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Dealing With Parents When Living at Home After College

Group Therapy: Coping With Living at Home in Your 20s

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm 22, and I still live in my parents' house. I would love to move out, but work/school/funds prevent this right now.

This may sound silly, but lately I've been getting really frustrated because my mother asks me where I'm going, who I'm going out with, etc. every time I leave. I know she just cares, but getting 3 missed calls and a text from your mother that says, "where are you?" makes me feel 13.

Also, she will stay up until I get home, just to make sure I made it in. (Uncalled for, just go to bed.) They also complain whenever I don't come home (if I stay at a friend's house or something) I'm 22, and me staying somewhere else for one night does not affect them in any way. Moving out is not an option, and I'd really like to know how to make her stop before I go crazy. Thoughts?

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SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 5 years
I agree with lizlee89...I find the comment about "delayed adolescence" to be a bit unfair. I lived at home until I was 24. Not because I wanted to, but because there were personal problems that required me to continue living at home. Living at home was definitely tough in my situation because my stepfather was abusive. But I had no other option. I moved out when I married my husband. People have different reasons for why they continue to live with their parents. Until you know an individual's personal situation, it isn't right to judge. As to the OP...sorry, but while you live under your mom's roof, you have to respect the fact that she does this because she cares about you. I know it's annoying but she loves you. That's just the way it is. I lived with an abusive stepfather and that is much worse than dealing with an overly protective mother. Your mom treats you like a child, which is annoying, but it isn't the end of the world. I'm nearly 30 and my mom still views me as her little girl. That is what mothers do when they love their children. Be thankful that your mom cares. Reassure her that you're being safe and responsible in your actions. Simply try to show that you're a mature person and that you appreciate her concern. Someday you will see why she does this, if you ever have children.
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 5 years
I agree with lizlee89...I find the comment about "delayed adolescence" to be a bit unfair. I lived at home until I was 24. Not because I wanted to, but because there were personal problems that required me to continue living at home. Living at home was definitely tough in my situation because my stepfather was abusive. But I had no other option. I moved out when I married my husband. People have different reasons for why they continue to live with their parents. Until you know an individual's personal situation, it isn't right to judge.As to the OP...sorry, but while you live under your mom's roof, you have to respect the fact that she does this because she cares about you. I know it's annoying but she loves you. That's just the way it is. I lived with an abusive stepfather and that is much worse than dealing with an overly protective mother. Your mom treats you like a child, which is annoying, but it isn't the end of the world. I'm nearly 30 and my mom still views me as her little girl. That is what mothers do when they love their children. Be thankful that your mom cares. Reassure her that you're being safe and responsible in your actions. Simply try to show that you're a mature person and that you appreciate her concern. Someday you will see why she does this, if you ever have children.
lizlee89 lizlee89 5 years
to all the people who have a problem with a 22-year-old living with their parents, you people who move out are the new wierdos I hate to tell you. it has never been uncommon for people in their 20s to live with their parents; in fact, up until myabe 20 years ago did getting out on your own become the fashion. as it is, people want to live out of their parents' house so they can do what they want, not because they want to be independent. it's a by-product of the selfish 60's who's generation became parents and raised their kids to be ashamed of being close to their families. many people live at home because they do do not have a job that pays well enough to afford their own place and/or because they are in school. it's not "delayed adolescence;" it's being sensible...
hyacinthgirl hyacinthgirl 5 years
I'm 22 and moved out when I was 17 because I couldn't handle my parents' intrusiveness anymore. If you generally like living at home, you need to talk to your parents as the others have said, and calmly explain that you respect their wishes but you would like for some things to change. Be receptive to any changes they would like to see in you too, for example, they may want you to do more around the house. If they won't budge, it's time to move on. On a side note, I can't believe how bitter some of these comments are! Yes, we know, when you were a young adult you were asked to move out and move on with your life, but please take a look at unemployment rates for people in their late teens/early twenties! These are not the same times, so you cannot expect the same outcomes.
hyacinthgirl hyacinthgirl 5 years
I'm 22 and moved out when I was 17 because I couldn't handle my parents' intrusiveness anymore. If you generally like living at home, you need to talk to your parents as the others have said, and calmly explain that you respect their wishes but you would like for some things to change. Be receptive to any changes they would like to see in you too, for example, they may want you to do more around the house. If they won't budge, it's time to move on. On a side note, I can't believe how bitter some of these comments are! Yes, we know, when you were a young adult you were asked to move out and move on with your life, but please take a look at unemployment rates for people in their late teens/early twenties! These are not the same times, so you cannot expect the same outcomes.
