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DearSugar Needs Your Help: He's Thinking About Living With Two Women, But He Won't Live With Me!

DearSugar Needs Your Help: He's Thinking About Living With Two Women, But He Won't Live With Me!

My boyfriend of one year currently lives in a three bedroom apartment with two of his guy friends. He's lived there for five years and absolutely loves the place. He's comfortable there, he doesn't have to pay much rent, and it's in an amazing area of the city. Both of his roommates are moving to another state and he has one month to either move out of the apartment, or find two new roommates. I currently live in the same city (about a 15-minute walk from his place) in a beautiful, roomy one-bedroom apartment. He was really stressed when he first found out he was losing his roommates (and possibly his place), so I brought up the idea of him moving in with me. I completely understand that he may not be ready to take this next step, but he said he'd think about it.

In the meantime, he put an ad on Craigslist looking for two new roommates. He's set up a bunch of appointments with different people to come over and see the place and as it turns out, one of these "appointments" is with two college girls, and he's 30! When he first started the roommate search, I asked him about the possibility of living with women and he made it very clear that the only woman he'd live with would be me, yet now he's entertaining the idea of living with not one, but two girls! This is obviously really upsetting to me and I'm completely NOT okay with the thought of him living with two random college girls. Am I being irrational? Why would he want to live with them over me? He's not the type of guy who would do well with an ultimatum or a jealous tantrum, but this is simply something I am not willing to compromise on. I feel like he should have jumped on the opportunity to live with me! Please give me some advice before it's too late!

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Berlin Berlin 8 years
I think you're forgetting one very important issue here too...along with most other posters. College girls are ALL ages! Why are you assuming that they are like in their teens (like one above poster)? Are you forgetting about graduate school? Those are college 'girls' too and can be also in their late 20s, early 30s. Did you meet them? They could be in a very stable relationship of their own, or they could be huge into school, or fugs lol:) Point is that you are freaking out before you have all the facts. I live with my boyfriend who's almost 30, but seriously looks like he's about 25. I'm almost 24 and look about 18. We live in an apartment and have a roommate b/c we don't want to move for one, it's an amazing apartment that he remodeled the inside of it (he's been here about 9 years through his schooling, he's going for his PhD right now) and well, we could just have the room empty or use it as an extra room, but hell we'd rather have help on the rent! People get comfortable where they are and don't necessarily want to move. Also 1 year together isnt' that long, and if you two break up, then he's screwed! Plus things really change when you move in together and he may not be ready for that, and in addition, guys rarely like to pick up and move in with a woman that they are dating b/c it's giving up their sense of establishment and 'power' if you will; it'll be your place and it's hard for him to feel like it's his at all.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
I think you're forgetting one very important issue here too...along with most other posters. College girls are ALL ages! Why are you assuming that they are like in their teens (like one above poster)? Are you forgetting about graduate school? Those are college 'girls' too and can be also in their late 20s, early 30s. Did you meet them? They could be in a very stable relationship of their own, or they could be huge into school, or fugs lol:) Point is that you are freaking out before you have all the facts. I live with my boyfriend who's almost 30, but seriously looks like he's about 25. I'm almost 24 and look about 18. We live in an apartment and have a roommate b/c we don't want to move for one, it's an amazing apartment that he remodeled the inside of it (he's been here about 9 years through his schooling, he's going for his PhD right now) and well, we could just have the room empty or use it as an extra room, but hell we'd rather have help on the rent! People get comfortable where they are and don't necessarily want to move. Also 1 year together isnt' that long, and if you two break up, then he's screwed! Plus things really change when you move in together and he may not be ready for that, and in addition, guys rarely like to pick up and move in with a woman that they are dating b/c it's giving up their sense of establishment and 'power' if you will; it'll be your place and it's hard for him to feel like it's his at all.
