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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Am I Even in Love With Him?

DearSugar and Conflicted Constance need your help. She feels like she moved too fast in her relationship and now she's unsure if she even loves her live-in boyfriend anymore. What advice do you have for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, and I just recently moved in with him. He is 10 years older than me, he has his life together, he's smart, makes me feel safe, is in love with me, and would do anything for me. But recently I have been wondering if we are right for each other. I think I moved in prematurely and now I am unsure if it was the right decision at all. Something has definitely changed between us and I'm left longing for more. He is a great person, but I wonder if I'm only with him because he is stable and trustworthy, more than the fact that I am madly in love. When I think about leaving him, I feel sad that I wouldn't have him in my life anymore, but I am conflicted — I don't want to settle either. How do I know if he's right for me? Do you have any advice for how I can figure this out? — Conflicted Constance

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Janine22 Janine22 7 years
I know that my relationship went through a huge transition when we first moved in together. You see another side of that person, and I think that some of the romance gets lost when you are always together. Are you sure that this is not what you are experiencing?
Lily100 Lily100 7 years
i speak from experience when i say that an age gap does matter...you can love someone because they are stable and trustworthy and they are likely to be that because they need that at that stage of their life. However, you miss out on a vital stage of your life in order to 'suit' the relationship. This is a hard situation and i would be a hypocrite to say leave him. But you have to ask yourself whether you are truly happy now, and if you're not, have the strength to be unhappy for a little while in exchange for greater happiness in the future.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 7 years
As a correction to the above, I don't plan on living with a guy until married.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 7 years
I've been in a similar situation... moved in with a guy 11 years older than me after three months and stayed for around a year. Moving in with someone makes it SO much harder to break up or slow down if that is what you want. Take it as a lesson learned, I don't plan on ever living with a guy again. I guarantee he is feeling the change too, so I would talk about it with him. Maybe you can move out but still continue the relationship? Dating a guy so much older than you is hard because they seem so great until you realize you like them for all the wrong reasons. They are also more static in their goals and values then us in our 20s (if that is where you are). I'm assuming you also moved into his place. I hated moving into a place that wasn't my own and there was little room for me to change anything since my ex was already completely stable and had everything house-wise that he could want. If you make it through this, next time you move in (when married) maybe move into a place that you decorate and choose together so it balances the obvious unbalanced power that comes with an older/younger relationship.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 7 years
I've been in a similar situation... moved in with a guy 11 years older than me after three months and stayed for around a year. Moving in with someone makes it SO much harder to break up or slow down if that is what you want. Take it as a lesson learned, I don't plan on ever living with a guy again.I guarantee he is feeling the change too, so I would talk about it with him. Maybe you can move out but still continue the relationship?Dating a guy so much older than you is hard because they seem so great until you realize you like them for all the wrong reasons. They are also more static in their goals and values then us in our 20s (if that is where you are). I'm assuming you also moved into his place. I hated moving into a place that wasn't my own and there was little room for me to change anything since my ex was already completely stable and had everything house-wise that he could want. If you make it through this, next time you move in (when married) maybe move into a place that you decorate and choose together so it balances the obvious unbalanced power that comes with an older/younger relationship.
dm8bri dm8bri 7 years
When my boyfriend and I moved in together things changed, but only for a brief period of time. We had to get used to each other's quirks, etc...all of the things you would really only know about someone if you live with them. Anyway, we bickered for the first time ever and even completing the grocery list was a challenge. For a couple of months I felt the way you do - I knew I loved him but I was worried that moving in had snuffed the passion and the potential longevity of the relationship. However, not so long after, things settled and I discovered that I am truly, madly and deeply in love with him and can't imagine (much less want to) being with anyone else. Moral of the story: Give yourself a little bit of time, and determine whether it's the change that is throwing you off (living together IS a BIG change) or if it's truly something missing in the relationship. I think you'll find that you're having cold feet due to circumstance. If not, have an open and honest talk with him about your feelings and fears - he should be aware of what's going on if you truly respect him and want the relationship to have a chance.
