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DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Can I Prevent a Falling Out?

DearSugar and Ready For a Baby Betsy need your help. Her sister is unable to have kids and is now begrudging her because she and her husband have decided to start a family of their own. Though she's trying to be sensitive to her sister's misfortune, she doesn't feel that she should be punished for moving forward in her own life. Do you have any advice on how to prevent a falling out with her only sister?

Dear Sugar,

My sister is 12 years older than me and about a year ago, she found out that she will not be able to conceive. She and her husband have now started the adoption process. A few months ago she asked me whether my husband and I will start a family and I told her that we have decided to start trying within the next six months. She immediately turned nasty on me, told me that she cannot imagine me as a mother, asked me why I wanted children now since I had never wanted them before, and generally disrespected my lifestyle even though I don't drink, smoke and am very physically active. Since then she has become a nightmare to be around. She constantly makes references to ex boyfriends of mine in front of my husband, which thankfully doesn't really bother him, but I resent her doing it — she even whipped out photos of an ex of mine at dinner last week!

I know she is devastated about her situation but she has made it clear that I shouldn't even mention children to her. I would love her to have some part in this huge aspect of my life, but she's put up a wall that I can't seem to break down. I've tried talking to her nicely but she gets patronizing and nasty. I feel a real fall-out coming on so what can I do to prevent it? Will she ever be happy for me? I want my children to have a relationship with their aunt but I feel like she's going to always resent me for having my own kids. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?

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drhotie92 drhotie92 8 years
I agree with everone else i definetely have seen this already.
mtothawhat mtothawhat 8 years
I thought this was already asked?
Melo-D Melo-D 8 years
Well, I don't really look at the these types of posts but every so often. So, this is the first I've seen of this situation. Sweatheart, if you have done your due diligence to calmly get to the bottom of these feelings with your sister, it's time to firmly put her in her place. You have every right to move on with your life. I think if she doesn't settle these feelings, it could be detrimental not only to you and your family (husband and future child(ren)) but to her future adopted child unless all that miraculously melts away. Touchy but if you end up falling out, so be it.
meumitsuki meumitsuki 8 years
This is the same exact story. Just look that one up for lots of great advice.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
We had this one last week. We need new info.
AmyLyn AmyLyn 8 years
Dear-We saw this a week or two ago! I've got lots of issues (don't we all? haha!) to post if you want! ; )
AmyLyn AmyLyn 8 years
Dear-We saw this a week or two ago! I've got lots of issues (don't we all? haha!) to post if you want!; )
myladybloom myladybloom 8 years
Wow, sounds a lot like a case of sour grapes to me. I guess you could try to keep being understanding and supportive of her, even though she doesn't appreciate it. After all -- one, she IS family and two, she's in pain: she doesn't really know what she's saying, how she's acting, or how it affects you. Hopefully, this will go away with time. In the meantime, try the "Father-forgive-them-for-they -know-not -what-they-do" approach.
jillerin457 jillerin457 8 years
Yeah, the re-posting of nearly identical stories is getting really old! I'd be happy to contribute fresh content if you guys need some!
lilprincess lilprincess 8 years
wasn't this just on here not even a week ago??
Marci Marci 8 years
Wow, what a tough and upsetting situation to be in. I guess the thing to try to keep in the front of your mind is that you sister's behavior is all based on jealousy because she doesn't have the option to decide to have kids. It's pretty harsh the way she's going at you, and you wouldn't be out of line to firmly put her in her place, but her behavior is all coming from her own pain. Don't put your plans on hold because of your sister. Move ahead with your life, because it is *your* life. I guess the only thing you can do is not gush when she's around when you do get pregnant, but I suspect that once she has her own child though adopting, she'll feel less envious.
Marci Marci 8 years
Wow, what a tough and upsetting situation to be in. I guess the thing to try to keep in the front of your mind is that you sister's behavior is all based on jealousy because she doesn't have the option to decide to have kids. It's pretty harsh the way she's going at you, and you wouldn't be out of line to firmly put her in her place, but her behavior is all coming from her own pain. Don't put your plans on hold because of your sister. Move ahead with your life, because it is *your* life. I guess the only thing you can do is not gush when she's around when you do get pregnant, but I suspect that once she has her own child though adopting, she'll feel less envious.
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