Lele777 Lele777 8 years
I think he sounds very immature to even entertain the thought of having to college aged roomates at his age. Maybe someone wants to relive his glory days!!!!
mandy_frost mandy_frost 8 years
2000% agree with forestrygal.I currently live with two guys and another girl. When we first moved in, only one of those guys moved in. At the time, he was dating a girl who lives elsewhere. (The reasons they broke up were COMPLETELY unrelated to who he lived with.) I have no interest in either of my guy roommates. (The second one who moved in was actually dating the other girl prior to moving in, so she does, but that's a different story.)As someone who has lived with many guys, here is what I consider before moving in:1) How much is the rent?2) Is this guy creepy?3) standard roommate questions (I am a messy person and have often found that living with guys is simpler because they have a smaller tendency to care much about cleaning.)I never, ever consider if I'd want to date a guy before moving in, and due to the craziness that could create, that would make me LESS likely to want to move in with him.Finally, I think you are justified to want to live with him. This is a TOTALLY different situation, though. To live with someone with whom you are romantically involved is WAY different than to live with someone with whom you are not. I'd say at the worst, you and he will make friends with these girls.
mandy_frost mandy_frost 8 years
2000% agree with forestrygal. I currently live with two guys and another girl. When we first moved in, only one of those guys moved in. At the time, he was dating a girl who lives elsewhere. (The reasons they broke up were COMPLETELY unrelated to who he lived with.) I have no interest in either of my guy roommates. (The second one who moved in was actually dating the other girl prior to moving in, so she does, but that's a different story.) As someone who has lived with many guys, here is what I consider before moving in: 1) How much is the rent? 2) Is this guy creepy? 3) standard roommate questions (I am a messy person and have often found that living with guys is simpler because they have a smaller tendency to care much about cleaning.) I never, ever consider if I'd want to date a guy before moving in, and due to the craziness that could create, that would make me LESS likely to want to move in with him. Finally, I think you are justified to want to live with him. This is a TOTALLY different situation, though. To live with someone with whom you are romantically involved is WAY different than to live with someone with whom you are not. I'd say at the worst, you and he will make friends with these girls.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
I don't care what anyone says, it's definitely what it seems like. I have a large group of male friends ranging from ages of well over 30 all they way down to college guys. If I asked them what they thought of this they would tell the truth and they would all agree, he is taking the appointment. with them and it's probably more than 90% because they are 2 girls, college age, and wants to see what they look like.......All of the people who are trying to act like they are so confident that something like this wouldn't bother them, I just don't believe you. Yeah you might act all cool about it and go along with it, and most of us would probably eventually get used to the situation if it were us, but seriously it's natural for ANY woman to put her guard up in a situation like this and I can't belive anyone that says they wouldn't. Trusting or not.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
I don't care what anyone says, it's definitely what it seems like. I have a large group of male friends ranging from ages of well over 30 all they way down to college guys. If I asked them what they thought of this they would tell the truth and they would all agree, he is taking the appointment. with them and it's probably more than 90% because they are 2 girls, college age, and wants to see what they look like....... All of the people who are trying to act like they are so confident that something like this wouldn't bother them, I just don't believe you. Yeah you might act all cool about it and go along with it, and most of us would probably eventually get used to the situation if it were us, but seriously it's natural for ANY woman to put her guard up in a situation like this and I can't belive anyone that says they wouldn't. Trusting or not.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
