you find out life is not as you always expect. People marry and divorce-friends that you thought would never do that.People cheat on spouses-again people you never thought would do that. It is not always so cut and dry and things are not always what they seem. I am not condoning cheating. I am saying that sometmes things happen and people do things that are not what they expect or what they expect life to hand them. If this girl has learned her lesson and is working on her issues, good for her. She is a lot further in the game of life then a lot of people that I have met in their 40s and 50s. If she cheats again-then she should get out of the relationship and move on. Clearly, she had some issues in the past.
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
Bluejeanie.... When you were dating your husband would you have given him the advice.. Go cheat on me, just don't be a repeat offender, and don't tell me about it? Probably not.
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
Yeah no one is perfect, but you owe it to your partner to be HONEST and FAITHFUL. I am sorry not many of you have morals. Bluejeanie she is a repeat offender. Did you not read what she wrote? She cheated twice. I just don't think it is fair for someone to think that they are with someone faithful, when in reality that isn't the case. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself, and you will have to face god. Do what you want. I don't respect your opinions or actions. Its just sad that you people are married and saying yeah whatever cheat, as long as it doesn't become a habit then don't tell your partner. But, I am only 20 years old and I can see that you need to be a honest and faitful person. I don't mean to bash on you all, but seriously how could you give someone that kind of advice?
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
only other comment that i have is-i hope they can work it out and be happy-isn't that what it is all about? besides-in 20 years if they are still together-and married-it won't matter it takes a lot of hard lessons to grow up and realize what you have. No one is perfect.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
ilove2ski, i'm not interested in dating your brothers, no worries for you. in response to your questions: no, i do not cheat on my husband. yes, i do have a conscience. thanks for asking. i just think most people deserve forgiveness and happiness if he or she has shown remorse and doesn't become a serial offender, sorry if that offends you to the point that it 'makes you sick'.
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 9 years
I don't know, I should preface my response with the fact that i have an extreme opposition to cheating. Not that anyone thinks it's great but I hear this stuff and it makes me physically ill. What gets me here is that you did it TWICE once maybe you could chalk up to all of the excuses listed above. But twice seams like you have some issues that you need to deal with personally. The telling not telling debate is so hard. I ask myself what i would want if my bf is cheating on me. I think it would be for him to tell me, although ignorance is bliss. I know personally i never would have been able to go anytime at all not coming clean to him. TINA!
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
I like how you guys are saying he doesn't deserve to be miserable by her telling him. So instead, they should live a lie. And he should be with someone who thinks is faithful, when in reality that isn't the case. SMART Do you guys not have a conscience?
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
ARE YOU KIDDING ME! That is her consequence? Why should he have to be with a cheater. How UNFAIR is this to him. I am sorry this whole thing disgusts me. It is kind of funny how you say its fine she is never going to do it again. Didn’t she say that the first time? I’m sorry but I have ZERO respect for the poster, and the ones telling her to keep it a secret. This seriously makes me sick. Karma is a b****!!! A lot of you guys are married, and are saying that it is ok, for her not to tell him. Would you have wanted your husband to do this, and not tell you? Yeah, I don't think so. Do whatever you want honey. I can't believe the sin that goes around in the world, and then everyone justify's it with alcohol. No your not married to him, but you were with him for a long time, and he moved somewhere for you. Get over yourself. I help Karma comes back to you. You don't even sound like your sorry.
rkdub rkdub 9 years
ilove2ski and all the others talking about owning up to consequences.... that is exactly the point! She cheated, now she feels guilty, and that IS her consequence. By telling him what she did, she is going to devastate him. That is going to make him miserable, but make her feel better about herself because she was "open and honest." He doesn't deserve that.... he doesn't deserve to be hurt to help relieve her guilt. If this was me, I would break up with him. Break up with him because you obviously cannot handle a committed relationship, go be young and crazy, and then see about growing up and settling down. But seriously, what exactly does telling him accomplish? It doesn't change what you did, it just makes him miserable... misery loves company, but he doesn't deserve that.....
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
imho, telling him would be for you, not him. what will he get out of it? you aren't going to do it again, you know it was wrong and it's OVER. if however you cheat again i think the "right" thing to do would be to tell him about all 3 episodes and then end the relationship. tell him you aren't capable of being in a committed relationship and that's that. so shape up now :)
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
not all my friends did this but hey-who knows what will happen in life. Good luck!
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
i agree with bluejeannie-don't tell him. For the record-i don't cheat on my husband nor have ever cheated on a boyfriend. I had a friend in college who dated her boyfriend through high school and college and after. They both cheated on each other and broke up and dated others many times. However, she was my roommate after college and while they were together, they both cheated and never told each other. i saw it from her end-more than once-not a great way to be-BUT they finally got it all out of their systems. They got engaged and married after 8 rocky years together. THey married at 25-they have now been married 18 years and have one child. She is regional director of a major company and he is an accoutant. THey have NEVER cheated and have had a great marriage. Sometimes it is just about age and getting things out of your system. I wouldn't recommend it but you never can tell. Just my opinion. And don't be too harsh to judge. I have seem this more than once with my friends who have all ended up being happily married.
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