Laugh away the pain of the workweek with the funniest tweets on love, sex, dating, and penises from the last seven days. First dates, cooking class crushes, and grandpa fetishes — get ready for the most outrageous and relateable tweets from our favorite women on the social networking site. And for even more funny, follow us on Twitter [1]!

On Being Single

"How are you single?!" is the new "You don't have a date for prom? Ask your cousin Joey if he can take you."

— jacqueline carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) January 17, 2014 [2]

On Sex

People who say they have no regrets probably haven't had sex with the guys I've had sex with

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) January 14, 2014 [3]

netflix is like a boyfriend except it doesn't eat me out. oh wait my last boyfriend didn't either

— Sputnik Sweetheart (@Verlieren) January 14, 2014 [4]

"I want to be inside you." -exercise pants.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 16, 2014 [5]

so horny I might just go for a walk

— priscilla (@BBW_BFF) January 13, 2014 [6]

On Dating

went on a first date tonight and the boy literally said "what's your baggage?"

— steph in space (@spacecadetsteph) January 16, 2014 [7]

Overheard my boyfriend giving out his email and specifying that it's "all lowercase" so I guess I'm living out a Grandpa fetish or something

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) January 13, 2014 [8]

how are we a 99% okcupid match I literally hate you

— Stephanie Mickus (@smickable) January 16, 2014 [9]

My friends describe my current love interest as a "dick," but *twirls* *sings operatically* I think I can fix himmmmmmmmmm

— Mandi Harris (@MandiHarris) January 16, 2014 [10]

On Food and Flirting

It's so cold out my nipples could cut pizza, just kidding it's not cold, I just like the feeling of pizza on my nipples.

— Rubsomedirtonit (@Girtrudepops) January 16, 2014 [11]

I'm developing a crush on my cooking instructor, so I better start cooking stuff that doesn't make him throw up.

— sallybrooks (@sbrooks13) January 15, 2014 [12]

On Penises

Don't think that I won't bedazzle your penis while you're sleeping.

— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) January 13, 2014 [13]

On Pop Culture

This is my supermodel's vagina. pic.twitter.com/NPUZZ8PfCI [14]

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) January 13, 2014 [15]

The Bachelor should just have to have coffee with each woman for an hour

— Chelsea Peretti (@ChelseaVPeretti) January 15, 2014 [16]