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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Tell Him I'm Pregnant?

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Tell Him I'm Pregnant?

Dear Sugar,

I am stuck in a situation that I desperately need help on. I have met a guy recently; we have only seen each other a couple of times because he lives in another state but we keep in touch and he is planning on moving to where I live very soon. I really like him and I think he feels the same, but I'm confused on what he wants out of this possible relationship. To make things even more complicated, I recently found out that I am pregnant with his child but I don't know if I should tell him. I would hate to back him into a corner if he's not even interested in me, let alone having a baby, so should I or shouldn't I? And if it's best to tell him, how and when is the right way?

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Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 8 years
throwin a baby into the mix is not easy, but have to tell him ur pregnant! u can't do it alone
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 8 years
Whether or not you are going to keep the child is completely up to you but I think he deserves a say in it.
shelleybaby32 shelleybaby32 8 years
i think i am going to try to refrain from making any negative comments -i said TRY.You have a responsibility to TELL him- this is his offspring-his DNA. You have no moral right to keep it from him. Unless you are going to tell the child you got the sperm from a bank. ALL children want to know where the came from. Your child will want to know as well and then what will you do? What will you tell him/her. You are only setting yourself and your child up for some severe psychological damage. Espcially if you DO NOT tell him/her and he/she finds out later that you kept it from them. It's wrong- i am sorry but it's wrong. A child should have 2 parents period. This is what's wrong with our society. Single parent families and divorce have become the NORM in our society. It's not normal. Think before you lay down with someone- Think before you marry someone- the impact of those decisions hurts everyone involved. yes i am biased because this same sort of thing happened to my friend (ex-friend) who into her late 30s became panicked about having a family and "decided" to get pregnant. The poor guy never saw it coming. I think that is wrong-tricking some guy. Now he is stuck paying boocoo bucks for this kid. You think having a baby is going to help your relationship? it didn't help her. Good luck raising a baby on your own-that would SUCK
shelleybaby32 shelleybaby32 8 years
i think i am going to try to refrain from making any negative comments -i said TRY. You have a responsibility to TELL him- this is his offspring-his DNA. You have no moral right to keep it from him. Unless you are going to tell the child you got the sperm from a bank. ALL children want to know where the came from. Your child will want to know as well and then what will you do? What will you tell him/her. You are only setting yourself and your child up for some severe psychological damage. Espcially if you DO NOT tell him/her and he/she finds out later that you kept it from them. It's wrong- i am sorry but it's wrong. A child should have 2 parents period. This is what's wrong with our society. Single parent families and divorce have become the NORM in our society. It's not normal. Think before you lay down with someone- Think before you marry someone- the impact of those decisions hurts everyone involved. yes i am biased because this same sort of thing happened to my friend (ex-friend) who into her late 30s became panicked about having a family and "decided" to get pregnant. The poor guy never saw it coming. I think that is wrong-tricking some guy. Now he is stuck paying boocoo bucks for this kid. You think having a baby is going to help your relationship? it didn't help her. Good luck raising a baby on your own-that would SUCK
geebers geebers 8 years
ugh talk about spelling errors. This sentence "If so, tell him because they will be a good indicator on the top of boyfriend he will make. " should be "If so, tell him because THAT will be a good indicator on the TYPE of boyfriend he will make. " sorry!
geebers geebers 8 years
I came on here expecting to read good advice and come across way too many off-topic debates on abortion and adoption!Anyway glad to see the advice here even if many people offer different views. From my perspective, I think you should really decide what you want before you tell him. If you decide to not have this baby, I am not sure what you would get from telling him unless you decide to pursue a serious relationship and want to see how he behaves. If so, tell him because they will be a good indicator on the top of boyfriend he will make. If not, there is really nothing to be gained if you choose to have an abortion and live your life afterwards. If you choose to have the baby, regardless of whether you keep it or put it up for adotption, it is important to let him know. You will be going through a pregnancy and need him to know that he will be named as the father and that he may need to take some responsibility for whatever actions you take. Always remember, yes you are the one dealing with the baby but he chose to have unprotected sex too and must be involved and take some responsibility.
