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Closure Is Under Rated

Dear Sugar
I started dating a friend of a friend. He is the kind of guy who is liked by all so when my friends wanted to set me up with him, I took the chance. Everything started off well, he was the perfect gentleman, he called when he said he would call, was never late for our dates, etc. Our bi-weekly dinners turned into weekends together and meeting of friends and I was really excited.

All of a sudden, out of left field, he never called me again. Our last conversation was making plans to see each other, he said he would call, and a month later, my phone still hasn't rung. I keep asking myself if it was something I did, but I am coming up short. I thought that we had a nice thing going.

The holidays are here and I know that I am bound to run into him as we have mutual friends. How do I react when and if I see him? I want to ask him why he's completely stopped contacting me, but don't want to come off as pathetic. It seems so simple to just say let it go, but I just can't. Left in the Dark Lori

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Left in the Dark Lori
Have you ever read He's Just Not That Into You? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds like he just wasn't interested after all. Unless something horrible has happened to him or someone in his family, there is no reason why he is leaving you hanging... chalk it up to poor etiquette.

Since this guy is in your circle of friends, can you do some investigative research to get some answers? There is nothing worse than not having closure or not knowing what went wrong, so I can understand your preoccupation. Chances are he got spooked and instead of being honest with you, he took the easy way out.

Since you are bound to run into him this holiday, be the bigger person and don't play into his childish game. Don't go out of your way to talk to him, but if the opportunity presents itself, nonchalantly say something like this:

"Hi stranger, it's nice to see you're OK.. I was beginning to think you dropped off the face of the earth since it has been so long since I've heard from you."

Hopefully he will have an explanation for his disrespectful ways and you can have the closure you are looking for. If not, try your best to shrug him off. Happy holidays and remember, this is his loss, not yours.

