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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: My Double-Crossing Darling

DEARSUGAR and On The Side Sandra need your help. She just found out that her husband had proposed to her and another woman at the same time. She has just learned that the other woman was killed in an accident. Should she confront her husband about his affair?

Dear Sugar
I met my husband in Iraq on deployment. During this time, I was separating from my ex-husband, and our separation was mutual. I almost instantly fell in love with my current husband, however we decided to wait a year to publicly date in the states so that everything would be settled with my ex.

However, before we got home, we changed our minds and decided we should be together right away. I moved in with him, but he refused to call me his girlfriend; he just referred to me as his "friend". He said it was because his divorce had not gone through yet.

Just recently I found out that while he was confessing his undying love for me, and telling me he wanted to be with me, he was also with another girl. He had proposed to her as well and was waiting for her answer before he would call me his girlfriend. As it turns out, she turned him down after six months of waiting.

Just a little while ago, I found out that she died in a car accident six months after she turned down his marriage proposal. He doesn't know that I know about her but this whole saga has really been bothering me. Do you think that I should I confront him about it? It really hurts to know that my husband proposed to me and another woman in the same time frame. On The Side Sandra

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PinkSparkleGrl PinkSparkleGrl 9 years
Wow! Shocked - just jaw dropping - WOW! Do not put up with this? You will always be second best?! That is NOT a way to live. I understand not feeling as cool and sexy as a car or a new gadget the guy has - but he was with someone else and REFUSED to call you his GF and was secretly trying to possibly marry someone else?! Reality - You were his fall back - that safe school you had to apply to when you were trying to get into college. Not cool! What is worse is that he NEVER told you, and never confessed before marriage. Do his or your friends know all about this dirty dirty secret?! That would mean there is a whole circle of betrayal here. My heart goes out to you - but be brave as you once were in Iraq and stand up for yourself, not your county, and say you will not take the humiliation and lies any longer!!!
carbizkate carbizkate 9 years
What a horrible situation to have to deal with! You should not have to be treated this way! Tell him that you are on to him and his deception and then kick his butt to the curb. You deserve to be with someone who truly loves and respects you. Good luck to you.
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 9 years
You HAVE to confront him, no maybe about it. This is obvious bothering you, and for good reason> How did you find out about this anyway? You have to talk it out. **“In my mind, I’ve always been an A-list Hollywood superstar. Y’all just didn’t know yet.” -Will Smith **
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I think you should be honest with this guy and tell him that you know everything. Otherwise you'll have doubt hanging over your head for the rest of the relationship. You don't want to start a marriage that way.
mandiesoh mandiesoh 9 years
firstly, im shocked that you actually tolerated this for so long! secondly, how can this be truly called a marriage when its based on lies (call me cliche but its true). if it were me, i'd talk to him about it, and clear things up once and for all. and if it turns out tt everything is as u mentioned above, i would walk, without a doubt.
Marci Marci 9 years
JessNess took the words right out of my mouth. Second choice is never a position to start a marriage from.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
You posted this before in another section and I answered you then based on the info you provided then, now that you are posting more, this is what I think: Cut out and forget counseling. I doubt you can ever get past the fact that you were second best here (sorry if it sounds unfeeling), and honestly you shouldn't, you should be married to someone that always saw you as numero uno. Then again you can just confront him and he could give you another completely off the wall excuse that you may believe and live your life as his second choice until he meets this first and leaves you. Remmeber he had a wife when he met you and did have you and someone else when he was getting a divorce -- and there could have been more.
JessNess JessNess 9 years
you know when people get their marrige anulled/divorce and site the reason as fraud???? Im thinking this might fall under it (at least in my mind) This is HORRIBLE and completely unforgivable. If he already did this before you got married whats to say he wont cheat on you? Im not going to tell you what to do but if it was me I would confront him and end the realationship. However if you really want to make it work(which there really is no reason to continue the relationship) I would suggest couples counseling
martini-queenie martini-queenie 9 years
Um... yes I can imagine that that would hurt. What I can't imagine is that you're apparently not considering leaving him after finding this out? This is not a white lie that that he told you to protect your feelings, this is indicative of a deep seated dishonesty. It also indicates that you are not "the one" for him, he was holding out for someone else and settled for you. Is that good enough for you? What kind of future do you imagine with your husband? I can only see one of lies and heartbreak. This is so unacceptable, and I imagine its only the tip of the iceberg of his bad behavior. Please stand up for yourself and get out now.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
That is awful. I am so sorry you are going through this. I personally don't know how I could continue in a marriage after that kind of betrayal. I would be devastated and never be able to trust the person again. I think you absolutely need to confront him. I can't imagine what he could say to get himself out of this mess but you can at least give him the option of explaining.
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