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DearSugar Needs your Help: Am I Crossing the Line?





DearSugar and The Wife of a Marine Mary need your help. Her husband is off saving lives in the war in Iraq while she waits, hoping her new husband is safe and out of harms way. She wants him to leave the ground forces work in another department but she doesn't want him to resent her for being the reason why he can't fulfill his life long dream.

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Dear Sugar--
I am a newlywed and my husband is a Marine which is incredible stressful on both our lives for obvious reasons. His job is very important and it involves saving people's lives (I don't want to share too much to protect him). I want to ask him to change his MOS (Military Occupation Skill- his job) and train for another, less dangerous position, still in the military, but is that selfish of me?

He's the best at what he does and the other guys wouldn't know what to do without him, but this much stress and all my worrying is not good for me or our relationship. I knew before getting married that he has a dangerous job, but it's come to the point where I want him to choose his job or his wife -- I simply can't handle this intense worry I constantly feel.

I love him and I want him to grow old with me, but at the same time, I'm sure he'd help save many more lives in Iraq if he stayed with this unit. I don't want more marines dying, but I don't want my husband to be killed either. What should I do? I want to support his dream but it is so incredibly hard to do so when I selfishly want him to be safe.

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elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 9 years
tell him you're worried. let him know. but other than that, it's not your place to tell him what job he should do. if he loves it, than that should be good enough for you. If you're going to leave him for not bending to your will, and because you're too scared, then you need to get some counseling or therapy. It's completely selfish, and you knew what you were getting into when you married him.
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
You needed to accept that or address that before you got married. I know I can't deal with that. I also know that I couldn't ask someone to change what they love doing for the sake of my peace of mind which is why I made the decision a looooong time ago not to get involved with anyone with a career I can't deal with. Many young women (soldiers' wives, many very young) are in your position and you should probably ask them because they've been there. I don't think any of us without that experience could advise you well on it. I definitely think it's something that should be totally addressed before you consider having kids. If not, you'll all be miserable.
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
You needed to accept that or address that before you got married. I know I can't deal with that. I also know that I couldn't ask someone to change what they love doing for the sake of my peace of mind which is why I made the decision a looooong time ago not to get involved with anyone with a career I can't deal with. Many young women (soldiers' wives, many very young) are in your position and you should probably ask them because they've been there. I don't think any of us without that experience could advise you well on it. I definitely think it's something that should be totally addressed before you consider having kids. If not, you'll all be miserable.
nessabum nessabum 9 years
i'm kinda split both ways in that i don't think it's entirely selfish to not to want worry and that i think you should let him do what he loves to do because it's not a bad thing--it's not like he's a con or something, he's doing something for the good of others.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Of course asking him to change jobs is selfish. You want him to stop doing what he loves, and to stop doing something that helps him save other people's lives, just for you. That is like the definition of selfish because it's all about you. Believe it or not I don't mean that in a judgmental way. But if the question on the table is are you being selfish, the answer is yes. I don't know what I would do. Sometimes being selfish is necessary for our mental stability. I agree with lots of the other gals advice about getting support from others in your shoes. I'm sorry you are in this position, but, selfishly, I'm also glad we have people as talented as your husband helping to defend our country.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Of course asking him to change jobs is selfish. You want him to stop doing what he loves, and to stop doing something that helps him save other people's lives, just for you. That is like the definition of selfish because it's all about you.Believe it or not I don't mean that in a judgmental way. But if the question on the table is are you being selfish, the answer is yes.I don't know what I would do. Sometimes being selfish is necessary for our mental stability. I agree with lots of the other gals advice about getting support from others in your shoes.I'm sorry you are in this position, but, selfishly, I'm also glad we have people as talented as your husband helping to defend our country.
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree with facin8me, too. That's the guy you met and married. I'm sure it's very tough to live each day with that kind of worry and fear, but you can't force people to change. And when they do change for their wives and family, they often resent it.
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree with facin8me, too. That's the guy you met and married. I'm sure it's very tough to live each day with that kind of worry and fear, but you can't force people to change. And when they do change for their wives and family, they often resent it.
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree with facin8me, too. That's the guy you met and married. I'm sure it's very tough to live each day with that kind of worry and fear, but you can't force people to change. And when they do change for their wives and family, they often resent it.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