stylinfabqueen stylinfabqueen 5 years
I'm going through the same exact thing. So recently, I took charge of my own bills and anything that my mother was paying for. I too can't move out but show that I can hold my own with while living here. I have also created a space for myself i.e. an office and acted like I was paying "rent" to live there. It really ease the struggle between my mom and I. My mom doesn't call or text me as often when I leave plus I can also come and go as I please. In addition, it has encouraged me to set ground rules for my guests that come to "our" home as long as I let my mom know who and how many, surprisingly she respects that. So just take charge, girl!
sourcherry sourcherry 5 years
Your mom doesn't sound that bad. I don't think it's unreasonable to say where you're going when you leave the house, at least when you live with family. Also, my mom stays up until I get home too, and I know it can be annoying, but I understand that she's just worried something might happen and she doesn't hear the phone... A lot of parents have the opposite attitude, like they don't care what their children do unless it interferes with their lives, and believe me, that's much worse. Just try to make a few compromises about how much she calls, and consider yourself lucky :p it's temporary anyway!
darc5204 darc5204 5 years
You're an adult being provided with a home (and likely other benefits) for free. You should be more than willing to tolerate the habits and rules of whoever is giving you such a huge break! Seriously, it doesn't sound like your parents are that bad; they aren't even stopping you from doing what you want to do. Be grateful that you are loved.
Tabloid Tabloid 5 years
You should feel lucky, I'm telling you. And let me remind you that it is temporarily... At least you know you have a place to go when you need help and someone to rely on. Living on your own with financial problem at a young age is a big issue and stressful that you can't even imagine it. The stuff that she does is what every mother does. It's what we call "care & worry".
Tabloid Tabloid 5 years
You should feel lucky, I'm telling you. And let me remind you that it is temporarily... At least you know you have a place to go when you need help and someone to rely on. Living on your own with financial problem at a young age is a big issue and stressful that you can't even imagine it.The stuff that she does is what every mother does. It's what we call "care & worry".
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
I can kind of relate. I am 22 and still living with my mom because I can't afford to live on my own right now, and my boyfriend doesn't want to live together until marriage. I pay my mom $325 a month for rent (which is $80 more than half the rent), yet she still tries to boss me around. She will also come in my room sometimes and "organize", which drives me absolutely crazy. If I pay her rent, she shouldn't be coming in my room, touching my stuff. If you're living with your parents for free, I think it's acceptable that you follow their rules while living there. (My bf lives with his parents rent free, so they have a curfew for him, even though he's 22).
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
I can kind of relate. I am 22 and still living with my mom because I can't afford to live on my own right now, and my boyfriend doesn't want to live together until marriage. I pay my mom $325 a month for rent (which is $80 more than half the rent), yet she still tries to boss me around. She will also come in my room sometimes and "organize", which drives me absolutely crazy. If I pay her rent, she shouldn't be coming in my room, touching my stuff.If you're living with your parents for free, I think it's acceptable that you follow their rules while living there. (My bf lives with his parents rent free, so they have a curfew for him, even though he's 22).
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
A little perspective here. You are an adult and live at home. I know more and more people are doing this nowadays, and that it is "accepted" but the bottom line is that it is her house...you can try to talk to her about boundaries if you want, but your life will not change much until you move out. There is a phenomenon now of this delayed adolescence, and I see lots of entitled 20 somethings living with their parents. They basically want to live in a comfortable home rent free, but still want all of the freedom of being a twenty year old single adult. Good luck with that. Also, about your mom treating you like a child...well, you are living at home dependent on them, what do you expect? I understand about finances, and that temporarily people may need to stay with their folks, but if I was you, all of the money I was spending going out I would try to save for renting an apartment or condo with a couple of friends if possible. A friend of mine is in her sixties, and her 26 year old daughter with a decent job lives with her rent free, yet goes out all of the time with friends, spending 30 bucks a pop at sushi bars at least once a week. Excuse me? LIke I said, I get that finances are an issue for you, but honestly, have you even looked at the option of roommates or do you just expect to go from your folks place to your own nice apartment? There are options out there to look into, if you haven't already. If it can't happen now, fine, but at least start planning now. And by the way, parents never stop worrying, no matter your age, when you visit and go out. When you are a mom, you will get it.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
