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Dealing With a Miscarriage

"I'm Dealing With a Miscarriage"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm only 18. My ex broke up with me in March. Shortly after I had a miscarriage without even knowing I was pregnant. I was on birth control too, so don't judge. I didn't tell my ex when it happened, but I did try to talk to him. I was in a very vulnerable state but he pushed me away and ignored me. Said hurtful things, etc. So I kept it from him.

A couple weeks later, he found out somehow (I only told very few people). He texted me angrily that I never told him and said it was "his child too." I understand why he was mad, too. That was the only sympathy I got out of the him. The conversation ended shortly. We talked a few times after that, but he never showed any compassion for what happened. I suppose since it isn't his body he doesn't really understand the severity. It really hit home for me. I'm not really sure what I expect out of this either. I'm just upset that he treated me the way he did and still continues to ignore the fact that it actually did happen — boyfriend or ex, he should still give a sh*t.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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steph1234 steph1234 4 years
I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are extremely common, but so upsetting (i've had one as well) and even though it is such a sad thing...most guys don't really connect with their child until it's been born....so it is not surprising that he acted this way...especially since you 2 are not together and didn't know you were pregnant to begin with. Be glad you are not with this guy and grieve as you need to and live your life....Best of luck to you....
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
I am the last person who could throw a rock at you. I went through something similar at the same age and it still hurts thinking about it, so I'm sorry for your losses. You lost a child, a dream and a boyfriend. Please take this from your experience, *you* need to do a much better job of protecting yourself from situations like this and men like this in the future. This was a wake-up call. You have been blessed with a chance to get this right for you. 1) Pregnancy does not change the character of the man you're with as Ducky pointed out, it will only challenge it tremendously. Don't expect more of anyone because you become pregnant -- unless they have already made a life-time commitment to you. Getting pregnant can set up a lifetime tug-of-war, or ache if the child doesn't ever get to have the other parent in their life, you don't want that. 2) You didn't say what kind of birth control you're on but you need something better suited to you. You need to be really honest with yourself (it doesn't matter what you say to us) about why it failed. Did you use it the way the directions said to use it? You may not even understand why it failed. Many women for instance think 'withdrawal' is a form of birth control not realizing there is plenty of sperm on his penis to make you pregnant before he comes. Go talk to a doctor, not a friend about what happened and what you want to do moving forward. Get informed and then get the best type of bc for you. Maybe an implant like an IUD or Norplant until you're married and ready. 3) What are you doing to become a family provider? Have you calculated how much it would take to support yourself and a kid, and how much would your career probably pay you when you graduate to know if you're on a good path? What career are you pursuing, what kind of education? Even if there is a father involved, men leave, get sick, die, lose their jobs. You need to look at yourself as potentially the only provider to be fully prepared to be a partner. And then find a man who has done the same. It's the best gift you two can give each other, being full able partners. 4) This guy was probably a lot of great things, but he was not a committed partner and sex will very possibly create a child. Please choose men that are responsible, able to think of others before themselves. They may not be as cool (or they may be cool too) but they're the ones you'll regret slipping through your fingers when you're older and their wives look content and happy. The guy that this happened to with me, I ran into him 20 years later. He was married and had an eleven year old kid, and he hit on me! He was still very good looking, very successful financially but he said he was miserable in his marriage and looking at his wife later, she looked completely miserable too. He never apologized to me for his behavior, 20 years later I could see he's so selfish he wasn't capable. I was so thankful that I got to see what a real loser he is, he'll always be a player and never be able to be truly committed. Your guy was not a loss, I know you'll see that later.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
No, he should not still give a shit. That would go completely against his character, which he has shown you to be cruel, angry and selfish. You can't expect him to care about this when he hasn't cared about much else so far, none of which are your feelings. Be glad he is out of your life, and let him stay there. Don't accept him back. Don't dwell on the 'should have,' 'could have,' or 'would have.' The reality does not fit into that. Focus on yourself and the people in your life that matter.
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