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Dealing With Guy Jealousy With a Friend

"How Can I Keep a Guy From Getting Between Me and My Friend?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

There is this guy back in high school that my best friend and I used to like and he was also her first kiss. My best friend and I had many issues over him and we eventually decided to leave him in the past and stop speaking to him.

Four years later and I hear that he's contacted and they're speaking again on a chat service. She told me this. I don't how to handle it or feel about it because I still do have feelings for him. What also hurts is that he never, in these four years made an effort to contact me, like he has done with her. And now I just don't know how to handle this. She's my best friend and I love her, and yes, their friendship is purely platonic because he already has a girlfriend, but them talking still gets under my skin.

I have to try really hard to be normal with my best friend, and talking about it to her isn't really an option as we already had this discussion and I told her I'll find a way to get over it. But it's not really working. How can I handle this situation? Please help me, it's eating me up inside.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Helen & Sil -- right on! Henna, thanks for the sweet words. Our advice is as good as the price paid for it, and really only as good as the eyes reading it. Your caring shown on this board in each and every response is probably more than many of the LWs get in a lifetime, judging by the questions. You're a full on gift. Thanks for being here sistah.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
Eject the guy from your life. He's a drama mama. If your friend wants to get involved, that's her problem. Tell her you don't want to hear about it. Your friend can make pals with Charles Manson if she wants with no apologies owed to you. In fact, she doesn't owe you any particular behavior, nor does drama guy. Letting go is the way to deal with all of it. You can't affect what people do anyway no matter how upset you might get or how valid and convincing your arguments might be. No one really listens to advice they don't agree with, even if they pretend to. And they just do what they already wanted to do.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
silje, you're right about the tough love, and I apologize, babydoodle for being on the wrong side of advice....time for me to retreat a bit...gather my compassion and my attention....and try to do better in future. Please forgive me if I've made things worse for you, I was wrong. blessed be
Silje Silje 4 years
Oh come on! Four years?? Either you contact him if you are jealous that your best friend is the only one chatting with him, or you get yourself and your dignity together and forget about this guy that has been absent from your life the last four years and wasn't really in it in the first place. Also, his girlfriend wants you to please leave him alone.    Just a little bit sorry about the tough love coming from here, but seriously, you need to meet someone new. Sign up for a new class of something that might also attract some guys, get chatting with them instead. And don't blame your friend for being contacted by this dude, she can't help that. As little as she can help that you haven't been contacted yet.    Best of luck, I'm sure there are more decent guys around you than just that one. 
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Bubbles, I always learn from you, and thank the gods your experience here is very different from mine and you share it with me and with the querents here. Thanks. I expect my experienc of jealousy and my response to it is colored by my history of abuse, and also, here, I have neglected to pay enough attention to the details. When that happens, it means I'm over extended and not giving the best of myself, and can harm someone, rather than help, so I'm very glad you're here to disagree and to patiently explain why. babydoodle, I agree with bubbles, and hope you will let her guide you, her voice of experience and clear vision is protecting you here from me and, I hope, from feeling too badly about your friend's choice. Time for me, I think, to examine my own relationship with jealousy in a new light. Thanks for sharing your life, and your issue with us.....therapy for me too! :)
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Hi Henna, Sorry I didn't catch that you saw the bit about the existing girlfriend. I think we agree here -- BD can't control the friend, only herself. The difference maybe is in how to react to jealousy, and if an apology should be expected and deserved. BD deserves an apology. A loyalty has been breached, an agreement broken. Say what you will, she's made a choice about what is more important to her *and that has consequences*, she's destroying her trustworthiness. And she's playing with dangerous fire. Jealousy is definitely an emotion BD's friend is responsible for arousing by her actions. And she could fix it by no longer acting like a truly desperate for attention woman and apologizing. You can't kill jealousy or any emotion. To pretend you can is to drive it underground and make it more powerful and destructive. Jealousy is rich with information about when you're being threatened and it should be paid attention to. Listen, judge the situation, and act. Jealousy is a gift, it does not insist you fight to keep what you value, that's a judgment call. Jealousy lets you know what you value is threatened and that you care deeply. How many posts on GT are from women who have been trained not to feel their feelings and are getting whomped by men or women who tell them they have no right to their jealousy? So they come here and have to ask if it's ok to feel jealous. That's just madness. BD, just be glad she's showing you her real character. What happens when you have a boyfriend she's interested in him? Ick. I'd take this as a warning and keep her at a distance.