dm8bri dm8bri 7 years
When my boyfriend and I moved in together things changed, but only for a brief period of time. We had to get used to each other's quirks, etc...all of the things you would really only know about someone if you live with them. Anyway, we bickered for the first time ever and even completing the grocery list was a challenge. For a couple of months I felt the way you do - I knew I loved him but I was worried that moving in had snuffed the passion and the potential longevity of the relationship. However, not so long after, things settled and I discovered that I am truly, madly and deeply in love with him and can't imagine (much less want to) being with anyone else. Moral of the story: Give yourself a little bit of time, and determine whether it's the change that is throwing you off (living together IS a BIG change) or if it's truly something missing in the relationship. I think you'll find that you're having cold feet due to circumstance. If not, have an open and honest talk with him about your feelings and fears - he should be aware of what's going on if you truly respect him and want the relationship to have a chance.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 7 years
move out for a bit
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 7 years
move out for a bit
likeabee likeabee 7 years
The question is, are you looking for Mr. Right who will be your last, or Mr. Wrong for you to experience new things and learn new lessons? Because from what you described, it sounds like you're not ready for this Mr. Right yet. And I don't think it's fair for him if you stay in the relationship feeling caged and miserable.
beachgrl beachgrl 7 years
if your really conflicted...really try to picture what it would be like breaking up, you said you wud be sad but would you feel like your life was over sad, that no one else what out there for you kind of sad. or wud it be temporary sad but then able to move on and start looking whats out there and dating new guys, if you can truly picture yourself with someone other then him, it might be time to take a step back and slow things down with him...maybe move out but continue to date, or take a break and see how life is without him, its a risk because he might not take you back, but then you'll have your answer on how you really feel
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
^ Well said.
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
^ Well said.
lickety-split lickety-split 7 years
it sounds to me like now that the chase is over, and you're happy, you're uncomfortable. this is different than what you've had before so it's making you feel off balance. committed relationships are for grownups. he's a grownup, are you? every moment is not going to be passion, fireworks, rainbows and love. you live with a person; they will piss you off. someone is always around; they seem less exciting. he sounds great and you sound like you have some growing up to do before you settle down. hope he isn't blindsided.
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
*Bad typo: you should not have to ask*
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
If you love someone, you should have to ask if you do or not.
Spectra Spectra 7 years
It sort of sounds like you're more into him because he's a good caregiver; not because you're passionately in love with him. I had a friend who dated a guy that was several years older than she was and he was very mature and really wanted to settle down, but their relationship was more of a father-daughter type relationship than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
Why did you move in in the first place?
notinthemood notinthemood 7 years
You definitely did move in too soon but don't feel like you're trapped. Move out, then see how things go from there. It sounds like you were more happy with the attention than the relationship, so if that's the case you'll want to cut him loose, asap.
lcterp lcterp 7 years
The test for me was when I looked at my boyfriend (now-ex) is that I didn't look at him anymore and think to myself "this is it, this is all I want, I'm happy"; I started looking at him and wondering what else was out there and what was I missing, when I started thinking that way I knew I had to leave . It was hard (2.5 yrs) but six months later I'm very happy with my decision and haven't looked back. I would definitely give it a good look and really analyze if you're doing it because it's comfortable and solid but nothing else. good luck!
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
If it's only been a year and you're feeling this way, I think that's a bad sign. Moving in and settling in with a boyfriend always involves some degree of compromise, so part of what you're feeling might be that, but it shouldn't be that severe. Yes, every relationship tapers off of the honeymoon phase, but this sounds a bit more than normal. People will tell you that the "crazy in love" feeling doesn't last and that your guy sounds solid (which he does) but honestly, that's not enough. You should feel that he's the only one for you, that you're best friends, and that you're the perfect, ideal match. I think you're probably worried, and rightfully so, that you got too serious too soon with the wrong guy, and I agree. I wouldn't sustain this relationship, if I were you - don't marry the guy and don't string him along, because who knows when the real thing will come along for you? don't settle.
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