A little perspective here. You are an adult and live at home. I know more and more people are doing this nowadays, and that it is "accepted" but the bottom line is that it is her house...you can try to talk to her about boundaries if you want, but your life will not change much until you move out.There is a phenomenon now of this delayed adolescence, and I see lots of entitled 20 somethings living with their parents. They basically want to live in a comfortable home rent free, but still want all of the freedom of being a twenty year old single adult. Good luck with that. Also, about your mom treating you like a child...well, you are living at home dependent on them, what do you expect? I understand about finances, and that temporarily people may need to stay with their folks, but if I was you, all of the money I was spending going out I would try to save for renting an apartment or condo with a couple of friends if possible. A friend of mine is in her sixties, and her 26 year old daughter with a decent job lives with her rent free, yet goes out all of the time with friends, spending 30 bucks a pop at sushi bars at least once a week. Excuse me?LIke I said, I get that finances are an issue for you, but honestly, have you even looked at the option of roommates or do you just expect to go from your folks place to your own nice apartment? There are options out there to look into, if you haven't already. If it can't happen now, fine, but at least start planning now. And by the way, parents never stop worrying, no matter your age, when you visit and go out. When you are a mom, you will get it.
Ambiepony Ambiepony 5 years
Sit down with your parents and have a conversation about it. Let them know that while you appreciate their concern, you are an adult and plan to go out and have some fun occasionally. See if you can find a middle ground; totygoliguez had a good idea by saying she lets her mother know when she gets somewhere but that she won't be calling again and that waiting up is unnecessary. Your parents may not realize how overbearing they are being, but if you are able to have an adult conversation where you listen to them, too, you should be able to reach an understanding. @myhousemd, you DEFINITELY need to speak with your parents - that is just unhealthy for them to do. If you are 22 you have every right to be alone with guys, and them driving to check up on you is just insane. You're not eight and they need to back off.
Ambiepony Ambiepony 5 years
Sit down with your parents and have a conversation about it. Let them know that while you appreciate their concern, you are an adult and plan to go out and have some fun occasionally. See if you can find a middle ground; totygoliguez had a good idea by saying she lets her mother know when she gets somewhere but that she won't be calling again and that waiting up is unnecessary. Your parents may not realize how overbearing they are being, but if you are able to have an adult conversation where you listen to them, too, you should be able to reach an understanding.@myhousemd, you DEFINITELY need to speak with your parents - that is just unhealthy for them to do. If you are 22 you have every right to be alone with guys, and them driving to check up on you is just insane. You're not eight and they need to back off.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
While my mom is not as intense as yours, I'm also 21 and live at home. You should talk to your mom and let her know that they are boundaries that she needs to respect, and also learn to that you have to live with some of them. For example, when I go out I tell my mom: "I'm going to call you when I get there and when I leave. Don't call me because I will leave my phone in the car." I don't like it that she waits for me awake,but that is her problem. If she wants to wait, let her. In my experience, I have to learned to compromise with my mom.
gumdrops334 gumdrops334 5 years
Have a firm conversation with your parents explaining that, to their dissappointment, you ARE an adult not a child. Explain that even though you may not have the finances to live alone, you still have the responsibilities and intelligence of an adult and they should respect that. I always deal with this when I go home for holiday breaks. "Where are you going?" "Why do you always stay out so late?" "Come home earlier, I get worried!" I guess we'll understand them one day...
gumdrops334 gumdrops334 5 years
Have a firm conversation with your parents explaining that, to their dissappointment, you ARE an adult not a child. Explain that even though you may not have the finances to live alone, you still have the responsibilities and intelligence of an adult and they should respect that. I always deal with this when I go home for holiday breaks. "Where are you going?" "Why do you always stay out so late?" "Come home earlier, I get worried!" I guess we'll understand them one day...
myhousemd myhousemd 5 years
I am the same age and in the exact same situation! I never had a curfew in my life . . . until I recently started dating. I'm not allowed to go to certain places if certain boys are there, and I'm not allowed to use the car anymore because I went to said place once. (Said place is not some dingy bar, it's a friend's b&b where my ex happens to also live. I'm not allowed to go there b/c my bf and I were in a room alone together for a few minutes. Yeah, my parents drove there just to see if I was there.) I have no idea why parents are like this. I think it's because they have a hard time seeing their children as adults, After all, we spent 18 years under their care and now suddenly we expect them to just let go and let us do what we want. My parents did I good job of raising me, so I don't know why they're so worried.
shreerose shreerose 5 years
Maybe you should talk to her, it might give her a good understanding of where each of you are coming from.
katialoves katialoves 5 years
maybe she watches the news too much and is afraid of something bad happening to you. you might understand the feeling if you ever become a mom
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