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Controlling Relationship

"Is This a Controlling Relationship?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my boyfriend for seven months now, and we decided to move in together after three months because he had to find a new house. His mum also moved in with us — she used to live with him before — but I was fine about it because I get on well with her. I didn't tell my mum and my sister that we were moving in together because I thought they would get upset that I didn't ask for their advice. I wanted to wait a few months and tell them, but my mum found out about two months after I moved in with him and got very upset that I lied to her. My mum and sister believe that he persuaded me to move in together, but I wanted that too.

It was fine until last two weeks. One day after Uni I went to see my friend and told him about it. When we were having coffee with my friend, my boyfriend texted me saying he just passed the cafe we were at and rang me. He said he was going to work and I said that I would call him back, but he hung up and we had a massive fight after because he was offended that I didn't invite him to have a coffee with my friend — he basically said I have no manners. So he was giving me the silent treatment for two days and I felt guilty about it the whole time. I told my best friend and my sister about that and they said that he acted like a child.

Everything seemed to settle down before my sister came to visit me for a day about a week after that incident. I didn't see her for six months because she lives in a different country but I wanted her to meet my boyfriend — he even took a day off work. But my sister told me she wanted to have sister time without him, which I thought was fair, but I also wanted her to get to know the person I live with. My boyfriend said he would be babysitting for his sister in the morning, so I thought me and my sister could spend some time together and he could join us in the afternoon. He got upset, saying that he took a day off from work and I just messed him like that. I knew I got myself into a stupid situation because I waited to tell him until the last minute, so I apologized.

I can understand his reaction but I didn't think it would get worse. I kept texting him during the day but he didn't text back, then when me and my sister came home, he just ignored us. When my sister left, we had a big argument. I wanted to find out why he got so upset, because if that had been his sister and he'd wanted to be with her alone for a while, I would understand. He said that I don't know what a serious relationship is because if I really cared about him, I would have told my sister that he would come with us whether she wanted it or not. He also said that if she really cared about me, she would have stayed  longer than one day because she had about twelve days in my country and spent most of the time at our mum's house. He said that my sister only came to spy on him and tell my mum everything about him because my mum has never met him, then added that I should stop listening to everybody's advice and start thinking for myself — otherwise I will be a pushover for the rest of my life. I told my sister about this argument because I was so confused, then she said that he is a controlling person and that I should dump him. It's been okay between my boyfriend and I ever since, but I am still not sure what's happened. I think I need to hear an objective opinion on the whole situation.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
Your family is right, he is trying to control you.  When a guy says that you should stop listening to other people and think for yourself he just means he wants you to only listen to him.  He knows what they are saying is right and he wants you to push them away so he has more control.  This sounds a lot like a relationship I was in a few years ago.  That guy also convinced me to move in and lie to my parents about it and then continued to abuse me and control me until I finally got out 9 months later.  Get out before this get's any worse.    
Becky2688092 Becky2688092 4 years
I hate to say it, but your family is right in this situation. This guy is manipulating you and not respecting you or your family.    I went through a similar situation a couple years ago and It was really hard becuase I was in love with my boyfriend and we lived together and my family couldn't stand him. I didn't see the whole picture clearly until after we'd broken up because I knew that if I married him my relationship with my family wouldn't be as close as I wanted it. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and now looking back I can see that they were right.   Good luck to you. You deserve someone who trusts you and lets you be you, without smothering you. This guy sounds super selfish.
matoad matoad 4 years
Controlling? Childish? However you wanna call it, he apparently can't stand not being the center of all your thoughts all the time, and that definitely doesn't work in a relationship. I'd imagine that having lived with his mom for so long probably doesn't help in that respect, but no matter the reason, it doesn't sound like a mature relationship with him is on the cards any time soon.
wolfjinx25 wolfjinx25 4 years
Your boyfriend is clearly controlling you. Hate to tell you but you are letting him control you and getting away with it. I went through the same thing years ago with a former boyfriend. I ended up realizing in the end that I was miserable. I don't need someone telling me what to do, what to wear, etc. In the end, he doesn't really care as long as he's satisfied and making you feel miserable. You need to leave him or you will never be happy. 
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
Um, okay, maybe you do need to work on your communication skills here, but he is also showing a few red flags of a controlling personality type (rushing into a commitment, angry that he is not included in time with your sister, paranoia about other people 'spying' on him etc). Work on your communication, sure... why not, but I would keep my eyes open here. One last piece of advice that I learned the hard way, if your friends, family and loved ones all hate your significant other, the problem is rarely with everyone else, and you will usually come out of that relationship wishing you had listened to the people who cares about you.
Little-sunshine Little-sunshine 4 years
BiWife, thank you for your comments,they helped me understand that I only saw one side of the coin and I should take into account his perspective as well because I really care for him and his feelings and I know that he feels the same about me. Thanks again.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting time alone with your sister, but you also should be discussing this with your bf. tell him how you feel, tell him how his actions have impacted you. If *you* aren't communicating with him, then it seems like you're being sneaky about something, which would make any partner suspicious. Open up those communication channels and get talking.
Little-sunshine Little-sunshine 4 years
Thanks for replies, they help, I think the reason why I didn't tell him straight away about wanting to spend time with my sister because I was afraid of his reaction like it happened with my friend incident, although something was telling me that he would react in the same way,but what I don't understand why I should feel guilty for wanting to have some sister time with my sister who is my closest person in the world, is shouldn't be like that.
friendlyfriend friendlyfriend 4 years
I've already been in that situation with an ex. Trust me please when I tell you that I made the same mistakes and that he is trying to control. Despite the fact that you keep waiting to tell people things until the last minute, he still functions like a control freak. He assumes that your sister is spying on him because he knows he's up to something bad. This doesn't look too good. You have to make a decision about whether to stay and continue this, or safely get out of there. It's not fair to live in fear and anxiety especially at the hands of the person who's supposed to provide support to you.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
yikes, ok, you guys seriously need some communication work. You sound like you habitually wait til the last second to tell people things. Why do you do this? Is it a matter of forgetfulness? Are you concerned what the response will be and then want to avoid the confrontation? Why do you hide things from your mother and sister? They have every right to be upset that you lied to them. You need to apologize for that and fess up to what you've been hiding/lying about in order to move forward with this. Invite your mother to a neutral location - maybe a tea house or somewhere where you can sit and talk at length - and talk to her about your boyfriend, his mother, your living situation, your job(s), etc. Get her caught up and back in the loop. Later, have his mother and your mother meet, give the moms a chance to talk as moms, which should help if your mom is still concerned after talking to you.
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