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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: Everyone Hates My Boyfriend

Dear Sugar and Still in Love Lucy need your help. Should she get back together with a guy her family and friends don't approve of?

Dear Sugar--

I have been in this relationship on and off for 4 years. When my boyfriend and I met, there was an instant chemistry. We had long conversations and everything seemed to mesh well between us.

After a great first year together, I received a phone call from another female who claimed she was also dating him. At that time, he was living with a couple of buddies, and our relationship was sort of rocky. After that phone call, I broke up with him. He later explained that a lot of his buddies would invite random girls over, and this one girl was obsessed with him and claimed that she only called me to provoke a break up. I later forgave him, and he moved into his own apartment. Our relationship got better and we later decided that we should live together. My parents objected to the idea, they said that we weren't mature enough, and that I should wait. Well, I moved in with him anyway and everything was great our first year.

We were very happy together but, my parents never liked him. They thought he wasn't good enough for me. They said that there was something about him that just didn’t seem right. We battled it out all the time because he never spent time with my family, and he was always with his friends. After two long years, I finally had enough of always being home alone. He would always find an excuse to spend time with his friends over me and I moved back in with my parents.

He and I started talking again and he told me how much he missed and loved me. I never stopped loving him and want to give our relationship another shot but I don't know what to do. I know that my parents will never accept him and my friends DESPISE him for all the pain he put me through. I’m worried that I'll be disowned by my friends and family if I follow my heart and get back together with him. Is this just a lust relationship that I have to get over? What should I do?

