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DearSugar Needs Your Help: He's Way Too Clingy!

DearSugar Needs Your Help: He's Way Too Clingy!

DearSugar and He's Driving Me Nuts Natasha need your help. She met a guy that she really likes, but he's rushing entirely too fast into their relationship. Despite her subtle hints, he's not backing off. Do you have any tips for her?

Dear Sugar,

I met this guy about three weeks ago while I was out with a friend of mine. He's a really sweet, genuine person, but after our first two dates, he was already saying "I love you." He calls all the time, and he always wants to hang out, but when we're together, he won't leave my side. I really like him, but I can't stand the clinginess. It's not only unattractive to me, but it's irritating beyond belief. I continuously tell him how I'm not ready for a serious relationship, but he still clings like crazy.

Is there a way I can tell him to back off some without hurting his feelings and driving him away? — He's Driving Me Nuts Natasha

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sarah100682 sarah100682 6 years
Oh, and let me guess. This guy has probably told you about how all his previous relationships have ended bad with the girl being horrible to him and mean to him and yelling at him and you initally think "How could anyone be so mean to this sweet man." Ok, thats what I thought too, but if you stay with him, you will soon find out. It's because he is a complete nut and the previous woman had to be mean and evil in order to get him to leave them alone, and he still wouldn't. It took the guy that I dated for 9 months (and he reminded me constantly that it was 9 months) a good year and a half after for him to stop texting me. One text would be "Oh I would love to be your friend". I wouldn't answer and 20 minutes later it was "You are such a fat bitch and a loser and no one would want you". And then 20 minutes later "Why won't you be my friend?" I thank GOD everyday that he knocked up his next girlfriend and felt the need to marry her, although I don't envy her!
sarah100682 sarah100682 6 years
Princess eab is so right! Not only is this guy showing you a clingy quality which I am sure in some ways is flattering, he is also going to show you other qualites...most likely is is going to be very selfish and self centered and manipulative, and potenially a complusive liar (I know that may seem like an unfair assessment, but those qualities often times seem to run together)...anytime you do something that is not with him, he is going to take it as a personal stab...for example, I dated one of those guys, when I wanted to go on vacation with my girlfriends he told me how inconsiderate I was of his feelings and I never once thought about how it would effect him! Um, give me a freakin break! It sounds like this guy is what he is. He is clingy and falls easy and you are going to either have to accept that as him, or move on. And subtle ain't gonna do it!
sarah100682 sarah100682 6 years
Princess eab is so right! Not only is this guy showing you a clingy quality which I am sure in some ways is flattering, he is also going to show you other qualites...most likely is is going to be very selfish and self centered and manipulative, and potenially a complusive liar (I know that may seem like an unfair assessment, but those qualities often times seem to run together)...anytime you do something that is not with him, he is going to take it as a personal stab...for example, I dated one of those guys, when I wanted to go on vacation with my girlfriends he told me how inconsiderate I was of his feelings and I never once thought about how it would effect him! Um, give me a freakin break! It sounds like this guy is what he is. He is clingy and falls easy and you are going to either have to accept that as him, or move on. And subtle ain't gonna do it!
cptnruthless cptnruthless 7 years
Yeah, trust me - it only gets worse. One of my ex's told everyone at work we were moving in together over the summer - problem being, I went to school in a different town (6 hours away) and would only be home for 2 months... and he had never mentioned this to me. And yep, it started with the "I love you" after a month of dating too..... Oh, and after we broke up and I started seeing someone else, I still got love letters on myspace, eventually I had to block him!When you say you're not interested in something serious, MEAN IT. Date other guys, dont answer his calls, be busy with other things... talk the talk, walk the walk. That's the only way he'll get the hint.
cptnruthless cptnruthless 7 years
Yeah, trust me - it only gets worse. One of my ex's told everyone at work we were moving in together over the summer - problem being, I went to school in a different town (6 hours away) and would only be home for 2 months... and he had never mentioned this to me. And yep, it started with the "I love you" after a month of dating too..... Oh, and after we broke up and I started seeing someone else, I still got love letters on myspace, eventually I had to block him! When you say you're not interested in something serious, MEAN IT. Date other guys, dont answer his calls, be busy with other things... talk the talk, walk the walk. That's the only way he'll get the hint.
Miss-Senorita Miss-Senorita 7 years
I'd head for the hills on this one. If he's doing that after a few weeks by a month he'll be ready to propose.
dm8bri dm8bri 7 years
He said the L word after a week? Dude just escaped from a mental hospital! Cut him out and pray that he didn't stalk you when you weren't together.
kristyy kristyy 7 years
Cut him off now before he becomes the psycho stalker ex-boyfriend who won't leave you alone!
melizzle melizzle 7 years
Wow, creep. Change your phone number.
urban-chic-101 urban-chic-101 7 years
The last guy I dated was like this! So freaking annoying! It's like how can I miss you, when you text me 5 times a day asking me how I'm doing?!?! Ugh... and even when I tried to explain it to him, he didn't get it. That's why I had to be a bitch and ignore his calls and text messages. He just didn't get it!
vmruby vmruby 7 years
Nothing about the way he's acting is normal, imo it goes beyond creepy.You are asking for more trouble than you may have bargained for so cut him loose before his stalker like behavior and his insecurities totally ruin your life.
TidalWave TidalWave 7 years
I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. He will probably be hurt by you for about a week, then get over it and fall in love with another girl a week after that.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 7 years