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I didn't miss it or ignore it Bubbles. I addressed it and said that if he's following some old pattern and looking for satisfaction outside of his relationship, then it's her friend who is going to have to deal with that. And the indications from babydoodles comments are that it's not deterring her friend's interest. I think this issue is something seperate from the issue of jealousy. I agree that her friend is making a poor choice, as many friends do. And I agree about keeping some distance.....and I agree that babydoodle's lucky he hasn't focused on her. However, feelings so often have nothing to do with what's actually happening...and the fact that he sounds unworthy of the attraction she's feeling doesn't lessen her attraction, or her regret and hurt that it's not returned, or the jealousy that she feels because someone else is the recipient of something she wants. I don't think she's looking at whether or not he's worthy of her emotions, she's only feeling hurt by the attentions she's not getting that her friend is. And I'm not saying one is right or one is wrong....I don't think this is about right or wrong....it's about making choices and the consequences of choices and the fact that you can't force someone to make the choice you want them to make. Babydoodle is looking for an apology....she's here looking for someone to tell her that she is right and her friend is wrong and so she is entitled to an apology. I think the situation is beyond who's right or wrong, and right fighting here, as in any situation, keeps people from doing things that actually help them resolve issues. And jealousy is an issue that your friends don't cause, and can't fix by changing their behaviors. It comes from within, from a lack of self confidence and self assurance, and here....it's a falling backwards into an old pattern from high school. You can feed that monster...jealousy, or you can work to kill it. At least in this situation....since her friend isn't apparently willing to step away.....those are the options I see. I can hope her friend will come around and get it......and I can hope her friend will come back and admit she made a poor choice.....but in the meantime, babydoodle has some choices to make around her own actions and feelings and the patterns she sets for own life.....what will she choose if this kind of situation happens again, that she and her friend find themselves attracted to the same guy, and he chooses the friend.....My experience tells me that life offers us the same kinds of experiences over and over until we learn to make choices that allow us to circumvent the issue. We get offered the same life lessons over and over until we learn them. Karma. Life is repetative.... Babydoodle, bubbles is a fantasticaly insightful woman.....I always listen to her.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Babydoodle, that's what I figured. I rarely disagree with her but here's the thing Henna is overlooking right now: he's got a girlfriend already. And your friend has already placed attention from him, a guy who played you both once, over your feelings -- her long time friend. She's hooked. Is your 'drama' alert going? Mine is. Karma is a biatch in cases like this, I'd step back and let the three of them duke it out. It's your call on what her actions mean to you, but honor them. She isn't. She'll be walking the walk of shame back to you at some point after he's played her to his satisfaction, I'd put money on it. I've watched these kinds of triangles over the decades and believe me they can and do go on for a lifetime. Some men and women are just fantastically skilled at being seductive emotionally with just enough "but I'm married" or "I'm not good enough for you" or "the time is just not right" to keep the distance, just frustratingly and achingly so. 'Catch and release' can wreck a lot of havoc. I know it hurts, but you truly are lucky he hasn't focused on you.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Hi babydoodle. I'm not sure what she has to be ashamed about. She's not doing something to injure or attack you. She can't help the fact that you have unrequited feelings for this guy or the fact that he is attracted to her and not to you. If your biggest issue is that you believe she is neglecting your friendship while she persues a romantic interest, then you need to let her know those are your feelings......and see if you both can resolve that. But when people start to become involved with each other, freindships frequently take a back seat for a while..... Just so you know, I have been in your shoes. Back in my 30's, my best friend was a guy, and I started to fall for him....but we had talked, and I knew that it was a one way street romantically. Then another friend of mine, a newer friend, came over to join us for dinner, one night and the two of them hit it off....sparks, and they persued that relationship.....and I definately felt left out, left behind, and jealous! This was a very difficult time for me....but I didn't want to lose either of these two people who were so dear to me....and they weren't doing anything wrong at all....the problem was all mine....the jealousy all mine....the issue was all mine. Your story reminds me of mine....and so unless you want an apology for her lack of attention, unless she's blowing you off pretty consistently and with a real lack of sensitivity, then I just don't see what she needs to apologize for. Again, I will say that your attention needs to be redirected, refocused and not lasered into a situation that you wish were different. If you expect her, or ask her to choose between you and this guy, you're going to lose something, and possible gain some resentment. If this guy is not on the up and up, is, indeed, following an old pattern and looking outside of his relationship for some satisfaction, then it's going to be up to her to decide what to do with that. I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that your jealousy is your friends responsibility....your feelings are always your own responsibility.... and when those feelings are immature, then the work to grow is your work....and that's not easy, and it may require some distance on your part, from this situation. When this happens within some friendships, the friends decide that their friendship is more important than any possibility of romance and they come together and leave the third behind. And some don't. If yours isn't in that place, then talk about what place your friendship is in, talk about all of your feelings, without judgement (because feelings are not about reasonable thinking) and see where you need to go from there. If she isn't going to discontinue any relationship with this guy, and you want to keep her in your life, then you are going to have to do the work neccessary to just get over your jealousy, or to stay