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telos7 telos7 9 years
This is a bit off-topic, but I just have to note appreciatingly that the woman in the stock photo happens to be Rani Mukherji -- one of the hottest actresses currently working in Bollywood! I'm not sure where DearSugar gets images from, but this one is a very cool choice!
MarikaLala MarikaLala 9 years
I agree with DearSugar on the "He's just not that into you" part, but not on turning your questions into a veiled joke (i.e. dropping off the face of the earth). He knows what he did, he did it for a reason and you may never be able to figure it out. But if someone would treat you like that, do you REALLY care to get closure? Obviously he wrote you off, and you basically need to do the same with him. I do NOT mean being catty or vindictive or angry. I mean letting it go and realizing he isn't really worth your worry anymore - literally NOT WORTHY. I'm not coming from a bitter perspective - but actually a logical one (and guys think with logic - girls think with feelings). It is logical to assume that he doesn't want to be in your life any longer, and therefore logical that you don't try to bring him back into it- especially just to ask WHY he left. If you make eye contact with him, be polite - acknowledge him and nod if need be - but don't approach him and enjoy the party. If he seems to try and avoid you then you have your answer ->He is just kinda spineless and probably was moe scared of seeing you than you of him because he can't deal with confrontation. If you get in a situation that is awkward (involved in a conversation that he is also involved in) then JUST BE YOURSELF and be confident in the fact that you are a beautiful, intelligent woman who will be adored and respected by someone much better than him one day!! Have a good time and relax and be confident enough in yourself that you SHINE. Yes, this is easier said than done possibly, but one of the posts said you may have to fake it until you believe it and thats pretty true. Don't make yourself noticeable by enjoying yourself TOO much, but don't wallow in a corner scared of confrontation (he has already proven he is the loser in the confrontation battle). I can't believe i'm saying this, but as archaic as this advice was it may apply now, in regards to the mystery man: "Speak when spoken to" But the most important thing is not letting him stop you from being yourself - obviously your friends think the world of you and care, so enjoy their company and don't give him yours. Good luck sweetie. I wish you the best! (And I hope you go to the holiday party and meet a dashing man who sweeps you off your feet - but i'm just an incurable romantic, hahaha)
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I agree since he's the one who never called you back I don't think he has an explanation so I would just forget it and be civil and nice but don't warm up to him so much. You deserve so much better sweetie!
Moni-B Moni-B 9 years
Hm, I guess not all html is supported. Anyways, I agree with everyone who said to act normal. If he decides to fess up, he will. Just take it easy on yourself, if you can't think of anything that you could have done wrong, then it's all in his head. ~M~
Moni-B Moni-B 9 years
grr...lets try this again but using words: if you use "u" instead of "b" it will underline. ~M~
Moni-B Moni-B 9 years
< U > text < / u > is underline ~M~
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 9 years
P.S. Sorry for the BOLDNESS, but I couldn't figure out how to underline (and I wanted to do more than italicize).
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 9 years
My method would be this: Assume that he has ZERO interest in you -- so you must stop yourself from thinking of him in a romantic manner. (Easier said than done; I know.) Force yourself to treat him (in your mind and in your life) as just another pal. When you see him, greet him with a normal measure of festive warmth and friendliness (with sincerity), but do NOT address him with any special familiarity. (Nothing to make it seem like you do now, or ever have, considered him as anything other than just a friend -- it doesn't matter that you were dating him. You aren't now, and THAT is all that matters.) I wouldn't pretend that the interval of dating didn't happen, so to speak -- I would simply push it out of my mind's orbit. And if he doesn't mention it, you shouldn't either. (I wouldn't ask if anything was wrong; I would sweetly, happily ask, "How are ya?" just as you would to anyone else. If he doesn't offer explanations for his neglect, DON'T ASK. Forget it and move on.) I wouldn't linger; I wouldn't toss any meaningful glances his way. I wouldn't expect any special preference from him, nor would I expect him to spend more than a few normal moments with me. I wouldn't treat him any differently than I would some new friend that I was getting to know. Kind, friendly, gracious, happy, SINCERE (this is very important: mean what you say, but always be kind; you don't want to sound disingenuous, hurt, or bitter) -- This is the way to be. If he has ANY interest, he will seek you out and try to make amends. If he does not (and, at this point, it seems like he doesn't), you have lost no self-respect and will surely come out looking like a champ: well adjusted, normal, sane, considerate, non-clingy, and independent. (And also rather desirable, on the whole.) (This may just make him *more* interested. . .but he had a shot, and whether you give him a second is entirely at your own discretion.) Good luck, sweet-pea. It sucks, but you would do well to convince yourself you're completely over it -- just fake it (convincingly) until you feel it.
Megan37 Megan37 9 years
I was once in a similar situation. DEAR is right; be the bigger person. Personally I would not give him the satisfaction and power to say what DEAR suggested. I did contact the man when I was in this situation and I wish that I had just let it drop. If you run into him say hello and be very polite. The fact that his absence has seemingly not bothered you says more than anything you could verbalize. If he seeks you out and explains that is one thing, but if he wanted to give you an explanation he would have called a month ago and gave it to you. Even if there was a legitimate reason, he still didn't have the respect to call you or even send a quick email. I imagine that you would not want to continue dating someone who didn't even have the courtesy to call you with an explanation. Talking to him will only make the situation more awkward. What could you really say anyway? Besides, "Thanks for being disrespectful and not calling me for a month," there really isn't much to say. He knows what is considered common courtesy and that he was rude and in the wrong; he doesn't need to hear it from you--he has a mother or at least female friends for that. Consider yourself lucky to be free from such a jerk before you became more attached. It may be uncomfortable if you see him but it will be much less so than if you had confronted him--trust me. My best advice is to take a deep breath and smile politely if you see him. Do your best to have a good time at your holiday parties and you're more likely to meet someone new if you're having fun than if you were bitter and unhappy. Hopefully you'll meet someone new who is worth your time.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 9 years
I agree with Dear. When, and if, you see him, make sure not to say something too serious, like "Hey, what's the matter with you? Why haven't you called me." That may sound "stocker-ish". Rather, say what dear said. Also, make sure not to dig too deep for answers. We may be going through something he wants to keep private. When you guys are done chatting just say "it was really nice talking to you again." Don't act too desperate to see him again, that way if he is not really into you, it won't be awkward. If he is into you, he will definitely call. Take care!
yettii yettii 9 years
The same thing happened to me just a couple of months ago. I have been with this gu for only 2 weeks and everything was justt great, like it was meant to be. There was definitely chemistry but I was never clingy, considering it was a brand new realationship. Anyway, out of the blue, he started making up excuses not to see me or out go with me, even blocking my number form his cellphone for one day. I was obviously hurt and wanted to talk to him about it. When he kept up with his ridiculous excuses I just finally gave up. There was no way I was gonna beg for his time or an explanation. He was just not man enough. It just happens that we hang out in the same places and I guess it never occured to him...I have seen him twice since then, the first time, he saw me and went into hiding right away and the scond time, he was sitting down and I walked right past him with a guy friend. He was litterally staring but I didn't give him the time of the day. So what I am trying to say is to just forget about him and try to move on because you deserve better.
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