wow. I think saying I love you after such a short time is a definite worry. I think if it was me, and I didn't want to break it off altogether, I would do what one of the previous posters suggested - set boundaries and explain to him that you are not ready for the kind of behaviour he is displaying. If he continues to overstep the boundaries of comfort you have set - say goodbye.I don't believe he is necessarily abusive, although he is acting in a way that would set off alarm bells for many women. It's possible he thinks this is what you want to hear! in any case, I would be as annoyed as you are! I hope everything works out! best of luck
macchiatolove macchiatolove 7 years
wow. I think saying I love you after such a short time is a definite worry. I think if it was me, and I didn't want to break it off altogether, I would do what one of the previous posters suggested - set boundaries and explain to him that you are not ready for the kind of behaviour he is displaying. If he continues to overstep the boundaries of comfort you have set - say goodbye. I don't believe he is necessarily abusive, although he is acting in a way that would set off alarm bells for many women. It's possible he thinks this is what you want to hear! in any case, I would be as annoyed as you are! I hope everything works out! best of luck
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 7 years
I hate it when guys that do this...it's such a huge turn off. I would break it off with him, asap. I wouldn't even say lets be friends. This type of guy usually ends up being a stalker, imo. In my experience, it can even happen when you don't date them. So, I would take the advice of the ladies above who say, run away fast! Good luck. :froggy:
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 7 years
This is the common story of a controlling but loving guy who will begin to abuse you after you have your first baby with him. Maybe not all guys who are like this will eventually abuse, but the guys who abuse were generally like this in the beginning.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 7 years
I agree 100% with Bodhar. I think this dude needs an equally clingy / obsessed girlfriend!
Hiding55 Hiding55 7 years
I agree with everyone else. Run! This is absolutely the type of person that turns out to be controlling. He's needy and probably insecure too. Not the type of guy you want to get involved with. He is throwing out red flags you should react immediatly.
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
Yup, like everyone else has said, this guy is really insecure and a future control freak. Run away. And I agree that if after 3 weeks he's already on your nerves so much that you have to write in, just get rid of him completely instead of just telling him to back off. You have to be very direct and confident/strong with people like this usually. And saying "I love you" that soon is just crazy, he doesn't even know you!
charmed57 charmed57 7 years
I met a man and lived with him five years, then married him for 18 months. In the begining he was very attentive, we shared similiar interests and I was lost in his initial kindness. He began to appear obsessive, calling me every day and 10 times in work and after. Every day off he was there and every weekend. Six months into the relationship he wanted to move in but I backed him off so he took an apartment close by me. When I started to feel very smothered I told him. He said he would kill himself, got drunk and left. An hour later he busted into my locked home and viscously beat me and put me in the hospital. I had a PFA on him for 18 months. He went to counseling and called me to come back to him, saying he couldn't live without me so I foolishly took him back. Now after three PFA's, an assult charge and 7 years of control, hitting and verbal abuse I am divorcing him. I tried to help this man and he destroyed me in the process. Don't loose yourself in someone else's problem . Look at the signs , the first being your recognition there is something wrong. I saw it way upfront but didn't pay attention and I am lucky I'm alive. Don't put yourself in a position you have to protect yourself and be honest with yourself about what you are feeling and seeing and good luck.
charmed57 charmed57 7 years
I met a man and lived with him five years, then married him for 18 months. In the begining he was very attentive, we shared similiar interests and I was lost in his initial kindness. He began to appear obsessive, calling me every day and 10 times in work and after. Every day off he was there and every weekend. Six months into the relationship he wanted to move in but I backed him off so he took an apartment close by me. When I started to feel very smothered I told him. He said he would kill himself, got drunk and left. An hour later he busted into my locked home and viscously beat me and put me in the hospital. I had a PFA on him for 18 months. He went to counseling and called me to come back to him, saying he couldn't live without me so I foolishly took him back. Now after three PFA's, an assult charge and 7 years of control, hitting and verbal abuse I am divorcing him. I tried to help this man and he destroyed me in the process. Don't loose yourself in someone else's problem . Look at the signs , the first being your recognition there is something wrong. I saw it way upfront but didn't pay attention and I am lucky I'm alive. Don't put yourself in a position you have to protect yourself and be honest with yourself about what you are feeling and seeing and good luck.
GScott86 GScott86 7 years
Better hope he doesn't know where you life, or you may wanna consider moving XD.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
No, trust me, he's not in love with you. He may have severe mental problems and is insecure and will use whatever to hurt you. Don't slow down the relationship, breakup with him and don't remain friends. These guys also grow up to be physical abusers. They tell you everything they think you need to hear and then they start breaking you down.
kittykrazies kittykrazies 7 years
Trust me, I went through this before. this is a guy who is not in love with you, he is in love with you. This is a total nightmare waiting to happen! i dated a guy who i couldn't break up with for a year and a half all because i was too afraid to hurt his feelings because of his clingy nature. At first, it all seems very sweet, but soon you'll be wondering how you got stuck with this guy and how to get away. And, unless you want to move to another state and change your identity, i suggest you get out while the gettin' is good.
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 7 years
tell him its a turn off and not nessasary to cling. tell him what your boundaries are first. he may not really know it or hes just nervous trying to impress you. but if he keeps overstepping those bounderies and make you uncomfortable then i would just walk away, he will take the hint that his clingyness is a bad habit.
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