I think this is irrational. Yeah it's kinda weird for a 30 year old guy to be living with teen girls, but I have lived in mixed situations and lived with just two older guys, and it honestly wasn't weird. Okay, I have had 16 roomates in 8 years let me tell you this, you never see your roomates. No one is ever home!! I think it's reasonable for him to not want you two to live together because you've only been together a year! That's nothing and moving in together would probably hurt your relationship. You just have to trust him. Do this, go meeet the girls. I mean this sincerely. My friend was in a similar situation, but after meeting the three girls, she told her bf she was cool with him moving in with them. Besides, you don't know for a fact that he will be living there. This is an instance where I say: Don't worry about it until it happens.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
I think this is irrational. Yeah it's kinda weird for a 30 year old guy to be living with teen girls, but I have lived in mixed situations and lived with just two older guys, and it honestly wasn't weird. Okay, I have had 16 roomates in 8 years let me tell you this, <b>you never see your roomates</b>. No one is ever home!!I think it's reasonable for him to not want you two to live together because you've only been together a year! That's nothing and moving in together would probably hurt your relationship. You just have to trust him. Do this, go meeet the girls. I mean this sincerely. My friend was in a similar situation, but after meeting the three girls, she told her bf she was cool with him moving in with them. Besides, you don't know for a fact that he will be living there. This is an instance where I say: <b>Don't worry about it until it happens.</b>
animatedpunk animatedpunk 8 years
It seems as if you think he's choosing these girls over you.... and you just cannot look at it that way. Moving in with someone after only a year of dating can be very quick for some people... and if he's not ready for it, then he's not ready for it. You need to respect that. He's not choosing them over you. He's just choosing to not move in with his girlfriend yet. Which is understandable. Also, the only description you gave for these new roommates are that they are "college girls".... well what the heck does that even MEAN? There are a HUGE variety of college girls out there.... not to mention that there are MANY college girls in their mid-to-late twenties. And these girls could be respectable and easy to get along with. For all we know, they both have boyfriends also! I live with a guy... and he's the BEST roommate I've ever had... and we are JUST friends/roommates. Nothing awkward, nothing sketchy. Just friends that live together. He's gotten along great with every guy I've dated and it's never been an issue. And..... as of now.... these girls are only ONE of his many appointments, right??? I can't blame him for wanting to explore EVERY possible option.... finding decent roommates is hard! So honestly.... I think you're overreacting. If you don't trust him..... well that's another issue entirely. If you trust him, then there shouldn't be a problem. For all you know, you might meet these girls and enjoy their company.
animatedpunk animatedpunk 8 years
It seems as if you think he's choosing these girls over you.... and you just cannot look at it that way. Moving in with someone after only a year of dating can be very quick for some people... and if he's not ready for it, then he's not ready for it. You need to respect that. He's not choosing them over you. He's just choosing to not move in with his girlfriend yet. Which is understandable.Also, the only description you gave for these new roommates are that they are "college girls".... well what the heck does that even MEAN? There are a HUGE variety of college girls out there.... not to mention that there are MANY college girls in their mid-to-late twenties. And these girls could be respectable and easy to get along with. For all we know, they both have boyfriends also! I live with a guy... and he's the BEST roommate I've ever had... and we are JUST friends/roommates. Nothing awkward, nothing sketchy. Just friends that live together. He's gotten along great with every guy I've dated and it's never been an issue.And..... as of now.... these girls are only ONE of his many appointments, right??? I can't blame him for wanting to explore EVERY possible option.... finding decent roommates is hard!So honestly.... I think you're overreacting. If you don't trust him..... well that's another issue entirely. If you trust him, then there shouldn't be a problem. For all you know, you might meet these girls and enjoy their company.
