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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: No Thank You!

DEARSUGAR and Maddened Maddy need your help. She is sick and tired of her selfish friend never saying thank you to her. She wants to talk to her about how it's making her feel, but she isn't sure how to approach such a touchy topic.

Maddy, all I can say to you is to stop expecting anything from her or stop giving to her. Do something for her only if it makes you feel good. If you wait around for a thank you that you may never get you are only going to be disappointed and angry. Have any of you ever been in this position?

Dear Sugar
I have a friend that never says thank you and it drives me crazy. I love to do nice things for my friends and all that I really want in return is a "thank you." For instance, I went and helped her at a trade show that was out of town and I was working three twelve hour days for her for free.

The first day she left me to set up and work all by myself, and I didn't even know the product very well. It was very challenging, tiring and I thought that it was something we were going to be doing together. The next two days, she was around, but she barely even spoke to me.

When we got back to my city, she and her young son stayed over night at my house, as she lives in another city. I slept on the couch, and had fresh linens, etc... on my bed for her and her son. She thanked me for letting her stay, but did not thank me for all of my free help at the trade show.

Recently, I made her a customized Christmas CD and sent it by courier. Again, when she received it, she didn't even say thank you. This behavior just seems really weird to me. I want to say something to her because I don't like the way it makes me feel about her.

It's affecting our friendship and is making me not want to do anything nice for her ever again. What can I say to her to make her understand that ignoring my generosity isn't nice and I feel like she is taking advantage of me ?

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crispet1 crispet1 9 years
This annoys me too. I love to do things for my friends, but when it gets to the point that I become a doormat or not properly acknowledged, I get pissed. After a few years of being treated like this, I cut those friends out of my life. It sounds harsh, but it needed to be done. I feel so much better about it now!
BlondeSugar BlondeSugar 9 years
I agree nonny mouse. But it irks me to NO END when people don't say thank you. It really gets under my skin.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
I would comment but "ANM" summed up my opinion perfectly Holla Back!
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 9 years
If you think she is taking advantage of you, then don't allow her to do that -- that is within YOUR power to control. If you like doing nice things and helping out, then do them. If you expect a "thank you" and she is not inclined to give them, then make a choice about what matters most to you: helping or receiving (well-earned) praise. I doubt anyone will argue that you don't deserve to be thanked for your hard work and contributions (of course you do!), but you've come to know the nature of your friend. She simply is not someone to offer much thanks. I think you would be better off accepting her for who she is; you'll suffer less disappointment with fewer hurt feelings (and frustrations) this way. It is better for us to offer help with no hope of reward (even as a little thank you), is it not? Just make a decision that you will help for the *sole* sake of helping, and if she says "thanks". . .well, bonus! I know it's hard to live by that rule in everyday practical life (or, it can be for me, anyway -- it's not like "Thank You" is too much to ask of a person) but you may have to force yourself to live according to that maxim when dealing with this friend. (Poor manners may abound in our society, but charity is its own reward.) I wouldn't confront her. You know who she is and what she is like; choose your behavior accordingly and have no regrets about it. Just for the sake of mentioning, you sound like a great friend.
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