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Dealing With a Clingy Guy

"He Won't Let Me Break Up With Him"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have couple of issues right now, but I will start with a brief back story of how all this started. Last year around this time me and my boyfriend of 4 years now were going through some tough times in our relationship. We were barely talking and meeting each other. I was in school and he was working at a location where his job was troubling him. We love each other very much, and wanted things to work out. During this time, I felt very depressed and didn't want either of us stressing each other out. So after discussions, I decided we should take a break from each other. However, that didn't last long, as we can't really stay away from each other. During the short "break" we had from each other, I met someone online. We were just friends for a long time. However, after I opened up about my boyfriend and the troubles we were going through, during which time I was very vulnerable, he demanded that I break up with my long-time boyfriend and be happy. Obviously I felt that wasn't right because we still did/do love each other a lot. However, I just said all right to the person I met online, and said I had broken up with my boyfriend. During this time, the guy I met online pleaded and eventually started demanding me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, only because I felt bad about his situation and wanted to help him out (he had explained his own situation to me — he was very depressed and suicidal in life).

Flash forward, I have tried breaking up with the guy I met online multiple times now with no avail. I have explained to him about what is really going on and how I feel and so forth. However, every time I try to tell him the truth he becomes emotionally unstable, depressed, and suicidal. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible about this, but at the same time I don't know how to make things better. He won't give up until I become his girlfriend for sure. I love my long-time boyfriend and want to get married to him eventually, but this guy I met online, although he is nice, he just doesn't want to understand what I feel.

What should I do? I know I have made mistakes and gone the wrong direction in terms of trying to help him, however I can't even shake him off now without him making me feel guilty about it. I really need to fix this. Please help!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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liveonce liveonce 3 years
Thanks everyone for you valuable inputs regarding this matter! I did do some serious thinking about this for a while, and decided to finally break it off. I clearly explained to him my situation and how its pointless for both of us. He did understand what we discussed and behaved normally. Through this, I understood that, like many of you said, I do end up being soft towards the people who don't deserve it, and I am in the process of changing myself not to be anymore. Also, some of you were wondering if I had met him, no I haven't, not face to face. However we have chatted through video conferencing and through phone, but that's about it. Thanks, again for your advice! Really appreciate it. It's glad to know that there are people out there to give decent, yet useful advice for a person in need! :)
Sherrilee Sherrilee 3 years
I agree with all the other comments. The thing is you remind me of myself too soft and take other people's problems on you. This guy is manipulating you into staying with him.  Yes I agree with the others don't have anything else to do with him.  Just ignore his emails and don't give him double messages by answering him or emailing him.
modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie 3 years
This online guy is toxic and you should sever all ties with him.  Whether intentional or not, he is emotionally manipulating you.  You alone cannot make someone happy or prevent suicide, depression, or whatever.  If he's going to do something, he'll do it with or without your involvement.  Tell him that while you are concerned for him, you can't be with someone as emotionally unstable as him.  He needs counseling.  Recommend it, then stop contacting him.  If he calls you, ignore it.  If he emails you, block his emails.     The real question is why did you let yourself get into this situation to begin with?  I'm sure your bf would not be pleased to hear you've had another "bf" on the side, no matter what your intentions were.  You could probably benefit from a little counseling to find out why you let yourself be bullied into being someone's emotional punching bag.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 3 years
You just have to cut it off.  And then you need to get someone else involved.  You keep saying you met him online but it never says whether you've actually seen him in person so I'm guessing this is all through chat and maybe phone?  See if you can get his address, family info, or someone else who would be close to him.  When you break it off if he starts to threaten you with his life don't hesitate to call the police.  Most of the people who do this are just threatening and manipulating but won't actually go through with it.  You should take him seriously, however, and get help for him and you.  You should not be carrying this burden yourself and you need to get away from him; he sounds dangerous.  
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
I know this sounds heartless, but here's the thing. This guy's emotional stability is not your responsibility. I seriously doubt he will go ahead and kill himself if you break it off. He's just manipulating you and controlling you, whether he means to or not. I had a guy do the same thing to me many years ago and not only did he not kill himself, he was married to some other girl within the year. This guy needs to take control of his life, you can't "save" him from himself. I agree that you should break it off with the online guy. He's not doing you any good or making you happy, he's just causing anxiety and sadness. Another thing to keep in mind. I assume you haven't met this online guy? If you have ignore the rest of this. But if you haven't, then you really have no idea if he even is who he says he is. Also, if you haven't met in real life how could either of you consider yourselves to be in any kind of real relationship? I may be old fashioned, but to me there has to be face to face contact for it to be considered a romantic relationship. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 3 years
This is SO EASY. Break it off. Ok..in details: E-mail him to break it off, or tell him to break it off. To make it easier: Block him from ever chatting with you (hey, if you're serious in breaking up with him, you'll have to), change your user's name, delete the e-mail account that has him on it (or which he knows about), change your phone number if he knows your home/cell phone number. All he has on you is emotional hold. You don't really know what's really him in real life. For all you know, you've been talking to an inmate or a supposedly happily-married father of 5 or a super bored teenager. When I was around 18 yrs old and first time of chatting only, I've met a guy like the one you described (he declared undying love, I had to be his gf, or he couldn't live without me, etc type of guy) and I actually believed him because I was very naive. I told about this man to another online friend. Then my other online pal suddenly 'changed' his mind about us and basically started to woo me.. only to drop the issue because he was doing that just to prove his point that ANYONE can say ANYTHING to try to emotionally tangle you. And that I should be more careful online. In conclusion, right now the only thing that's keeping you cheat on your real life bf is YOU. The other 'man'/'boyfriend' can't stop you from 'leaving' him. The other man can't stop you from breaking off whatever 'relationship' you have. Everything's going on (unless he appeared irl and started stalking you) is definitely in your head. Do what's right and break it off, or break up with your real life bf and date this online guy exclusively, or be open and let everyone (both guys) know that you guys are dating both of them. Next time you are in a monogamous relationship, I strongly suggest to not promise exclusivity with another man, it's hard enough to maintain 1 relationship..adding another one, it's not gonna help the one you're trying to maintain in the first place. Good luck.
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