forestrygal forestrygal 8 years
Honestly though I think you have a right to be disappointed that he isn't ready to move in with you, I really think you are overreacting. I've been dealing with trying to find summer housing on Craiglist and honestly sometimes you don't have a lot of choice in who responds to your ads. It's not like he put out an ad saying "looking for hot college girls." He's just trying to find people to fill the empty rooms. As to the fact that he is 30 and still has roommates, it's all about priorities. Just because someone can afford to live alone doesn't mean they feel like doing it when they can save money by living with people. Some people have college loans, credit card debt, something they want to save for. I don't think he is creepy or a loser simply because he has roommates. We should also remember that many men are resistant to change on principle (at least in my experience). He's been living in his place a long time, he probably doesn't want to pack up his stuff or deal with the hassle of finding a one bedroom someplace. He also isn't ready to move in with his girlfriend and most likely feels that not moving anywhere is the path of least resistance. Except of course anything he does is going to make her feel bad because he's just not ready and she is. I also think the assumption that an attached guy shouldn't have female roommates is very strange. Just because people live under the same roof doesn't mean they are best pals, or even close at all. Many of them just coexist, particularly in cities where rents are expensive (I'm bound for DC for the summer and from what I can tell half the young professionals in the city live in random group houses of 5 or 6 people, usually half male and half female). It's not that weird, and it really doesn't mean anything fishy is going on. It's just means he's looking for two people to pay the rent with him. It doesn't mean they are going to be having sex or seeing each other naked or even coming within close quarters at all. It's just a living situation. I'm guessing the OP feels upset because he won't live with her but is willing to give other girls a shot. This is going to sound like twisted logic but he is ok with living with female strangers because they are just that-women he doesn't know. As his girlfriend you are the one that scares him, the one that there is potential for things to become serious with. He probably doesn't know how to handle it, he wants to be inert for just a while longer which means staying in his comfort zone (the apartment he loves) and finding new roommates. Gently tell him that your feelings are hurt, that you hope one day he'll be ready to live together, and that you would be more comfortable if he chooses to live with other males. Then drop it and see what happens. And if he does end up living with college girls or any other females, just make friends with them and make the best of the situation. Odds are they aren't scamming on your man and hey you could make some new friends. Good luck!
forestrygal forestrygal 8 years
Honestly though I think you have a right to be disappointed that he isn't ready to move in with you, I really think you are overreacting. I've been dealing with trying to find summer housing on Craiglist and honestly sometimes you don't have a lot of choice in who responds to your ads. It's not like he put out an ad saying "looking for hot college girls." He's just trying to find people to fill the empty rooms.As to the fact that he is 30 and still has roommates, it's all about priorities. Just because someone can afford to live alone doesn't mean they feel like doing it when they can save money by living with people. Some people have college loans, credit card debt, something they want to save for. I don't think he is creepy or a loser simply because he has roommates. We should also remember that many men are resistant to change on principle (at least in my experience). He's been living in his place a long time, he probably doesn't want to pack up his stuff or deal with the hassle of finding a one bedroom someplace. He also isn't ready to move in with his girlfriend and most likely feels that not moving anywhere is the path of least resistance. Except of course anything he does is going to make her feel bad because he's just not ready and she is.I also think the assumption that an attached guy shouldn't have female roommates is very strange. Just because people live under the same roof doesn't mean they are best pals, or even close at all. Many of them just coexist, particularly in cities where rents are expensive (I'm bound for DC for the summer and from what I can tell half the young professionals in the city live in random group houses of 5 or 6 people, usually half male and half female). It's not that weird, and it really doesn't mean anything fishy is going on. It's just means he's looking for two people to pay the rent with him. It doesn't mean they are going to be having sex or seeing each other naked or even coming within close quarters at all. It's just a living situation. I'm guessing the OP feels upset because he won't live with her but is willing to give other girls a shot. This is going to sound like twisted logic but he is ok with living with female strangers because they are just that-women he doesn't know. As his girlfriend you are the one that scares him, the one that there is potential for things to become serious with. He probably doesn't know how to handle it, he wants to be inert for just a while longer which means staying in his comfort zone (the apartment he loves) and finding new roommates. Gently tell him that your feelings are hurt, that you hope one day he'll be ready to live together, and that you would be more comfortable if he chooses to live with other males. Then drop it and see what happens. And if he does end up living with college girls or any other females, just make friends with them and make the best of the situation. Odds are they aren't scamming on your man and hey you could make some new friends. Good luck!
irishvixen7879 irishvixen7879 8 years
My husband and I went through a similar situation when we were dating. We had been living together for awhile and he felt he needed a little space, that we had gotten too close too fast. So he got himself an apartment in the same complex. About a week after he moved into the apartment he told me that he was going to have a roommate. The older sister of a friend of his had left her husband and needed a place for her and her daughter to stay. I immediately told him that while I understood that he was my man and he did not want anyone else, the fact that he was going to be living with another woman gave me a feeling of insecurity. Neither him nor her were looking for a new relationship, but something about the whole situation just felt wrong. He laughed off my fears and she ended up moving in anyway. I was constantly going to his apartment with the fear that I was going to catch something going on that shouldn't be. The only thing I ever saw was them watching t.v. or eating dinner together, but I felt like those things should have been mine to share with him. The insecurity that you are feeling is completely rational and you deserve to be able to voice your feelings without fear of him lashing out at you or walking away. If he loves you as much as he says he does, then he will listen and do what it takes to make you feel secure in your relationship. While this may not mean that he will move in with you, he should be willing to at least understand that 2 college girls living with him should not even be an option.