Source

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ratna ratna 7 years
It's a very old post that Im commenting on, but I just had a similar situation, and then I googled up for "my family hates my boyfriend" and landed up here! :) but I must say, I have already taken the decision (twice) .. I backslided once since he convinced me with all the sweet talk that he'll take care of everything and make it right this time, and I decided to give him a last chance. But alas, the very next day he and I had an argument and he expressed that he dislikes my family and that I am so like my mum. Well, yeah, I cut the cord! My friends and fam helped me realize that I don't have to be in it just because I told him I'll never leave him, when I know it's not right, I shouldn't go on with it. He ignored my everytime i went shopping with him, he would go on shopping for himself, literally not caring if i didn't get a single thing for me, while he has shit loads of stuff for himself in his hands. He says something and does something entirely different. My first relationship, out of sheer stupidity and may be the fact that my roommate had a boyfriend and was very happy and i didn't have ne. But now my only aim, currently, is to forget all this pain I've just been through, it wasn't for even a year, actually it was a small span of time, but me being me, got emotionally attached. Now that I just, as in yesterday, ended it, I have to have suggestions to leave it behind. My way too frank roomie made me feel guilty of the whole thing, and she said the nice guy i'll end up with would feel bad that i got close to a guy before him :( and how she's better than me for waiting to be with the right guy. that was a little harsh on me and i couldn't sleep all night, shed tons of tears, had terrible headache and in the middle of all that did my assignments. suggestions/comments?
ces016 ces016 8 years
Personally,, maybe it's time to move on..your family and friends love you and they are just trying to protect you. Maybe you can't see those things that they see because you love the guy, but always remember that it is still your life and that no one can dictate to you whatever action you should take. but remember!you can't blame anyone but yourself if you choose the wrong way..Goodluck and I hope you'll get through this soon..
Jeng112 Jeng112 8 years
You family and friends love you and want to see you happy. They have no reason to lie to you. This guy, on the other hand, does. How exactly did this girl get your phone number? Why would she make a false claim that would just piss off the guy she is suposed to be obesessed with?
Jillybeanz238 Jillybeanz238 8 years
you need to remember something very important: the people who really love you (your family and friends) will never disown you no matter what. THEY love you. And, keep in mind, they know you the best because they have probably known you a heck of a lot longer than this guy. They are only looking out for you.It's my own personal experience that when all of your friends and family hate they guy you are with, they are often right (there are exceptions of course, but I am speaking from my own experience). I was in your shoes. He never hung out with my family, he was emotional and mentally abusive, he wrecked my self esteem, he ignored me, and most importanly, he isolated me from my own friends and family (this very slowly progressed over 8 years). By the time I finally looked inside myself and really thought about what mattered most to me and what I wanted (it was NOT him), I realized that my family and friends were right all along (although I loathe to admit it LOL).I wasted 8 years on this guy, you don't need to do the same. At the end of the day, you need to know that you deserve your "perfect guy". The guy who is your best friend, who you can count on no matter what, who goes out of his way for you and your family and friends, and who treats you with respect... and when you find him, you'll want to be the same to him.Good luck and trust your instincts (and loved ones). They will not fail you.
Jillybeanz238 Jillybeanz238 8 years
you need to remember something very important: the people who really love you (your family and friends) will never disown you no matter what. THEY love you. And, keep in mind, they know you the best because they have probably known you a heck of a lot longer than this guy. They are only looking out for you. It's my own personal experience that when all of your friends and family hate they guy you are with, they are often right (there are exceptions of course, but I am speaking from my own experience). I was in your shoes. He never hung out with my family, he was emotional and mentally abusive, he wrecked my self esteem, he ignored me, and most importanly, he isolated me from my own friends and family (this very slowly progressed over 8 years). By the time I finally looked inside myself and really thought about what mattered most to me and what I wanted (it was NOT him), I realized that my family and friends were right all along (although I loathe to admit it LOL). I wasted 8 years on this guy, you don't need to do the same. At the end of the day, you need to know that you deserve your "perfect guy". The guy who is your best friend, who you can count on no matter what, who goes out of his way for you and your family and friends, and who treats you with respect... and when you find him, you'll want to be the same to him. Good luck and trust your instincts (and loved ones). They will not fail you.
Pheefs Pheefs 8 years
Why are the ones that are no good for us always good in bed?But seriously, you should be with someone who cares about YOUR happiness and does some things about it :) If you are really still in love with him and you want to be with him, then please just take it very slowly.Give yourself a chance to determine if he's going to be the same old not-so-great BF you had before, or if he's truly learned to value you.You are already asking yourself if it's just a "lust relationship", a powerful physical connection isn't enough for a successful relationship - however much we wish it was.
Pheefs Pheefs 8 years
Why are the ones that are no good for us always good in bed? But seriously, you should be with someone who cares about YOUR happiness and does some things about it :) If you are really still in love with him and you want to be with him, then please just take it very slowly. Give yourself a chance to determine if he's going to be the same old not-so-great BF you had before, or if he's truly learned to value you. You are already asking yourself if it's just a "lust relationship", a powerful physical connection isn't enough for a successful relationship - however much we wish it was.
Silje Silje 8 years
I've been in a similar situation, my parents and friends HATED my boyfriend for no reason (at least that's what I thought). Even though we were allright, he treated me well and all and I thought I loved him, I couldn't forget what my family thought of him, and decided they had to be right, so I broke up with him. I realised later, when my broken heart started to mend, that he had lent nearly all of my money without even thinking about paying me back, he ruined my self-esteem and generally were really wrong for me, as my parents had said. As annoying as it is, your family and friends know you, they see you more objectively than you see yourself, and they want all the best for you and nothing less than you deserve. Do yourself a favour and dump him, your life will be so much better, and there's always someone else out there who can appreciate you and treat you like you KNOW you deserve!Love, Silje,now fiancée to lovely, clever, caring Man with capital M