geebers geebers 8 years
I came on here expecting to read good advice and come across way too many off-topic debates on abortion and adoption! Anyway glad to see the advice here even if many people offer different views. From my perspective, I think you should really decide what you want before you tell him. If you decide to not have this baby, I am not sure what you would get from telling him unless you decide to pursue a serious relationship and want to see how he behaves. If so, tell him because they will be a good indicator on the top of boyfriend he will make. If not, there is really nothing to be gained if you choose to have an abortion and live your life afterwards. If you choose to have the baby, regardless of whether you keep it or put it up for adotption, it is important to let him know. You will be going through a pregnancy and need him to know that he will be named as the father and that he may need to take some responsibility for whatever actions you take. Always remember, yes you are the one dealing with the baby but he chose to have unprotected sex too and must be involved and take some responsibility.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
right, i was going to add that too, that the 'ripping your vagina' comment was extremely vulgar, uncalled for and ignorant. maybe thats what happened to whoever said it but not me!o maybe that person has never given birth and is a hater.@people saying OP needs to decide whether she wants to be a mom right now: thats a strange way of looking at it. Many woman feel confused and nervous for a long time (before and after birth), even women who have dreamed of and planned to have a baby/family.(that info is according to the baby/pregnancy books i read) I was not expecting to be a mom and definitely did not feel 'ready,' but if you keep waiting for the perfect time it could take a LONG time. How do you become ready? First you get pregnant. Around 3-5 months you start to show and eventually feel your baby moving, and you know that theres a life inside you. People start giving you (more and more and more)unsolicited advice and you start learning things you'd never heard of. You start to wonder a lot of things. You read books about pregnancy and birth and parenting and start thinking seriously about your ideals, preferences, and values. When you see your baby alive and moving, (born) you start to love and worry about it very much, and you discover the ways to make sure its okay. You want your baby to have everything you can give him/her. I think mothering is an instinctive 'skill' which all females, human or animal, possess. Having had an abortion and being now a mom with a low-medium net family income in a very expensive city, I'm encouraging you to keep the baby, since you are soliciting advice. I know its a personal subject but I wish others would share there experiences and feelings too since its impossible to know what either is like until you cant turn back (abortion/mothering) So like i said in my previous comment, the question is not whether she's ready to be a mother, but if she will be able to live with the choice of having an abortion.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
right, i was going to add that too, that the 'ripping your vagina' comment was extremely vulgar, uncalled for and ignorant. maybe thats what happened to whoever said it but not me!o maybe that person has never given birth and is a hater. @people saying OP needs to decide whether she wants to be a mom right now: thats a strange way of looking at it. Many woman feel confused and nervous for a long time (before and after birth), even women who have dreamed of and planned to have a baby/family.(that info is according to the baby/pregnancy books i read) I was not expecting to be a mom and definitely did not feel 'ready,' but if you keep waiting for the perfect time it could take a LONG time. How do you become ready? First you get pregnant. Around 3-5 months you start to show and eventually feel your baby moving, and you know that theres a life inside you. People start giving you (more and more and more)unsolicited advice and you start learning things you'd never heard of. You start to wonder a lot of things. You read books about pregnancy and birth and parenting and start thinking seriously about your ideals, preferences, and values. When you see your baby alive and moving, (born) you start to love and worry about it very much, and you discover the ways to make sure its okay. You want your baby to have everything you can give him/her. I think mothering is an instinctive 'skill' which all females, human or animal, possess. Having had an abortion and being now a mom with a low-medium net family income in a very expensive city, I'm encouraging you to keep the baby, since you are soliciting advice. I know its a personal subject but I wish others would share there experiences and feelings too since its impossible to know what either is like until you cant turn back (abortion/mothering) So like i said in my previous comment, the question is not whether she's ready to be a mother, but if she will be able to live with the choice of having an abortion.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
YOu have to tell him it is his child too.
LiLRuck44 LiLRuck44 8 years
Great posts, kimoka and ragedyfairy. You, OP, are in quite the predicament. Why would you not tell the father? Not asking to be harsh, just curious as to why. To avoid feeling squirmy? So you can raise the baby for yourself? In my opinion, none of those reasons (or any) is good enough to not tell a man he has created life. So to answer your question, YES, I think you should tell him. How? Honestly, and right away. Tell him you're as shocked as he is, and that you have no real idea what to do. Just tell the truth.PS- who said a pregnancy will rip your vagina to your anus and drain the life out of you? I had to chuckle when I read that, because I felt amazing while pregnant and I'm just dandy in all my regions :) I don't think any mother on the planet would've described pregnancy/birth that way.
LiLRuck44 LiLRuck44 8 years
Great posts, kimoka and ragedyfairy. You, OP, are in quite the predicament. Why would you not tell the father? Not asking to be harsh, just curious as to why. To avoid feeling squirmy? So you can raise the baby for yourself? In my opinion, none of those reasons (or any) is good enough to not tell a man he has created life. So to answer your question, YES, I think you should tell him. How? Honestly, and right away. Tell him you're as shocked as he is, and that you have no real idea what to do. Just tell the truth. PS- who said a pregnancy will rip your vagina to your anus and drain the life out of you? I had to chuckle when I read that, because I felt amazing while pregnant and I'm just dandy in all my regions :) I don't think any mother on the planet would've described pregnancy/birth that way.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Please ignore the debate on pro- and anti- happening here. What I see is something that happens more commonly than the more judgmental posters would like to admit. The very bottom line of this is: are you ready to be a mother, and do you want to have a child, and are you willing to raise her? This is your first meditation/ decision on this situation. Once you have come to terms with this and concluded your feelings about it (ON YOUR OWN), I believe you have a moral imperative to carefully lay the situation in front of him, as-is, while withholding your own feelings about it until he asks you about them. If he is a decent person, and the two of you are compatible, I hope that you can come to some sort of agreement about a) abortion, if neither of your want to have your baby; b) the relationship-- whether you want to give it a try with or without the baby; c) arrangements for the future of your mutual child, should you keep her. This very discussion will, be assured, move your relationship forward lightyears, and will probably lay bare the inner workings of this person's character. He will, obviously, be shocked, and will not have had the time to think it over that you have had, so it may even be desirable that you should initially discuss it, give him a day to come to his own conclusions regarding it, and then have a major discussion together the following day. Good luck to you, my dear-- there is nothing like the juncture you are at right now, and I hope it works out for all three of you.