Marci Marci 8 years
I wouldn't like this at all. He obviously isn't ready for the kind of relationship you are or else he wouldn've taken you up on the offer to move in with in. So instead, he goes in the complete opposite direction and is hoping to set up a college dorm scenario. I wouldn't stick with this guy at all just because of how he's handling this whole thing. It's very telling of where he's at.
Marci Marci 8 years
I wouldn't like this at all. He obviously isn't ready for the kind of relationship you are or else he wouldn've taken you up on the offer to move in with in. So instead, he goes in the complete opposite direction and is hoping to set up a college dorm scenario. I wouldn't stick with this guy at all just because of how he's handling this whole thing. It's very telling of where he's at.
yadiet yadiet 8 years
i honestly think that your 30 year old boyfried still thinks he is a 22 yr old college frat boy. I think you should kick his loser but to the side and find yourself a real man that doesn't have to think about moving in with his girlfriend
MisterPinkNoTip MisterPinkNoTip 8 years
I agree with Javsmav. Although I would be upset at first, I think you should discuss this with him. After all, they could be returning students or something. Also, keep in mind that these are two of probably a lot of room mates. If his place is great and affordable, lots of people will be applying. Voice your concerns to your boyfriend, but try not to hold a grudge that he's chosen to stay at his place instead of moving in with you.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
I think the real issue is your hurt that he is not ready to live with you. I have you seen the people you find on Craigslist, I have been through the Craigslist thing and some of them are really sketchy or they just simply do not show up to even look at the place. I can totally see why he changed his mind I have a strong suspicion that they were the best to come along. The age thing is not a big deal at all please that is just an excuse. I lived in a similar situation in college and it was great. Who wouldn't want to live in a great apartment for a great deal. According to your post he hasn't even said yes to them yet it is only an appointment. If you are having these kind of trust issues after a year than you need to look at yourself and your relationship a little more closly.
brittanyk brittanyk 8 years
I'd be really unhappy if I was in your situation too. I don't think you're being irrational. Plus, it's kind of creepy that your boyfriend is considering moving in with two college kids. At 30, you would think he'd be over that kind of life style and a little more together than that.
Amelie074 Amelie074 8 years
I got an idea - why don't you move into his place?
yaliyah yaliyah 8 years
It seems that your BF isn't ready to live with you. The not living with a woman thing is a bit upsetting, but you cannot control who he lives with. I would calmly express your disappointment that he wants to live with other girls, but that is all that you can do. I don't think that his living situation is a deal-breaker. If you don't trust him in that situation then your relationship probably isn't very strong anyway and you aren't ready to live with him either.
yaliyah yaliyah 8 years
It seems that your BF isn't ready to live with you. The not living with a woman thing is a bit upsetting, but you cannot control who he lives with.I would calmly express your disappointment that he wants to live with other girls, but that is all that you can do.I don't think that his living situation is a deal-breaker. If you don't trust him in that situation then your relationship probably isn't very strong anyway and you aren't ready to live with him either.
BeamerCG BeamerCG 8 years
I don't blame you for being concerned. Calmly express your concern with your boyfriend and talk it out. Part of it depends on who the college girls are. They may be perfectly sweet individuals who would never dream of going for a 30 year old who was in a relationship or they could be the village bicycles. Big difference. Just keep an open and honest dialogue with him and do your best to trust him even though it may be tough.
TFS TFS 8 years
sounds like u need to tighten this boys leash darling.:]
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