away from a situation that takes you into an emotionaly vulnerable or ugly place. Friends give each other the time and space they need to persue the things they want and need to persue. You seem to be blaming her for doing that, and for expecting you do what you said you'd do before....to just get over it. That was what YOU told HER you would do, and now that she's holding you to your word, you're pissed off. It's often easier to say we'll do something than to actually do that thing. Welcome to the world of reality. Again, you're not hurting because anyone has attacked, or intended you harm.....you're hurting because you can't have something you want, and she has it instead. Jealousy. And, again, she's not responsible for the way you feel, and if, within your friendship she is not interested in sacrificing this interest, then you have a choice to make about what you will do if your jealousy is more important to you than this friendship. Difficult advice. Good friends are hard to come by, and more valuable than just about any other thing in the world. Will you lose it because of an old, high school jealousy? good luck
t39babydoddle t39babydoddle 4 years
Thank you all for great the feedback :) Yes, I have spoken to her about why she's started speaking to him again. She says it's because he made an effort with her and he remembered the type of friendship they shared. Prior to this, she thought he played the both of us back in the day, but now that he's reached out to her and never forgot about their friendship, her perception has changed regarding him. She said she couldn't just turn him down. And I understand where she comes from. Regarding whether she has feelings for him - she felt for him once - he was her first kiss afterall. Why wouldn't she feel for him again? I believe she does feel something. It is indeed difficult to get past this, and it's worse when you're the 'underdog' in this story. But I'll have to try... Because the friendshp I share with her means a lot to me. However, what appalls me is the fact that she doesn't seem to have any shame or guilt regarding this - not even an apology... Do you believe an apology would be appropriate? Because I am hurting at the end of the day. She simply expects me to get over it. That's exactly what her attitude towards it conveyed. That coupled with the fact that after she told me about them speaking - she has not been the way she usually is with me. She ignores me at times, while seldom, on chat, etc. I don't know whether it's related to this situation, and if so, why. Any theories?
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
"My best friend and I had many issues over him and we eventually decided to leave him in the past and stop speaking to him." What happened to the agreement? You two need to talk about this. Even if he has a girlfriend I think it's interesting he's reaching out to her now and not you if you were all friends. She had feelings for him at one time. I'd talk with her about why you originally agreed not to talk with him and what's different now that makes it ok? A lot of time has gone by, but those reasons may still be valid. How does she feel about him? And tell her it hurts your feeling even today -- what if the tables were turned and he reached out to you alone? She may not know it still matters to you. Give her the chance to be your friend and stop contact. It can't be that important if there isn't any feelings there now. If your instinct says she's into him though, pay attention and create distance between the two of you while this plays out so you don't get more hurt and betrayed. Hopefully even if 'the worst' happens, you might actually find yourself not caring so much after all. Anything could happen. All the talk of 'rise above it' is pretty useless as jealousy is a powerful thing, so take care of yourself.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I think it's time for you to refocus your attention.....away from this guy and this situation. These are unresolved feelings from high school, and we all have some of those. But if you keep giving these feelings room to grow, keep giving them your focus, keep feeding them....they are going to grow into something ugly and hurtful. Pull them up by the roots, put them into the garbage where they belong, and move forward, not backward in finding a new focus for your attention. Find something more positive to grow in your garden.....Understand that this is something that happens in life....two friends liking the same person can destroy the friendship if you allow that green eyed monster to work his damaging majic. Don't allow it. Learning to be happy for a friend who has made a new conquest, even of someone whose attention we wished were directed towards us, is also a part of life, of growing up, and of maintaining a happy, healthy, secure friendship. Deal with the cause of your "bugged"....someone has chosen your friend over you, which makes you feel rejected. onlysourcherry is right, there are guys out there who will choose you over your friend, and it's time for you to be focused on dating to find those guys and not focusing on this one, this 4 year old crush, who does not. This isn't a competition unless you make it one....and if you do, then no one wins, you both lose. So don't make it a competition, grow past the need for that and be happy if your friend has a new friend....or whatever.....and look for your own happiness.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
Oh man. you need to get some friends who have different "types" of guys than you do. It makes life like a million times easier. But seriously, what you really need to do is accept the fact that this guy likes your friend and he doesn't have a crush on you. It hurts, I know. But it doesn't mean you are worse than your friend, it just means that you are two individuals who bring different things to the table. Which is awesome because I'm 100% sure that there are guys out there that find what you bring to the table more attractive than what your friend does. That's just the way dating works. How are you finding out about their friendship? does she tell you? You can just ask her to stop. Politely, and express how it's bumming you out. But just ask. If it's via facebook, either block him from your newsfeed, or if you aren't friends block him entirely. In order to get it out of your head you need to get it out of your face first.
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