ragedyfairy ragedyfairy 8 years
My mother got pregnant with me while she was in college. She never told my father that I was his child. I love my mother to death. She and her sisters did an excellent job raising me. But, you better believe I resent my mother for never telling the truth. She was selfish and wanted me all to herself. But that wasn't fair to me. If you decide to have this baby, you have to think about what would be best for the child. Be honest with him. If he doesn't want anything to do with the baby, then he isn't someone you should be dating anyway.
ragedyfairy ragedyfairy 8 years
My mother got pregnant with me while she was in college. She never told my father that I was his child. I love my mother to death. She and her sisters did an excellent job raising me. But, you better believe I resent my mother for never telling the truth. She was selfish and wanted me all to herself. But that wasn't fair to me. If you decide to have this baby, you have to think about what would be best for the child. Be honest with him. If he doesn't want anything to do with the baby, then he isn't someone you should be dating anyway.
chefjo chefjo 8 years
You have to tell him if you plan on attempting to be in a relationship with him. If you want the baby and dont want him then I would break things off and live happily ever after. I have a child with someone I had only known for 4 months we moved out of the country together. He is a great Dad, but if I had to do all over again I wouldn't have told him and just raised the kid on my own. WHen your not together things get complicated and in this day and age life is a lot different. Whatever you deceide do it quick! This is isn't going away soon. The biggest question is do you want to a MOTHER? R u ready?
BeautiJunki BeautiJunki 8 years
OMG...tell him. Then you'll know where you stand!
brittanyk brittanyk 8 years
Well, first off, figure out what you want to do. If you want to have the baby, have an abortion, give it up for adoption, whatever you want. Then I would definitely tell him. I'm assuming that this guy will want to be involved in the baby's life. This isn't the most ideal way to start a relationship, but if you're both mature adults, I'm sure you can work something out. It might not be a romantic relationship, but at the very least a friendship.
blooditsnotfunny blooditsnotfunny 8 years
Is he moving there just to be with you? If so, he probably wants to have a relationship with you. If I were you I'd wait until he moved there (if it was really soon like a week away) and then tell him. Otherwise he might just never call back and completely ditch you. At least if he's already moved there he has another reason for him to stay and try and work it out.
looseseal looseseal 8 years
Ha, might as well throw this in, too, for reference's sake.http://www.imnotsorry.net/Several people already said in several different ways that she should tell him but decide what she's going to do about the pregnancy for herself first. It's not too out of line to offer up some information related to that decision. Even though I may have a bias, I don't expect the OP to "take my side". All that matters is she makes the decision she wants to make with eyes wide open. If any of the information is false, please go ahead and refute it (preferably in a civil way without any name calling). The only thing that would bug me is when people have to make major irreversible life decisions based on false information or assumptions.
looseseal looseseal 8 years
Ha, might as well throw this in, too, for reference's sake. http://www.imnotsorry.net/ Several people already said in several different ways that she should tell him but decide what she's going to do about the pregnancy for herself first. It's not too out of line to offer up some information related to that decision. Even though I may have a bias, I don't expect the OP to "take my side". All that matters is she makes the decision she wants to make with eyes wide open. If any of the information is false, please go ahead and refute it (preferably in a civil way without any name calling). The only thing that would bug me is when people have to make major irreversible life decisions based on false information or assumptions.
Manny654 Manny654 8 years
#28 was a great comment-all about action, and not personal politics. You need to figure out how to handle the situation as if the father wasn't there at all, and then tell him. He needs to know-as my mom always says, "It takes two to do the horizontal tango, so why should only one clean up the mess?"
jillerin457 jillerin457 8 years
I'm pretty sure OP = Original Poster (or something like that). Anyway, it's the person who wrote the question we're responding to.As to the "nature of the relationship"... Two people chose to have sex, and that decision resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. As they were both consensually involved, it is only fair that they both get a say in what happens next. Of course, some people will say that since it's her body, he doesn't need to know if she chooses an abortion, but I don't think that's right. He should at least be informed that he might be a father soon.
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