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Confusing Relationship

"I'm in a Confusing Relationship"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm really confused as to what to do. I am a very traditional girl, have not really been exposed to the party culture. Plus I could care less because I know many people regret what they do in that scene. Well, that being said, about three years ago I met a boy during senior year of high school. He was really great, he had values and we both liked each other since we met. But things happened and we remained as friends. Our friendship grew, and we still liked each other but did nothing. He is a very attractive boy and started to date. About September of last year he stopped talking to me out of the blue, having mutual friends it was rather awkward, and I didn't know what was going on.

February of this year he sent me a text and from there things went back to normal, only this time he revealed his feeling to me. He explained that he has always liked me and because of the fact that I told him we should be friends in the beginning he thought he had no chance. So he stopped talking to me, hoping he could move on, but it didn't help, he actually liked me even more (even had a sleepless month when I went out of town during Summer for a month).

I have always liked him just not to the extent that he has I think. But I knew he needed to go through that party phase and get it over with before he's in a relationship with me. Well since then we have been in the process of becoming closer, we haven't kissed or anything just held hands up to this day.

Well, in March he dropped the bombshell that he was not a virgin anymore, he lost it at a frat party with a girl he didn't know. That just blew my mind. My image of him was rather shattered, he kind of seemed like the rest of the guys in this world. I came to terms that it was a mistake for it was only once, and we moved on. Four days ago I find out he has been with a total of three people, two of which I know. It bothers me for the fact that he knew me all along and kept contact with me when he was screwing around. It aggravates me that I told him to be careful with one particular girl. I never thought he'd do anything like that. Well I was disgusted and didn't want to see him for a while.

Read more for the rest of this reader's dilemma.