Silje Silje 8 years
I've been in a similar situation, my parents and friends HATED my boyfriend for no reason (at least that's what I thought). Even though we were allright, he treated me well and all and I thought I loved him, I couldn't forget what my family thought of him, and decided they had to be right, so I broke up with him. I realised later, when my broken heart started to mend, that he had lent nearly all of my money without even thinking about paying me back, he ruined my self-esteem and generally were really wrong for me, as my parents had said. As annoying as it is, your family and friends know you, they see you more objectively than you see yourself, and they want all the best for you and nothing less than you deserve. Do yourself a favour and dump him, your life will be so much better, and there's always someone else out there who can appreciate you and treat you like you KNOW you deserve! Love, Silje, now fiancée to lovely, clever, caring Man with capital M
getstinko getstinko 8 years
Lot of good feedback above. It always surprises me when people go against feedback they receive from peers and parents - everyone can't be wrong but you. Relationships are about being together, not about waiting to be together - if he really wanted to be with you he would be. You have been given a fresh new opportunity to use this lesson to move forward to date someone who is more mature and loves you.
getstinko getstinko 8 years
Lot of good feedback above. It always surprises me when people go against feedback they receive from peers and parents - everyone can't be wrong but you. Relationships are about being together, not about waiting to be together - if he really wanted to be with you he would be. You have been given a fresh new opportunity to use this lesson to move forward to date someone who is more mature and loves you.
SugarFreak SugarFreak 8 years
This guy sounds like he has two MAJOR flaws and these are the deal-breaker kinda flaws. First he seems like he wants you when he doesn't have you. MAJOR red flags should be going up here. This is a form of control. Remember one thing, you are NOT a toy that he can place on a shelf and then dust off when he's ready to play. Putting your family and friends' opinions aside, YOU already know he's no good or you wouldn't have broken up with him twice! SECOND, he is extremely selfish and wrapped up in himself. If he truly cared about you, then he would not only make time for you, but knowing that your family doesn't care for him, he should be making all of the effort possible to change their minds--NOT PROVING THEM RIGHT!All of this said...I know this because I went through an identical situation. With my ex-, life was all about him and on and off for 7 years. Then one day I was like OH HELL NO I ain't your toy. This sounds cliché, but there are other BETTER fish in the sea. Then there's my husband, my parents and friends, didn't care for him AT ALL. But after three years of making sure they all realized who he is really is, he won them all over. People can misjudge, but a person who truly loves you is willing to fight that battle not sit back and do the easy thing and avoid the situation.
SugarFreak SugarFreak 8 years
This guy sounds like he has two MAJOR flaws and these are the deal-breaker kinda flaws. First he seems like he wants you when he doesn't have you. MAJOR red flags should be going up here. This is a form of control. Remember one thing, you are NOT a toy that he can place on a shelf and then dust off when he's ready to play. Putting your family and friends' opinions aside, YOU already know he's no good or you wouldn't have broken up with him twice! SECOND, he is extremely selfish and wrapped up in himself. If he truly cared about you, then he would not only make time for you, but knowing that your family doesn't care for him, he should be making all of the effort possible to change their minds--NOT PROVING THEM RIGHT! All of this said...I know this because I went through an identical situation. With my ex-, life was all about him and on and off for 7 years. Then one day I was like OH HELL NO I ain't your toy. This sounds cliché, but there are other BETTER fish in the sea. Then there's my husband, my parents and friends, didn't care for him AT ALL. But after three years of making sure they all realized who he is really is, he won them all over. People can misjudge, but a person who truly loves you is willing to fight that battle not sit back and do the easy thing and avoid the situation.
Marci Marci 8 years
I agree with everything popgoestheworld said. Rule of thumb: When *everyone* hates your boyfriend, that's something you should pay attention to.
Pink81406 Pink81406 8 years
Go with your family and friends, no relationship that rocky can be healthy, and it's probably not worth it.
yaliyah yaliyah 8 years
I tend to agree with the majority here. He will behave for a while but he won't change in the long run. He's made it clear that you and your feelings aren't a priority. You deserve someone who respects your feelings. You may need more distance from him to see that more clearly. p.s. your fam and friends are probably right about him.
yaliyah yaliyah 8 years
I tend to agree with the majority here. He will behave for a while but he won't change in the long run. He's made it clear that you and your feelings aren't a priority. You deserve someone who respects your feelings. You may need more distance from him to see that more clearly. p.s. your fam and friends are probably right about him.
ginghamgirl ginghamgirl 8 years
honey, he doesn't sound like a great guy to me. love isn't enough to make a relationship last and actions speak louder than words. clearly, he knows his talk, but he doesn't walk his talk... haha, talk about a million cliches in one sentence...
jnj213 jnj213 8 years
don't waste anymore time on him. parents especially moms tend to be good judges of character. there's someone out there who you wouldn't want to live without once you meet them- don't just settle
yoan190 yoan190 8 years
Seems that your parents and friends are right. There's something not right about him.You also know it and feel it.Even as bf, he spends more time with his friends than with you and people you love (family and friends). What kind of future do you expect to have? If you plan to have a kid, I don't think he would be a supportive father. Seems like he isn't interrested in family at all.
yoan190 yoan190 8 years
Seems that your parents and friends are right. There's something not right about him. You also know it and feel it. Even as bf, he spends more time with his friends than with you and people you love (family and friends). What kind of future do you expect to have? If you plan to have a kid, I don't think he would be a supportive father. Seems like he isn't interrested in family at all.
sosweetnsingle sosweetnsingle 8 years
i've gone through the same thing before. they may not like him, but in the end only you can decide what is best for you. sometimes we just need to learn from our mistakes.
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