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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: My Ex Is Invading My Dreams

DEARSUGAR and Mikaela McDreamy need your help. She's subconsciously still holding onto the idea that her awful and abusive ex boyfriend was this fantastic catch. How can we get her to understand that this guy was never as wonderful as she's romanticized him to be?

Dear Sugar
Seven years ago I ended a four year relationship. The first two years were heavenly. During the third year he became possessive and controlling and the fourth year was total disaster filled with emotional and mental abuse from him. I ended it with a phone call which I felt was the safest way and never spoke a word to him again.

A year after that relationship ended I met a wonderful man I have been happily married to him for three years. Things are really great between us, however, I am
constantly dreaming about my ex. In my dreams he begs me to take him back, tears and all - and I keep telling him that I'm married and that I can't leave my husband. In my dreams he doesn't listen to me, instead he just grabs me and passionately kisses me.

I want to put this behind me and get him completely out of my mind. I'm feeling guilty that I'm dreaming about my ex who was so terrible to me when I have a wonderful husband sleeping right next to me. Do you have any advice? Mikaela McDreamy

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Join The Conversation
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
maybe you're thinking about him because you are upon another 4 year anniversary. i think it will pass. there were good parts about the earlier relationship and i think it's okay to remember that part. dreams aren't a choice so you needn't feel guilty. sometimes dreams are a way for our subconscious to tell us something, and sometimes as freud said "a cigar is just a cigar".
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 9 years
Toxic relationships are the hardest to shake, it seems. The ghosts of the past always linger. Are these REM-type dreams? Or fantasies? If it's the former, you really have no control over it. The memory of that relationship is a source of pain for you and this pain is being expressed through your dreams. -Especially if you are repressing the pain in waking life. Dreaming about an ex-boyfriend usually means that there is something you failed to accept within yourself at the end of the relationship... Perhaps you failed to accept that you could not save him from his destructive self? Perhaps you failed to accept that the break-up wasn't your fault? Whatever it is, if these dreams persist, I think you should try talking to someone about that period of your life. Your husband, a friend, a therapist. Let it all out. And your dreams may change.
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