Yesterday I talked to him I expressed myself, I didn't disrespect him or anything, I just expressed myself, and told him what I wanted in a relationship. I told him we have taken 10 steps back and we have gone back to being friends. He said it's so hard for him to wait, but that he is willing to (I'm not sure because after he said he has thinking to do). I think it was harder because a week before any of this happened I told him I was almost ready to become his girlfriend, something he has been waiting for, that made him really happy, and now we are ten steps back. He also wants to re-try weed since his first time experiencing it was bad. I told him I wouldn't tolerate drugs, if he does I'm out of the picture. He said he could live without trying weed again. Was that harsh? He is very honest with me does go partying with our same mutual guy friends and tells me everything that happened the next day, and the pictures also. I trust him but I just don't know what to do. How long is it OK to make him wait again, he has hurt me with his past, especially for the fact he knew me all along. I just need advice, I guess. Thank you.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Hello-Kitty-Lover Hello-Kitty-Lover 4 years
Hi! I totally get you coz I come from a traditional family background too. However, these traditional rules cannot apply to modern life anymore. And from how you describe the guy, he seems to grow up in a less traditional family but must REALLY REALLY LIKE you to actually try his best to be with you. And the thing with him having sex with other girls. Personally I wouldn't hold it against him coz 1) You guys are not officially dating, so he has the freedom to jump into bed with other dames. and 2) It's cool, it only means that he will be more skillful in bed ;p So what's the problem? =D I guess he's a keeper. And with the weed thing, I HATE weed too. But from the way you described him, I think he would be willing to NOT smoke WEED for your sake too! So go ahead and date him!! But if he still sleeps around and smoke weed and stuff, then you can leave him girl!
Fleurelle Fleurelle 4 years
 I think you have a very strong sense of what you want and where you stand, while he obviously isn't sure what he's about. Honestly, while reading your post I saw red flags everywhere. One big one was his confession that he wants to try weed again, and when you came out against it, he backed off of his position. That is something that a very emotionally immature person does. It sounds like you want a man who knows what he wants and sticks to his principles. This guy isn't there yet, and who knows if he ever will get there! I'm concerned that if you stick with this guy you will eventually be frustrated and have wasted more of your time. You deserve a man who is certain both about who he is and about his feelings for you. Good luck!
jaan_black jaan_black 4 years
ok, first you two are young and let me tell you - if you don't let him experience being young (you as well), you'll be the 35 yr old hoping around like a 21 yr old and that's never cute...now, doesn't mean you should go out and party, bang 10 dudes and do drugs by any means...he's acting out b/c he's not as mature emotionally as you but you can't fault him for that b/c "I'm almost ready to be your girlfriend" isn't going to fly with certain guys 2 yrs later or however long it's been...as great as you seem, you can't string someone along until you're ready - there are 2 sets of emotions involved here and it's hard to like someone who's not sure what they want...either give it a shot (you're old enough now to figure out if you want a bf or not) or let him do what he needs to do, albeit crashing and burning if that's his path...be fair to yourself AND to him b/c unfortunately, there are no real princesses or the doting prince that will wait an eternity, sleigh a dragon and climb a wall to have you...be honest with him if you're not ready to be physical and if he's a good guy, who genuinely cares for you, he'll honor that and just enjoy that you're in his life...if not, his loss...good luck
matoad matoad 4 years
In my experience, there are two types of people who close themselves off to any type of other relationship (serious, fling, one-night-stands, whatever) because they are in love with someone who doesn't seem interested at all: Superhumanly awesome people (I'd say 5%) and crazy-fixated people (95%). Your guy seems to be one of the normal good guys - he had feelings for you but since there didn't seem to be any way to be together, he lived his life in the meantime. I think it wouldn't do you any good to judge him for that. The weed thing - I guess people have different boundaries when it comes to that topic. You made yours clear, he seems to respect it -  I'd say appreciate him for doing that, show your appreciation, topic closed.
rj12345 rj12345 4 years
I hear you that you have high expectations for yourself and others.  I understand that you don't want to be with someone who is indiscriminately sleeping with a lot of different women. Good for you!!   But at the same time, you can't expect a man that you are not in a relationship with to be faithful to you.  That is simply unreasonable.  If you enjoy his company and think that you could trust him, go for it.  But if his need to sleep around and experiment with drugs makes you uncomfortable then you both need to be with someone else.  You have to accept people as they are or move on...you can't change someone.  And if you try they will only end up resenting you and it will not lead anywhere.  Good luck to you and I hope it all works out for the best.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
You guys aren't together, so I must say that it's within his right to experiment sexually without you. I feel bad that he felt that he needs to grovel to prove himself to you; then again, that's also his choice, but you can't keep blaming him because of his past. He may have made mistakes, he may have learned from it, or it's not a mistake at all for him, etc. If you can't accept his past choices and who he really is, you shouldn't be dating him, just tell him directly that you won't be able to accept who he is, and what he's done and for him to move on. It'll be better for the two of you in the long run. I can't tell you how you should define yourself, you have your own set standards. It's not necessarily mine, but that's all and dandy, you get to choose on how you want to live your life. But you should know too that if he has to jump backward and go all through hoops to be with you, promising this and that, etc, there's always that big possibility that it's not who he really is, and he'll be pretending just because he wants to be with you; and he won't be happy and in return you guys will not be happy. So think about it.
crashingwaves crashingwaves 4 years
ok thank you for your perspectives. i truly appreciate it
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
And if you can't tolerate the idea of him being with other women, or wanting to try weed, or that he's being honest with you and is faithful to you, THEN LEAVE. If you feel like you're not fit for each other, then leave. Eventually, you'll maybe find someone just like yourself, or more likely you'll learn the hard way that your standards are irrational and your relationship ideology is toxic. And then you'll lower your standards and change your ideology. And I advise you to loosen your idea of what 'traditional' is, and what the 'party scene' is. You are completely in control of how you carry yourself. If you know people who regret things they do in the party scene, then don't be like those people. Be like yourself. Really, there's no harm in going out, socializing with friends, and dancing. That doesn't mean drugs or binge drinking. You define what the 'party scene' means to you. Furthermore, you also define what 'traditional' means for you.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
I agree with BiWife. You have control issues. It doesn't stem from the fact that he's choosing to be honest with you and shows you pictures of his partying and what-not. It stems from how you are reacting to all this. You are a control freak because you wanted him to be faithful to you, whom he did not even have a relationship with. You thought of him as yours, and that he had no right to 'disrespect you' by 'screwing around.' You are viewing this all entirely wrong. He was not yours, you were not his. You two had no obligation to remain faithful to each other when you weren't even in each other's lives in an intimate or romantic way. You two weren't even really friends. He just popped back into your life. If it weren't for him expressing his feelings for you, you would have gone on not caring at all. You would never have missed him, or wondered 'what if' in regards to you two dating. You did not care as much about him as he cared about you. I think he has more of a right to know that you don't care about him very much, and he has more of a right to be hurt and offended by that. You have no right to be angry with him for his choices WHEN YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN THE PICTURE. So what he had feelings for you when he had sex with those other women? You didn't want him, and he knew that. Should he have become abstinent, always hopelessly pining away for you in the hopes that you would change your mind and want a relationship with him? NO! He went on and lived his life, which is what he should have done.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
the question you should be asking yourself is: do you really love this guy or the *idea* of this guy?
BiWife BiWife 4 years
I say control freak because you expect him to live by your rules rather than his. Also, you have effectively punished him for not living by your rules as you're now withholding your affection and "re-classifying" the relationship as "friendship" out of spite. If you truly love him for who he is, you wouldn't be punishing him for being himself.
crashingwaves crashingwaves 4 years
control freak in what sense. i never asked him to tell me anything, he told me because he felt i should know the truth because in a relationship the persons past is ones business because in a relationship ones business is getting to know the other person. If its for the partying and him telling me what he does, he does it on his own. Which i like, i never ask him what he did at the party just how it went and if he had fun. Plus hes the one that shows me the pictures, i don't even look at them all because i trust him... I just want to know if going back to friends for a while is OK
BiWife BiWife 4 years
good lord, talk about a control freak. He had every right to sleep with anyone he wished when you two were just friends, if you can't handle him actually exploring his sexuality, then let him go and don't try to make him into the guy that you want him to be. Let him be the man that he actually is. Let him decide how to define himself. Would you let him define who you are? Hardly, so do him the same courtesy and don't try to control every facet of his life (past, present, and future) when you aren't even dating yet.
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