Oh, and stop watching the news. If the news reported the number of people who died every day in car accidents with as much detail as they report every single bad thing that happens in Iraq, you'd be intensely worried every time he got in a car, too.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I agree with SweetPeasMom. My husband did the same thing as hers. He went from a relatively safe MOS to one that is not so much. But he loves what he does. And if he has his way, in another year, he'll be doing something even riskier.What I'm not understanding is this - you want him to change his job because you're scared of losing him. And if he won't, you'll leave him. Isn't that losing him, too...?I think you might want to seek some counseling - maybe talk to the chaplain in your husband's unit. Part of being a military spouse is managing stress, worry and loneliness. If you don't find yourself capable of doing that, try to get some help to learn how.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I agree with SweetPeasMom. My husband did the same thing as hers. He went from a relatively safe MOS to one that is not so much. But he loves what he does. And if he has his way, in another year, he'll be doing something even riskier. What I'm not understanding is this - you want him to change his job because you're scared of losing him. And if he won't, you'll leave him. Isn't that losing him, too...? I think you might want to seek some counseling - maybe talk to the chaplain in your husband's unit. Part of being a military spouse is managing stress, worry and loneliness. If you don't find yourself capable of doing that, try to get some help to learn how.
lemuse20 lemuse20 9 years
I agree with facin8me, when you married him you knew what his profession was. I don't think it's selfish to want him to be safe, but to take him from his job that you knew he had is. I understand that though, I would probably want my newlywed husband home safe with me too. You're not alone. There are many group supports you could join, where you can share with other women who have husbands in harms way, just as you do.p.s. kinda reminds me of the Nicholas Sparks book "Dear John"..
lemuse20 lemuse20 9 years
I agree with facin8me, when you married him you knew what his profession was. I don't think it's selfish to want him to be safe, but to take him from his job that you knew he had is. I understand that though, I would probably want my newlywed husband home safe with me too. You're not alone. There are many group supports you could join, where you can share with other women who have husbands in harms way, just as you do. p.s. kinda reminds me of the Nicholas Sparks book "Dear John"..
SweetPeasMom SweetPeasMom 9 years
As a military wife myself, I understand your fears. My husband did the opposite though, he went from a nice, safe job working in a medical hospital to a much more dangerous job. I would never dream of asking him to change his job back to a "safer" one. Yes, he may be taking a risk, but he's doing something he loves. Have you talked to him about it at all? I mean, have you mentioned it and he's told you no?And what did you think was going to happen once you got married? If he had the job, and you knew what you were getting into, did he ever tell you he was going to get out or switch his MOS?I think you're in a tough position, but all military spouses are.
SweetPeasMom SweetPeasMom 9 years
As a military wife myself, I understand your fears. My husband did the opposite though, he went from a nice, safe job working in a medical hospital to a much more dangerous job. I would never dream of asking him to change his job back to a "safer" one. Yes, he may be taking a risk, but he's doing something he loves. Have you talked to him about it at all? I mean, have you mentioned it and he's told you no? And what did you think was going to happen once you got married? If he had the job, and you knew what you were getting into, did he ever tell you he was going to get out or switch his MOS? I think you're in a tough position, but all military spouses are.
facin8me facin8me 9 years
It must be very stressful to be worried about your husband's safety all of the time, but you knew when you married him that this was his job. It's not fair after you're newly married to ask your husband to choose between you and his job. If you could not deal with his job, you should have talked about it before you said your vows and not waited until afterwards to think about giving him an ultimatum. It's not selfish to want to to be safe- we all love our family members and worry about them. But it is selfish to expect people to live in fear and not live out their dreams. I know there are lots of military spouses on this site, and maybe you could contact them for places to go to for support I think they even have a group or two). I know there are lots of resources on bases as well- maybe there are other women around whose husbands are in dangerous situations who you could go to for support and advice.
facin8me facin8me 9 years
It must be very stressful to be worried about your husband's safety all of the time, but you knew when you married him that this was his job. It's not fair after you're newly married to ask your husband to choose between you and his job. If you could not deal with his job, you should have talked about it before you said your vows and not waited until afterwards to think about giving him an ultimatum. It's not selfish to want to to be safe- we all love our family members and worry about them. But it is selfish to expect people to live in fear and not live out their dreams. I know there are lots of military spouses on this site, and maybe you could contact them for places to go to for support I think they even have a group or two). I know there are lots of resources on bases as well- maybe there are other women around whose husbands are in dangerous situations who you could go to for support and advice.
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