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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: Mom Is My Demise

DEARSUGAR and Emancipate Me Mia need your help. She is being a responsible young woman working hard in school and at her job yet her mom just can't seem to let go and give her the independence she craves. Does anyone have any suggestions for her?

Dear Sugar
I am 19 years old, I have a job, and I am in my second year of college. I don't know why, but my mother is making my life impossible. I still have a curfew when I go out, if she even allows me to go out, and now my boyfriend and I are having problems because of her.

She treats me as though I were still a child. All I want is to be able to go about my life and have my freedom. This dream seems to be unattainable with a mom like mine. She constantly complains about me and she doesn't trust me - even though she says she does.

She's even tried to take control of my money and manage it herself. How am I ever going to learn how to live on my own like this? I am so sick and tired of being held back from doing all the things girls my age are doing. She is trying to control my life and I can't take it anymore. How can I talk to her about loosening her reins on me? Emancipate Me Mia

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kittycat kittycat 9 years
ok. and i thought my parents were weird.... am finishing my 4th year graduating in spring. i got similar parents but not that extent. they trust me in everything but they give me issues with my bf, i just give them back "serious pissed off" attitude. i dont need to tolerate that kind of immature behaviour. i plan to move out asap upon grad. they know this and really dont want me to...oh well too bad. LOL.
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
two words: move out. i'm going to assume that you've tried to reason with her, find alternate solutions, perhaps some that people here have suggested. i absolutely believe that everyone, esp. women, NEED to live alone (by self or with roomie). you shouldn't go from being someone's daughter to being someone's wife. you absolutely need to learn to just be an adult woman running all aspects of your life. it may seem to make sense money wise to stay in the nest, but it will probably cost you more down the line if you don't learn the lessons that everyone your age should be getting. really, there's no other time in your life when you're allowed to screw up. it's expected (to some degree) at your age. you need to do this now, not years from now
CRAZYLOVE CRAZYLOVE 9 years
I agree with some of the other comments: Get the heck out of there! Do you know anyone who potentially would need a roommate? Craigslist.com also posts adds for needed roommates in most cities, or try local classifieds, college ads around campus... I think it would be a good start, you can just look into it and not mention that you are looking till you have a place set up. At first it is a bit difficult to start having to pay rent, utilities, etc when before you didn't have to (or did you??), but in the end, this way you will not be under your mom's thumb and you can start taking a hold of YOUR life and how you spend your money. Tell your mom you love, but you need to start living your life the way you want to. Nothing could be worse than holding your mom accountable for ruining a relationship!!
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
move out. i lived with my family when i was 19 and it was AWFUL! haha, i also moved out of the house when i was 19. save up enough money for a security deposit and rent and move out, you'll be happier and so will your mom. you'll fight a lot less and life will be more pleasant overall.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
MOVE OUT! She'll be nicer to you when she misses you. I had a friend whose mom was like this all because she had gotten pregnant with her at an early age and was afraid my friend was gonna make the same mistake and be miserable. Some moms are really out there...
flutterpie flutterpie 9 years
my dad is the same way, he has to control everything. i am going to go with everyone else on this:move out. no amount of talking to your mother will change the fact that she feels entitled to control your life because in her eyes she is doing what is best for you. you need to open up a savings account and have a portion of your check put in that account each month so that you can build a safety net. you need to prove to your mother how much of an adult you truly are. i know he thinks you're fine and stuff but does he know how to wind you up?
shrtstuff76 shrtstuff76 9 years
You need to move out FAST. my friend is going through this right now herself. Her mom made her drop out of college because she was "lonely" now she's stuck at a low paying job and can't do anything. Her mom made her give her her car because she needed a trade in so her mom can get a new car. You need to stand up to her. My friend never does. She lets her do whatever. She's almost 24 and still living at home, asking her mommy if she can go out with her friends. Stand up to her and MOVE OUT!!!
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 9 years
I agree with workin9to5. As long as you're in her house, she gets to call the shots. If you want a life all your own, you need a place all your own. ~* “I think the thing to do is to enjoy the ride while you're on it.” -Johnny Depp *~
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i could have written this way back when. if i had it to do over i would have moved out, taken a year off to become independent in the eyes of the college and then go back on grants and loans based on my (low but self supporting) income. i don't think the cost to your self esteem is worth what she is paying for in the way of tuition. my suggestion is to do your homework on moving out, get a job and find a roommate that is responsible and then just do it. if you tell her she will probably be quick (as mine was) to list a million reasons why that was a stupid idea and just ruin it for you. she sounds like a control freak which means it's her issues not you that cause this behavior. if she is handling your money that will be a problem in saving up for first and last deposit on an apartment. maybe get automatic deposit on your paycheck and/or switch to a waitress job so you get tips and she doesn't know what you are bringing home. if you decide to stick it out focus on graduation, 2 1/2 more years to freedom. best to you in this situation.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I'm sorry but you'll never be treated as independent so long as you're dependent. Move out.
JessNess JessNess 9 years
I agree the only thing you can really do is move out. Because you are paying rent she really does have every right to give you a curfew. ALthough no right to control your money. Do you have your own bank account that she has no access to? IF not then get one. I would save some money and move out :rudolph:
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
Sadly moms like this dont let up till ur gone. :) Either bite ur tongue or move out. GL ----------------------- I found the real nemo!
workin9to5 workin9to5 9 years
I sympathize, but unfortunately, you can never really be free and independent when you are living in your mother's home. You could save up all your money and try to move into an apartment or house with some friends as soon as possible. However, if it is more important to you to save all your money until you graduate, then put yourself on a strict budget and throw all your effort into doing really well in school and working at your job until graduation day. Then, you'll have tons of cash saved and a great GPA to help you get a very good full-time job, and you'll be financial able to move out on your own. In the meantime, try and have a calm discussion with your mother. Tell her all the things you think you are doing well, like getting good grades and working, but also explain that you are trying to maintain a good relationship with your boyfriend and your friends. Tell her that you are trying your best to do well in school and in your job, and your friends and boyfriend are very supportive and are helping you succeed. Make her understand that having a social network can be a positive thing by telling your mom that they support your long-term goals and encourage you. And then ask for her support, too. When she agrees to support your dreams, tell her ways she can help, like letting you experience a little bit of freedom. Discuss a reasonable curfew and a plan to call her if you are going to be out late. Tell her how much it would mean to you to have her respect and trust and that it would really help you reach your goals. I can't imagine she'd turn down an offer to help you succeed.
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